Now he's emailing me denying the Vegas wedding
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Jodie,
As an aside, I think it's safe to say that his devaluation of his new bride has already begun. Here we are, just weeks into the marriage, and here he is acting up. So if you can, step outside yourself for a moment and simply watch and observe.
The thing with Borderlines is they are incredibly impulsive. He wants you to feel and experience the same emotional carnage that he is. So he reaches out, as I and others have predicted he would when the marriage went down.
How do you his new bride would feel if she saw those emails to you? She'd feel betrayed, just as you feel betrayed.
But there's a crude lesson in all of this. Once banging the snot out of the new girl has lost its luster and excitement, there he is...acting up and acting out. Once she expects him to...oh, I don't know, act like a committed, responsible spouse...that's when it will blow up, and blow up spectacularly.
If your heart wasn't so involved in all of this, I'd say pop some popcorn, get comfortable, and watch the fireworks. Because this is exactly why you should be thanking God this sicko took his act on the road.
As an aside, I think it's safe to say that his devaluation of his new bride has already begun. Here we are, just weeks into the marriage, and here he is acting up. So if you can, step outside yourself for a moment and simply watch and observe.
The thing with Borderlines is they are incredibly impulsive. He wants you to feel and experience the same emotional carnage that he is. So he reaches out, as I and others have predicted he would when the marriage went down.
How do you his new bride would feel if she saw those emails to you? She'd feel betrayed, just as you feel betrayed.
But there's a crude lesson in all of this. Once banging the snot out of the new girl has lost its luster and excitement, there he is...acting up and acting out. Once she expects him to...oh, I don't know, act like a committed, responsible spouse...that's when it will blow up, and blow up spectacularly.
If your heart wasn't so involved in all of this, I'd say pop some popcorn, get comfortable, and watch the fireworks. Because this is exactly why you should be thanking God this sicko took his act on the road.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hammer, wanted to say that I really did appreciate that other post. I wish you could re post it without the distributors link.
I would say that I was in a marriage with someone who has BPD for over 27 years. It's a lot to take in and to understand. I don't think that we are actually analyzing, or trying to place fault. It's almost like we lost our own reality, and we are trying to get that back for ourselves. There is so much gaslighting in these relationships, you start to keep journals because you never know what is real and what isn't real.
When I went to this forum once that was for BDP families, and I read the stories there, I was suspicious, I thought they read my journals. What I did learn from that forum though was there was nothing I could have done to make things better, even if I did everything he told me to, he changed the menu the next day.
It's really difficult to explain that. I just had to say most times during my marriage I thought I was losing my mind.
Jodie, Please don't try to make sense out of that email, or text. It makes no sense. If my ex had written that, it would have meant that he sees love as sex. He doesn't see the real "love". If you are not having sex with him, then you don't love him. He wants you to love him again (have sex) but the reason he got married was all your fault. (eye roll here) (Pls note - this only refers to intimate relationships)
Jodie, I could expand on that, just know, he never had the capacity to be a fully committed and loving partner to you, or anyone, that feeling of human connection that we want with a partner, you know, empathy, good will, being able to resolve problems, well, he is just not capable of it, and you deserve so much better.
You really are the winner here, you avoided a life of loneliness, and a feeling of just plain emptiness. The person that you loved, was never really there, he was like an actor, a pretend person. Deep inside, there wasn't anyone home.
I hope you are doing a little better now.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
I would say that I was in a marriage with someone who has BPD for over 27 years. It's a lot to take in and to understand. I don't think that we are actually analyzing, or trying to place fault. It's almost like we lost our own reality, and we are trying to get that back for ourselves. There is so much gaslighting in these relationships, you start to keep journals because you never know what is real and what isn't real.
When I went to this forum once that was for BDP families, and I read the stories there, I was suspicious, I thought they read my journals. What I did learn from that forum though was there was nothing I could have done to make things better, even if I did everything he told me to, he changed the menu the next day.
It's really difficult to explain that. I just had to say most times during my marriage I thought I was losing my mind.
Jodie, Please don't try to make sense out of that email, or text. It makes no sense. If my ex had written that, it would have meant that he sees love as sex. He doesn't see the real "love". If you are not having sex with him, then you don't love him. He wants you to love him again (have sex) but the reason he got married was all your fault. (eye roll here) (Pls note - this only refers to intimate relationships)
Jodie, I could expand on that, just know, he never had the capacity to be a fully committed and loving partner to you, or anyone, that feeling of human connection that we want with a partner, you know, empathy, good will, being able to resolve problems, well, he is just not capable of it, and you deserve so much better.
You really are the winner here, you avoided a life of loneliness, and a feeling of just plain emptiness. The person that you loved, was never really there, he was like an actor, a pretend person. Deep inside, there wasn't anyone home.
