theuncertainty

If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting the rest of our lives. - Lemony Snicket

Liz, I understand the fear of leaving and finding every reason to wait. I did the same. I eventually found my feet and the strength to do. I know you will too, when the time is right for you, when you're tired of waiting. You are so much stronger and smarter and braver than you realize.

And for off-topic threads.... Well... As I see it, much like with a therapist, if our conversations aren't heading in the direction you were hoping, you can let us know what part of the OP was your intended focus and what you were looking for: support, advice, some one to commiserate.... Looking for comments on whether or not you should find a new therapist? There are those here. Thoughts on the possibility of infidelity? Here, too. Commiseration over inappropriate convos in front of your son? Here, too. Need more of one, or a different track entirely? Well, we'd need you to let us know.

It's your journey, you can tell us where you're wanting to go and what you need to help keep putting one foot in front of the other. When we're on your thread, we're here for you. Getting a pointer for our own journey is just an added benefit. ((((hugs))))

NWGRITS

I'm sorry, I went off the original topic. If you're not happy with your therapist, then you need no other reason to find another one. If you don't feel like you are getting what you need to help yourself, then so be it. As for her remarks about your AH cheating... None of us were there, so we don't get the benefit of true context, tone, body language. However, given your past posts about your AH, I doubt her mention of it was merely a stab in the dark. Honestly. He seems to be so fixated on sex that I would venture at some.point he had enough and went off and found someone who give it to him. That is in no way a reflection on you. It just is what it is when you're dealing with an A.

LaTeeDa

My point was that it is not a reason to stay, it's a justification. And I think you know that.

I also think it's great that you are questioning the value of your therapist. That's a sure sign of growth. Dealing with fears is probably the hardest thing any of us has ever had to do. Good on you for recognizing that it needs to be done.

BTW, I'm not telling you to leave. I'm suggesting that you need to be absolutely honest with yourself about why you stay. That is the only way you will ever get down to the real stuff that matters. Justification and rationalization only get in the way. I hope you are lucky enough to find an awesome therapist who will help you decide whatever is right for you.

L

choublak

Upsetnneedhelp

Sometimes a therapist will tell you things you really do not want to hear. However, it may be painfully true. He refuses to even admit hes a alcoholic so he will probably deny cheating as well.

Thumper

Liz I can relate to that overwhelming fear. I hope you find a therapist that can help you address that. I think you are on the right track looking for a new one.

One of my favorite quotes:

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” ~ Ambrose Redmoon

I love it. I loved it then and I still love it now. It reminds me that even I can have courage.

I first read it when I really needed it and so it stuck. Courage wasn't some magical thing that other people had. It is there, inside all of us, in spite of the paralyzing fear - not in place of it.

AnvilheadII

I could be working on my fear, my issues of abuse from my dad and others(not AH), and my abandonment crap from having parents who treated me like I was a piece of furniture most of the time.

ya know, at some point we have to mark a line in the sand for OURSELVES and separate past from present. we get to a certain age and continuing to use what the parents did to us as children really doesn't hold much weight anymore. you are an ADULT now, you have your own child who is now, at this minute, suffering at the hands of his parents. the cycle continues.

OR it stops. you don't have to STAY until you and the therapist figure it all out. it will always be a process. but it should never be an excuse. you have no physical impediments that prevent you from being on your own, getting a job, etc etc. you have no financial impediments. you would however have to take ownership of your own life.

lillamy

Liz, I always get challenged reading your threads because you SAY all the stuff I didn't, all the stuff I only thought, when I was married to AXH.

So that's where I'm coming from - recognition - when I ask: Would your AH cheating on you make it an easier decision for you to leave him?

RhodeIsland

you may wish try a venn diagram -

benefits of staying / leaving Alcoholic husband for you
benefits of staying / leaving for alcoholic husband for child and their development

Sounds basic but it works.

LoveMeNow

Thank you for this thread. It is amazing how God continues to show me what I refuse to see.

Recently, I have been thinking about changing therapists because she doesn't have a lot of experience with addiction. However, she has a lot of experience with abused women. I have finally cone to realize that living with an addiction is very emotionally abusive.

I, also, have never suspected my husband of being unfaithful. His DOC is pain pills which typically decreases their sex drive. However, what in the world would make me think his moral compass was ok in that area but affected in all others??? My nemesis, Denial!!

Liz, I understand the fear all to well. It has kept me stuck too. When the pain of staying outweighs the fear of leaving, I will make my move. Not a minute sooner. But I am preparing for that day because I know it is coming. I also know it won't be for one of the big reasons.....it will just that dish in the sink.....I have read so much about.

NWGRITS

This!!! Anvil always has such sage advice. The parent excuse only goes so far. At some point you have to stop blaming them and take control of your life. If is something you have to CHOOSE to do. The therapist can't do it for you.

