Blogs


Notices

My therapist things AH probably cheated

Old 10-18-2013, 04:01 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
lizatola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
My therapist things AH probably cheated

Nothing has changed in my life since my last set of threads started here. I am working a strong Al Anon program, getting some financial footing going, sorting through things around the house, and really putting a lot of effort in to homeschooling our son. Basically, I'm keeping busy.

AH has been traveling a lot and that's fine with me. He's going on a work sales reward trip to St Thomas next week and, like last year, I turned him down so he's going alone. I hate missing this trip but it would cost me my own emotional well-being and self-respect if I went so I chose to stay home. Anyway, my therapist thinks he most likely has cheated. Honestly, I have no reason to think that, I don't snoop anymore, and I have seen no weird things when it comes to him as it's just the same old same old attitudes and behaviors. Yet, her statement got me thinking. One thing she did say was that she didn't think he was capable of having a long term affair and that if he did cheat it was probably along the lines of the one night stand type stuff. Is it weird that I've never given this much thought? He's the one who has repeatedly accused me of cheating, too, of course! Am I really that naive or is my therapist off base? Honestly, I've been thinking of finding a new therapist since she's dropping my insurance soon anyway, but I have been contemplating what she had to say. Thoughts?
lizatola is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to lizatola For This Useful Post:
Hammer (10-18-2013), Regretter (10-18-2013)
Old 10-18-2013, 04:07 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,712
Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
He's the one who has repeatedly accused me of cheating, too, of course!
In this realm, that is often the clue.

Just saying.
Hammer is offline  
The Following 15 Users Say Thank You to Hammer For This Useful Post:
bluebelle (10-19-2013), Carlotta (10-18-2013), Fathom (10-18-2013), firebolt (10-18-2013), FireSprite (10-19-2013), hadenoughnow (10-20-2013), LightInside (10-20-2013), LoveMeNow (10-18-2013), Lulu39 (10-18-2013), NeedSomeHappy (10-18-2013), NoelleR (10-19-2013), NWGRITS (10-18-2013), overit263 (10-20-2013), Sueski (10-19-2013), Tuffgirl (10-18-2013)
Old 10-18-2013, 04:09 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
foolsgold66's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
In any realm. Transference, assuming he has no actual reason to suspect.
foolsgold66 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to foolsgold66 For This Useful Post:
LightInside (10-20-2013)
Old 10-18-2013, 04:24 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 15,292
Liz, I have often wondered this--based on some things that you have said in your posts. Especially, the repeated accusations toward you in this regard. And other things, also.

You sound alike you might be very angry at her for suggesting this possibility?

Would it matter to you if he had/has? I think this is what is important, here.

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to dandylion For This Useful Post:
firebolt (10-18-2013), FireSprite (10-19-2013), LightInside (10-20-2013)
Old 10-18-2013, 04:38 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Not angry just direct
 
Regretter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: England
Posts: 257
Hey liz,

May I ask, on what ground(s) does your therapist qualify her claim? Does she know your hubby personally or have an inside track to his activities, or is this just her speculating based on nothing?

Incidentally, I've accused my wife of cheating (because I'm 99.9% certain she had) but I've never cheated on anyone. I don't think correlation automatically implies causation.

Regretter is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Regretter For This Useful Post:
changeneeded (10-19-2013), ichabod (10-18-2013)
Old 10-18-2013, 05:06 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
lizatola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I guess I am sort of angry at her, in some ways, because there is truly no physical proof of it. It's all assumptions and I don't like that. Honestly, it wouldn't matter if he did or didn't, this is more about how I feel about what she said and if it reveals something about my therapist and our relationship at this point.

AH and I had an interesting conversation the other day while in the car, with our 14 year old in the backseat. He asked about my sister and I told him she had a new boyfriend. He asked, "Are they having sex yet?" Gee, he goes right for it, you know? I answered that I didn't know and that it wasn't any of my business. He then asked how long they had been dating and I told him about 6 weeks. We talked a bit about my sister's issues and I wondered aloud why this guy is with her (she has an eating disorder brought on by anxiety from her STBX's behavior and cheating and is down to 98 pounds and has 2 special needs kids, no job, and she lives in a friend's basement) and my AH responded, "Well the only reason a guy sticks around is if he's getting sex. Plain and simple. Men don't stick around in relationships unless they're getting it."

And, my response....in my head, of course, was, "Then what the heck are you doing still married to me? LOL!"

