wanttobehealthy

what's your story and what are your motives seek? you seem to be pretty defensive of the drunk in this situation....

i definitely mentioned the violent behavior--- read the posts-- and in my non alcoholic mindset world, i don't stand idly by while one parent hides criminal behavior from the other and subjects kids to living with drunken antics and turn a blind eye.

and if child protective services thinks it is totally fine that a parent hides her live in boyfriends DWI from the father of the kids and doesn't give him the chance to have a say as to whether he wants his own kids living with that kind of chaos, then that's fine...

but my moral compass says that turning a blind eye where helpless kids are involved and pretending this is ok when it's not, is NOT ok.

wanttobehealthy

Im so sorry for what you experienced as a kid-- and I am sad for my friend who has been as close to me as a sister... but my concern is for her kids first and foremost and so if I have to choose where my loyalty went today, it was the kids...

She has been endless excuses for the boyfriend for over a year and claims she's SO concerned for her kids... Clearly she is not. Her kids are acting out and upset all the time and she is constantly trying to tell me it's her ex husbands fault and is oblivious to the fact that she is the cause of it bc of the environment she subjects them to.

She's now reached out to my ex husband and is railing about me to him and they're collectively insulting me which is hurtful and awful but I can't do anything about it and am not going to try...

It's very sad for the kids that this is what she's chosen and for all I know her ex husband will turn a blind eye to it too...

Its just sad all around.

redatlanta

WTBH did the father respond well to your call?

I'm sure this woman has been like a sister. However, She is toxic, and the last thing you need. I hope that this ends up being a wake up call, if not I hope their father will remove the kids.

I would call CPS. I'm glad you called.

Liveitwell

WTBH-you did the right thing.

wanttobehealthy

He was SO upset, she had apparently told him some convoluted lie about a car accident and that he had taken pain meds and it gave a false positive for alcohol and it was all a mistake etc....

So he was stunned and shocked and upset and she has, since then gone on a MASSIVE smear campaign so it's all blown up.

But I still did what was right and I will live with the fall out.

I had a visit from the local police last night however-- saying that they had a call (from the "friend") saying that I was harassing her.

I explained to them what was actually happening (and showing them I had not been in touch with her at all all day and that it was the other way around) and they asked me to send them info about the kids well being that I had proof of (texts from her about the anger and drunk driving of the boyfriend) bc they were going to let CPS know themselves.

So her retaliatory efforts actually blew up in her face.

Needless to say, I am totally stunned that she did this but it shows how far someone will go to protect an addict and quite honestly this is showing me how sick the non addicts are too.

And I truly question if this isn't karma bc I am SURE that I behaved as stubbornly and stupidly and maybe this is meant to give me a taste of my own medicine.

I am totally utterly broken down by this...

LexieCat

It's a shame, but she's actually acting toward you the way abusers do toward their victims (accusing the victim of harassing them). As upset as you are with her, do your best to summon up some compassion. Abuse can get someone ALL twisted around--we even do presentations on appropriate handling of criminal cases where the abuser has coerced the victim into committing serious criminal acts. They don't get a "pass," but we do encourage prosecutors to factor that into the appropriate disposition of their cases.

Hugs,

Hawkeye13

Yes, you are missing something.

I also grew up with an angry verbally abusive alcoholic and nobody helped me.

Even if there is just yelling, screaming and anger it is incredibly
destructive to children who just want to have a safe home and stability.
I applaud WTBH for taking action on the children's behalf.

Nobody stepped up for me either, and here I am at 51
still sleeping with a pillow on my head just like I used to
to try and sleep "safely".

I used to do it to try and drown out the screaming.
Guess I still am.

wanttobehealthy

Given my history of my xAH distorting reality and the police not always being kind to me (as you guys may recall a bit from my posts) I am still shaking, 10+ hours later from the police showing up at my home... I am actually PANICKING, wondering what level of crazy she will go to, to protect her boyfriend. Accusing ME of harassing her because I went to bat for her kids is SCARY...

It would not surprise me if she didn't take this further and seek a restraining order -- she did this to her sister years ago but told me it was because her sister was "crazy" and I of course believed her... I now have a new perspective on why her mom and sister have largely removed themselves from her life...

Im legitimately worried for my own well being because of how nuts she's become. And I do have compassion bc I can see what she is going through and why she is acting this way but this is my life too she is messing with and Im seriously freaking out.

Hawkeye13

So get one yourself from her.
The police already know the truth--they saw the textual harassment.
Your ex will be egging her on too.
Be pre-emptive
I'm sorry you are still upset but you did the right thing.

wanttobehealthy

Ive just blocked her number (as of last night) and the exH's too and am going to let it be... Im not afraid of her so I would have to lie to the court to say I was... I just want her to not send the police to my house anymore but am not sure that is a valid reason for a RO... So I think Im going to let it be...

But I maybe should check with my lawyer who helped me with the divorce and see what she thinks...

It's INSANE what one will do to protect an addict. Christ....