Aeryn

A lot of times I feel I see people on this board (and I don't mean you personally this just brought this feeling up for me ) using the above to mean that we should just "put our past behind us and move on". In my therapy I have learned that burying the past is what has KEPT me stuck for so long - just saying "oh it happened and it's not a result of my childhood" kept me from identifying the maladaptive behaviors I learned from my childhood (in my case it was abusive but it doesn't have to be). What happened was I had an NPD, codependent, untreated Alanon mother and and absent alcoholic father. As a child I developed survival skills for that, things I needed at the time (such as building walls, becoming a doormat, being invisible, feeling I didn't have the right to exist and only existing in private where my Mom didn't know)...as a kid I HAD to do that. As an adult those same behaviors hold me back...if I am NOT willing to go back and admit that the way my mother treated me was WRONG and shaped who I am today there is no way I can adjust my behaviors and become a functioning adult.

Lately I have stopped posting here and abandoned quite a few of my own threads because I got some likely well intentioned advice that was harmful to my therapy and in my case felt condescending and triggery like that of my Mom. The fact that I felt condescended is growth for me - in the past I would have buried the emotion and let it go...however unfortunately SR is not a place I can explore those emotions so I just stepped away.

However...both therapists I have had as well as all the books I've read have supported the idea that for me to adjust the behaviors I learned as a child that no longer work as an adult I HAVE to go back and explore those relationships. It's not about blaming it's about feeling it, mourning it (the childhood I never had) and then being able to recognize the behaviors I have from that time that no longer work and adjusting them.

BTW LMN - this is not at all directed at you so I hope you don't think so your post just seemed a good one to respond to to bring up these things I've been feeling. Since I've known you a while I thought you would be OK with it.

LoveMeNow

I, too, needed to heal my inner child. Most of here probably have too. The difference for me was I continued to be a victim and loved that role. Today, I try hard to take responsibility for the choices I make.

Ps. Nice to see you.

Aeryn

I think the difference has to do with the NPD and the level of abuse....it's a whole different ballgame than just an alcoholic parent and a regular codependent parent (who is actually capable of love). Most who haven't experienced it don't understand (and they can't) and that's OK. Via PM I've identified a couple that get it but it's just something that most people don't experience (and I'm glad they haven't!!). Let's just say the latest incident for me is my NPD mother has hired a private investigator to get "info" on me so she can report to the folks back home what a failure I'm due to my separation I didn't tell her about...that's just the tip of the iceburg.

I'll hop in and out of SR every now and then but I'll probably keep this stuff to myself since it way out of the realm of Alanon or even ACOA (it's closer to that). I've tried over and over again and I know when I'm licked and it's just not being able to understand since the experience is not the same.

I don't want to hijack lizatola's thread though!

I will say to her original post that feeling something toward the therapist in therapy is a sign of growth - transference is something to be explored with the therapist and grow from at least that's how it works in my therapy. If it were me I would talk to the therapist about it before leaving to get the possible benefit of that growth whatever it may be.

choublak

So...what does this therapist think you should do? Or did she suggest your husband was cheating, and that was it?

Florence

In my experience, the venting at the therapist and looping around and around already-covered topics was my way of avoiding getting deeper into my feelings. She let me do this for awhile before demanding that we change the method.

Also, my anger towards my therapist was often when she suggested I do or think about things that I was working to avoid. I was very angry with my therapist, for example, when she suggested my STBXAH might be an alcoholic.

stella27

funny, Florence. I signed XAH and me up for marriage counseling. On the day that the first session rolled around, XAH was too busy with work to make the appointment. So I went by myself and told the therapist that he was just too busy to make it today - he WANTED TO, but he just couldn't.

The therapist gave me a look like "really?" and I felt defensive on XAH's part - he who was too busy to join me in addressing our marital issues head-on.

I see that his excuse said something about him and my protection of him said something about me. I see it now.

LaTeeDa

Yes, this is exactly it. I remember being really annoyed at my therapist when she wanted to talk about my mother. In my mind, I had "gotten over" my anger at my mother years ago. I was there to talk about my marriage going to hell, not my parents, lol. After a few months, she helped me to see that I hadn't really "let go" of my anger, I had just buried it, decided not to deal with it, but it was still there and it was still affecting my decisions/behavior.

Another thing I will say is that although I feel I had a really great therapist, who helped me immensely, she was not right 100% of the time. In fact, I would say that around 10-15% of the time, she missed the mark entirely. It was always up to me to decide if I wanted to go in the direction she was pointing. She didn't decide what I needed to work on, she brought up many things and used my reaction as an indicator of whether to pursue further. As a result, I've learned to do that for myself. If something triggers a strong reaction in me, then it's something I need to look at more closely.

L

LifeRecovery

In studies they have found that it is okay for the therapist to be wrong (they are at least 30-50% of the time.

It is about the relationship that is built between the therapist and the client that the work comes from.

In the training I took it was such a relief to realize my therapist, who I adore is wrong quite a bit.....the growth is not from the wrong/right but from me having enough of a relationship with her to say "I am upset, I don't think so etc."

I had to deal with my past to heal. I realize last week that my whole relatinship that got me to SR was a way for me to deal and heal with my past.

And for me the only way through it was through.

Aeryn

Yes this. Therapy is about the therapeutic relationship and about transference it's not about "advice". Feeling angry at the therapist is more likely transference about something big going on - IMHO leaving therapy due to the feeling is leaving just when things may be starting to happen. Growth is painful and therapy is not easy - for me to get better I had to walk through the pain first.

(BTW - Just a random aside not directed at anyone but I'm growing to hate "advice". LOL)