Now he's emailing me denying the Vegas wedding
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Jodie,
I just didn't want you worrying about whether or not you had a sex addiction, whether to him, or just a plain addiction to sex. I think you probably read the intermittent chicken thing. Well at least in my case, I had to give sex for him to be anywhere near caring for a little while.
You are going to be just fine. Stick with us.
amy
I just didn't want you worrying about whether or not you had a sex addiction, whether to him, or just a plain addiction to sex. I think you probably read the intermittent chicken thing. Well at least in my case, I had to give sex for him to be anywhere near caring for a little while.
You are going to be just fine. Stick with us.
amy
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Originally Posted by Jodie77 
He was never physically abusive per se except pushing me and punching walls, etc.
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I would identify what your hooks are BC it has been my experience that they will try to use every last one of them to hook you back into a relationship. I want to warn you that once your initial adrenaline rush wears off its challenging not to get pulled back in. The fact that you seem happy rather than indifferent about recent events says to me that you still care and you are vulnerable. Jodie you are strong and doing so well. Just be really careful not to be pulled in okay.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
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Originally Posted by Jodie77
Dude is married now. And denying it.
she was married to another in two or three weeks
then a couple of weeks after she was married
she called me up and wanted to get (together)
we don't go down that nasty unmoral road
but, we do pray for their happiness
MB
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I would never associate with a married man. I can't believe he's married.
And yes I am still so vulnerable and need to stay strong because in spite of all the insanity I still love him. But I'm making progress and getting my strength back.
And yes I am still so vulnerable and need to stay strong because in spite of all the insanity I still love him. But I'm making progress and getting my strength back.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Jodie,
It's been a really rough couple of months for you. I'm really surprised at how well you are holding up. You have tenacity, and you are a very strong person, just know that is true. You have shown it here over and over again.
I know how much you are hurting, I went thru that hurt also. I am really proud of you with the "no contact". You did really good.
I'm going to go back to the morning post again though. I forget if he emailed you or text you. I know we were speaking of people that may have a personality disorder. Not mentioning anything else.
If it is true, they are also unpredictable. Especially when they are not getting the responses that they are use to getting. There is no way to predict how they may act, when it is a totally different situation.
We have already agreed that he is verbally and emotionally abusive. He rages, he will threaten suicide, he will bang on your windows at night if you ignore him. He is physically abusive, he pushes you, and puts holes in the walls. If I told you how many holes were put in my walls, even with wall paper on them, I became an expert at fixing them.
This is where I was going in the early afternoon. He could turn dangerous. He is not use to getting his way with you, and he won't know how to deal with that. I know that I can say this, and you might remember seeing him sitting on the couch like a little lost boy, and just wanting to mother him. I went back to that place many times. If I was reading this like someone else wrote it to me, I would say that person is crazy, you need to see him when he's so nice............
Why would I talk about this stuff, when I want to tell you just to not answer that phone, forget it, get over it, he's no good for you. It's because it wasn't helpful for me. I need to vomit out the toxic stuff. I needed validation. I thought I was crazy. Everyone else saw him as the best, and I was living with a monster.
I can only tell you to keep those messages, have a friend in charge of them, only alert you if they are or seem to be threatening. Even if you need to get another phone for yourself, emails, don't open them, forward them to someone you trust to read them.
I may sound overly paranoid, but I do have to say one thing, I went thru over 25 years, you are at about 5, and yours sounds worse then mine.
Anytime you want to talk, I'll be around.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
It's been a really rough couple of months for you. I'm really surprised at how well you are holding up. You have tenacity, and you are a very strong person, just know that is true. You have shown it here over and over again.
I know how much you are hurting, I went thru that hurt also. I am really proud of you with the "no contact". You did really good.
I'm going to go back to the morning post again though. I forget if he emailed you or text you. I know we were speaking of people that may have a personality disorder. Not mentioning anything else.
If it is true, they are also unpredictable. Especially when they are not getting the responses that they are use to getting. There is no way to predict how they may act, when it is a totally different situation.
We have already agreed that he is verbally and emotionally abusive. He rages, he will threaten suicide, he will bang on your windows at night if you ignore him. He is physically abusive, he pushes you, and puts holes in the walls. If I told you how many holes were put in my walls, even with wall paper on them, I became an expert at fixing them.
