Chandni

Hi.
I was wondering if anyone here has divorced an undiagnosed narcissist in the past and how did you deal with the PTSD and self blame that comes with it ?
I was married to one. He was the nicest guy who would travel between two states every 2 weeks to come see me while I was in school and do the kindest of things for me. Once I got done with school and moved in, things slowly started to change especially as soon as I started questioning his drinking habits. It was verbal abuse after that. I was low on self esteem , had nowhere to turn to, was financially not in a situation to go anywhere .. so I saw the Jekyll and Hyde unfold in front of my eyes a lot. I was threatened to be thrown out of the house or the car taken away everytime I decided to not communicate with him after his binge drinking episodes . I did have a conversation with him about it after 1-2 weeks once my anger had subsided. I was gaslighted a lot about my weight and my looks and my skin color. Just subtle comparisons with other people to show me down. He eventually wanted the financial control and control over every minute of my life so that I could keep
Serving his needs. I could not go anywhere or meet anyone without him sulking about it.
Anyway I escaped one day when o could and my divorce is a mess. I have some proof of his cruelty but anyone who knows abuse know how abusers function behind closed doors. He has blamed me for using him for his money and status (even though he was nowhere near where he is today in his career 5 years ago when I married him).
All those abusive times and things have left a huge scar on me. It keeps playing in my head like a recording. I still miss him and my dog and just the familiarity of the whole marriage and place and everything. I am having a hard time moving on emotionally but the more I gain back my self esteem, the better it gets .
Has anyone gone through a divorce with a narcissist ? How did it play out? We have no kids

Eauchiche

SO sorry you are going through this. Thank God you have no kids. I had to leave my dog with my ex as well. She was well cared for until she died a year ago. I have noticed that those addicts often bond with animals better than humans. My ex isn't really much of a Narcissist, but I believe addicts are narcissistic by nature because of the selfish nature of addictions.

I was attracted to Narcissists until my own recovery got underway. Now I cant stand them. I have come to regard them as an animal with REALLY big teeth, and a REALLY thin skin.

I am glad you have come here among us.

theuncertainty

Hi, Chandni. I'm glad you're reaching out for support, but so sorry that you have to deal with this.

I'm not sure if AXH would be diagnosed as narcissistic, but he was abusive, and even if he wasn't a narcissist, I see a lot of similarities when I read up on the subject, and with what you've shared about your STBXAH. Please don't get down on yourself for staying. Abusers are really good at finding the million little ways that work to keep their partners engaged in the relationship. That you've been able to break away is a huge start to healing.

I have, and do from time to time still, work with a counselor to deal with some of the effects. Especially at first, she was a massive help in learning how to recognize the things that triggered me into a panic or funk, and ways to deal with that. I think what helped me most was learning to recognize when that voice in my head (telling me I shouldn't even bother to try, or how stupid, or...) was still *him* and not the way anything actually was.

If counseling isn't an option for you right now, maybe you would feel safe enough to contact the local DV resource? Or the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.7233 or thehotline.org. They have services available, and could possibly point you towards low cost counseling, support groups, etc.

And if as you read what I just wrote you told yourself that you wouldn't qualify for help through DV resources... from this side of the screen what you've shared about his behavior sounds controlling and abusive. Verbal and financial abuse are still abuse. I didn't want to qualify AXH as abusive. In my mind, it wasn't *that bad*. I honestly didn't think that when I called the local shelter that they'd work with me. I thought the DV intake staff would laugh at me and tell me that I didn't have it so bad. (They didn't and I worked with their office, their support groups, as well as my counselor to keep taking the next steps I needed to take.)

Getting away and starting to heal was hard and emotionally draining. It was hard to get back on my feet financially. BUT. It was worth it. We had a son together, so for a couple years, I still had to see and deal with him on a weekly basis. (Working with a counselor helped on that front so much!)

The divorce was difficult, too. With AXH, though, he totally thought that what he did was his right to do. He'd object to saying he was abusive, but then would describe how I *made* him get angry and do x, y, z. Or he would agree that, yes, that fight happened, "but she was yelling, too." Luckily, the court saw through the denials.