And, yes, I had to talk to my 14 year old later in the day about relationships, about forming your own opinions, about turning to wise adults for counsel on relationships, etc and that you don't have to believe everything that someone says and that includes dad, me, or anybody else for that matter. I encouraged him to seek out his own truths when he's ready for relationships. So hard to have these kinds of talks with teen boys, but we got through it, thankfully.
lizatola is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to lizatola For This Useful Post:
LifeRecovery (10-18-2013), Regretter (10-18-2013)
Old 10-18-2013, 05:10 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
choublak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,666
Your husband acts like a 14-year-old.
choublak is offline  
The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to choublak For This Useful Post:
hadenoughnow (10-20-2013), kudzujean (10-19-2013), LightInside (10-20-2013), Lulu39 (10-18-2013), NoelleR (10-19-2013), PippiLngstockng (10-19-2013), readerbaby71 (10-20-2013), Regretter (10-18-2013), stella27 (10-19-2013), Sueski (10-19-2013), Upsetnneedhelp (10-19-2013)
Old 10-18-2013, 05:12 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Not angry just direct
 
Regretter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: England
Posts: 257
Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I guess I am sort of angry at her, in some ways, because there is truly no physical proof of it. It's all assumptions and I don't like that.
Hmm.. that would be ringing my alarm bells right away. Doesn't sound very professional at all.


"Well the only reason a guy sticks around is if he's getting sex. Plain and simple. Men don't stick around in relationships unless they're getting it."
Which simply is not true of all men or all women.


Either way you come across like you're holding it together well in yourself.


Regretter is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Regretter For This Useful Post:
LightInside (10-20-2013), lizatola (10-18-2013), readerbaby71 (10-20-2013)
Old 10-18-2013, 05:21 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,590
that was an entirely inappropriate conversation to have in front of a 14 yr oldl!!!! wrong on so many levels.

regarding the therapist, to accuse your husband of cheating IN your therapy session crosses a line, in my book. and then to take it even further and tell what TYPE of cheater she thinks he is? how is that helpful or therapeutic??? hard to believe that after this length of time in therapy, the conversation is stlll about..........HIM.
AnvilheadII is offline  
The Following 17 Users Say Thank You to AnvilheadII For This Useful Post:
bluebelle (10-19-2013), BtheChange (10-18-2013), ErinGoBragh (10-20-2013), FireSprite (10-19-2013), kudzujean (10-19-2013), LightInside (10-20-2013), lizatola (10-18-2013), LoveMeNow (10-18-2013), marie1960 (10-18-2013), MissFixit (10-18-2013), Regretter (10-18-2013), Saneinsight (10-18-2013), soberhawk (10-19-2013), stella27 (10-19-2013), Sueski (10-19-2013), suki44883 (10-18-2013), Tuffgirl (10-18-2013)
Old 10-18-2013, 05:37 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Ruby2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Unless you directly asked your therapist if she thought your husband cheated, or somehow had indicated you thought he did, in my opinion this crosses the line in therapy for her to tell you as much. Did she say "I think he is cheating" or did she phrase it as a question. "He accuses you of cheating. Do you think he might perhaps be cheating?" Even so, it would make me uncomfortable.

For what it is worth, my husband used to constantly accuse me of lying to him or cheating on him. With the icky neighbor across the street, with his crack dealer, with random anonymous people. I wasn't and just yuck. I don't think he was cheating either. Crack makes you paranoid and because I really didn't feel like getting intimate when he was drunk and/or high, I must be getting some somewhere. At least that is what his brain was telling him.

Hang in there.
Ruby2 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Ruby2 For This Useful Post:
LightInside (10-20-2013)
Old 10-18-2013, 05:41 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
lizatola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
that was an entirely inappropriate conversation to have in front of a 14 yr oldl!!!! wrong on so many levels.

regarding the therapist, to accuse your husband of cheating IN your therapy session crosses a line, in my book. and then to take it even further and tell what TYPE of cheater she thinks he is? how is that helpful or therapeutic??? hard to believe that after this length of time in therapy, the conversation is stlll about..........HIM.
Yes and that is why I think it's time I found another therapist. I honestly was talking about me at the time and then about what I was doing with my son and how school was going and then I brought up this conversation and it somehow led to the 'AH went outside of the marriage' thing. Anyway, there have been other issues with this therapist that have kind of raised a red flag. I honestly feel that I'm doing much better in getting counsel from my Al Anon friends and sponsor.

And, YES!!! Entirely inappropriate conversation to have in front of a child. It took all of my effort to NOT go off on him about it while we were in the car because that would have made it worse for our son at that point.
lizatola is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to lizatola For This Useful Post:
bluebelle (10-19-2013), LightInside (10-20-2013)
Old 10-18-2013, 05:42 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,571
((Hugs)) Lizatola...I tend to agree that it seems unprofessional for your therapist to speculate about something like that. You're doing so great in your recovery, and I can see why this rubbed you the wrong way.
Wisconsin is offline  
Old 10-18-2013, 05:48 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,712
Rough thing on all the drama(s) -- they take you, me, us off course and off target.

Little nerd reference, here >>>



STAY ON TARGET!


