Desperate to get back with the A
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I am not saying I am wanting or looking forward to a reunion, quite the opposite in fact.
I dont't think I could ever open myself to all that possibility of pain again after doing such hard recovery work.
That was just their story.
As far as AH goes I sometimes think that in his denial I get that alcoholism is WAY bigger than him, but he doesn't. And I said this to him a few times but yes it's going to take me a while to accept that I have been/am dealing with a lunatic and act accordingly.
I did once have a life so I should be able to have one again - I think/hope.
I dont't think I could ever open myself to all that possibility of pain again after doing such hard recovery work.
That was just their story.
As far as AH goes I sometimes think that in his denial I get that alcoholism is WAY bigger than him, but he doesn't. And I said this to him a few times but yes it's going to take me a while to accept that I have been/am dealing with a lunatic and act accordingly.
I did once have a life so I should be able to have one again - I think/hope.
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That hurts me so much - the first time I saw it in writing it was from a female friend of his who couldn't wait to start referring to me as the ex - within weeks! And him - the only way he could refer to me at our daughers wedding was to call me the bride's mother. I really just want to say we are in fact still married and not yet divorced. I have focused on why and its the idea of him as my Ex - and I get upset with everybody who refers to him as such, so I have come up with something that works for me. No he is nothing to me we ran into each other a couple of times in the 1980's and I think we MIGHT have taken a class together in school.
I don't know why that sounds so much better to me but it does.
I don't know why that sounds so much better to me but it does.
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You might be right. It could just be a name game.
I suppose *the alcoholic father of the children* would be a fitting title?
TAFOTC for short. That is what we would do in the Military or Defense Contracting.
Then you could just go "TAFOTC Remediation Services" for yourself instead of Alanon.
Just trying to help.
I suppose *the alcoholic father of the children* would be a fitting title?
TAFOTC for short. That is what we would do in the Military or Defense Contracting.
Then you could just go "TAFOTC Remediation Services" for yourself instead of Alanon.
Just trying to help.
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Heh,
I have an EXTREMELY friendly divorce from my first husband (kiddos' dad). We are still very good friends and I stay with him and his wife (who is a totally awesome person) when I go visit my kids.
A couple of years ago at Christmas, they brought me with them to a little potluck party one of his sponsees was having to celebrate an anniversary. We were going through the food line, and he introduced his wife to someone she hadn't met, "This is my wife, C." I then shook the guy's hand and said, "I'm Lexie, and I'm the mother of X's children." We all cracked up at the befuddled look on the guy's face.
"Ex" isn't a scarlet letter, and it doesn't mean your relationship was meaningless. It does mean, however, that it is over. Once meaningful relationships sometimes end. It's part of life, for many, many people. I'd say most people in our society have had at least one heartbreaking breakup in their lives. Accepting the end of those relationships is what allows us to move on.
I have an EXTREMELY friendly divorce from my first husband (kiddos' dad). We are still very good friends and I stay with him and his wife (who is a totally awesome person) when I go visit my kids.
A couple of years ago at Christmas, they brought me with them to a little potluck party one of his sponsees was having to celebrate an anniversary. We were going through the food line, and he introduced his wife to someone she hadn't met, "This is my wife, C." I then shook the guy's hand and said, "I'm Lexie, and I'm the mother of X's children." We all cracked up at the befuddled look on the guy's face.
"Ex" isn't a scarlet letter, and it doesn't mean your relationship was meaningless. It does mean, however, that it is over. Once meaningful relationships sometimes end. It's part of life, for many, many people. I'd say most people in our society have had at least one heartbreaking breakup in their lives. Accepting the end of those relationships is what allows us to move on.
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Accepting that it is over?
I don't want it to be over. I never wanted that - yes I have a problem.
I accept that we are not going to be seeing each other anymore, that we are no longer going to be married. But the relationship that was between us when he was sober and had not just binged never ever changed right up till the last time I saw him. Our last meeting before I left, was to spend 4 days together, hold hands on the couch watching tv, sleep together and eat together - living closely with each other. He always came in to the kitchen to kiss me while I made dinner and put his arm round me.
Now when he was drunk - different story he was horrid. The other 3 days of that week - he was horrid and like a different person.
All this stopped abruptly as soon as I said - I can't take this anymore the drinking won.
I don't know where that leaves me or even what I'm trying to say. Even at those times during my daughers wedding when he was blanking me - his body language never changed from it always was, he wants to be where I am and will be as close to where i am as possible. The last time we separated he did admit that he had to tell me he was fine without me and was protecting himself from enjoying himself to much with me.
Now its not the same thing but I dont think if he had a brain tumor that was causing this breakup it would be said - oh he has a tumor so the relationship has ended.
I hope I'm making sense.
That being said I do know that I will be better off away from him and eventually I might even be happy again alone or with somebody else.
Unlike the situation with your ex-husband , neither one of us did not want the relationship or the marriage it was just - well not just but the awful behaviours that wer brought about by the drinking.
I'm not saying it was all perfect but normal arguments not affected by booze or other problems came up and we argued but nothing like the arguements brough about by drunken behaviour/thinking.
Maybe I am deluded - I thought moving on was a positive thing. But I don't think he has moved on at all. All he is doing is having a great pretend life and as far as I can see isolating from new gf every so often to get blind drunk. And unable to deal with his feelings - now I know I cant wait for him.
I don't know where I fit in. If you leave someone to survive yes I guess you have to move on, as I am trying. Oh I'm going round in circles I'll stop now.
I don't want it to be over. I never wanted that - yes I have a problem.
I accept that we are not going to be seeing each other anymore, that we are no longer going to be married. But the relationship that was between us when he was sober and had not just binged never ever changed right up till the last time I saw him. Our last meeting before I left, was to spend 4 days together, hold hands on the couch watching tv, sleep together and eat together - living closely with each other. He always came in to the kitchen to kiss me while I made dinner and put his arm round me.
