Dojang

I have been in here a few months & it has really helped. He relapsed & cheated 2.5 weeks ago. It has been awful. I have blocked him, but we work for the same county & he can still email me through work. Today has been very hard. He's still trying to cling to me because we are both codependent. I miss the good side of him. But that good side disappeared. I feel so lonely, but I will NOT give in to this. It will only bring short term comfort & long term pain. I'm working hard on my recovery. I know I can't be with him ever again. But I still love who he was. I don't even like the person he's become.

Dojang

I have thrown up & lost 6 lbs, which isn't good when I started at 102. I did go to martial arts today & got hurt. I have discovered when I'm depressed, I get physically hurt much easier. I need to get back on track. Belt testing in 10 days, assuming my rib is healed by then

exparatrooper

My ex's entire family are alcoholics and rich at that.. they chipped away at me because i have had a hard time finding a job.. i just graduated with my BS degree in june but was with my ex the entire time i was in college... her family could care less that i served in the armed forces for 8 years and had a 80k a year job before i lost it due to the economy.. they belittled me all the time and made me feel worthless just like their daughter did... constantly blamed me for her drinking all the time then when my ex would drink and not go to work her mother would call and leave me nasty voicemails cussing me out like my ex not going to work was somehow my fault!!! Heck we didnt even need to fight sometimes and i would wake up to her not in bed and out on the couch wasted and her mother calling to ream me out as to why her daughter isnt at work...

I feel your pain and in understand... in my case i had her entire family blaming me and using me as the scapegoat this last time along with my ex cussing at me and calling me names and the ONLY thing i did was quietly walk out the door while she was passed out on the couch drunk again for the millionth time.. i got one last nasty voicemail from her mother and on me and my ex's anniversary her mother texted me one last time to drive the knife in a little further and said "WE do not want YOU IN OUR FAMILY"

exparatrooper

My situation seems a bit different than most... My alcoholic is not begging to get me back.. infact in the beginning it was the opposite of that I was begging her and she wasnt budging... little did i know at the time that 2 days after i left.. which was my birthday of all days for her to get wasted again... she already was talking to her new next guy...

So she has not bothered to contact me at all no texts no emails for over 2 weeks now and something tells me that i am not going to hear from her.. so in my case my A is not yet begging to get me back... i think allot of it is her family.. they most likely threatened to take her shiny brand new car away from her that they bought her right after rehab if they found out she was talking to me since i am such a terrible person and treated her so badly that i drove her to drink... how does another human being force another human being to drink... without using force.... beyond me but apparently thats what they think.. so in my case i do not think i will ever hear from her again.. she wanted rid of me and that is exactly what she got. leaving me with mounds of debt while shes off running around with a new guy since 2 days after i walked out.... engagement ring most likely still sitting on the coffee table.

Dojang

You don't deserve that. Nobody does. You worked hard to build a future. No one can take that away from you. I have my masters, a divorce behind me & a beautiful daughter. So I'm obviously a bit older, and wasn't financially tied to him. So I don't have that to deal with. You can always make more money. However she should have returned the ring. But it might be best to cut your losses on that so you don't have to deal with her. Let her parents clean up her mess. And they will have to. She can't take care of herself.

exparatrooper

Your exactly right... we dated for 2.5 years before i moved in.. i wanted to take it slow and do it right this time... stuff did not start to fall apart until after i moved in... finding bottles etc. the fights over the drinking, her drinking in the morning before driving to work... i was supposed to look the other way and not make any waves... i called her on her crap and she got tired of it.. and just found someone else who has no clue what went on the past 3 years.

I have been on several job interviews and was offered on job.. the one job i was offered paid 6 figures but the area was very very high cost of living and 13 hours from our families... with her drinking problem and the high cost of living i chose to turn it down.. of course her family tore me a new butt for turning down work and they never let me live it down.. my ex would go on binges for days at a time sometimes almost a week.. she wouldnt eat she wouldnt take her medicine she would just lay on the couch and drink and drink.. when she ran out she sobered up enough to drive to the liquor store and buy more then it would go till her mother came and got in a fight with her.. then she would sober up.. this last binge after i left that didnt happen they had to put her in the hospital then threw her in rehab and threw me out... i still have stuff there that i may never get back at this point. oh well...

addiction is the cruelest most cunning heartless thing i have ever encountered.