Hammer is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Hammer For This Useful Post:
bluebelle (10-19-2013), dandylion (10-18-2013), Saneinsight (10-18-2013), yoohoo (10-20-2013)
Old 10-19-2013, 01:33 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: RhodeIsland
Posts: 175
Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I guess I am sort of angry at her, in some ways, because there is truly no physical proof of it. It's all assumptions and I don't like that. Honestly, it wouldn't matter if he did or didn't, this is more about how I feel about what she said and if it reveals something about my therapist and our relationship at this point.

AH and I had an interesting conversation the other day while in the car, with our 14 year old in the backseat. He asked about my sister and I told him she had a new boyfriend. He asked, "Are they having sex yet?" Gee, he goes right for it, you know? I answered that I didn't know and that it wasn't any of my business. He then asked how long they had been dating and I told him about 6 weeks. We talked a bit about my sister's issues and I wondered aloud why this guy is with her (she has an eating disorder brought on by anxiety from her STBX's behavior and cheating and is down to 98 pounds and has 2 special needs kids, no job, and she lives in a friend's basement) and my AH responded, "Well the only reason a guy sticks around is if he's getting sex. Plain and simple. Men don't stick around in relationships unless they're getting it."

And, my response....in my head, of course, was, "Then what the heck are you doing still married to me? LOL!"

And, yes, I had to talk to my 14 year old later in the day about relationships, about forming your own opinions, about turning to wise adults for counsel on relationships, etc and that you don't have to believe everything that someone says and that includes dad, me, or anybody else for that matter. I encouraged him to seek out his own truths when he's ready for relationships. So hard to have these kinds of talks with teen boys, but we got through it, thankfully.
Attitude like that, and telling that to a wife? heh, he's spelling it out: Put out or I'll cheat / continue to cheat
RhodeIsland is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to RhodeIsland For This Useful Post:
kudzujean (10-19-2013), LightInside (10-20-2013), Lulu39 (10-19-2013), MissFixit (10-19-2013)
Old 10-19-2013, 03:17 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Liz it does seem that all your husband wants from you is for you to put out. You've made it clear that you are not going to. I'd call that a stalemate.

What are you getting from him and what he is getting from you that makes the two of you tolerate this marriage?

He sounds like a most distasteful, unpleasant man. The cons on your pros and cons list must be rolling off the page by now.

Do you really want this man spouting his misogynistic CRAP in front of your son? The kid already has enough hurdles in his life without the crap your husband puts you and the kid through.

Your boy deserves BETTER than this and so do you.
Lulu39 is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to Lulu39 For This Useful Post:
kudzujean (10-19-2013), LightInside (10-20-2013), lolitalola (10-21-2013), LoveMeNow (10-19-2013), MissFixit (10-19-2013), PippiLngstockng (10-19-2013), readerbaby71 (10-20-2013), RhodeIsland (10-19-2013), SnoozyQ (10-19-2013)
Old 10-19-2013, 03:45 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
SnoozyQ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 10,506
I totally agree with Lulu

Also your counsellors comments are totally inappropriate alluding to your husbands actions.
Even though he does sound like a misogynistic arse.

Bringing up that conversation about your sister in front of your 14 year old is a disgrace.
Teenagers have enough on their plates without listening to parental verbal diarreah .

I feel there is almost a sumliminal threat in your husbands comment ( no man will stick around if he doesnt get it ) knowing full well you are not putting out.

Maybe He needs to go to therapy in regards to being a nicer human being ( which I'm sure he was when you married him)


Better still go together or get out .

Good luck , i hope you find peace soon xx
SnoozyQ is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to SnoozyQ For This Useful Post:
LightInside (10-20-2013), MissFixit (10-19-2013), readerbaby71 (10-20-2013)
Old 10-19-2013, 05:53 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: RhodeIsland
Posts: 175
Originally Posted by SnoozyQ View Post
I feel there is almost a sumliminal threat in your husbands comment ( no man will stick around if he doesnt get it ) knowing full well you are not putting out.
Selfishness of an A knows few boundaries - hers doesn't either it seems. How often have we seen stories of the A seeking sobriety, only to 13th step on a loving, supportive spouse who has been through hell? How selfish must one be to put a substance addiction above their spouse, their own children? I know this tactic - I've seen it used first hand.

I had an acquaintance who would brag to me of using this very tactic. He took it to other areas, such as controlling his girlfriends weight. If he found she was gaining a few more pounds than he'd like to see, he point out a woman while out who was 10~15 lbs more than his girlfriend and rant about how fat and disgusting she was. Imagine what this did to her self image! He thought he was so smooth though doing it, because "I didn't call her fat, just made her think she was unattractive and she'd drop right back down where I want her. I'd make it clear that if I was dating that woman, I'd cheat on her". I was able to witness this tactic first hand on a double date, and I couldn't believe the lady beside him would put up with it.

