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Please help talk me off this ledge

Old 03-02-2016, 10:36 AM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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Just in my opinion and in MY experience you did a courageous thing by calling CPS. You started the process. It sounds like it is going to be a long one.
I am wondering if the Ex Husband of your friend will go to a lawyer and file for temporary full custody of the kids while this CPS case is going on. He can even file for this without CPS case.
It sounds like you are a very caring person and did what you thought was best for those kids. Thank you.
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Old 03-02-2016, 10:40 AM
  # 62 (permalink)  
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^ agreed.
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Old 03-02-2016, 11:18 AM
  # 63 (permalink)  
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Absolutely yes, you did an amazing thing for those kids. Thank you!
Pamper yourself, go on a long walk, take a steaming bath or something that feels like an award. You handled a really bad situation with grace and excellence.
I'm stronger for my past and I know you are too otherwise you wouldn't have the courage to leave xAH or get help for yourself. The same will hold true for the new generation.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
Hold strong! Everything works out in the end.
Plus, this is day 2 for me and I walked past the liqour store. In fact, I went inside and left with only a pack of cigarettes. So I'm going to take my own advice and take a bath when i get home.
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Old 03-02-2016, 12:44 PM
  # 64 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
I'm no expert, but I wouldn't call it a PTSD-like reaction, it IS a PTSD reaction. I'll bet you don't even notice minimizing yourself in ways like this? It is incredibly powerful to Own your Story & call it by the right label. Your past with your Ex involves a lot of bad interactions with your local PD. That's real.
You're right-- I need to own and name it for what it is... I also need to contact my doctor and a therapist asap I think bc my panic and physical reactions to this all are unlike anything Ive experienced before and I think that perhaps some medical calming down for me may be in order... It's nuts that I could deal with xAH's craziness FAR better than the unexpected craziness of this one time friend...

You're not irrational, you're in a PTSD-mindset. This incident showed you the exact opposite of your "normal" experience with your local cops, right? But that's just one incident, like a drop of water compared to a river..... it's going to take time to get to a "new normal" with all of this. Think of this like a baby step in that direction.
Here is what I am thinking/feeling/believing right now... I am CONVINCED in my heart that despite the cop telling me I did nothing wrong when he showed up this weekend, that he may have "changed his mind" and so every noise I hear outside my work or my home, I am convinced it is the cops coming back to arrest me and to tell me they decided, despite the facts showing otherwise, that I did do something wrong. I am panicky and convinced that unless the cop calls me to tell me what he has already said to me once before (that being that I did nothing wrong), that there is a chance he will decide I did... I am hoping this is insane for me to think and irrational PTSD thinking-- but it feels real.

Hasn't your Ex also gotten into more issues outside of you since your split? Wasn't it sort of public too? Maybe his alliances at the Dept aren't so loyal any longer, maybe they don't want to get dragged into his spiral. Maybe this new complaint on file (in your favor) shows them that hey, maybe it's been him this whole time after all? Maybe they simply aren't willing to risk their pensions to protect his eroding reputation. Don't hold those assumptions as fact forever, things CAN change.
He's done a lot illegal and been in a lot of trouble yup-- but I continue to be fearful of the crazy level of enmeshment and enabling that the police engaged in with him even when he was publicly in trouble... You are right though that I need to relax on that line of thinking-- just not sure how to do so right now. Thus, back to my thinking that it is time for therapy and / or medication for me...

You've got lots to process on your side though - the ending of this friendship & acceptance that it hasn't been working for some time, the projection of your own situation, the residual emotions & revelations.
Yeah I definitely do need to process and deal with all of that... Absolutely...

So, time for my favorite question: What are you doing FOR YOU during all of this?
Nothing as of right now-- and I need to... In addition to what's happened with the one time friend, my older daughter (late last week) had a tumor discovered during a routine exam.... So we are headed to the Children's Hospital located pretty near me tomorrow for a full day of testing and hopefully some answers...

Certainly THAT piece of this is not helping my mental state amidst all the rest of this chaos...

So, what Im doing right now for me is showing up to work, putting one foot in front of the other as best I can and trying to function. That is about it for now...
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Old 03-02-2016, 07:58 PM
  # 65 (permalink)  
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I don't think your friend is retaliating against you. I think your friend is attempting to dig out of her 100 foot hole with a toothpick. Smoke and Mirrors.......wants to keep the BF. You make "allegations", her Ex is pissed, her bf is pissed, and she has got to cover it ALL up. Calls the cops on you. Clever, yet ineffective. If she wasn't such a mental case she might have given pause to making the call that is sinking the ship.

Anywho.....when we deal with toxic people well (LOL), we collect them. Good time to clean house.
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Old 03-03-2016, 05:50 PM
  # 66 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
I don't think your friend is retaliating against you. I think your friend is attempting to dig out of her 100 foot hole with a toothpick. Smoke and Mirrors.......wants to keep the BF. You make "allegations", her Ex is pissed, her bf is pissed, and she has got to cover it ALL up. Calls the cops on you. Clever, yet ineffective. If she wasn't such a mental case she might have given pause to making the call that is sinking the ship.

Anywho.....when we deal with toxic people well (LOL), we collect them. Good time to clean house.
You're spot on! And yes, good time to clean house indeed...

I am sad, I wish she was able to make choices that match her words about being a mom worried for her kids and not a woman who tolerates bad behavior, but much like an addict, her words and actions do not match.

I've come down off my panic about her attempt to hurt me with the police (however intended or not on her part, the potential for that to have gone badly for me scares me and I can't forgive her for that right now), and feel relieved to not have her nightly drama about the drunk bf to help her with...

Sounds cold and callous maybe... but for months I have dreaded my phone dinging to let me know there was a message from her bc it was just always drama and angst and she's happy to live with it and complain about it without making changes and I was growing so tired of it...

So, it's nice to not have that nightly anymore-- but I am worried and sad for she and particularly her kids... and my hope is that they're ok... Because without a doubt she is hiding and covering all the more now for the bf...
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Old 03-03-2016, 05:54 PM
  # 67 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by SadInTX View Post
Just in my opinion and in MY experience you did a courageous thing by calling CPS. You started the process. It sounds like it is going to be a long one.
I am wondering if the Ex Husband of your friend will go to a lawyer and file for temporary full custody of the kids while this CPS case is going on. He can even file for this without CPS case.
It sounds like you are a very caring person and did what you thought was best for those kids. Thank you.
I hope he does... one of the last things I said to her was that given our families closeness and connections, I was unable to tell her I would not support her ex if he did decide to do that- particularly if she continued to admit to lying to cover up the bf's drinking and unsafe behavior that I KNOW impacts the kids...

I meant it too and I guess I maybe hoped that it would scare her into her senses and get her to act in a way that made her kids be her priority...

In hindsight it was a bad idea to have said that to her-- some things are better left in my mind and heart and if I want to act on them I can -- telling her that outright seems to have sent her off the deep end, scurrying as much as she can to hide the truth and protect the bf and sadly, by her choosing to involve the police she just hurt herself all the more.

But if nothing changes in what she's doing (and I will not know bc I am done being in touch with her) then I DO hope the ex husband seeks temp custody... As it is he has 50/50 custody so it's not a stretch to ask temporarily for the kids more often while the live in bf is facing several counts of aggravated DWI among other things...
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Old 03-04-2016, 09:51 AM
  # 68 (permalink)  
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We live in a world where there is not nearly enough people willing to do these things like you are. There are not nearly enough preventative measures taken, when there's reasonable belief harm can come to a child or already has. What you did was hard, courageous, and as a parent, I thank you for you it.
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