I hope you are doing a little better now.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Amy,
That is exactly how I felt. Nothing was good enough. He was gas lighting me daily. He switched his plans and mind on a dime. Would deny saying things or minimize. EVERYTHING revolved around him. I used to say I felt like I was in the twilight zone. His behavior was sooooooo inconsistent and he never followed through with his word.
Ugh I'm glad I'm out. I'm sad but I'm glad I'm out. I feel like I lost my mind trying to understand his.
That is exactly how I felt. Nothing was good enough. He was gas lighting me daily. He switched his plans and mind on a dime. Would deny saying things or minimize. EVERYTHING revolved around him. I used to say I felt like I was in the twilight zone. His behavior was sooooooo inconsistent and he never followed through with his word.
Ugh I'm glad I'm out. I'm sad but I'm glad I'm out. I feel like I lost my mind trying to understand his.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Jodie,
I'm hearing everything that you are saying. I had no idea of what was going on when I was in the relationship, or even during the divorce, and it was a long divorce. It wasn't till I was free and clear, that my mind started to clear up and that I could look back on things and see them for what they are.
Everything you said above, I have gone through also. I actually was making a list once of all the things that he said was wrong with me. By the time I began to see a therapist, actually his therapist, I had a list of 143. They were absurd. It was things like I was an obsessive cleaner, to I never cleaned. I ironed to much, I never iron, etc.... That list was about 2 or 3 years before I left, and I stopped adding to it, I'm sure it would have been over 200. He actually did blame me for global warming, simply because I was breathing.
Now that you are away from him, do you remember the times that he raged? Did you look at his face, his eyes, his stance at that time? It was like a complete personality change.
(Do remember that I did not diagnosis yours, and I couldn't really diagnose mine, but sometimes I think we need that answer, and we can even talk about this without labeling it)
I just hope that this is helping you to be able to talk about it and to get things out, and knowing that it wasn't just you, you aren't alone. If it is not helping, just let me know. I won't be offended.
((((((hugs))))))
amy
I'm hearing everything that you are saying. I had no idea of what was going on when I was in the relationship, or even during the divorce, and it was a long divorce. It wasn't till I was free and clear, that my mind started to clear up and that I could look back on things and see them for what they are.
Everything you said above, I have gone through also. I actually was making a list once of all the things that he said was wrong with me. By the time I began to see a therapist, actually his therapist, I had a list of 143. They were absurd. It was things like I was an obsessive cleaner, to I never cleaned. I ironed to much, I never iron, etc.... That list was about 2 or 3 years before I left, and I stopped adding to it, I'm sure it would have been over 200. He actually did blame me for global warming, simply because I was breathing.
Now that you are away from him, do you remember the times that he raged? Did you look at his face, his eyes, his stance at that time? It was like a complete personality change.
(Do remember that I did not diagnosis yours, and I couldn't really diagnose mine, but sometimes I think we need that answer, and we can even talk about this without labeling it)
I just hope that this is helping you to be able to talk about it and to get things out, and knowing that it wasn't just you, you aren't alone. If it is not helping, just let me know. I won't be offended.
((((((hugs))))))
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Omg he did the same things. The hypocrisy and contradictions were astounding. I too would have to apologize just for breathing, just for existing in his presence.
He would say I was either too dressed up or a slob, too boring or too crazy, too religious or hated God, too moral or a famewhore, and on and and on.
I could NEVER win. It was maddening and infuriating.
He would say I was either too dressed up or a slob, too boring or too crazy, too religious or hated God, too moral or a famewhore, and on and and on.
I could NEVER win. It was maddening and infuriating.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I could NEVER win. It was maddening and infuriating.
Never forget that.
I laughed out loud at your post because of the way you worded it. And always sooooo full of insight! Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Jodie,
Get it all out. I think you needed this. I had friends that I could talk to, but after awhile, I got sick of hearing myself. I think things started to really hit me when I would write things down, then it was in black and white, and I could no longer deny them to myself.
I'm listening and I believe you.
I remember some of the worst times during my marriage was when he was being decent. I was "walking on eggshells" then. I was just waiting for the next explosion. Trying to watch everything that I said and did, because I never knew what the trigger would be this time. At least when he was already hating me, I knew what to expect.
I also remember the rages. I swear, I don't know if he even knew I was in the room or not. I know he did know, his anger was directed at me, but his voice had to changed to something I could never have imagined coming from him, his veins were popping, he became extremely arrogant and cold. His eyes though, that was the thing that scared me the most. He was looking at me, but I don't think he was seeing me. It was like I would look into his eyes, and not see a person there, it was like staring into the deep dark hole in his soul. He had no heart.
