Trying to understand my Alcoholics addiction
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Originally Posted by fairlyuncertain 
I just read this thread and it resonated with me. So. Much. Thank you.
First, I highly recommend the book "Quiet:The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking," by Susan Cain.
If you're an introvert, don't hate it, embrace it! We are awesome, insightful people and it's a great thing to know about yourself, so YOU can decide if you want an extrovert to balance you out, or another introvert that complements your interests.
Because your ex sounds like mine. This bright exterior that fools everyone, and inside, a black heart and a bottomless thirst for booze. My ex was abusive, confusing, and blamed me. Although he's allegedly sober, he is still blaming me. I obsessed over why he was turning people against me. His family won't speak to me, and I have no idea why.
I really felt the need and desire to reach out to people and convince them I wasn't evil. Reason out this whole thing. Make sense of it, and EXPLAIN. I guess I really thought on some level that it WAS my fault, and if people would just understand what was happening in our home, they wouldn't blame me.
I know now that that's not how it works. I can't control other people. I try to surround myself with people who understand alcoholism and its toxic effects. These are people who can't be manipulated by As, because they know better.
Al-anon and SR were so reassuring to me--no one would ask me, 'why don't you pour out the bottles and hide the keys and just be pleasant to him?" No one here thinks his alcoholism is proof that I'm stressful/incompetent/worthless/etc!
Ironically, when I accept that it's not my fault, I can move happily through my life, making plans, building a future. But if I get back into the muck at all--analyzing what he's trying to do, why he's doing what he does...I get lost again in worry, stress, depression and feeling paralyzed by inaction.
I was going there this week, and this thread bumped me back out. Thanks everyone!! And congrats on the new job!!
First, I highly recommend the book "Quiet:The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking," by Susan Cain.
If you're an introvert, don't hate it, embrace it! We are awesome, insightful people and it's a great thing to know about yourself, so YOU can decide if you want an extrovert to balance you out, or another introvert that complements your interests.
Because your ex sounds like mine. This bright exterior that fools everyone, and inside, a black heart and a bottomless thirst for booze. My ex was abusive, confusing, and blamed me. Although he's allegedly sober, he is still blaming me. I obsessed over why he was turning people against me. His family won't speak to me, and I have no idea why.
I really felt the need and desire to reach out to people and convince them I wasn't evil. Reason out this whole thing. Make sense of it, and EXPLAIN. I guess I really thought on some level that it WAS my fault, and if people would just understand what was happening in our home, they wouldn't blame me.
I know now that that's not how it works. I can't control other people. I try to surround myself with people who understand alcoholism and its toxic effects. These are people who can't be manipulated by As, because they know better.
Al-anon and SR were so reassuring to me--no one would ask me, 'why don't you pour out the bottles and hide the keys and just be pleasant to him?" No one here thinks his alcoholism is proof that I'm stressful/incompetent/worthless/etc!
Ironically, when I accept that it's not my fault, I can move happily through my life, making plans, building a future. But if I get back into the muck at all--analyzing what he's trying to do, why he's doing what he does...I get lost again in worry, stress, depression and feeling paralyzed by inaction.
I was going there this week, and this thread bumped me back out. Thanks everyone!! And congrats on the new job!!
I also have more news i forgot to mention...
Out of the blue yesterday my Engagement ring showed up in a USPS small box wrapped in paper shop towels... no note nothing just the ring wrapped in paper shop towels... it was sent by her parents it was from her parents address but it is not my ex's hand writing it was her mothers but her mother put my exs name on it. whatever... I have no clue why all of a sudden almost 3 months later they decided to send it back... maybe they finally found out what their daughter has been up too since i left her.
oh she wrecked her brand shiny new car her parents bought her... i got a chuckle out of that.. she scrapped the entire passenger side from the front to the back... the interesting thing we were together for 3.5 years... she got a new car about 2 years ago... and there was not a single scratch on it.. I wonder why? oh ya because her designated driver (me) drove her everywhere in my car!! 3 weeks out of rehab she has already wrecked her new car... so i guess that should tell me something there too... smacks self in forehead... doh
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ummmmm, no. You know I want the best for you. I know you can do this, anything you put your mind to, you can do. Please stop beating yourself up.
Do I need to tell you again how special, terrific , and great you are? That's really not a question, because it's the truth.
Do I need to tell you again how special, terrific , and great you are? That's really not a question, because it's the truth.
