Thanks everybody for the support - both harsh and gentle.
I don't know what's wrong with me today but I am sooo angry and sad at the same time.
Usually when I feel bad I hide away under my duvet but today I am just to angry to do that. I am dreading a boring long day and even the things I have planned I feel I don't want to be present for.
My first thought this morning was I wanted to stick a knitting needle through his heart so he would know how I felt. But that now gives me NO PEACE because it won't make me feel any better.
I now am so ground down with negativity and despondency I just want to feel better. Even if I have to wish him happiness and joy I am ready to - just to get rid of this well almost hatred and resentment and just Poison building in me.
I sat up last night looking over 'Women who love too much' - yes I notice pain motivates me to find a cure!
I wish I could do something like sanding the walls which needs done and helps but I also feel so tired.
One thing I am saying over and over to myself is I don't need him to survive.