CarmenLove

My XAH would go for a dog walk... for 5 hours!!!!

Also, it always amazed me how many petrol stations in our area could be closed at one time!

It actually feels better to laugh about this than cry doesn't it!

CarmenLove

Oh, and also 'the dog' was sick on the floor apparently! Hmmmm.

strtngover

Bump for more!!!!

firebolt

"I wouldn't be drunk right now if I'd had known you were going to come home early!"

Hehe, man, it just makes you want to pat them on the head, and give their hair a little ruffle.

ladyscribbler

My ex once blamed the dog for crapping in his pants. That he was wearing at the time. And of course all the vomit and urine always belonged to one of the animals.

Refiner

POOR PETS! They probably just look at him and go "Dude... WE wouldn't even do THAT!" lol.

Hangnbyathread

OMG. I come back to this thread just to crack some laughs. OK I admit I had some quacking stuff from my ex. But this stuff....makes me howl.

At some level, they have one thing in common. They actually talk themselves into thinking we will believe it.

You people could go on tour or do a Comedy Central show like TRU TV does.

mnh1982

Guys. Guys, guys.

My exAH disappeared for an entire week and a half, so I reported him as a Missing Person to local police.

When he finally resurfaced, I called the officer in charge of his case, who told me...
True story...

The only person who can cancel a Missing Persons bulletin besides the cops is the missing person themselves.

So exAH had to CALL THE POLICE DISPATCH LINE AND REPORT HIMSELF AS "FOUND".


BAAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHA.

Wisconsin

Oooo boy, I have a new one. We live in a side-by-side duplex in a not-so-great area. Many of the people in the neighborhood cause a lot of trouble, but the family who lives in the other half of our duplex are wonderful, lovely folks. I have become very good friends with the wife, friends with the husband, and their four boys (ages 19, 17, 11 and 7) are delights.

We do a lot of favors for each other, and give each other appreciative "thank you" cards and notes. There is an ongoing joke about how her husband works as many hours, if not more, than my husband, but her husband does all the grass cutting, all the snow shoveling, etc. Not surprisingly, AH comes home from work and sits on the couch, drinking.

They brought over a card and some homemade fudge for me tonight. AH answered the door because I was upstairs. He brought it up to me and grumbled "I don't know why I never get anything from them!"

Uh...because you put no effort into maintaining a friendship with them, you do nothing to help them, and they have seen you behave like a total a$$ on multiple occasions.

QUACK QUACK QUACK

gingerbread81

Sorry if this is long but I wanted to add…My XA is 34 years old and has blown glass on and off since he was 16 (he has never really had a real job for more than a few months although he is in the union). He always told me that glass blowing is his passion and he is going to make a million dollars from it. He also claimed that during the 8 years we were together that I kept his from his passion and I am the reason he has no money, no home, etc. Well, the truth is, is that the entire 8 years he did blow glass….he NEVER made any money because blowing glass was actually an excuse to get drunk, cheat, and hang out with friends all day to boost his ego and think he is cool. He would leave at noon and come back at 3 am (drunk out of his mind) saying he was blowing glass the entire time (okay I believe that!). He either never finished his work or gave it away for free so people like him.

Well, we have been split up (again) for a few months and he called me the other day to tell me how I ruined his life by controlling him and blah blah blah. He then said that he is going to get his felonies expunged (lie) and move to Italy to blow glass for 2 years (this guy also has 2 kids) and there is nothing I can do about it. He then went on to say that I am the reason he never succeeded. I asked him if he has blown glass in the past few months we have been apart (and NO CONTACT) and he went blank. He then said, “No”. And I asked why. He said, “because I am worried about you that’s why!”. But again, here is the reality; this guy basically dumped me in a horrible way to get drunk and to have sex with random women at the bar (which he denies, but he hangs out in the bar that my good friend OWNS EVERY DAY). And he actually has the nerve to say that I would be upset at him doing his passion, but not getting drunk ALL DAY and screwing any girl that gives him attention. Then he sends me text telling me he loves me! WTF

gingerbread81

Also, he used to hide beer and whiskey in random places outside especially when he claimed to be attending AA (like I didn’t know) and he would take the dog out to use the bathroom about 8 times from 7pm-1am. I would tell him the dog is fine and he would always be like, “he needs to go to the bathroom Amanda, geez or he loves being outside”. It got to the point where he would whistle at my dog (who is usually very excited when anyone whistles at him) and my dog would just lay there with this funny look on his face. XA would start encouraging him to come outside and my dog wasn’t having it. LOL. So then he had to find another excuse keep going outside to drink.