This is where I was going in the early afternoon. He could turn dangerous. He is not use to getting his way with you, and he won't know how to deal with that. I know that I can say this, and you might remember seeing him sitting on the couch like a little lost boy, and just wanting to mother him. I went back to that place many times. If I was reading this like someone else wrote it to me, I would say that person is crazy, you need to see him when he's so nice............
Why would I talk about this stuff, when I want to tell you just to not answer that phone, forget it, get over it, he's no good for you. It's because it wasn't helpful for me. I need to vomit out the toxic stuff. I needed validation. I thought I was crazy. Everyone else saw him as the best, and I was living with a monster.
I can only tell you to keep those messages, have a friend in charge of them, only alert you if they are or seem to be threatening. Even if you need to get another phone for yourself, emails, don't open them, forward them to someone you trust to read them.
I may sound overly paranoid, but I do have to say one thing, I went thru over 25 years, you are at about 5, and yours sounds worse then mine.
Anytime you want to talk, I'll be around.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
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Amy,
I can't thank you enough for sharing your story and all of your support.
It's crazy because he was sooooo put together, insightful, patient, selfless, kind and loving the first year. By year 2 he was a monster. The verbal insults, the mood swings, the emotional abuse started then.
By year 3 he was abandoning me. By year 4-5 he was straight up blackmailing me. But I would get glimpses of the old him and I would feel hopeful. He swore on his children's lives he would never leave me, and I foolishly believed him.
We had a very sexually charged relationship and I think that is the only thing he liked about me toward the end. His behavior was so confusing though because he would really praise me at times and at other times tear me down so low. And yes when I would try to leave he would threaten suicide or have his mom call me. He always always always came back. Always. And there seemed to be moments of clarity, sincerity, and insight on his part. Then he would vanish again. He was soooooo good about pointing out the flaws and inconsistencies in other people but would blatantly ignore his own. He was very entitled but timid at times.
His whole personality was a contradiction. But he has these 3 amazing children who are so well behaved and groomed and mannerly. His ex wife a masters in psychology and his sister a PhD....it's like didn't any of them see the reality of the situation? His family confused me.
I don't know I'm digressing. Just trying to sort things out here emotionally, and it's helping.
I can't thank you enough for sharing your story and all of your support.
It's crazy because he was sooooo put together, insightful, patient, selfless, kind and loving the first year. By year 2 he was a monster. The verbal insults, the mood swings, the emotional abuse started then.
By year 3 he was abandoning me. By year 4-5 he was straight up blackmailing me. But I would get glimpses of the old him and I would feel hopeful. He swore on his children's lives he would never leave me, and I foolishly believed him.
We had a very sexually charged relationship and I think that is the only thing he liked about me toward the end. His behavior was so confusing though because he would really praise me at times and at other times tear me down so low. And yes when I would try to leave he would threaten suicide or have his mom call me. He always always always came back. Always. And there seemed to be moments of clarity, sincerity, and insight on his part. Then he would vanish again. He was soooooo good about pointing out the flaws and inconsistencies in other people but would blatantly ignore his own. He was very entitled but timid at times.
His whole personality was a contradiction. But he has these 3 amazing children who are so well behaved and groomed and mannerly. His ex wife a masters in psychology and his sister a PhD....it's like didn't any of them see the reality of the situation? His family confused me.
I don't know I'm digressing. Just trying to sort things out here emotionally, and it's helping.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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He had his mommy call you. Wow! Is he like 12
Also I often struggle with he was so sweet at the beginning. I guess with progression of the disease they lose that part of them or they act like that till they know they have you? Either way you deserve someone who is consistently sweet and well stable.
Also I often struggle with he was so sweet at the beginning. I guess with progression of the disease they lose that part of them or they act like that till they know they have you? Either way you deserve someone who is consistently sweet and well stable.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by Jodie77
Amy,
I can't thank you enough for sharing your story and all of your support.
It's crazy because he was sooooo put together, insightful, patient, selfless, kind and loving the first year. By year 2 he was a monster. The verbal insults, the mood swings, the emotional abuse started then.
By year 3 he was abandoning me. By year 4-5 he was straight up blackmailing me. But I would get glimpses of the old him and I would feel hopeful. He swore on his children's lives he would never leave me, and I foolishly believed him.
We had a very sexually charged relationship and I think that is the only thing he liked about me toward the end. His behavior was so confusing though because he would really praise me at times and at other times tear me down so low. And yes when I would try to leave he would threaten suicide or have his mom call me. He always always always came back. Always. And there seemed to be moments of clarity, sincerity, and insight on his part. Then he would vanish again. He was soooooo good about pointing out the flaws and inconsistencies in other people but would blatantly ignore his own. He was very entitled but timid at times.
