Trying to understand my Alcoholics addiction
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 129
Originally Posted by sugarbear1 
Have you read Codependent No More?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 129
Most people I don't think lose their home, job and end their relationship all at the same time when dealing with their Alcoholics. On top of that have their A and their family pin all of the blame on you for everything.
My counselor said that this is definitely not a normal situation to have happen to someone all at once. A mountain to handle
I am doing the best I can right now I am doing the best I can to maintain no contact and that is require huge amounts of emotional effort right now
My counselor said that this is definitely not a normal situation to have happen to someone all at once. A mountain to handle
I am doing the best I can right now I am doing the best I can to maintain no contact and that is require huge amounts of emotional effort right now
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by exparatrooper
I go to counseling once a week, church on Saturday and a men's group meeting on Tuesday ... How is it my fault that I can't get her out of my head. As soon as I wake up its there, I can't turn it off. I appreciate your advice but I don't know how to accomplish what your asking me to do.
I see your first posts here are on August 30. Since then, you have 114 posts. Every single one of them is in this thread except for a handful right at the beginning that are in one other thread. However, even those posts are all about you and your situation. You haven't shown any interest in anyone else's situation by posting to any other threads.
Take off those blinders and look around you! Other people are struggling here too; maybe a kind word or some support from you would make their day. It doesn't take a car, gas money, a job or anything else to do that. All you have to do is stop thinking of what you've lost (or believe you've lost) and think about what you have to give. Then DO IT. Reach out to someone who needs it, even if all you can say is "I'm sorry you're struggling" or "I wish you well." What you get back will be so much more than what you give.
Yes, your situation is bad. But you're not the only one who's had to overcome a mountain of crap. Reading the stories here would help you realize that. Others have found their path to recovery, one small step at a time. You can, too. You are no different and no less than anyone else here.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 129
Originally Posted by honeypig
But you CAN. You do NOT have to give her space in your head if you do not choose to. Here's a suggestion on how to start:
I see your first posts here are on August 30. Since then, you have 114 posts. Every single one of them is in this thread except for a handful right at the beginning that are in one other thread. However, even those posts are all about you and your situation. You haven't shown any interest in anyone else's situation by posting to any other threads.
Take off those blinders and look around you! Other people are struggling here too; maybe a kind word or some support from you would make their day. It doesn't take a car, gas money, a job or anything else to do that. All you have to do is stop thinking of what you've lost (or believe you've lost) and think about what you have to give. Then DO IT. Reach out to someone who needs it, even if all you can say is "I'm sorry you're struggling" or "I wish you well." What you get back will be so much more than what you give.
Yes, your situation is bad. But you're not the only one who's had to overcome a mountain of crap. Reading the stories here would help you realize that. Others have found their path to recovery, one small step at a time. You can, too. You are no different and no less than anyone else here.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
I see your first posts here are on August 30. Since then, you have 114 posts. Every single one of them is in this thread except for a handful right at the beginning that are in one other thread. However, even those posts are all about you and your situation. You haven't shown any interest in anyone else's situation by posting to any other threads.
Take off those blinders and look around you! Other people are struggling here too; maybe a kind word or some support from you would make their day. It doesn't take a car, gas money, a job or anything else to do that. All you have to do is stop thinking of what you've lost (or believe you've lost) and think about what you have to give. Then DO IT. Reach out to someone who needs it, even if all you can say is "I'm sorry you're struggling" or "I wish you well." What you get back will be so much more than what you give.
Yes, your situation is bad. But you're not the only one who's had to overcome a mountain of crap. Reading the stories here would help you realize that. Others have found their path to recovery, one small step at a time. You can, too. You are no different and no less than anyone else here.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by exparatrooper
Im sorry i didnt mean to offend anyone
Can you volunteer somewhere while waiting for a job to come thru? That would provide some structure and some sense of self-worth as well as giving you something else to think about besides your ex. It probably wouldn't look bad on a resume either...
