LaTeeDa

Growing up with two parents who were unhappy with each other, both trying to get the other to change is how I received my codependence training.

L

NYCDoglvr

Like alcoholics, those of us suffering from codependency are subject to denial and rationalization. If it turns out he has been, does it make a difference? One thing I do know is alcoholism is progressive.

LoveMeNow

I am not completely in agreement about the feelings of the therapist. I wasn't there and was not privy to the whole discussions.

However, I know my own therapists challenges me at times because she knows that I struggle with my own denial.

Your husband was diagnosed with NPD, travels for works , drinks, has not had sex in a while and wants sex..... I think it reasonable for a therapist to discuss the possibilities of infidelities.

lizatola

My story is different when it comes to my parents. My mother never tried to change my father, she just gave up and let him be as he spiraled into alcoholism and abuse. But, she was so non-existent in our lives in the process, for whatever reason and was never there for the kids. When I got married I swore I wouldn't let my husband spiral and that I'd be there for him and do whatever I could (enabling) to make sure I kept our marriage together. I saw my parents as apathetic towards each other, towards the children, but not towards themselves. They were both selfish people and I didn't want to be that way so I gave and gave and gave until I realized that wasn't the answer either. I guess my codependence came about in an effort to put band aids on things that requires surgery and stitches thinking that I was holding it all together all by self and all the martyr and victim for it. I know differently now and that's where Al Anon has helped me see my part. I am so grateful for the lessons I've had in the past 2 years because without them I wouldn't have a relationship with my HP, I wouldn't have the support and friends that I do now, and I wouldn't have the opportunity to help my son prepare for adulthood with better tools to cope. I may have started late, but I figure it's better late than never.

Summerpeach

The sex talk in front of your child was not appropiate for sure, but it takes two to have a conversation which you participated in. If you thought it was wrong, why answer your H and why not say "we can talk about this later" or "this is not appropriate"

And knowing the field of mental health care myself and since all of us here aree not privy to all the words exchanged with you and your therapist and I suspect she is not taking a shot in the dark with this one.

He travels, sounds like he wants to talk about sex, you're not giving him sex, he's a man <----- all recipes for one to cheat.

I think you're playing the victim here a little bit

lizatola

So, let's say I am playing the victim here, can you expand on that a little? I only ask because I know it's a huge character defect for codies and for me and, obviously, I'm looking to grow out of this.



As for my therapist, she's mentioned the cheating thing before especially when AH was accusing me of cheating on him. Honestly, I think there's too much familiarity between us, if that makes sense, and I feel like we're not doing enough work on my issues. I sometimes go there feeling like she's just a friend that I'm venting to and I'm looking for more deep stuff at this point. She's also not taking my insurance anymore and I'm paying out of of pocket because I haven't met my insurance deductible so it's getting expensive to pay to just vent for an hour. It's just hard to think of moving on after 18 months with her but I'm kind of in a stalled place right now and I'm soooo ready to move on and grow!

MissFixit

hi
i have been following your post and hesitant to comment but i had a similar experience.

my ex was always generous but gave me a very expensive gift one spring. he had a relapse i didnt fully know about and i told him that he needed to get himself straight w/o me in his face. he agreed, cried told me about his aa, therapy and out patient threatment program. i was so relieved that he was following through albeit with some lapses. six months later he pretty much disconnects from me and i find out that that whole time he was seeing someone who drank wih him, fed his ego and they became engaged. i was totally blindsided as the entire time he told me about his improvement and i not only believed him but was happy that he was getting himself together without me. he also (like your husband) talked a lot about sex and how i better not cheat. cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone he always said. i never have cheated nor given any reason for that to come up. HE was focused on it. we were a part then as i was in school up the road and didnt see his everyday routines at that time.

his recovery was all lies and his discussions about sex and cheating were likely projections onto me.

alcoholics say what we want to hear and some at least mine was very good at manipulating people and throwing me off the reality of what was happening.

i did therapy for a year following that and my therapist (actually two differnt ones) both that a's lie about everything, deflect blame and men especially will seek or be open to female comfort if they aren't getting it at home. both therapists are men btw.

regardless of whether he is or isnt you can be okay. however if he was, would that change anything for you regarding your relationship, living, etc.

the blindsiding is what hurt me the mist as i wasnt prepared to deal w the fallout.

LaTeeDa

My comment was in response to this. I see rationalizations like this often on SR. I even rationalized and justified in similar ways myself at one point. And that's how I know what it is, and I call BS.

I know you have your reasons for staying, but that is entirely on you. You are not doing your son any favors by keeping him in a dysfunctional family in order to "protect" him 24/7. Children learn about relationships through what they live. I most certainly didn't intentionally marry an alcoholic and become a codependent. It was imprinted on my psyche by the main role models in my life--my parents. Being there to run interference on inappropriate conversations in no way offsets the dysfunction of the situation he is forced to live in.