ladyscribbler

Smart dog. That totally reminds me, my ex once came in from "walking the dog"- he made a HUGE deal about it- with an empty leash. The dog had been inside the whole time, sleeping right next to me on the couch when my ex came staggering in, dragging the empty leash, ranting about how the "dog" took forever to poo and that's why he was gone so long. The 30 rack of beer stashed under the back porch had NOTHING to do with it. It was all the invisible dog and his invisible dookies.

gingerbread81

I like reading this thread....it helps me focus on my own recovery and keeps reminding me what BS came out of my XA's mouth. I argued with him for a long time when he was quacking...trying to get him to see reality and trying to get him to understand what he was saying didn't even make sense... I know now it's pointless. My XA will say whatever is best at that time to defend his lifestyle, his behaviors, and his addiction. He will say anything to deflect accountability away from him.
Some of these things I am reading are so funny, but at the same time so sad. It's funny because they say things that are so out there and to them it sounds good. But it's sad that our alcoholics (that we love(d)) sink so low that they have to live in this false reality and make people that LOVE them think they are crazy so they can continue on living like they do.

lucybb

Even knowing my STBXAH is full of it and making stuff up, it is still horrible and distressing when he spews it when we meet with the lawyers - because they don't know and believe him. In addition to denying he has a drinking problem, he said I am a hyperactive parent who forces too many activities on DS - when he did NOTHING with DS all these years. It's like living with a venomous snake - you know they will bite (quack) but it's still a sickening shock when they do it in front of others and say this stuff like they really believe it themselves.

SadInTX

Some recent ones for me..my AH got arrested fo r DWI two weeks ago. As soon as he walked out of the jail he told me, "I was drugged. Someone put something in my drink...I only had three margaritas." He blacked out and doesn't remember all the shots that he had after those three margaritas...He even tried to file a police report, but with no evidence they couldn't do anything...he blamed the police officer for being too young with hardly any experience...
After one week of being sober he ended up getting drunk and drove again...but he doesn't have a problem...Quack!!!

FeelingGreat

Well he had enough experience to know quacking when he heard it, lol.

Understand

AH ... Darling we are low on milk I better go get some for the morning
Me..There's plenty love
AH no we need some.
Me ...........
AH comes back with beer no milk

AH.... I wouldnt drink so much if you didn't notice how much I drank!

AH ........ I drink less when your not telling me off about drinking!!

AH .....(after 3 rum and cokes) which were not his.
I've done so well today. I drove home without stopping to get beer.
I didn't even feel like drinking.
Me yes but you have taken those rums from the fridge,
AH ... Well yes they've bern there for ages.
Me .. Yes but you said you didn't even feel like drinking
AH ... Yes I know that really good isn't it..
Me ... But you've been drinking.

.????

Understand

Hahahaha
AH
I'm not that bad I only drink beer it's mainly water it flushes itself through! Those spirit drinkers are much worse.
He says as he's drinking his EMERGENCY bottle of port.
Most people buy candles and batteries for emergencys not bloody port.
And it seems the emergency that requires the port is its Tuesday afternoon!

PuzzledinTX

These gave me a good chuckle, which is sorely needed when you're coping with A's. Here are a few:

"If my house were straightened up, I wouldn't drink". (Said by a slob who doesn't even make beds, as far as I know - not a household member).

"I took a couple of Benadryl earlier and that's why I'm drowsy". (Um, and that explains the vodka smell how?)

"Well, it's not like I drink every day" (The last I checked, you can go on binges and still be an A).

"I like to be with my brothers in arms" (Said by a Vietnam vet family member who hangs out with other A vets - whom he didn't actually serve with)

"That smell is just muscle rub ( or mints, or mouthwash)" (PUH-LEESE....none of those things make you act like a space cadet)

"What I had for wine was only about 2 1/2 glasses" (Said after downing an ENTIRE 750 ML bottle)

"I'm trying to lose weight, so I'm cutting out the wine" (Promptly has 2 glasses at diner)

Two bonus quacks from recovering As who have swapped their drinking problems for gambling and binge eating:

"I don't gamble every day or gamble grocery money, so I don't have a problem" (Yeah, and you've only practically left your family homeless twice over your spending).

"If I got to travel, I'd be more careful about my diet and exercise habits" (As we Texans say, bull____)

firebolt

Oy, good one this weekend. Spent the day picking morel mushrooms - found tons! So fun! Came home, cleaned, cooked, and shared a plate of them.

ABF had been drinking, so I did my usual retreat to my book in another room.

He came in and said, we accidentally picked a 'magic' mushroom and ate it with the morels because the floor was doing "wavy things." I said hmm.....we ate the same bowl of mushrooms and I feel fine. He Insisted that there was a drug mushroom in the mix and it made him just a mess. I took the opportunity to suggest he sleep in the spare bedroom in case his trip turns really bad.

Trying to laugh about it all, but honestly, it is just getting so sad.