LexieCat

The only kind of protective order I think you can get in your state against a non-household/family member is a stalking order, which would require you to reasonably fear for your physical safety. An alternative might be to charge her with harassment, which could result in a bail or probation condition that she not contact you. Whatever you do, do NOT lie to the court.

Your lawyer, or the police, could advise you more specifically.

Don't get carried away, though--right now she's freaking out because this all just happened.

Hawkeye13

"It's INSANE what one will do to protect an addict. Christ.... "


Yes, it is also astonishing to me how many people
will stick up for / about / with the mistreatment from their addict
until the bitter end.

It gets really frustrating for me at times on this list and I have to step back
and shut my mouth.
I don't always do it soon enough, but I recognize the triggers
mean more work I need to do on me these days.
Progress but far from perfection, I fear. . .

wanttobehealthy

Im having a hard time knowing whether I ought to have just stepped back and shut my mouth with regard to her this time or done what I did... If I did not know the ins and outs as much as I do I maybe could have lived with turning a blind eye-- but I think of these kids like they're my own and it has been SO hard to deal with hearing her woes for a year and hearing her excuses for staying with him and then hearing her say that she would never put her kids in harms way....

I feel like I did the right thing but it does not feel right... if that makes any sense...

wanttobehealthy

I spoke to the detective who came here last night... He said that I should NOT contact her (no worries there) and that she could try and pursue whatever she wants but that I would have a chance to rebut it... So a lot of unknown....

She's pretty vindictive when she feels "wronged" and my telling her ex the truth and shedding light on her covering up the boyfriends behavior isn't apt to leave her mind anytime soon-- so Im nervous but I guess Ill just have to wait and see what happens...

dandylion

wanttobe healthy.....I think it is very normal to feel kind of "shaken to the core" whenever there is an disruption or donnybrook that fractures a relationship that had been held closely......
It happened to me a few years ago....with someone that I had considered a "friend".......well, it turned out that I did not know her as well as I thought and she did a very bad thing to me......

I was heartbroken...to say the least.....and it took a while for me to heal (grieve) the whole ordeal.....

I think, in the course of life, this happens to most everyone, at some point.....

It is tough.....shucks, life IS tough, sometimes....

dandylion

FireSprite

I truly believe that you are never wrong when you honesty & truly put the kids first. I absolutely believe that is your intention here wtbh; no matter how or why you're triggering, that part comes through loud & clear.

I think she's not only protecting the addict, but herself. She doesn't see how ANY of this is related to addiction, focusing on how you are attacking her parenting instead. And I agree with you, it's definitely a situation where we can easily see that an extreme codie is as sick as/if not more so than the addict themselves.

All in all, sounds like you're going to lose a friend no matter how it goes from here. Or - maybe not. Don't count out that one day she WILL have her awakening & decide to break out of this dysfunction she's living in. We all have different "bottoms" after all.

For you, examining the unexpected triggers - like dealing with the police - could be GREAT recovery work that you couldn't have gotten to any other way. I'm sure you feel completely off-balance today because you aren't comfortable with this "new normal" yet & you probably have a lot of anxiety & adrenalin left running through your body needing a way to be purged. Try some exercise, deep cleaning, journaling, etc.? (((((HUGS)))))

LifeRecovery

WTBH-

I was thinking similarly to FS. I think you have been hinting in recent months that you have some challenging relationships outside of the ex that were triggering for you. Relationships that you knew were not quite right, but you wanted them to be.

For me some of these painful times have been the shock that channelled the most growth. It took me some time but as I was healing from my relationship with my ex I realized that I had a lot of other relationships that needed tending (or change) to work for me. It has been really painful, but well worth it for me.

wanttobehealthy

I did go for a run today-- that helped some... I am PETRIFIED of having to face the fact she may well go to the court, file the same allegations she made to the police and get a temp RO because that's how they roll and then Ill have to defend myself....

But at the end of the day, someone had to talk about the kids' rights here...

And yes, the friendship is over and that is ok bc this has been dysfunctional for a year and she's been too enmeshed and enabling of his abuse and drinking for me to take any more of anyway... the friendship has been exhausting and not fun so it's sad to have lost it but the loss began more than a year ago so its been a long time coming...

And I so appreciate your take on my working on coping with triggers and the growth I need in this area-- you're SO spot on! Thank you!

FireSprite

I know that I can't spin in circles in my mind, thinking about the other person's anger/problems/POV/whatever. I can't control it & all that, you know the drill.

So I've learned to flip the script like this as a method of self-preservation. If I can't get anywhere focusing on them, where can I find room for growth on my side of this situation? How did I trigger? When did I feel myself getting emotionally carried away? What are my expectations - then & now? I always find something I could've done or said or timed differently, even just slightly. Even just internally.

It's also hard because the healthier I become, the easier it is to see the problems all around me differently.... and I wonder, was it always this easy for others to see? Were people as frustrated & furious at *my* denial of my situation? It's true when they say that "when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change".

I hope you are feeling better today!

Liveitwell

Just sending hugs, friend. It is true that God brings to light things we need to change-including relationships. I've dealt with that a lot, too. You did the right thing....I do pray for her as well as she hopefully will one day wake up.