There are so many stories here of people doing what they thought they could never do. You are not helpless either. You are stronger and more resourceful than you even know--you just need to start tapping into that. You will amaze yourself once you do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
This video may strike home for you. I always come to the end of this w/tears in my eyes. Thanks for giving me an opportunity to post the link:
Arthur's Incredible Transformation! on Vimeo
OK, that's the end of my post-fest here. Hope you've found some help somewhere in this.
Arthur's Incredible Transformation! on Vimeo
OK, that's the end of my post-fest here. Hope you've found some help somewhere in this.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hey Para, I know waft it's like to be in that dark place, so, are you willing to take some advice from a former jarhead?
I didn't read the whole thread but I did read the last several days. I'd like to share some things that helped me walk out of hell and get to a safe place again. It sounds like my AW and yours could be sisters.
The 3 C's. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it.
Getting out of the house really works. I'm getting too old to run without pain but I walk 2 to 3 miles pretty much every day. Movement is strong medicine.
I also had to learn that I was more than my story. That voice in my head sure talked a lot but it always seemed to focus on the bad stuff. To quiet the voice I started a mindfulness practice. I found a mantra I liked an whenever I caught myself climbing into the hamster wheel in my head I would focus on it. Your brain can be rewired, like anything else it's hard work. That voice is just brain cells that have become used to firing together. This technique lets you interrupt that pattern and replace it with the mantra. Takes work but after a while you will find out the mantra is kicking off without you even thinking about it. It will cut off that voice before it even gets started.
I also wrote in a journal every day. Whatever popped into my head. I wrote some nasty ugly stuff as well as some pretty powerful insights. Putting my thoughts and emotions down on paper was like draining pus from a wound. You have to clean out the nasty gunk before you can really start to heal.
This is some of the stuff that really helped me along with this forum and AlAnon.
Think of it this way. You are standing in the middle of hell, pick a direction and start walking.
Really, if some dumb Marine can do it surely a paratrooper can do it better.
Oohrah.
Your friend,
I didn't read the whole thread but I did read the last several days. I'd like to share some things that helped me walk out of hell and get to a safe place again. It sounds like my AW and yours could be sisters.
The 3 C's. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it.
Getting out of the house really works. I'm getting too old to run without pain but I walk 2 to 3 miles pretty much every day. Movement is strong medicine.
I also had to learn that I was more than my story. That voice in my head sure talked a lot but it always seemed to focus on the bad stuff. To quiet the voice I started a mindfulness practice. I found a mantra I liked an whenever I caught myself climbing into the hamster wheel in my head I would focus on it. Your brain can be rewired, like anything else it's hard work. That voice is just brain cells that have become used to firing together. This technique lets you interrupt that pattern and replace it with the mantra. Takes work but after a while you will find out the mantra is kicking off without you even thinking about it. It will cut off that voice before it even gets started.
I also wrote in a journal every day. Whatever popped into my head. I wrote some nasty ugly stuff as well as some pretty powerful insights. Putting my thoughts and emotions down on paper was like draining pus from a wound. You have to clean out the nasty gunk before you can really start to heal.
This is some of the stuff that really helped me along with this forum and AlAnon.
Think of it this way. You are standing in the middle of hell, pick a direction and start walking.
Really, if some dumb Marine can do it surely a paratrooper can do it better.
Oohrah.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Good Morning trooper,
I guess that you can figure out why I respond to your posts. I felt the same way, my brain was non stop thinking about all of the why's. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. My mind just stayed on that hamster wheel. I left my house, lost financial security, and lost my children. You see their father had been working on them to prove to them I was "nuts". So I didn't have much contact with them.
Lucky for me I had friends that lived in the next state and they invited me to live with them. They wouldn't take any money from me. Yes, I had an income, it's a federal pension, but it is not that much.
The house they bought was to be their retirement home, where they would move after they retire. So I was alone during the week, and saw them on weekends. Now they never asked me to do anything, but I realized I would continue to make myself crazy if I just sat around and thought about things. (It really can make you crazy when you have all the same questions, and there are no answers, that is how I developed the PTSD). So, I started to paint their new home. All the walls and ceilings were lime green. I couldn't handle that!!!!!!! I needed to keep busy and they needed some work done on their house. This benefited both of us. They had freshly painted walls and ceilings, and I had something to keep my crazy mind busy.
The other benefit I got from them was their thanks, this really helped a lot with my self-esteem and self-confidence. I was even hired by one of their relatives to paint rooms at their home.
My friends were with me during my entire divorce, and they are still here for me today.
So the way I got thru all of this was:
1. I had to leave the source of my emotional stress
2. I had to keep busy and do things that I liked to do. (I like painting)
3. I had to rebuild my self-esteem and self-confidence
4. I had to learn to love myself, or at least like myself (and work on the love later)
5. I had to stop caring what he thought about me or what anyone thought about me. I finally had trusted friends that loved and respected me for who I was. I was actually somewhat adopted by their family. I go to all their family reunions, and they treat me as if I was born into their family.
*****Lets talk a little about the "trust" thing. I was married a very long time. If you are in a marriage, dating, engaged, you tend to want to trust that person. You want to feel the person loves you and would never do anything to hurt you. I guess you have expectations of this, (and I somewhat feel, that should be a normal expectation) but it's not. Not when you get involved with an abusive alcoholic. Yes, you ex is abusive. They lie to themselves, they lie to you, and they lie about you. They treat you like you are the enemy.
Now for whatever reason her mother does not like you, I'm gonna say here it is because of the lies and manipulation that your ex used, also add into that that this family was already dysfunctional. My ex had tried to turn his family against me, but they didn't buy his BS.
I like honeypigs suggestion about doing some volunteer work. How about at a animal shelter. Animals are great for helping a person heal.
Perhaps start looking for a job in a more distant location, like the one where you had to turn it down.
Keep in mind that if you ever get back with your ex, if you think you are a mess emotionally now, I can't imagine your state of mind after another 2+ years.
If you ever think you don't have friends, look at how easily you made friends here. We reply to you, because we like you, and think you are terrific. It's just that you aren't seeing this now. You're still hearing her voice in your head. Exorcise that voice, replace it with ours, until you can replace it with yours telling you that yes, you are good enough. Yes, you will go far with your life. Yes, you will be happy. Yes, you will be a success.
It's hard to do, but try to replace the negative thoughts with all of the positive thoughts. If you look at what you have done in the last 12 years, you served your country, you had a 6 figure job, you went back to school, you got a 3.7 GPA. You have a new beginning.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
I guess that you can figure out why I respond to your posts. I felt the same way, my brain was non stop thinking about all of the why's. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. My mind just stayed on that hamster wheel. I left my house, lost financial security, and lost my children. You see their father had been working on them to prove to them I was "nuts". So I didn't have much contact with them.
Lucky for me I had friends that lived in the next state and they invited me to live with them. They wouldn't take any money from me. Yes, I had an income, it's a federal pension, but it is not that much.
The house they bought was to be their retirement home, where they would move after they retire. So I was alone during the week, and saw them on weekends. Now they never asked me to do anything, but I realized I would continue to make myself crazy if I just sat around and thought about things. (It really can make you crazy when you have all the same questions, and there are no answers, that is how I developed the PTSD). So, I started to paint their new home. All the walls and ceilings were lime green. I couldn't handle that!!!!!!! I needed to keep busy and they needed some work done on their house. This benefited both of us. They had freshly painted walls and ceilings, and I had something to keep my crazy mind busy.
The other benefit I got from them was their thanks, this really helped a lot with my self-esteem and self-confidence. I was even hired by one of their relatives to paint rooms at their home.
My friends were with me during my entire divorce, and they are still here for me today.
So the way I got thru all of this was:
1. I had to leave the source of my emotional stress
2. I had to keep busy and do things that I liked to do. (I like painting)
3. I had to rebuild my self-esteem and self-confidence
4. I had to learn to love myself, or at least like myself (and work on the love later)
5. I had to stop caring what he thought about me or what anyone thought about me. I finally had trusted friends that loved and respected me for who I was. I was actually somewhat adopted by their family. I go to all their family reunions, and they treat me as if I was born into their family.
*****Lets talk a little about the "trust" thing. I was married a very long time. If you are in a marriage, dating, engaged, you tend to want to trust that person. You want to feel the person loves you and would never do anything to hurt you. I guess you have expectations of this, (and I somewhat feel, that should be a normal expectation) but it's not. Not when you get involved with an abusive alcoholic. Yes, you ex is abusive. They lie to themselves, they lie to you, and they lie about you. They treat you like you are the enemy.
Now for whatever reason her mother does not like you, I'm gonna say here it is because of the lies and manipulation that your ex used, also add into that that this family was already dysfunctional. My ex had tried to turn his family against me, but they didn't buy his BS.
I like honeypigs suggestion about doing some volunteer work. How about at a animal shelter. Animals are great for helping a person heal.
Perhaps start looking for a job in a more distant location, like the one where you had to turn it down.
Keep in mind that if you ever get back with your ex, if you think you are a mess emotionally now, I can't imagine your state of mind after another 2+ years.
If you ever think you don't have friends, look at how easily you made friends here. We reply to you, because we like you, and think you are terrific. It's just that you aren't seeing this now. You're still hearing her voice in your head. Exorcise that voice, replace it with ours, until you can replace it with yours telling you that yes, you are good enough. Yes, you will go far with your life. Yes, you will be happy. Yes, you will be a success.
It's hard to do, but try to replace the negative thoughts with all of the positive thoughts. If you look at what you have done in the last 12 years, you served your country, you had a 6 figure job, you went back to school, you got a 3.7 GPA. You have a new beginning.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
Originally Posted by honeypig
But you CAN. You do NOT have to give her space in your head if you do not choose to. Here's a suggestion on how to start:
I see your first posts here are on August 30. Since then, you have 114 posts. Every single one of them is in this thread except for a handful right at the beginning that are in one other thread. However, even those posts are all about you and your situation. You haven't shown any interest in anyone else's situation by posting to any other threads.
Take off those blinders and look around you! Other people are struggling here too; maybe a kind word or some support from you would make their day. It doesn't take a car, gas money, a job or anything else to do that. All you have to do is stop thinking of what you've lost (or believe you've lost) and think about what you have to give. Then DO IT. Reach out to someone who needs it, even if all you can say is "I'm sorry you're struggling" or "I wish you well." What you get back will be so much more than what you give.
Yes, your situation is bad. But you're not the only one who's had to overcome a mountain of crap. Reading the stories here would help you realize that. Others have found their path to recovery, one small step at a time. You can, too. You are no different and no less than anyone else here.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
I see your first posts here are on August 30. Since then, you have 114 posts. Every single one of them is in this thread except for a handful right at the beginning that are in one other thread. However, even those posts are all about you and your situation. You haven't shown any interest in anyone else's situation by posting to any other threads.
Take off those blinders and look around you! Other people are struggling here too; maybe a kind word or some support from you would make their day. It doesn't take a car, gas money, a job or anything else to do that. All you have to do is stop thinking of what you've lost (or believe you've lost) and think about what you have to give. Then DO IT. Reach out to someone who needs it, even if all you can say is "I'm sorry you're struggling" or "I wish you well." What you get back will be so much more than what you give.
Yes, your situation is bad. But you're not the only one who's had to overcome a mountain of crap. Reading the stories here would help you realize that. Others have found their path to recovery, one small step at a time. You can, too. You are no different and no less than anyone else here.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Honeypig, this is one of the BEST pieces of advice I have ever read here at SR.
Trooper - don't take this personally, you haven't offended anyone. What Honey is trying to illustrate for you here is that you don't have to CHOOSE to stay in this mode of "Victim Mentality".
At some point it stops being about what was done *to* us & more about what we are *doing* to change it. She's obviously sick, so ask yourself why does her opinion matter to you in any way? Her family is doing what dysfunctional families do - they circle the wagons to protect the injured member..... they don't want to see the reality of her issues any more than she does, they are AS SICK as she is, so again, why does their opinion of you matter?
As Honey also pointed out, stepping out into other threads here at SR helps get some perspective. You may be shocked at how much you learn once you open up & start seeing the similarities in your story to so many others here.
A common thread among us here is that we try not to focus *too much* on our Qualifiers or their recovery - our Success Stories come from US, from OUR recoveries, from OUR growth. Your Ex was horrible to you, but are you going to let her define how you go forward in life?
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Chicago, Il
Posts: 123
Para, why do u care if she and her family is blaming it on u....my x cheated and somehow he blamed it on me! Correct me if I am wrong.... But don't most alcoholics displace fault and responsibility on others!
I was stuck too in ur place! But u r giving ur ex way too much power by obsessing! No one can change what happened, but we can start changing how we are dealing with it! We are the ones responsible at this point on for our healing process....not our ex!
I was stuck too in ur place! But u r giving ur ex way too much power by obsessing! No one can change what happened, but we can start changing how we are dealing with it! We are the ones responsible at this point on for our healing process....not our ex!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh yes, my X's family blames me totally. In hindsight it almost makes me laugh. He had an affair, cost us thousands, is an alcoholic, my children were afraid of him, the list goes on. And it's my fault? The thing is, they cannot see past what they want. They cannot imagine it b/c they are not the one going through it. BLOOD WITH ALWAYS BE THICKER THAN WATER.
And I hate to say this, but many before you and many after you will lose everything, every single thing, to the alcoholic. You have a choice to wallow in it, or heal from it and move forward. I understand that takes time, that's ok too. However, to continue to wallow in it will hurt one person...YOU.
I don't say this callously, I promise you that. You are in my prayers.
And I hate to say this, but many before you and many after you will lose everything, every single thing, to the alcoholic. You have a choice to wallow in it, or heal from it and move forward. I understand that takes time, that's ok too. However, to continue to wallow in it will hurt one person...YOU.
I don't say this callously, I promise you that. You are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 101
Hey exparatrooper,
You’d be surprised to learn that your situation is not all that uncommon. My youngest son left for college shortly after my divorce, I had to sell my home of 18 years and I moved to Alaska from Colorado to live with my sister until I got on my feet financially. I had been a stay-at-home mom for 16 years so I hadn’t worked in a long time. I was 52 years old and by this time I had developed quite a love affair with vodka. My life was just one big mess; however with time everything worked out and I healed.
I know that you weren’t married; however it appears that the emotions that you are feeling are similar to the emotions that many people feel after a divorce. Many churches and other organizations host divorce recovery support groups that might help you. There are also many divorce recovery websites that might be helpful.
I am not a medical professional; however you also may be experiencing some situational depression and seeing a doctor might help if that’s the case.
As far as finding a job it might be helpful to expand your search area. Many people find that they need to move to find better job opportunities. Maybe a fresh start elsewhere would help you with healing.
Probably the best advice SR members have given you is to reach out and help others. Perhaps you could find some time to volunteer. It would also give you a chance to get out and meet other people. Do what you can to help make yourself and the world around you a better place. You won’t regret it.
You’d be surprised to learn that your situation is not all that uncommon. My youngest son left for college shortly after my divorce, I had to sell my home of 18 years and I moved to Alaska from Colorado to live with my sister until I got on my feet financially. I had been a stay-at-home mom for 16 years so I hadn’t worked in a long time. I was 52 years old and by this time I had developed quite a love affair with vodka. My life was just one big mess; however with time everything worked out and I healed.
I know that you weren’t married; however it appears that the emotions that you are feeling are similar to the emotions that many people feel after a divorce. Many churches and other organizations host divorce recovery support groups that might help you. There are also many divorce recovery websites that might be helpful.
I am not a medical professional; however you also may be experiencing some situational depression and seeing a doctor might help if that’s the case.
As far as finding a job it might be helpful to expand your search area. Many people find that they need to move to find better job opportunities. Maybe a fresh start elsewhere would help you with healing.
Probably the best advice SR members have given you is to reach out and help others. Perhaps you could find some time to volunteer. It would also give you a chance to get out and meet other people. Do what you can to help make yourself and the world around you a better place. You won’t regret it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 101
I’d like to add one more post.
One person that I have come to admire greatly is Gandhi. I have learned a great deal not only from the way that he lived his life but from his words as well. He has become one of my personal hero’s so I thought I might leave you with some of his words of wisdom that have I have found truly inspirational.
THE BEST WAY TO FIND YOURSELF IS TO LOSE YOURSELF IN THE SERVICE OF OTHERS.
YOU MUST BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD.
STRENGTH DOES NOT COME FROM PHYSICAL CAPACITY. IT COMES FROM INDOMITABLE WILL.
EVEN IF YOU ARE A MINORITY OF ONE, THE TRUTH IS THE TRUTH.
TRUTH STANDS, EVEN IF THERE BE NO PUBLIC SUPPORT. IT IS SELF-SUSTAINED.
YOU MUST NOT LOSE FAITH IN HUMANITY. HUMANITY IS THE OCEAN; IF A FEW DROPS OF THE OCEAN ARE DIRTY, THE OCEAN DOES NOT BECOME DIRTY.
LIVE AS IF YOU WERE TO DIE TOMORROW. LEARN AS IF YOU WERE TO LIVE FOREVER.
NOBODY CAN HURT ME WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.
EACH ONE HAS TO FIND HIS PEACE FROM WITHIN. FOR PEACE TO BE REAL IT MUST BE UNAFFECTED BY OUTSIDE CIRCUMSTANCES.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT WE DO AND WHAT WE ARE CAPABLE OF DOING WOULD SUFFICE TO SOLVE MOST OF THE WORLD’S PROBLEMS.
Just remember that you may not be able to change the way another person behaves towards you; however you can change the way that you respond to their behavior. Hang tough and be strong!
One person that I have come to admire greatly is Gandhi. I have learned a great deal not only from the way that he lived his life but from his words as well. He has become one of my personal hero’s so I thought I might leave you with some of his words of wisdom that have I have found truly inspirational.
THE BEST WAY TO FIND YOURSELF IS TO LOSE YOURSELF IN THE SERVICE OF OTHERS.
YOU MUST BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD.
STRENGTH DOES NOT COME FROM PHYSICAL CAPACITY. IT COMES FROM INDOMITABLE WILL.
EVEN IF YOU ARE A MINORITY OF ONE, THE TRUTH IS THE TRUTH.
TRUTH STANDS, EVEN IF THERE BE NO PUBLIC SUPPORT. IT IS SELF-SUSTAINED.
YOU MUST NOT LOSE FAITH IN HUMANITY. HUMANITY IS THE OCEAN; IF A FEW DROPS OF THE OCEAN ARE DIRTY, THE OCEAN DOES NOT BECOME DIRTY.
LIVE AS IF YOU WERE TO DIE TOMORROW. LEARN AS IF YOU WERE TO LIVE FOREVER.
NOBODY CAN HURT ME WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.
EACH ONE HAS TO FIND HIS PEACE FROM WITHIN. FOR PEACE TO BE REAL IT MUST BE UNAFFECTED BY OUTSIDE CIRCUMSTANCES.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT WE DO AND WHAT WE ARE CAPABLE OF DOING WOULD SUFFICE TO SOLVE MOST OF THE WORLD’S PROBLEMS.
Just remember that you may not be able to change the way another person behaves towards you; however you can change the way that you respond to their behavior. Hang tough and be strong!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Sir, I felt the need to understand for years. The things that had happened were such a blow....and much of it so unneccesary to my way of thinking. I had to understand what had happened to me.
What I have not seen mentioned here is that alcoholism is progressive.
Unless she make deep life altering changes it will get worse and worse.
More than a decade down the road, he has had serial girlfriends, short lived and has learned nothing. He also still drinks.
I would not have survived that all these years.
What I have not seen mentioned here is that alcoholism is progressive.
Unless she make deep life altering changes it will get worse and worse.
More than a decade down the road, he has had serial girlfriends, short lived and has learned nothing. He also still drinks.
I would not have survived that all these years.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Wherever we go, there we are.
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by FireSprite
:
Her family is doing what dysfunctional families do - they circle the wagons to protect the injured member..... they don't want to see the reality of her issues any more than she does, they are AS SICK as she is, so again, why does their opinion of you matter?
As Honey also pointed out, stepping out into other threads here at SR helps get some perspective. You may be shocked at how much you learn once you open up & start seeing the similarities in your story to so many others here.
A common thread among us here is that we try not to focus *too much* on our Qualifiers or their recovery - our Success Stories come from US, from OUR recoveries, from OUR growth. Your Ex was horrible to you, but are you going to let her define how you go forward in life?
Her family is doing what dysfunctional families do - they circle the wagons to protect the injured member..... they don't want to see the reality of her issues any more than she does, they are AS SICK as she is, so again, why does their opinion of you matter?
As Honey also pointed out, stepping out into other threads here at SR helps get some perspective. You may be shocked at how much you learn once you open up & start seeing the similarities in your story to so many others here.
A common thread among us here is that we try not to focus *too much* on our Qualifiers or their recovery - our Success Stories come from US, from OUR recoveries, from OUR growth. Your Ex was horrible to you, but are you going to let her define how you go forward in life?
I share this because even with everything I've learned in recovery, it's taken years for me to GET that it's a family disease. It's been repeated a thousand times over in meetings and here on SR, but my own denial and enabling kept me from seeing theirs. Maybe it's subconscious or even conscious insecurity, and it's part of their own self-protection to enable and blame lest the sins of the daughter reflect poorly on them.
Regardless, it doesn't matter - YOU know your truth and it doesn't have to be validated by anyone to be your truth. It's yours.
Also, reaching out to other threads is rewarding in so many ways. Not only do you see how truly not alone you are, but you'd be surprised when something you say helps someone. There is so much collective wisdom from experience here. It's a priceless gift that only exists because we all keep giving it back.
You are the best qualified person to save yourself from the prison of your own mind. Taking care of yourself in the ways you already have, along with contributing here and perhaps volunteering as others have suggested, or doing some other service work or hobby are great paths to start down toward your recovery.
Hang in there...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 129
WoW... I took a day off today and i come back to all of these posts... I cant say enough thanks to everyone here.... Thank you for taking the time to write up all of these helpful posts..
I will give everyone an update... I had a counseling appt today at the VA... and yes situation depression seems to be the culprit here and they gave me something to help me take the edge off and try to help me focus on me for awhile... after i make it through or when i think its time i can just stop taking it... So lets hope it works...
I will do my best to take all of the advice that i can from all of you..
but I want to share with all of you a milestone in my life right now.... one of the hardest things i have ever done i accomplished tonight...
My ex sent me an email tonight!!! And..... I DELETED IT. I did not reply either....
Go me! You guys and girls rock... thanks for helping
I will give everyone an update... I had a counseling appt today at the VA... and yes situation depression seems to be the culprit here and they gave me something to help me take the edge off and try to help me focus on me for awhile... after i make it through or when i think its time i can just stop taking it... So lets hope it works...
I will do my best to take all of the advice that i can from all of you..
but I want to share with all of you a milestone in my life right now.... one of the hardest things i have ever done i accomplished tonight...
My ex sent me an email tonight!!! And..... I DELETED IT. I did not reply either....
Go me! You guys and girls rock... thanks for helping
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
High five homie. Glad you were able to get in for a VA appt. Does your VA offer a mindfulness class? I have been doing one via telemedicine for the past couple of months and the techniques have been really helpful. I suffer from depression and PTSD and I have found that meditation as part of a good self care routine really helps keep those symptoms in check. I have been able to get along without any medication (though I would certainly take it again if I needed to).
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