Desperate to get back with the A
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Desperate to get back with the A
I would do anything at this moment to get back with the A.
If I could crawl on my hands and knees in front of him and beg him to take me back - I would.!
I can't because he is in another country , has already replaced me, is getting rid of me by divorce , is still active and wants me out of his life FOREVER.
I recognize how pathetic I am feeling like this. I am writing on this board because I feel I have to do something!
I look around me and I can see I have made a comfortable home around myself unlike the home I left him in which is falling down round him.
Yet I have this strong intense feeling that the only thing that will stop this panicking desperate feeling of abandonment and betrayal is him taking me back and me being SORRY i left him.
IF someone else was saying this I would feel sorry at then angry with them for being so stupid and prolonging their own pain but I just want this not to be over, the thing I have been trying to keep afloat with all my energy.
I am at a loss when my daughter who loves her dad tells me he is a scumbag and my son says how many times do you need to get burnt before you stop putting your hand on the fire.
I have not emailed him, I have not phoned him but it's ALL I want to do.
What the f*** is wrong with me!?
If I could crawl on my hands and knees in front of him and beg him to take me back - I would.!
I can't because he is in another country , has already replaced me, is getting rid of me by divorce , is still active and wants me out of his life FOREVER.
I recognize how pathetic I am feeling like this. I am writing on this board because I feel I have to do something!
I look around me and I can see I have made a comfortable home around myself unlike the home I left him in which is falling down round him.
Yet I have this strong intense feeling that the only thing that will stop this panicking desperate feeling of abandonment and betrayal is him taking me back and me being SORRY i left him.
IF someone else was saying this I would feel sorry at then angry with them for being so stupid and prolonging their own pain but I just want this not to be over, the thing I have been trying to keep afloat with all my energy.
I am at a loss when my daughter who loves her dad tells me he is a scumbag and my son says how many times do you need to get burnt before you stop putting your hand on the fire.
I have not emailed him, I have not phoned him but it's ALL I want to do.
What the f*** is wrong with me!?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
You are grieving. It's ok to have these feelings. You just don't need to act on them.
Try playing this forward...what would happen if you did call? Email? How does he respond to you? Would it be welcomed? Spark anger and hostility? How would it make you feel afterward? Sad? Nostalgic?
Would it solve anything? Or be a temporary fix? Would you hate your self afterward? Would you get your needs met by reaching out?
Try playing this forward...what would happen if you did call? Email? How does he respond to you? Would it be welcomed? Spark anger and hostility? How would it make you feel afterward? Sad? Nostalgic?
Would it solve anything? Or be a temporary fix? Would you hate your self afterward? Would you get your needs met by reaching out?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Try playing this forward...what would happen if you did call? Email? How does he respond to you? Would it be welcomed? Spark anger and hostility? How would it make you feel afterward? Sad? Nostalgic?
Would it solve anything? Or be a temporary fix? Would you hate your self afterward? Would you get your needs met by reaching out?
Would it solve anything? Or be a temporary fix? Would you hate your self afterward? Would you get your needs met by reaching out?
cr995, I had to go to a lot of therapy with a great, understanding therapist to get through this stuff.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oddly, I have one relationship that still gets to me ALMOST that way. A guy that unceremoniously dumped me (we were engaged) when I was in college. It still irks me that that happened. More than the husband who went back to drinking after we got married.
Still, those thoughts don't live in my brain these days. I am capable of conjuring them up, but they don't live there on a regular basis.
What helped me was my determination that I didn't want anyone who didn't want me. Period. It's sort of demeaning to contemplate--who wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't really WANT you there? I know, it feels now like you do, but what you really want is for him to WANT you back. And that is one hundred percent out of your control. If you were someone he wanted back, it would be because you were sick enough to continue to allow him to bring you down with him.
I don't think you want to be that sick person. You just want the pain to stop.
It will, trust me on this. You may occasionally be able to conjure up a resentment like the one I still have, but it doesn't have to live in your brain every day. It takes time, and it takes work. It is SO worth it, though.
Still, those thoughts don't live in my brain these days. I am capable of conjuring them up, but they don't live there on a regular basis.
What helped me was my determination that I didn't want anyone who didn't want me. Period. It's sort of demeaning to contemplate--who wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't really WANT you there? I know, it feels now like you do, but what you really want is for him to WANT you back. And that is one hundred percent out of your control. If you were someone he wanted back, it would be because you were sick enough to continue to allow him to bring you down with him.
