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Desperate to get back with the A

Old 07-26-2013, 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
There are no problems, there is only resistance to the solution.
LOVE THIS!! I am def. stealing that one.
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Old 07-26-2013, 09:01 PM
  # 62 (permalink)  
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I just have to say...this conversation thread is AMAZING. CR995, your honesty is beautiful and humbling and....well...damn! Thank you for your very brave openness. Everything you are saying about craving the Ex is what I have felt and am feeling and am going through. I am treating him as an addiction and am taking one day at a time. I am on day 10 and find myself getting more and more open about my situation. And often I find the person I am sharing with has their own story, that makes me feel less alone and crazy.

Hugs and love to you.

Carrie
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Old 07-27-2013, 06:30 AM
  # 63 (permalink)  
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Thanks everybody for the support - both harsh and gentle.
I don't know what's wrong with me today but I am sooo angry and sad at the same time.
Usually when I feel bad I hide away under my duvet but today I am just to angry to do that. I am dreading a boring long day and even the things I have planned I feel I don't want to be present for.

My first thought this morning was I wanted to stick a knitting needle through his heart so he would know how I felt. But that now gives me NO PEACE because it won't make me feel any better.

I now am so ground down with negativity and despondency I just want to feel better. Even if I have to wish him happiness and joy I am ready to - just to get rid of this well almost hatred and resentment and just Poison building in me.

I sat up last night looking over 'Women who love too much' - yes I notice pain motivates me to find a cure!

I wish I could do something like sanding the walls which needs done and helps but I also feel so tired.

One thing I am saying over and over to myself is I don't need him to survive.
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Old 07-27-2013, 06:38 AM
  # 64 (permalink)  
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As a man I can relate to you...so this is human.

Doesn't matter to me if it's right or wrong.

You deserve recovery.

It took me many years to "get over" my AexW and AexG....but along the way starting with day 1 I became well(er).
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Old 07-27-2013, 06:56 AM
  # 65 (permalink)  
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Pain is a great motivator. It's what makes most alcoholics get sober, too.

Hugs, this WILL pass.
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Old 07-27-2013, 07:44 AM
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CR995 I'm going through the same thing just now and it's hard and it's painful. I have that urge to contact but knowit will do no good. I know I make contact to run away from the uncomfortable feeling and guess what the cure is? To feel the feelings. Not an easy thing but its like Lexie says it makes them get sober so if we relate pain to ourselves it helps us to move on and give our own addiction up...addicted to the addict. I just want to send you hugs and say your not alone in this.
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Old 07-27-2013, 08:03 AM
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I'm not afraid to feel the feelings anymore- so long as I know it will eventually get better. My fear and it is fear is that I ll be hurting forever with no friends, no activities and just endless days stretching out in front of me while everybody else is having fun.

I don't want to live pretend happy - I tried that - went out for dinner etc with guys and I felt WORSE sitting there than anything ever. That is one tiny thing I am glad for that I refuse to do that anymore. But I am still left with just me and right now I'm not good company for myself.
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Old 07-27-2013, 08:16 AM
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Hardest part on the personal side for me when she came back a mess from rehab was the dreams.

Every night I would dream about her/us and the Way Things Were. Or maybe The Way Things Never Really Were. Dunno.

But then I would wake up and things would be what They Really Are Now. That would leave me dazed and confused. Went on for a couple of months.

Then I finally stopped dreaming. Or at least I do not remember them when I wake up. I do not remember any dream for the last five months, or so.