After i moved in i figured out that she most likely has never been to the grocery store by herself... ever. She doesn't know how to clean ... i purchased a steam cleaner and steam cleaned her entire apartment.. scrubbed her kitchen and bathroom on my hands and knees because she has no mop thats worth using.. her vacuum is broken and the part i looked up online costs 20 dollars and i refused to pay for it on purpose i wanted to see how long she waited and let her apartment go un vacuumed ... the point is the vacuum is still broke.. because that 20 dollars is worth more spent at the liquor store.. so we all know it has been months since she has vacuumed the carpet.

i spring cleaned for her one day while she was at work... i threw out 7 bags of trash and cleaned the entire apartment... I would start her car in the winter and clean off the snow.. i would drive her to the gas station in the morning and fill up her tank when it was cold out.. i would put air in her tires when they were low and fill her washer fluid, make sure her wiper blades were serviceable and free of ice... if it was really bad i would drive her to and from work... she needed new tires on her car and her parents rich as they were wouldn't help her so i used my military disability money to pay for new tires for her car and i made sure she got good ones that were good in the snow through reading hundreds of reviews on tire rack before i made the purchase... i learned to cook while i was in the army so i cooked all the time.... roast beef in the crock pot with real mashed potatoes and gravy... broccoli etc.. baked chicken with spaghetti ... you name it i cooked it for her.. i even had several candle light dinners waiting for her when she got home from work... i personally delivered an 80 dollar vase of roses last valentines day then gave her a nice watch as a gift that night at dinner... i could go on for hours...

and all of this she could care less about... alcohol is more important.

I guess im the moron....

Dojang

Yep, I'm the moron too. Alcohol will always come first. I was so good to him, thinking he would see that. But he never did. Because vodka is his true love.

exparatrooper

when i first met my ex that is all she drank.. vodka.. then she switched to southern comfort i guess thinking it was vodkas fault she is an alcoholic. I have found captain morgan and a couple other rum brands i have never heard of before... she hid them in places you wouldnt think of.. she also hid glasses filled with liquor behind clean glasses in the cupboard... most likely thinking im checking the level in the bottles in the freezer so i wont notice the level any lower the next morning... she found out im not as stupid as she thinks because i dumped out the glass and she never said a word to me about it... of course

exparatrooper

It is the nature of addiction to exploit ANY and ALL circumstances to fit the addictive mandate, so as to protect the consistent supply of Alcohol and to continue drinking. As long as one remains a victim of circumstances, then one is not responsible for quitting, and their burden can be passed on to others.

amy55

Hey trooper, how are you doing now? I noticed when you replied to Dojang, that you said something like you didn't think that you would be able to reply and help someone else. Wanted you to know that all of your posts have helped someone else.

It's the giving and sharing and caring here that helps so much.

exparatrooper

What I hate are the dreams I have been having. I never remembered my dreams in the past but this time I dream horrible things about her and her new man. I wake up soaked from sweating and my heart racing. Happens several days a week. Just happened again that's why I was awake and decided to post. I hate it so much because I have no way of knowing if there is a man laying beside her right now but the thought of it just cripples me. Because she caused this entire situation, yet she's to blind to see it. She purchased that last bottle and hid it in her purse. If she had not more than likely I'd still be with her. I'm sure that would not be a good thing because I know she will never stop she doesn't think she has a problem. I have no idea if she's drinking again but I don't see how just 3 weeks of rehab is going to solve anything. She lied through her teeth blaming me that our relationship was terrible which drove her to drink. Which isn't the case she drank when I first met her I just did not know how much she drank until years later she is an expert at hiding it.

Slothy

I am in the same boat as you!!! In reading your posts, you have pretty much summed up the range of emotions one goes through in the ending of a relationship with an alcoholic. Im devastated he moved on, feel hopeless and LONLEY , feel like he robbed me of all my self worth with his lies and unkind acts! Then I have moments of clarity.....the hurt I feel now is probably only a fraction of what it would be if I continued on in the relationship!!