Sad part? the tactic worked, and he wasn't an A. Just an A--HOLE.
RhodeIsland is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to RhodeIsland For This Useful Post:
LightInside (10-20-2013), soberhawk (10-19-2013)
Old 10-19-2013, 08:57 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
lizatola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by Lulu39 View Post
Liz it does seem that all your husband wants from you is for you to put out. You've made it clear that you are not going to. I'd call that a stalemate.

What are you getting from him and what he is getting from you that makes the two of you tolerate this marriage?

He sounds like a most distasteful, unpleasant man. The cons on your pros and cons list must be rolling off the page by now.

Do you really want this man spouting his misogynistic CRAP in front of your son? The kid already has enough hurdles in his life without the crap your husband puts you and the kid through.

Your boy deserves BETTER than this and so do you.
Agreed, on the stalemate thing. It's not that I don't want to 'give it up'(for lack of better wording), I want to give it up to someone who I feel respects me, is capable of earning my trust back, is working on his part of the relationship by being proactive in taking responsibility for himself in all areas of his life. My AH went to therapy on and off(once or twice a month) but stopped going completely about 2 months ago. Marriage counseling went nowhere because the therapist got frustrated in the circles my AH brought us into, round and round we went on his crazy train and even the therapist had had enough.

Anyway, I have made it clear to him the 'whys' of our sex stalemate. He knows what to do, 2 marriage therapists have told him specific game plans he could work on, but he has chosen to do nothing.

I know my son and I deserve better but one of the reasons I stay is so that I can be privy to these conversations and I can direct my son the answers he needs and to the truths that are out there for him. My AH would have gone off about my sister to my son directly given the right opportunity (i.e: asking my son how his aunt is doing, etc and yes he'd probably ask my kid the dirty details of my sister's life because he likes to make fun of my sister's drama), but in many cases I can hear what my AH is saying and I can help my son search for his own meanings and encourage him to think for himself when it comes to what dad has to say. If we had split custody, I'd not have that opportunity and god knows what my son would hear.

The good news is, my son is older and is learning how to think for himself and he's learning tactics to apply for dealing with his dad. He had been in therapy for himself, as well, for a bit. As my son ages through the teen years, I will be more confident in his ability to decipher the crazy and I pray that I have put good influences in his life including his tennis coaches, our pastors, our neighbors who have good marriages, my stepfather, etc.

As for the cheating stuff: he's going to do what he's going to do. It's his life and it's between him and his Higher Power when all is said and done. I can't change or control any of that so I turn it over and let it go. I've learned to pray for my AH daily and I ask God to give him what He's given me: a chance for recovery, a softening of heart, and peace that comes from knowing that you are only in control of yourself.
lizatola is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to lizatola For This Useful Post:
HopefulinFLA (10-21-2013), LightInside (10-20-2013), readerbaby71 (10-20-2013)
Old 10-19-2013, 09:48 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,345
Liz-

I have been thinking about this post for a bit.

Unrelated to a lot of it on here I want to comment on something you mentioned about halfway through.

You stated you are angry with your therapist.

I wanted to clap my hands and jump up and down for you. You are feeling, you are in touch with the feelings etc. You are not letting the feelings "run" you per say, but they are making you sit up and pay attention. Making you look at if you should continue the relatioship with her or not (that I can't help you on, but when my therapist makes me angry usually some huge growth is the end result).

I just want to say yipee for your growth and recovery, regardless of what you decide you are feeling and starting to pay attention to those feelings.
LifeRecovery is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to LifeRecovery For This Useful Post:
LightInside (10-20-2013), lizatola (10-19-2013), RollTide (10-19-2013), Saneinsight (10-19-2013), theuncertainty (10-20-2013)
Old 10-19-2013, 09:55 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 15,292
Liz, I am going to share some of my experience with teenagers (and all children, really). Having gone through those years with mine, already.

I can guarantee that they see more than you think they see---and they "think" more than you believe that they can think.

Now that mine are adults, there have been lots of times that we sat/sit around sharing memories from our collective pasts, together. It is soo amazing to see how their rememberance and INTERPRETATION of specific events and circumstances is so different from mine. Sometimes, I am just shocked to find out just what they did know about the adult world that revolved around them. Kids are like little icebergs, in some ways. What they show us is really just the tip of the iceberg and the majority of what goes on with them, internally, is, unseen, below the surface. One thing for sure--you can't really "pull the wool" over teenagers!

If I had a chance to do it all over and raise my kids, again---I would keep this knowlege in my head from day one...LOL.

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to dandylion For This Useful Post:
bluebelle (10-19-2013), FireSprite (10-19-2013), LightInside (10-20-2013), Lulu39 (10-21-2013), PippiLngstockng (10-19-2013), soberhawk (10-19-2013), theuncertainty (10-20-2013)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:13 AM.