Just do the day, go to sleep, wake up and do the next.
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Old 07-27-2013, 08:21 AM
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It will eventually get better. It's been suggested to me that I need to fill the void within me. I go to al anon can't remember on your post whether you go or not? I've started fitness class and going to yoga Tuesday.....these are things I stopped doing during the time I was with my ex. It doesn't take the heartache away but gives me focus for a short time. I do what your doing too, look at people and think that they're happy but you know; you don't know what's going on inside people's heads and in their relationships....and some people I know accept being treated like s***, sorry not for me I need more than that. I'm depressed jut now but am trying little by little to find myself again, I barely remember what it is that 'I' like to do. Why not look up meet-up? There might be something that interests you? I'm gonna stay away from guys for just now but plan on putting myself out there again once I feel better. Sometimes writing a to do list at night for the next day gives you a focus too, little thing but it des work for me, stops the obsession for a while.
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Old 07-27-2013, 09:01 AM
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One think that really helps me is my mindfulness practice. There is lots of information, books and classes out there on how to do mindfulness. It takes a while and it is hard work but you can learn how to recognize your unhealthy thoughts and detach from them before they become a run away train. You can literally rewire your brain and move back to a healthy place again.

Your friend,
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Old 07-27-2013, 10:15 AM
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Yes I do yoga and while I am doing it I obssess about him!! In the last few months though not so much .

I have heard about mindfulness and I need to look into that more.

I have decided to 'expect to feel bad' for quite some time. I think the last 24 hours I have been trying desperately to make myself feel better by any means. And maybe that is just not possible.

So once I said to myself ur goin to feel crap for a while I felt a bit more sane? less suicidal?

Also I have gone back to my own mantra , I say

God bless the A ,
God bless the gf ,
God bless me and God bless my children.

It makes my eyes wet each time but it takes away the hatred .

Now I'm going out - alone for pizza and pie and then meeting an alanon friend to watch a movie.

God bless us all , us and them.
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Old 07-27-2013, 10:21 AM
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I was going to post about writing a gratitude list, but then thought it seemed a bit trite at the moment. However, it works for me when I am in a funk, and after a while, that positive perspective starts to stick around longer and longer.

Sounds as if you've found something similar to help prop you up. Keep doing it!

Take care,
~T
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Old 07-27-2013, 10:40 AM
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Yes when I accept I'm going to feel crap for a while its easier. I'm working on acceptance and letting go. I'm looking into mindfullness too, the course I'm on at the moment the tutor there raves about it and we practice it for 5 minutes; it's been researched to be very effective for stress and anxiety. The gratitude list is useful but it's hard to do when your feeling really sad. Thinking about you, that's good your going to have some company later. Try not to spend too much time alone that makes me worse.
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Old 07-27-2013, 01:23 PM
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I had been searching for this thread for years. I have tears streaming down my face reading all the posts. I thought I was the only one who experienced this hell.

I thought there was seriously something wrong with me when it took over 2 years for me to give up and bravely face the pain i put myself thru with my ex. It got to the point where I didn't know which was worse cycle and stinging bite of rejection or the grief if I simply kept to myself. His silent treatment during and post relationship (we worked together) was incredibly painful. I think it is what taught me to go back for more pain. When he stopped ignoring me I would have hope and be in contact just to get rejected all over again with his silence it was deafening. I would be so relieved when he would start communicating again regardless if he was kind or mean. It was a horrible nasty cycle of pain. I don't know how I finally pulled myself out of it but I'm grateful that I did.

That isn't love. I may hold out for the romantic love I desire until I die but I would rather live out my life that way then living it under his consistent verbal and emotional abuse.

Thank you so very very much for this thread. I can't find the right words to express my gratitude
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Old 07-27-2013, 06:18 PM
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I am back from my night out and oh boy did it help just to be with safe people.

I started off going to a restaurant I know, where I had a meal by myself. It is the first time I have done that knowing I am alone as opposed to before when I was in limbo.

Facing reality is painful but I also felt a sense of belonging - to that group of the newlysingle as we transition from one state to another, at our rock bottom, in real pain but owning and acknowledging our feelings instead of running from them, letting go and no longer clutching on to our partners.

It does make you feel very alive and strangely connected to that part of humanity, united in our pain. I remember seeing characters in films playing that part and on the one hand understanding that it was a necessary process in moving on but in MY own life doing any and everything to avoid it.

I've never faced up to that before, I 've always told myself that things are gonna work out, I'm not really alone.

I went to watch a film called 'Francis Ha' and it made me feel so ... alive ?
my alanon friend introduced me to her two friends and we all watched the movie together and then had coffee at their house after. They were so lovely and kind to me that I was just sort of dazed.