It sounds like you too have moments of clarity and I hope we both find peace in all of this! I want to thank you, because your honest raw feeling give me some solace. Maybe we can muddle through the healing together

exparatrooper

I just got the point where I'm no longer embarrassed with my feelings anymore. I loved her so much, she constantly pushed me away. I couldn't even cuddle on the couch during a movie because she was "too hot" all the time then had the nerve to blame lack of intamacy on me! She would never ever initiate intamacy but It was thrown in my face when it wasn't enough for her. I realize now the weight of the entire relationship was placed on my shoulders plus the emotional destruction of the hiding bottles and lying to my face, her drinking before work and the anxiety I had worrying if today is the day she gets in an accident and is killed. She put me through a living hell then blamed it all on me.

exparatrooper

Part of me still wants her to call, this all feels like a bad dream.
The other part of me thinks she will never call, she was already talking to a new guy 2 days after I walked out due to frustration. I figured she'd text me like always and beg me to come back. This time that never happened, she went and found someone else. I was trying to make a point to her, she got wasted on my birthday and she could of Cared less. So I slept on my mothers couch because I was upset. This time she told me off and told me to stay gone. Never apologizing for hiding the bottle and getting drunk when she should have been spending the evening with me.

I haven't heard from her in 2 weeks. I guess I have to make my goal 3 weeks, then 4, just keep pushing forward I know I deserve to be treated better, way better.
In 3.5 years she only ever bought me 2 bottles of cologne and a birthday cake. That was it. Not even a card on Valentine's day.
Took me 2 years to pay for her ring with my veterans disability benefits and she can't even return it to me.

exparatrooper

I think she is a girl who uses her relationships to make her happy, buy her drinks and drive her to the bar. She uses you until you are all used up never apologizing for anything and blaming all of the problems in the relationship on you. Once your all used up and she thinks you had enough she tosses you out like week old trash goes and finds a replacement right away while your left picking up the pieces of your devastated life, and she feels no remorse whatsoever. It didn't matter to her that we were engaged it didn't matter we spent close to 4 years together.

exparatrooper

I too have lost like 15 lbs from this, can't sleep, can't eat.
She drove me to needing counseling and going to ALANON and it doesn't phase her one bit.

Dojang

I am also in counseling & it is helping. What comforts me is knowing that he is emotionally damaged, as am I. But he is drinking & filling his time with any woman that will have him (which kills me), but I am working on myself. In the long run, I will be a much healthier, happy person, while he will continue with empty relationships. It hurts beyond words that he doesn't care about the pain he has caused me. But I believe the pain I am in and the work I am doing, will change my life for the better.

exparatrooper

Today has been yet another rough day.. I keep thinking about what could i have done better. I look back and now i see myself withdrawn and distant... thinking things like i should have hugged her more or told her i loved her more.. i remember times and places that i thought about doing those things but didnt... I think the disgust about the lying and drinking was so overwhelming that i was just in a state of existence hoping for things to get better even though at the time we were together i dont think i realized we were even together... i felt like she loved the bottle more than me and i was always waiting for something to happen again like it always did... so why should i go the extra mile for someone and give them a huge hug, kiss and tell them i love them when the very next day she could be on the couch drunk again for no reason at all... i hate feeling guilty like this... looking back i know i could have done better... but so could she.. she could have held my hand, she could have given me a huge hug and told me she was sorry for what her drinking was doing to our relationship and that she wanted my help and that she wanted to get help because she did not want her drinking to end our relationship....

What i got was all the blame... it was all my fault our relationship was over... and the drinking was never discussed... ever... all of the bottles... well over 20 plus that i had found never came up in conversation... she never apologized for drinking on my birthday... i am not saying i am perfect but i never lied to her, i never looked at another woman.. i wanted so badly for things to work out for us... i held out hope as long as i could... why do i feel guilty

exparatrooper

"The End Of Heartache"

Seek me, call me
I'll be waiting

This distance, this dissolution
I cling to memories while falling
Sleep brings release, and the hope of a new day
Waking the misery of being without you

Surrender, I give in
Another moment is another eternity

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

You know me, you know me all too well
My only desire - to bridge our division

In sorrow I speak your name
And my voice mirrors my torment

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

Am I breathing?
My strength fails me
Your picture, a bitter memory

For comfort, for solace
(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiDnB-CrrNs



"IN SORROW.... I SPEAK YOUR NAME.... AND MY VOICE MIRRORS.... MIRRORS MY TORMENT"

SparkleKitty

My friend, all you are guilty of is wanting more from this relationship than she is capable of giving. She is sick; as difficult as it is not to take her actions and behaviors and choices personally, they don't have anything to do with you. The more time you allow her to live rent-free in your head, the less time you have to give yourself. Sending you strength, courage, and patience.