Get it all out. I think you needed this. I had friends that I could talk to, but after awhile, I got sick of hearing myself. I think things started to really hit me when I would write things down, then it was in black and white, and I could no longer deny them to myself.
I'm listening and I believe you.
I remember some of the worst times during my marriage was when he was being decent. I was "walking on eggshells" then. I was just waiting for the next explosion. Trying to watch everything that I said and did, because I never knew what the trigger would be this time. At least when he was already hating me, I knew what to expect.
I also remember the rages. I swear, I don't know if he even knew I was in the room or not. I know he did know, his anger was directed at me, but his voice had to changed to something I could never have imagined coming from him, his veins were popping, he became extremely arrogant and cold. His eyes though, that was the thing that scared me the most. He was looking at me, but I don't think he was seeing me. It was like I would look into his eyes, and not see a person there, it was like staring into the deep dark hole in his soul. He had no heart.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I actually was making a list once of all the things that he said was wrong with me.
On the other hand, however, she did send me a lovely picture of her and her husband exchanging rings at their wedding. I was so touched...it was just so special...
And the reason why it was so special is because she defiled her wedding simply by sending pictures to me.
And that's because she's Borderline. And that's what Borderlines do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
"If eyes are the windows to the soul, look deep within his/her eyes and where the soul should reside you will see disquieting darkness." I remember reading that in a book about disordered people.
Amy and Zoso,
You have both played a part in my healing as you understand a relationship with a BPD. It's not only addiction we are dealing with but also a host of mental illness symptoms. The alcohol only exacerbated the BPD.
This site has been so cathartic for me...a God send.
Amy and Zoso,
You have both played a part in my healing as you understand a relationship with a BPD. It's not only addiction we are dealing with but also a host of mental illness symptoms. The alcohol only exacerbated the BPD.
This site has been so cathartic for me...a God send.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by amy55 
Zoso, that really was special. Aren't they just adorable?
See, Jodie. Some of us have been in your shoes. There is life after an addict/Borderline...and it can be as good as you want it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Thumper thanks for support 
Redatlanta, yes I can admit my sexual addiction to him. No doubt that is what kept us together. I have to work on myself too.
Thanks to ALL of you who have taken the time to respond to this thread and offer your advice and support (even if I am not mentioning you by name). Thank you.
Redatlanta, yes I can admit my sexual addiction to him. No doubt that is what kept us together. I have to work on myself too.
Thanks to ALL of you who have taken the time to respond to this thread and offer your advice and support (even if I am not mentioning you by name). Thank you.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by dandylion
sozo....OMG! That is all I can say.....dandylion
The thing is (and Hammer and Amy will attest to this) is once you get a grip on the Borderline pathology, there's very little they can do to surprise you because they're so transparent.
They also have a comical lack of self awareness.
And you know what drives them batsh*t crazy? When you take your power back. When you stop engaging with them. But man, if you reengage with a Borderline, look out because that's exactly what they want.
And then they'll shove it up your backside when you do.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Jodie,
Just know that if you ever need to vomit out any more toxicity from your body, I'll listen. I do understand.
I know I needed to do that.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
PS --- I know you will come out all the stronger after this experience. You are really a terrific person.
PPS --- Zoso is absolutely right, if you reengage, then the behavior before wasn't enough to control you, so it increases to make sure you don't get away this time, even when they paint you black again.
Just know that if you ever need to vomit out any more toxicity from your body, I'll listen. I do understand.
I know I needed to do that.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
PS --- I know you will come out all the stronger after this experience. You are really a terrific person.
PPS --- Zoso is absolutely right, if you reengage, then the behavior before wasn't enough to control you, so it increases to make sure you don't get away this time, even when they paint you black again.
Last edited by amy55; 02-22-2015 at 03:04 PM. Reason: still have time to add in PPS
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Jodie,
I did have one other thing to offer to you. About the sexual addiction to him. I don't necessarily see it as that. I see it more as what I was talking about before. To him sex = love. So that was the time he was hopefully the nicest to you. So in a way I think you craved that niceness, which turned out to be sex.
Don't know if that makes sense, but I do think you will understand that.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
I did have one other thing to offer to you. About the sexual addiction to him. I don't necessarily see it as that. I see it more as what I was talking about before. To him sex = love. So that was the time he was hopefully the nicest to you. So in a way I think you craved that niceness, which turned out to be sex.
Don't know if that makes sense, but I do think you will understand that.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Hammer,
Awesome! Thank you! I will check them out now.
Amy,
I think you're right about the sex/love thing. I actually started to get the two confused as well...the deeper I got into the toxicity of him.
Awesome! Thank you! I will check them out now.
Amy,
I think you're right about the sex/love thing. I actually started to get the two confused as well...the deeper I got into the toxicity of him.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