His whole personality was a contradiction. But he has these 3 amazing children who are so well behaved and groomed and mannerly. His ex wife a masters in psychology and his sister a PhD....it's like didn't any of them see the reality of the situation? His family confused me.
I don't know I'm digressing. Just trying to sort things out here emotionally, and it's helping.
I can't thank you enough for sharing your story and all of your support.
It's crazy because he was sooooo put together, insightful, patient, selfless, kind and loving the first year. By year 2 he was a monster. The verbal insults, the mood swings, the emotional abuse started then.
By year 3 he was abandoning me. By year 4-5 he was straight up blackmailing me. But I would get glimpses of the old him and I would feel hopeful. He swore on his children's lives he would never leave me, and I foolishly believed him.
We had a very sexually charged relationship and I think that is the only thing he liked about me toward the end. His behavior was so confusing though because he would really praise me at times and at other times tear me down so low. And yes when I would try to leave he would threaten suicide or have his mom call me. He always always always came back. Always. And there seemed to be moments of clarity, sincerity, and insight on his part. Then he would vanish again. He was soooooo good about pointing out the flaws and inconsistencies in other people but would blatantly ignore his own. He was very entitled but timid at times.
His whole personality was a contradiction. But he has these 3 amazing children who are so well behaved and groomed and mannerly. His ex wife a masters in psychology and his sister a PhD....it's like didn't any of them see the reality of the situation? His family confused me.
I don't know I'm digressing. Just trying to sort things out here emotionally, and it's helping.
I know I was married a long time, and you can look and say, well how the h3ll did she do it? First the thing was that we lived with my mother for the first 9 years of our marriage. My dad had just died, and she couldn't afford me moving out. We built up the attic and made it a third floor. But still, there were other people around, he knew he couldn't act that way with others around.
We bought a vacation house in the Pocono's. That's when it really started. Oh, there were bits and pieces thrown in here and there. But you don't see those things. You begin to think that it's all you, because why can't you just let things go and get over things.
So I can see the first year to 2 being OK. If it wasn't, I'm sure you would have hightailed yourself outta there. Now you are in love you are looking for a commitment. You perhaps start talking about it. OMG, you may have been trying to show that you have feelings? or thoughts??, or opinions????
Well, they aren't the same as his, so he needed to go out of his way to talk down to you, to show you how worthless you are, and that if you just shut up, things will work out just right.
Well now year 3 comes around. You still didn't become his stepford wife, even though that wouldn't have been enough anyway. So he starts to abandon you. My ex ran away from home so many times, I lost count of that. He told me it was to punish me, but he could never explain why. He didn't know. Don't know how to explain that, maybe someday I can.
A male friend of mine once confided in me. He told me that he knew he was abusive, didn't know why. He told me that his ex wife was the best, that he couldn't ask for anything more. He told me that it didn't matter what his ex wife did or didn't do, that he wasn't seeing her for her. He was seeing and wanting the things he didn't have in the past. He wanted her to make all of this up to him, but he knew she couldn't because she wasn't the one he wanted it from, and it didn't matter what she did or didn't do, she couldn't be the person that he wanted those things from. He wanted it from his parents, and she just couldn't give it to him, so it was all her fault, but he was trying to reason why, and he couldn't even explain it to himself. He wanted the impossible. (I hope that made sense to you, if not, let me know, will try to explain better)
OK, so by year 4 - 5 he was blackmailing you............ He felt you trying to leave, so he was doing everything he could to pull you back in, but in the same time, he was pushing you further away, I'm pretty sure this is also when the hitting the wall, and pushing you began, or perhaps a little earlier. He was pushing you away, but was getting angry that you were pulling away. Does this make any sense to you?
See, I think this is where we get so confused, they push us away, and as we try to leave, they try to pull us back in.
I just really hope that this is helping you to see the confusion that was there the entire time. Just know that you were in an insane situation in which you tried to apply logic to, but logic doesn't exist in these situations.
I hope you are able to get a good night sleep tonight.
Keep safe, and know that I am thinking of you
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I am going to dumb this way down. He is a toxic, sick, addict. I am so glad you are having no contact with him. I agree, print it out in case you ever need it to support a P.O.