In the past I have picked myself up after separating from AH, made a new circle of friends only to have the A come back into my life all positive at first, get all chummy with my new friends and then slowly but surely start all his old s*** again.

Next thing you know I have no social life, have stopped all my hobbies, am alone and feeling like crap again.

I am finally learning - to protect what I hold dear, to put my needs first. For example I love my sister dearly - but she is the same, close friends I have introduced her to suddenly stop returning my calls then she's doing lunch with them all the time and I am history.

NO MORE. I am finally admitting some people just do not have your best interests at heart and forgiving somebody over and over again when they make no change in their behavior is just an invitation to be abused.

I have been so naive. Just because I wouldn't behave a particular way doesn't mean other people won't either just because I love them.

I love writing and when I used to read anything I had written to AH he would say ..is it nearly over - I'm losing the will to live! ' Nice eh! way to be supportive.

Tomorrow I start writing again.

Thanks for being here .
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Old 07-27-2013, 07:00 PM
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Tomorrow I start writing again.


You sound strong, and that is wonderful!

Beth
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Old 07-27-2013, 07:30 PM
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Rejoining the world of the living is a great thing.

And BTW, I really enjoy going out to dinner alone. You can do real people-watching, relax without having to hold up your end of a conversation.

Sounds like a GREAT evening! Dinner alone, movie and conversation with friends afterward. What could be better? Certainly not what you were doing before!
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Old 07-28-2013, 10:48 AM
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I like the yoga idea for you in your healing. It brings to mind what I do for patients when I'm working with them through intense physical pain in the ER: I help them concentrate on their breathing. We do 4 slow counts in through the nose and 6 slow counts out through the mouth and repeat. When we concentrate on our breathing, other pain diminishes. I think that works well in the yoga or mindfulness setting for emotional pain as well.
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Old 07-28-2013, 05:25 PM
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Just want to say sorry for your pain.
I think it is grief you are dealing with & only time will heal that.
I remember wanting to speed the clock up.
Anyway thinking of you & big hugs.
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Old 07-29-2013, 03:51 AM
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I went to an open AA meeting last night and one of the speakers really explained this 'mad' stage we seem to be in now. He was just behaving like a self centred selfish b****** towards his family when active, he said he loved those with money to buy him booze and hated anyone as soon as they stopped buying him booze.

I can see that trying to reason or expecting anything reasonable from somebody in that condition is just stupid. Lexie is right it's the ravings of a lunatic.

(BUT they are able to suspend/hide their lunatic behaviour from new partner...hmnn)

A RA friend of mine told me once when you do all the bad things you still know they are bad.

What am I doing? still trying to understand , rationalize - even though I am dealing with a sick person. I am stuck with that.

I met an alanon friend at the meeting and for the first time her AH. Now this is the kicker. I have known her for a while . She is a lovely, beautifu , inteliigent and interesting girl. I had never met him but had seen her breaking her heart over him for a good while now.

On meeting him I am sorry to say I thought - wtf? He is just an idiot, not worthy of her. He reminds me of how my AH used to behave when he was dry and in new company. Behaving just like a 12 year old. Not somebody that you would expect to have won her.

This made me think - great - unkind of me but I am cured.

Oh the speaker and his wife also got remarried after about 14 years when he found recovery and I though No way would I ever do that, how even more humiliating,
but I thought now be honest with yourself...

If there was a knock at the door and he was there you would fall in to his arms and feel like the world had been saved - like the end of some epic movie!

Obsessed and sick I still am.

I shall imagine my condition as Lexie suggests like a physical wound - I have the treatment but it's gonna take some time to work, meanwhile I still have really sick thinking.

I hope that this ridiculous 'happy ever after' dream goes too I would hate to think I'll be stuck with it for ever. Even as I write that I know that newly broken up people have a problem of Always and Never - ie extreme thinking. I will always be sad, or I will never be okay. So maybe the fact that I know that is a healing thing.

I am soo tired - I can do nothing but eat and sleep at the moment.
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