L

lizw

I just want to echo this post, after years and years of similar behaviour myself. I spent along time telling myself I did things for 'other people'. Whether it be my daughter, my partner, a family member or a friend. Then a couple of years ago I addressed some issues of my own which helped me see I did things for myself. And that a lot of the actions (I took and said I was doing them for other people) were motivated by fear and my inability to take responsibility for myself and my own life. I stayed in relationships that were unhealthy for myself and my daughter as I was too scared to leave and did not want to be lonely. And I felt incapable of leaving. I'm not saying you should leave, just what I have discovered for myself.

The other thing I have discovered is when I tell myself I am doing something for someone else and I believe this, I set myself up for the victim role. Can be a hard thing to shake, I tell you. But oddly enough when I am in this place and doing things because I want to and taking responsibility for myself and my actions, it's a lot easier to live in my own skin regardless of what another is doing.

stella27

Victim role or Martyr role. I stay and I suffer because it's best for someone else. It earns me a halo.

LoveMeNow

Liz, I cannot encourage you enough to call around youR area and find a class or support group that is doing....UNTANGLING RELATIONSHIPS - codependency from a Christian perspective. You can order the book/workbook direct from the editor if you can not find the class.

I was amazed at how even my relationship with God was feeding into my codependency. That's not uncommon, there is a whole chapter on it. My thinking had become THAT distorted.

Although, it is unhealthy to blame our parents (or anyone) - I found it interesting to see how their influence molded my thinking.

theuncertainty

Liz, right here are 3 valid reasons to look for a new therapist or take other steps: 1. you're looking for deeper work; 2. it's too expensive, no longer accepting insurance; 3. YOU are ready to move forward.

This next is just my personal view, based on outside perspective and not privy to all details: it's sounds like in the session she brought up the infidelity, you had brought up the convo where he discussed the girl putting out as a reason for the guy to stay. In logic, the contrapositive of that statement would be if the guy doesn't stay, it's because she isn't putting out. I would also guess that your prior sessions included details of your relationship with your AH, including your sexual relationship. I can see where some one would put pieces together. I can't comment on whether her broaching the subject at that time was unprofessional, or transference, or inappropriate. But, perhaps she is trying to bring to your attention other details of your relationship that she thought you may not have been facing. IDK, really, I don't; I'm throwing out a possibility.

If it was me, if I could deal with the cost issue, if I wanted to move ahead, and if I didn't want to lose the 18 mos. with my therapist, I'd probably be discussing the fact that I take issue with her statement - or manner of stating - with her, and telling her I feel like I'm not making progress, that I need more direction in our sessions.

I hope any of that makes sense. (((hugs)))

dandylion

Bump

dandylion

[QUOTE=Hammer;4246076]Rough thing on all the drama(s) -- they take you, me, us off course and off target.

Little nerd reference, here >>>



STAY ON TARGET!


[/QUOTE

bump

theuncertainty

Was my post off-topic?

suki44883

Not at all. I think the poster was reminding the OP to stay on THEIR target.

littlefish

I don't usually post on f and f but the comment about staying in the marriage to provide damage control for a 14 year old by explaining the rants of a self-absorbed drunk...nah. That just won't work. The rants will happen with or without you and kids don't listen as much to what we say as to what we do!
I think we would all be utterly floored if we knew just how well our kids understand us, our marriage, our various train-wrecks.
Are they going to listen to us explain, anyway?

Is a kid better off living with a parent that has to be explained, or living free of all the dysfunction, without having to experience the burden of it? I think you've gotten a lot of good responses about that...

suki44883

I have to totally agree with this. You are not doing your son any favors by keeping him in such dysfunction. I am a firm believer in the idea that it's better to come from a broken home than to live in one.

You have your own reasons for staying with this azzhole, but using your son as a reason is just wrong. He would be MUCH better off out of all that chaos.

NWGRITS

In total agreement about your son. You are not helping him. You are not protecting him. What you ARE doing is giving him such an effed up lesson on relationships that he isn't going to know which way is up when he starts to form his own. You are teaching him that it's ok to sacrifice yourself and your children for the sake of someone who doesn't give a damn about any of you. As long as you "explain" it and tie it all up with a bow, everything is fine. Finefinefine. I hate that word, honestly. You are doing all.pf this for your selfish reasons, not for your son. None of what he is experiencing with either of you two is healthy.

lizatola

Not to defend myself, but I originally said that it was ONE of my reasons for staying not the only one. I know for a fact that I stay out of fear (too many to list at this point with how I've let this thread go at this point), for financial reasons (I'm saving up for a lawyer whom I've already met with), and fear...oh wait, I said that.

And, because of this fear that currently keeps me immobile, I am thinking of changing therapists because in our sessions I find that we don't address my fear issues and the root cause of it. We get off track especially when she asks about my AH's antics from the prior week. I get caught in the 'talking about it mode' and then waste time when I could be working on my fear, my issues of abuse from my dad and others(not AH), and my abandonment crap from having parents who treated me like I was a piece of furniture most of the time.

As usual, I let my threads get off topic. Something I can work on, I guess, to help me understand my issues and why I get sucked into drama both created by me and created by others. Thank you all for the feedback!