Move forward being happy you are not the one married to this creep. You are worth so much more than he could ever give you!!!! I am so glad you are seeing that!
XXX
Move forward being happy you are not the one married to this creep. You are worth so much more than he could ever give you!!!! I am so glad you are seeing that!
XXX
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Move forward being happy you are not the one married to this creep.
that truly seems to be something to be very grateful for
it is amazing sometimes as we get down the road of life and look back
and we are happy that we avoided that bump in the road
MM
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Location: atlanta, ga
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Jodie - wasn't implying that you have a sexual addiction problem in general. Sorry if it was read that way as someone on here seems to think it was.
I don't think I have to clarify what I meant - it was based on your own description of your relationship.
You sound stronger everyday, kudos!
I don't think I have to clarify what I meant - it was based on your own description of your relationship.
You sound stronger everyday, kudos!
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Thx all I don't know why I'm still missing him and so sad though. Last night I dreamt about his "wedding" in Vegas and woke up sweating.
I will never go back but I am missing him so much (still crying)...but I'm feeling stronger every day. Thanks to all of you.
I don't know why I'm still missing him and so sad though. Last night I dreamt about his "wedding" in Vegas and woke up sweating. I will never go back but I am missing him so much (still crying)...but I'm feeling stronger every day. Thanks to all of you.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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I will never go back but I am missing him so much (still crying)...but I'm feeling stronger every day.
Another thing that you should remember is that Borderlines are able to wield a lot of power through sex. In fact, it's their most powerful weapon. The way they use it is so that they have control over you.
That may be why, in part, why he's still got his hooks in you.
My AXGF was tremendous in the wrapper. Just outstanding. But when she did what she did, I just recognized that aspect of our relationship as something integral to her Borderline makeup. It had nothing to do with love and everything to do with her trying to keep me under her thumb. It worked...for a while...
We can go on and on about Borderline pathology, Bipolar Disorder, cocaine addiction, etc...but the bottom line with him remains the same. He's as sick as they get.
So, grieve if you must, but allow yourself to know what you know...
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I think your feelings are part of the process. This was a long term relationship, you had plans and expectations, dreams and were part of what you thought would be very different. Any one of us would be extremely hurt.
when the poop hit the fan, it was exposed as his bad behavior and actions smacked you right in the face, one thing after another.
I think that you have been dealing with the poop quite well, you have FTF therapy and support, you are not responding to his BS and you immediately went no contact. You know it is safe to vent here and that is good too, i never thought Redlanta's remark's reflected on your behavior either. I thought it was really brave of you to put that down as it helps me to better understand your feelings. sometimes people will over-react due to their own mindset/circumstances.
I think you will be fine and heal well, later you will find a good solid relationship with a normal guy who is not carrying so much baggage and he will appreciate you, not make you constantly question yourself.
stop crying, you are making your eyes puffy...(cucumber slices), glad you have a vacation to look forward to.
when the poop hit the fan, it was exposed as his bad behavior and actions smacked you right in the face, one thing after another.
I think that you have been dealing with the poop quite well, you have FTF therapy and support, you are not responding to his BS and you immediately went no contact. You know it is safe to vent here and that is good too, i never thought Redlanta's remark's reflected on your behavior either. I thought it was really brave of you to put that down as it helps me to better understand your feelings. sometimes people will over-react due to their own mindset/circumstances.
I think you will be fine and heal well, later you will find a good solid relationship with a normal guy who is not carrying so much baggage and he will appreciate you, not make you constantly question yourself.
stop crying, you are making your eyes puffy...(cucumber slices), glad you have a vacation to look forward to.
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I actually thought "sexual addiction" was a good thing to talk about. Perhaps because I at one time thought I was sexual addicted to my ex.
It brought up a lot of things to me that once I thought about them, things fell into place for me.
When you are in an intimate relationship with someone who has BPD, in the beginning you see and feel intimacy. I think that's because of what you think you should be feeling, and you are feeling that the other person is feeling the same thing.
Further along, you begin to feel the intimacy lacking, I am not talking about sex here. I'm talking about other things, like a glance from across the room, a smile, a slight touch on your back, things that are really hard to explain. Things that make you feel special. It's all missing, and you don't know why, but you aren't feeling it. You're starting to feel cold and empty inside, and don't know why.
