I went to an open AA meeting last night and one of the speakers really explained this 'mad' stage we seem to be in now. He was just behaving like a self centred selfish b****** towards his family when active, he said he loved those with money to buy him booze and hated anyone as soon as they stopped buying him booze.
I can see that trying to reason or expecting anything reasonable from somebody in that condition is just stupid. Lexie is right it's the ravings of a lunatic.
(BUT they are able to suspend/hide their lunatic behaviour from new partner...hmnn)
A RA friend of mine told me once when you do all the bad things you still know they are bad.
What am I doing? still trying to understand , rationalize - even though I am dealing with a sick person. I am stuck with that.
I met an alanon friend at the meeting and for the first time her AH. Now this is the kicker. I have known her for a while . She is a lovely, beautifu , inteliigent and interesting girl. I had never met him but had seen her breaking her heart over him for a good while now.
On meeting him I am sorry to say I thought - wtf? He is just an idiot, not worthy of her. He reminds me of how my AH used to behave when he was dry and in new company. Behaving just like a 12 year old. Not somebody that you would expect to have won her.
This made me think - great - unkind of me but I am cured.
Oh the speaker and his wife also got remarried after about 14 years when he found recovery and I though No way would I ever do that, how even more humiliating,
but I thought now be honest with yourself...
If there was a knock at the door and he was there you would fall in to his arms and feel like the world had been saved - like the end of some epic movie!
Obsessed and sick I still am.
I shall imagine my condition as Lexie suggests like a physical wound - I have the treatment but it's gonna take some time to work, meanwhile I still have really sick thinking.
I hope that this ridiculous 'happy ever after' dream goes too I would hate to think I'll be stuck with it for ever. Even as I write that I know that newly broken up people have a problem of Always and Never - ie extreme thinking. I will always be sad, or I will never be okay. So maybe the fact that I know that is a healing thing.
I am soo tired - I can do nothing but eat and sleep at the moment.