I don't think you want to be that sick person. You just want the pain to stop.
It will, trust me on this. You may occasionally be able to conjure up a resentment like the one I still have, but it doesn't have to live in your brain every day. It takes time, and it takes work. It is SO worth it, though.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hey there cr995,
There's nothing wrong with you, at least nothing is wrong with you that wasn't wrong with me also, (lol).
The entire time that my divorce was going through, I wanted things to go back, the way that they were, was even willing I guess to go through the abuse again. The feeling of abandonment and rejection was too much for me to handle.
I did have some good days where I knew everything was for the best, but I think all those years where I had researched, tried everything that I could to make things better, I think I was still stuck on the hamster wheel. All those years that I thought I could make things work, were forever closing on me. I know, it should have been a relief for me, but it wasn't.
The divorce did go through, 2 1/2 years ago. It was during that time that I looked back and realized, I don't think that I even loved him then, I wanted validation, I wanted closure, I wanted him to see my "rightness, and his "wrongness". I actually didn't want him at all. I wanted my dream, my fantasy of a good marriage and growing old together, and looking at pictures of our children while we were out on the porch sitting on our rocking chairs, and remembering the good old days.
I was in denial, I was blinded by my own fantasies, was still on the hamster wheel.
The divorce got me off that "hamster wheel", I now had only myself to take care of, no more researching, no more trying, no more trying to change me to someone he would love. That wasn't possible anyway. He didn't love himself, how could he know how to love me?
The divorce set me free of all that.
I'm glad you came to the board today to talk about it, instead of an e-mail or a phone call. Believe me, I was guilty of that. It only made the pain worse.
((((((((((hugs))))))))) to you. It will get better, and we will be with you during this sadness, anger, depression, rage.
Just keep coming back here, we love you and won't abandon you.
There's nothing wrong with you, at least nothing is wrong with you that wasn't wrong with me also, (lol).
The entire time that my divorce was going through, I wanted things to go back, the way that they were, was even willing I guess to go through the abuse again. The feeling of abandonment and rejection was too much for me to handle.
I did have some good days where I knew everything was for the best, but I think all those years where I had researched, tried everything that I could to make things better, I think I was still stuck on the hamster wheel. All those years that I thought I could make things work, were forever closing on me. I know, it should have been a relief for me, but it wasn't.
The divorce did go through, 2 1/2 years ago. It was during that time that I looked back and realized, I don't think that I even loved him then, I wanted validation, I wanted closure, I wanted him to see my "rightness, and his "wrongness". I actually didn't want him at all. I wanted my dream, my fantasy of a good marriage and growing old together, and looking at pictures of our children while we were out on the porch sitting on our rocking chairs, and remembering the good old days.
I was in denial, I was blinded by my own fantasies, was still on the hamster wheel.
The divorce got me off that "hamster wheel", I now had only myself to take care of, no more researching, no more trying, no more trying to change me to someone he would love. That wasn't possible anyway. He didn't love himself, how could he know how to love me?
The divorce set me free of all that.
I'm glad you came to the board today to talk about it, instead of an e-mail or a phone call. Believe me, I was guilty of that. It only made the pain worse.
((((((((((hugs))))))))) to you. It will get better, and we will be with you during this sadness, anger, depression, rage.
Just keep coming back here, we love you and won't abandon you.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Well, I don't know about you, but I can speak to the same feelings in me and why. I missed my fantasy guy. The guy I made up. Those early honeymoon phase days kind of guy. I missed the hell outta that guy!
When I would get those strong urges like you describe, I would go read my past journal entries for a dose of reality. Or read my old posts here. Anything to snap my head back into accepting reality for what it really is.
And I'd be gentle with myself, have a good cry over the loss, take a hot bath or a long walk, or buy a new book to read, anything to self-soothe without acting on those emotions. It was hard, but over time, it got easier to manage and then I finally reached a point where I no longer have those feelings. So know that this too shall pass, in time. But right now, take good care of yourself. Posting here is a great outlet - don't feel stupid or silly for having irrational thoughts and emotions. We all have them!!
When I would get those strong urges like you describe, I would go read my past journal entries for a dose of reality. Or read my old posts here. Anything to snap my head back into accepting reality for what it really is.
