Originally Posted by
Jodie77 
Amy,
I can't thank you enough for sharing your story and all of your support.
It's crazy because he was sooooo put together, insightful, patient, selfless, kind and loving the first year. By year 2 he was a monster. The verbal insults, the mood swings, the emotional abuse started then.
By year 3 he was abandoning me. By year 4-5 he was straight up blackmailing me. But I would get glimpses of the old him and I would feel hopeful. He swore on his children's lives he would never leave me, and I foolishly believed him.
We had a very sexually charged relationship and I think that is the only thing he liked about me toward the end. His behavior was so confusing though because he would really praise me at times and at other times tear me down so low. And yes when I would try to leave he would threaten suicide or have his mom call me. He always always always came back. Always. And there seemed to be moments of clarity, sincerity, and insight on his part. Then he would vanish again. He was soooooo good about pointing out the flaws and inconsistencies in other people but would blatantly ignore his own. He was very entitled but timid at times.
His whole personality was a contradiction. But he has these 3 amazing children who are so well behaved and groomed and mannerly. His ex wife a masters in psychology and his sister a PhD....it's like didn't any of them see the reality of the situation? His family confused me.
I don't know I'm digressing. Just trying to sort things out here emotionally, and it's helping.
I didn't really want to quote you, I just wanted it to be right there so I could easily look back on things.
I know I was married a long time, and you can look and say, well how the h3ll did she do it? First the thing was that we lived with my mother for the first 9 years of our marriage. My dad had just died, and she couldn't afford me moving out. We built up the attic and made it a third floor. But still, there were other people around, he knew he couldn't act that way with others around.
We bought a vacation house in the Pocono's. That's when it really started. Oh, there were bits and pieces thrown in here and there. But you don't see those things. You begin to think that it's all you, because why can't you just let things go and get over things.
So I can see the first year to 2 being OK. If it wasn't, I'm sure you would have hightailed yourself outta there. Now you are in love you are looking for a commitment. You perhaps start talking about it. OMG, you may have been trying to show that you have feelings? or thoughts??, or opinions????
Well, they aren't the same as his, so he needed to go out of his way to talk down to you, to show you how worthless you are, and that if you just shut up, things will work out just right.
Well now year 3 comes around. You still didn't become his stepford wife, even though that wouldn't have been enough anyway. So he starts to abandon you. My ex ran away from home so many times, I lost count of that. He told me it was to punish me, but he could never explain why. He didn't know. Don't know how to explain that, maybe someday I can.
A male friend of mine once confided in me. He told me that he knew he was abusive, didn't know why. He told me that his ex wife was the best, that he couldn't ask for anything more. He told me that it didn't matter what his ex wife did or didn't do, that he wasn't seeing her for her. He was seeing and wanting the things he didn't have in the past. He wanted her to make all of this up to him, but he knew she couldn't because she wasn't the one he wanted it from, and it didn't matter what she did or didn't do, she couldn't be the person that he wanted those things from. He wanted it from his parents, and she just couldn't give it to him, so it was all her fault, but he was trying to reason why, and he couldn't even explain it to himself. He wanted the impossible. (I hope that made sense to you, if not, let me know, will try to explain better)
OK, so by year 4 - 5 he was blackmailing you............ He felt you trying to leave, so he was doing everything he could to pull you back in, but in the same time, he was pushing you further away, I'm pretty sure this is also when the hitting the wall, and pushing you began, or perhaps a little earlier. He was pushing you away, but was getting angry that you were pulling away. Does this make any sense to you?
See, I think this is where we get so confused, they push us away, and as we try to leave, they try to pull us back in.
I just really hope that this is helping you to see the confusion that was there the entire time. Just know that you were in an insane situation in which you tried to apply logic to, but logic doesn't exist in these situations.
I hope you are able to get a good night sleep tonight.
Keep safe, and know that I am thinking of you
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy