lillamy

How do you forgive yourself for that?
Asking for a friend.
No, not really. Asking for myself, because that's where I'm stuck right now.

wanttobehealthy

Lillamy,
I "know you" only from here but from what I know you are an amazing protective mama bear mom.

You helped me more than you'll ever know with first, leaving my xAH and more recently forcing myself and my kids to have to face horrible awful things that should never ever have to be discussed or experienced by kids.

You left your xAH and you have been fighting to protect your kids for years. If you were with him still think about the condition you and your kids would be in.

And (I do not believe this one bit yet to be totally honest but I tell myself it) the kids therapist tells me that when kids are falling apart and struggling that at least means they are feeling something and that I ought to be A LOT more relieved to see that than to see them being perfect and seemingly fine...

You are an amazing mom doing all you can for your kids!

lillamy

Thank you -- for all your nice words but even more, for this. My husband keeps telling me that -- that the fact that I'm falling apart (emotionally and physically) means I'm finally allowing myself to feel all that garbage that was stuffed away during so many years.

What I find is that my rational thought and my feelings are at odds here. Rationally, I know this: I did the best I could with what I had at the time. I left when I was able to. I have done everything possible after the divorce to provide the kids with a safe, healthy home and the emotional support they need -- both from me and from counselors and therapists. I know that.

But I don't feel it. I'm struggling with the fact that I've managed to forgive my ex for the abuse he put us all through. But I have a hard time forgiving myself -- emotionally, not rationally -- for not protecting the kids and realizing how horrid their childhood was.

wanttobehealthy

Me too.

What I know rationally and what I feel when I see my kids falling apart, having NOTHING, crying for their dad EVEN though he has abused them... are totally different...

I sometimes wish that I could turn emotions off and on like a sociopath (aka the xAH) bc the hurt I feel when I see that I contributed to their lives sucking is just so much...

But intellectually I know, as you do, that we did the best we could with what we knew at the time...

No one assumes the worst or wants to believe their spouse is beyond repair, so we stay and hope and work on it thinking that is a two way street...

And it takes a long time to accept that A's arent sane or wired like the rest of us and accept there there is nothing to work on.

And you saw that and left a LOT faster than I did so your kids were more protected than mine if that is any comfort...