The only time you think you experience this intimacy, or lack of coldness, indifference, is during sex. Intimacy has been withheld from you for so long, that it almost gives you that feeling of your first kiss, you know where you feel butterflies in your stomach. You miss that feeling so much, and you want to feel it so bad, that no matter how good or bad that they are in bed, you are just feeling sooooo special. It's like you finally achieved that emotional connection, and everything is going to be so much better.
It kind of feels like the only time you may not feel empty and unloved, is during sex. I began to crave that feeling, I wanted that feeling. I wanted that feeling all the time. I wanted that emotional connection. Without it, I was lost.
It wasn't just during the fights that I felt like had not emotional connection with him, it was all the time.
People with BPD lacks empathy, I am not saying they are bad people or sociopaths. (They can be, but that's not what I'm talking about). They have so many of their own feelings going on constantly, they are not able to think of anothers feelings.
They want intimacy (not talking about sex here), but they fear intimacy. So they push you away, so that you can't hurt them, but yet they want you, so again they will push you away.
There is absolutely nothing you can do to get that out of that cycle.
It would take years and years of them working on themselves to stop this. Nothing you can do about it.
I just really wanted to help you get that last hook of his out of you.
I know I really needed to understand some things because you can not talk about things like this logically, and that can make you question yourself over and over.
I think you are doing just great. It hasn't been that long since you have gone through this and that message yesterday just really put a spin on things, and must have really brought back the hurt and pain. I know for me, to this day, it would bring back all that hurt and pain. I know I was mad as h#ll when I found out my ex had been cheating on me, and then moved in with her while we were going through the divorce. Now I only wish them well, for my own protection.
Take the time that you need. I know you have a friend who is a therapist, perhaps find a neutral therapist, (not saying friend is not a good therapist) it might be more beneficial to help you with the work you need to do for yourself, and not the constant validation. I know you need the validation also, I just think a neutral therapist is better to work on the "you" part.
Hey, and you always have us.
Now go dry those eyes, and realize how special you are.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
amy
It brought up a lot of things to me that once I thought about them, things fell into place for me.
When you are in an intimate relationship with someone who has BPD, in the beginning you see and feel intimacy. I think that's because of what you think you should be feeling, and you are feeling that the other person is feeling the same thing.
Further along, you begin to feel the intimacy lacking, I am not talking about sex here. I'm talking about other things, like a glance from across the room, a smile, a slight touch on your back, things that are really hard to explain. Things that make you feel special. It's all missing, and you don't know why, but you aren't feeling it. You're starting to feel cold and empty inside, and don't know why.
The only time you think you experience this intimacy, or lack of coldness, indifference, is during sex. Intimacy has been withheld from you for so long, that it almost gives you that feeling of your first kiss, you know where you feel butterflies in your stomach. You miss that feeling so much, and you want to feel it so bad, that no matter how good or bad that they are in bed, you are just feeling sooooo special. It's like you finally achieved that emotional connection, and everything is going to be so much better.
It kind of feels like the only time you may not feel empty and unloved, is during sex. I began to crave that feeling, I wanted that feeling. I wanted that feeling all the time. I wanted that emotional connection. Without it, I was lost.
It wasn't just during the fights that I felt like had not emotional connection with him, it was all the time.
People with BPD lacks empathy, I am not saying they are bad people or sociopaths. (They can be, but that's not what I'm talking about). They have so many of their own feelings going on constantly, they are not able to think of anothers feelings.
They want intimacy (not talking about sex here), but they fear intimacy. So they push you away, so that you can't hurt them, but yet they want you, so again they will push you away.
There is absolutely nothing you can do to get that out of that cycle.
It would take years and years of them working on themselves to stop this. Nothing you can do about it.
I just really wanted to help you get that last hook of his out of you.
I know I really needed to understand some things because you can not talk about things like this logically, and that can make you question yourself over and over.
I think you are doing just great. It hasn't been that long since you have gone through this and that message yesterday just really put a spin on things, and must have really brought back the hurt and pain. I know for me, to this day, it would bring back all that hurt and pain. I know I was mad as h#ll when I found out my ex had been cheating on me, and then moved in with her while we were going through the divorce. Now I only wish them well, for my own protection.
Take the time that you need. I know you have a friend who is a therapist, perhaps find a neutral therapist, (not saying friend is not a good therapist) it might be more beneficial to help you with the work you need to do for yourself, and not the constant validation. I know you need the validation also, I just think a neutral therapist is better to work on the "you" part.
Hey, and you always have us.
Now go dry those eyes, and realize how special you are.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
amy
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