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Originally Posted by amy55
ummmmm, no. You know I want the best for you. I know you can do this, anything you put your mind to, you can do. Please stop beating yourself up.
Do I need to tell you again how special, terrific , and great you are? That's really not a question, because it's the truth.
Do I need to tell you again how special, terrific , and great you are? That's really not a question, because it's the truth.
I need to find a job and figure out how to be happy with myself.. i dont need a job to be happy... I learned that this week. So i am putting in applications for positions i think may be less stressful at least for now... and who knows maybe in the process more doors will open for me.
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Now, ok you couldn't concentrate. You are better then all of this. Remember that day that day that we spent together. I think it was on a Sunday. Yes, it was internet, and that's OK also. I had a really good time talking to you. I appreciate you. You are going to go out in the world and get a job that you really want. Perhaps this one didn't fit you. But doing laundry, perhaps in the intermin is OK. You will succeed, and that I know. You have it in you. You are a fighter.
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Originally Posted by amy55
No, you never have to get a job to impress another person. You need a job that you like doing. You know I am always in your corner.
well i wasnt ready for it.. it was way to much ... for this old paratrooper.. 37 lol
So the lesson I learned is strength isnt always about how much you can benchpress.. being tough enough to hurl yourself out of an airplane, running 10 miles... strength is ones personal ability to endure lifes difficult challenges... and my biggest mistake is thinking that lifes difficult challenges were ONLY things that were PHYSICALLY difficult... I never thought that I would find myself in a place where I would be struggling with the mental equivalent of moving what appeared to be a mental immovable object called Grief, sorry, guilt, anguish, emotional pain and stress..... There is no army field manual for that!
I was hit with something i was not prepared for.. I have been learning allot about myself through all of this and never realized it until now...
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I'm listening trooper. There isn't anything harder to deal with then grief. Hoping that things just go away. That the world should be as it is.
We all want those things, but sometimes they are not there for us.
Thank you for posting again. It helps me, it helps others. We embrace each other during these times.
Now tell me for that old 37 yr old, what are you going to do today. Going to go out running for awhile?
Remember, I think you are terrific.
(((((((hugs))))))))
amy
We all want those things, but sometimes they are not there for us.
Thank you for posting again. It helps me, it helps others. We embrace each other during these times.
Now tell me for that old 37 yr old, what are you going to do today. Going to go out running for awhile?
Remember, I think you are terrific.
(((((((hugs))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 129
Originally Posted by amy55
I'm listening trooper. There isn't anything harder to deal with then grief. Hoping that things just go away. That the world should be as it is.
We all want those things, but sometimes they are not there for us.
Thank you for posting again. It helps me, it helps others. We embrace each other during these times.
Now tell me for that old 37 yr old, what are you going to do today. Going to go out running for awhile?
Remember, I think you are terrific.
(((((((hugs))))))))
amy
We all want those things, but sometimes they are not there for us.
Thank you for posting again. It helps me, it helps others. We embrace each other during these times.
Now tell me for that old 37 yr old, what are you going to do today. Going to go out running for awhile?
Remember, I think you are terrific.
(((((((hugs))))))))
amy
Her apartment complex has a gym and a tanning bed! Maybe its time I really start working on me.. Kinda be a me 2.0
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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OK, not a fair question to ask. Just wanted to let you know that you are special and you have a place in my heart.
You are still young, and you will find a woman deserving of you. If I was in your age bracket, which I am not, I would be all over you. You have what it takes to have a mature r/s.
You are special because you have empathy, compassion, and maturity.
You are still young, and you will find a woman deserving of you. If I was in your age bracket, which I am not, I would be all over you. You have what it takes to have a mature r/s.
You are special because you have empathy, compassion, and maturity.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Well it seems females in my age bracket have a lack of interest in me. I have sent 1000 emails on dating sites before and only got a couple no thank yous.
It seems my area (pittsburgh ) women are focusing on all the wrong qualities in men.
I see allot of must be: in their profiles like 6'2". , if you live with mommy and daddy don't bother, if you don't have a degree go away, if you don't work out move along ... Crazy stuff that as a guy I would never expect from a girlfriend. Picky picky picky
No more dating sites for this guy!! Ever!
It seems my area (pittsburgh ) women are focusing on all the wrong qualities in men.
I see allot of must be: in their profiles like 6'2". , if you live with mommy and daddy don't bother, if you don't have a degree go away, if you don't work out move along ... Crazy stuff that as a guy I would never expect from a girlfriend. Picky picky picky
No more dating sites for this guy!! Ever!
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