And I'd be gentle with myself, have a good cry over the loss, take a hot bath or a long walk, or buy a new book to read, anything to self-soothe without acting on those emotions. It was hard, but over time, it got easier to manage and then I finally reached a point where I no longer have those feelings. So know that this too shall pass, in time. But right now, take good care of yourself. Posting here is a great outlet - don't feel stupid or silly for having irrational thoughts and emotions. We all have them!!
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I just want to give you a big hug right now.
I don't know what your marriage was like but I'm pretty sure if your kids say their father is a scumbag, it might have has some similarities with mine.
My AXH did everything to make me believe that nobody else would put up with me. That there were all these things wrong with me, but he loved me anyway (because he was so generous that way). But really, I was pretty worthless. Now, mind you, he didn't often say all of that, but he acted it out. At the end of our marriage, even though I knew in my rational mind that he was wrong, I FELT like he was right.
What is that saying - "the hell I know is more comfortable than the hell I don't?" - and the fallacy with that quote is assuming that there's no other option - like one that isn't hell....
Keep taking care of yourself. It is hard to dare accept that the person you want to get back together with doesn't exist other than in your head. But it's the truth.
I don't know what your marriage was like but I'm pretty sure if your kids say their father is a scumbag, it might have has some similarities with mine.
My AXH did everything to make me believe that nobody else would put up with me. That there were all these things wrong with me, but he loved me anyway (because he was so generous that way). But really, I was pretty worthless. Now, mind you, he didn't often say all of that, but he acted it out. At the end of our marriage, even though I knew in my rational mind that he was wrong, I FELT like he was right.
What is that saying - "the hell I know is more comfortable than the hell I don't?" - and the fallacy with that quote is assuming that there's no other option - like one that isn't hell....
Keep taking care of yourself. It is hard to dare accept that the person you want to get back together with doesn't exist other than in your head. But it's the truth.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You are perfectly normal. Try not to beat yourself up about it -- judging ourselves only adds to the cycle and makes us feel like we deserve less -- a lot less -- than we really do.
CR995, I can't remember if you have a therapist or not. If not, I cannot recommend one-on-one counseling enough. It was the single greatest gift I ever gave myself -- and I did it when I was in an emotional place just like the one you are in now. I entered in crisis mode and my therapist helped me navigate that. After the crisis we dug deep into why I felt I didn't deserve the same kind of happy and fulfilling relationships I saw others enjoying. It took time. It hurt. It was frustrating. It was worth it.
You are worth more than what you want right this second. Sending you strength, courage, and patience.
CR995, I can't remember if you have a therapist or not. If not, I cannot recommend one-on-one counseling enough. It was the single greatest gift I ever gave myself -- and I did it when I was in an emotional place just like the one you are in now. I entered in crisis mode and my therapist helped me navigate that. After the crisis we dug deep into why I felt I didn't deserve the same kind of happy and fulfilling relationships I saw others enjoying. It took time. It hurt. It was frustrating. It was worth it.
You are worth more than what you want right this second. Sending you strength, courage, and patience.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 71
I used to feel this way.
What helped me move on was remembering what I had been through. Yes, he's moved on. He's moved on to someone who gets to deal with his alcoholic BS. Don't be mad... be glad it's not you anymore!
My ex used to tell me how I was nothing and would never be anything. One day, I looked at my life and looked as his. I had a loving extended family, he didn't. We had both traveled the world. Mine were happier travels though. We both worked very hard, but my job has incredible advancement opportunities for me. He's advanced as far in his job as he's gonna make it. He was always bringing up money. While at this moment, he does earn a higher wage than me (and not by much either); that won't be the case in six months or a year.
See, after I allowed myself to grieve (as you are doing and as you should), I took another personal inventory. I'm not perfect by any means, but I deserve better than that crap. Better than him. Since then, I've got a new apartment, car, job and lease on life. Why do we based our success and failures on an alcoholic that wants us to be as miserable as he is?
My ex told me after we broke up that he'll never be truly happy again. He didn't care about the woman he left me for. He even cried a time or two (this coming from a man that claimed he didn't cry when his mother died). He's pathetic and miserable. Why do I need that dragging me down?
Take a deep breath. Indulge yourself in your favorite things. Take some time and do a hobby. Go out to eat. Go get a mani/pedi. Stay in and have a movie night. Whatever it is, do it. I promise that our exes don't care as much about us as we do about them. It's not easy (I have relapsed on this more than once, as lately as last week)... but I promise it's worthwhile. In leaving me, my ex gave me one of the greatest gifts I've ever received.
What helped me move on was remembering what I had been through. Yes, he's moved on. He's moved on to someone who gets to deal with his alcoholic BS. Don't be mad... be glad it's not you anymore!
My ex used to tell me how I was nothing and would never be anything. One day, I looked at my life and looked as his. I had a loving extended family, he didn't. We had both traveled the world. Mine were happier travels though. We both worked very hard, but my job has incredible advancement opportunities for me. He's advanced as far in his job as he's gonna make it. He was always bringing up money. While at this moment, he does earn a higher wage than me (and not by much either); that won't be the case in six months or a year.
See, after I allowed myself to grieve (as you are doing and as you should), I took another personal inventory. I'm not perfect by any means, but I deserve better than that crap. Better than him. Since then, I've got a new apartment, car, job and lease on life. Why do we based our success and failures on an alcoholic that wants us to be as miserable as he is?
My ex told me after we broke up that he'll never be truly happy again. He didn't care about the woman he left me for. He even cried a time or two (this coming from a man that claimed he didn't cry when his mother died). He's pathetic and miserable. Why do I need that dragging me down?
Take a deep breath. Indulge yourself in your favorite things. Take some time and do a hobby. Go out to eat. Go get a mani/pedi. Stay in and have a movie night. Whatever it is, do it. I promise that our exes don't care as much about us as we do about them. It's not easy (I have relapsed on this more than once, as lately as last week)... but I promise it's worthwhile. In leaving me, my ex gave me one of the greatest gifts I've ever received.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
I have been offered some free one-to-one counselling with Women's Aid - I think I'd better return their call first thing tomorrow.
yes Lexie - I want him to want me- and am hurt because he last said that during our 27 years of marriage he never wanted me and had little interest in me. I am - or will be soon thankfull to this board for preventing me from humiliating myself further. Though I can't see anything clear now.
I have to stop buying in to what he's putting about - that he has stopped drinking cold turkey and its working and is so happy with new gf, living in my house - its like rubbing salt in my wounds but my brain , my body feels like its going to explode today, depite signing those divorce papers so calmly yesterday, I feel so ashamed, it's like its burning me.
I noticed that recently I have been taken advantage by my family so am setting up boundaries - since then they have not come near me, but i am lonely - the only contact i have is this board and alanon, i have an event - one a day with my sponsor and an alanon friend over the next three evenings. it's like after taking the damaging things away i have nobody left. hurts - alot. I cant wait to be where you guys are.
yes Lexie - I want him to want me- and am hurt because he last said that during our 27 years of marriage he never wanted me and had little interest in me. I am - or will be soon thankfull to this board for preventing me from humiliating myself further. Though I can't see anything clear now.
I have to stop buying in to what he's putting about - that he has stopped drinking cold turkey and its working and is so happy with new gf, living in my house - its like rubbing salt in my wounds but my brain , my body feels like its going to explode today, depite signing those divorce papers so calmly yesterday, I feel so ashamed, it's like its burning me.
I noticed that recently I have been taken advantage by my family so am setting up boundaries - since then they have not come near me, but i am lonely - the only contact i have is this board and alanon, i have an event - one a day with my sponsor and an alanon friend over the next three evenings. it's like after taking the damaging things away i have nobody left. hurts - alot. I cant wait to be where you guys are.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
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I can still totally relate sadly. I'm over 2 years no contact.
((hugs))
Have you heard of betrayal (traumatic) bonding?
There are some good books about it (one by Susan Anderson).
For me it feels like some wires are crossed inside my brain.
Pain is pleasure? I have no idea how to put it into words.
Please know that you are not alone. The tool that helps me most
is knowing that the feelings will pass. I keep repeating- the change
the things I can...I do not follow through with contact when the
"urge" presents itself. You are very brave to write about it. Maybe
the accountability will help? Keep posting when you feel the urge
and we'll help you through!
((hugs))
Have you heard of betrayal (traumatic) bonding?
There are some good books about it (one by Susan Anderson).
For me it feels like some wires are crossed inside my brain.
Pain is pleasure? I have no idea how to put it into words.
Please know that you are not alone. The tool that helps me most
is knowing that the feelings will pass. I keep repeating- the change
the things I can...I do not follow through with contact when the
"urge" presents itself. You are very brave to write about it. Maybe
the accountability will help? Keep posting when you feel the urge
and we'll help you through!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by cr995 
yes the usual - he abuses me and hangs up on me generally - which is why i feel so ashamed and worthless even thinking about it. I know the reality - its like I am just - mad.
This was the biggest thing that I had to work through. My ex did the same thing, if he even answered the phone. It made me feel like I didn't exist, like I had duct tape on my mouth and couldn't speak. And I would just keep thinking to myself, if you could just listen to me, we could work things out.
I was so desperate to feel like I existed to him. I wanted him to see "me". He wasn't capable of this. He was stuck in his own selfishness and misery. He NEEDED to blame me for everything to feel somewhat OK with himself. I realized that would never stop.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
God, I love you guys. I was sitting on the couch last night thinking how nice it used to feel with STBXAH next to me. I indulged in the fantasy for a few minutes before I remembered what it was actually like, and then I felt sad and lonely.
The real story, though, is that I'm experiencing a lot of stress at work and with family and need to be paying attention to my self-care.
Some therapist from way back said we usually have a few "files" we pick from when we're feeling down to explain the presence of the lonelieness and depression. Mine are, I'm Fat (which isn't even true), Nobody Loves Me (not true), If Only, My Mom Didn't Love Me (not true), I'm Alone (not true). But if I'm out of whack and poring over any one of those files, god forbid you try to tell me none of that is true. The depressive brain has taken over and I'm in the spiral of nobody loves me, I'm not worthy, and I can't even [fill in the blank].
We've all got different files we pull when we're down. I'm betting this is your file, and if you take care of the depressive root at the issue that you won't feel obligated to pull this file anymore.
The real story, though, is that I'm experiencing a lot of stress at work and with family and need to be paying attention to my self-care.
Some therapist from way back said we usually have a few "files" we pick from when we're feeling down to explain the presence of the lonelieness and depression. Mine are, I'm Fat (which isn't even true), Nobody Loves Me (not true), If Only, My Mom Didn't Love Me (not true), I'm Alone (not true). But if I'm out of whack and poring over any one of those files, god forbid you try to tell me none of that is true. The depressive brain has taken over and I'm in the spiral of nobody loves me, I'm not worthy, and I can't even [fill in the blank].
We've all got different files we pull when we're down. I'm betting this is your file, and if you take care of the depressive root at the issue that you won't feel obligated to pull this file anymore.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
I would do anything at this moment to get back with the A.
You would do anything to get back the good times. Remember the whole experience.
...(He) is still active and wants me out of his life FOREVER.
He wants to drink without being held accountable forever.
Yet I have this strong intense feeling that the only thing that will stop this panicking desperate feeling of abandonment and betrayal is him taking me back and me being SORRY…
He abandoned himself. He betrayed himself. You don't have to be sorry for his actions.
I am at a loss when my daughter who loves her dad tells me he is a scumbag and my son says how many times do you need to get burnt before you stop putting your hand on the fire.
Sounds like they are very concerned for your well-being.
I have not emailed him, I have not phoned him but it's ALL I want to do.
Will it be to relieve his pain, or yours?
What the f*** is wrong with me!?
You are in pain. You have been hurt. You want that pain to go away.
...........
I hope I have not come across as harsh. Please know I say this with compassion, caring. When/if the day comes that I leave, I know I will likely need to be reminded of a few things as well.
Wishing you peace. Hugs.
You would do anything to get back the good times. Remember the whole experience.
...(He) is still active and wants me out of his life FOREVER.
He wants to drink without being held accountable forever.
Yet I have this strong intense feeling that the only thing that will stop this panicking desperate feeling of abandonment and betrayal is him taking me back and me being SORRY…
He abandoned himself. He betrayed himself. You don't have to be sorry for his actions.
I am at a loss when my daughter who loves her dad tells me he is a scumbag and my son says how many times do you need to get burnt before you stop putting your hand on the fire.
Sounds like they are very concerned for your well-being.
I have not emailed him, I have not phoned him but it's ALL I want to do.
Will it be to relieve his pain, or yours?
What the f*** is wrong with me!?
You are in pain. You have been hurt. You want that pain to go away.
...........
I hope I have not come across as harsh. Please know I say this with compassion, caring. When/if the day comes that I leave, I know I will likely need to be reminded of a few things as well.
Wishing you peace. Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
It is a shock to think that he has actually started to divorce me and will probably marry this girl he is with - and quite soon - even if its just to prove that he can.
He is from western europe and living in eastern europe where people are poor and he loves this. it makes him feel like a vip and the way he was treating people was - i found embarassing when i was with him.
I feel so bad now that even the thought of him being angry or ill treating his gf makes me jealous.
I read a book a while ago about a young girl who was kidnapped and badly ill treated - after a while the kidnapper took a new victim and told the girl the new girl was better than her and he would be sexually abusing the new one instead because he was fed up of girl number one who was ugly and boring , so he would be giving all his sick attention to girl number 2. She said she felt really hurt and rejected. To be honest I don't think I'm much better.
He is from western europe and living in eastern europe where people are poor and he loves this. it makes him feel like a vip and the way he was treating people was - i found embarassing when i was with him.
I feel so bad now that even the thought of him being angry or ill treating his gf makes me jealous.
I read a book a while ago about a young girl who was kidnapped and badly ill treated - after a while the kidnapper took a new victim and told the girl the new girl was better than her and he would be sexually abusing the new one instead because he was fed up of girl number one who was ugly and boring , so he would be giving all his sick attention to girl number 2. She said she felt really hurt and rejected. To be honest I don't think I'm much better.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by cr995
I read a book a while ago about a young girl who was kidnapped and badly ill treated - after a while the kidnapper took a new victim and told the girl the new girl was better than her and he would be sexually abusing the new one instead because he was fed up of girl number one who was ugly and boring , so he would be giving all his sick attention to girl number 2. She said she felt really hurt and rejected. To be honest I don't think I'm much better.
Living with an alcoholic can make us pretty sick. But we can recover, and we DO recover. Think of yourself as having a physical condition that requires treatment. The treatment is quite effective, but you may continue to feel crappy for a while until the medicine has a chance to work.
Same thing. My bet is that if you work on your recovery you will make progress and in a year or so you will look back on this time and be amazed at how much better you feel and how far you will have come.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
It's called Stockholm Syndrome. You develop an attachment to your abuser because no matter how bad they treat you, they leave you crumbs once in awhile to keep you hooked. You look to the person that is hurting you to make you feel better. Then when they totally reject, you really can't understand that.
I've been through that.
I've been through that.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
cr995, ((((hugs))))
First of all it does get better. I felt like you did as well but with working my program and meditation and the time away from her I started to heal.
A tool I used that helped me alot was every morning I would get up and write in my journal over and over again, I am enough just as I am.
Once I really started to believe that I didn't feel the need to fill the hole that was in me with my AW. If fact after a while I noticed that the hole wasn't even there any more.
I am enough just as I am.
Keep posting here, you are on the right path and it will get better.
Your friend,
First of all it does get better. I felt like you did as well but with working my program and meditation and the time away from her I started to heal.
A tool I used that helped me alot was every morning I would get up and write in my journal over and over again, I am enough just as I am.
Once I really started to believe that I didn't feel the need to fill the hole that was in me with my AW. If fact after a while I noticed that the hole wasn't even there any more.
I am enough just as I am.
Keep posting here, you are on the right path and it will get better.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
One way I was able to get over the urge to call or e-mail him, was that I saved my e-mails and voice mails from him. I had also bought a tape recorder and recorder the fights.
Whenever an urge came upon me, and I needed to here his voice, I played these messages, I read the e-mails, I played the tapes. This went on for at least 6 months. Thing is once I heard his angry voice, I knew what I would hear on the phone call that I wanted to make, and it stopped me cold.
I still to this day have all of them, but if I even think of listening to them, or reading them, I just shudder, and say "What was I thinking"? (lol)
I have a lot of empathy for you, you see I was married for 27 1/2 years. I couldn't even imagine a different life, h3ll, I couldn't even see a future. I was living only one day at a time, no plans, no future, nothing to look forward to, just get through that day.
I would be glad for night time, and curse the new morning.
((((((((((more hugs))))))))))))
Whenever an urge came upon me, and I needed to here his voice, I played these messages, I read the e-mails, I played the tapes. This went on for at least 6 months. Thing is once I heard his angry voice, I knew what I would hear on the phone call that I wanted to make, and it stopped me cold.
I still to this day have all of them, but if I even think of listening to them, or reading them, I just shudder, and say "What was I thinking"? (lol)
I have a lot of empathy for you, you see I was married for 27 1/2 years. I couldn't even imagine a different life, h3ll, I couldn't even see a future. I was living only one day at a time, no plans, no future, nothing to look forward to, just get through that day.
I would be glad for night time, and curse the new morning.
((((((((((more hugs))))))))))))
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