Now when he was drunk - different story he was horrid. The other 3 days of that week - he was horrid and like a different person.
All this stopped abruptly as soon as I said - I can't take this anymore the drinking won.
I don't know where that leaves me or even what I'm trying to say. Even at those times during my daughers wedding when he was blanking me - his body language never changed from it always was, he wants to be where I am and will be as close to where i am as possible. The last time we separated he did admit that he had to tell me he was fine without me and was protecting himself from enjoying himself to much with me.
Now its not the same thing but I dont think if he had a brain tumor that was causing this breakup it would be said - oh he has a tumor so the relationship has ended.
I hope I'm making sense.
That being said I do know that I will be better off away from him and eventually I might even be happy again alone or with somebody else.
Unlike the situation with your ex-husband , neither one of us did not want the relationship or the marriage it was just - well not just but the awful behaviours that wer brought about by the drinking.
I'm not saying it was all perfect but normal arguments not affected by booze or other problems came up and we argued but nothing like the arguements brough about by drunken behaviour/thinking.
Maybe I am deluded - I thought moving on was a positive thing. But I don't think he has moved on at all. All he is doing is having a great pretend life and as far as I can see isolating from new gf every so often to get blind drunk. And unable to deal with his feelings - now I know I cant wait for him.
I don't know where I fit in. If you leave someone to survive yes I guess you have to move on, as I am trying. Oh I'm going round in circles I'll stop now.
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You are not moving on, and you can't until you accept that it's over. You left, he took you up on the offer to leave. Obviously, you thought he would change in order to "win you back." Well, he hasn't, and he isn't. And THAT is where you are getting hung up. You are analyzing what he is thinking, feeling, WHY he isn't changing so he can win you back.
He would rather drink. You can't accept him that way, and you can't accept his refusal to change. ALL of your unhappiness is based upon your refusal to accept that he is what he is, and that he won't change to suit you.
I would suggest that you focus as much of your recovery energy right now, starting right this minute, on accepting those truths. That's what it means in Step One to be powerless over alcohol. That's what it means about having a life that is unmanageable. It boils down to a refusal to accept the reality that you do not like, didn't want, didn't ask for.
NONE of us asked for an alcoholic spouse or partner. And we sure didn't ask to be treated the way that we were being treated. All we wanted was for them to CHANGE. But we were powerless to control them, or their alcoholism. The only way any of us were able to live a happy life was to ACCEPT the reality in front of us, and to change the only thing within our power to change--ourselves and our attitudes.
He would rather drink. You can't accept him that way, and you can't accept his refusal to change. ALL of your unhappiness is based upon your refusal to accept that he is what he is, and that he won't change to suit you.
I would suggest that you focus as much of your recovery energy right now, starting right this minute, on accepting those truths. That's what it means in Step One to be powerless over alcohol. That's what it means about having a life that is unmanageable. It boils down to a refusal to accept the reality that you do not like, didn't want, didn't ask for.
NONE of us asked for an alcoholic spouse or partner. And we sure didn't ask to be treated the way that we were being treated. All we wanted was for them to CHANGE. But we were powerless to control them, or their alcoholism. The only way any of us were able to live a happy life was to ACCEPT the reality in front of us, and to change the only thing within our power to change--ourselves and our attitudes.
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HOW long ago did you leave? wasn't it 2.5 YEARS ago? or do i have that wrong? and since then he asked for a divorce, filed for divorce and has a new gf.
and yet you tell yourself HE hasn't moved on, he still WANTS you, etc etc. what exactly in the silent treatment, nasty emails, divorce papers and new GF tells you that?
this is where it starts to feel like talking the drunk out of drinking when they have NO intention to do so. you seem to want to stay stuck, you do not want to accept it's over. you still believe that any day now he's gonna show up on the doorstep with flowers and an apology.
which is all very much certainly your right to do so. wishing you well.
and yet you tell yourself HE hasn't moved on, he still WANTS you, etc etc. what exactly in the silent treatment, nasty emails, divorce papers and new GF tells you that?
this is where it starts to feel like talking the drunk out of drinking when they have NO intention to do so. you seem to want to stay stuck, you do not want to accept it's over. you still believe that any day now he's gonna show up on the doorstep with flowers and an apology.
which is all very much certainly your right to do so. wishing you well.
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cr, I think you are still in the process of accepting that the relationship is over---but, you are not all the way there, yet. Eventually, you will be. It gets easier after you accept it.
This is not easy. I don't know anyone who would ever say that it is easy.
Perhaps instead of "Ex", the word "Former" would seem more palatable.
dandylion
This is not easy. I don't know anyone who would ever say that it is easy.
Perhaps instead of "Ex", the word "Former" would seem more palatable.
dandylion
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Location: Waterford MI
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Maybe I am deluded - I thought moving on was a positive thing. But I don't think he has moved on at all. All he is doing is having a great pretend life and as far as I can see isolating from new gf every so often to get blind drunk. And unable to deal with his feelings - now I know I cant wait for him.
Everything after that sentence is about him.
Have you started talking to a therapist cr995?
You have a life to live!
You have to write, please do that.
It is heartbreaking that someone who has talent,
someone who has so much to give to this world,
is sitting anxiously waiting for her ex to do something different.
He has moved on.
You hang on to things that happened before you separated and divorced.
Please get some help to let go.
Recreating your marriage, good and bad is not helping you.
It is holding you, chained to past.
He is getting blind drunk, living a pretend life and isolating from the gf.
He is living his life. His choices. His gf's choices.
No, you can't wait for him, and in my opinion,
your waiting is wasting your life.
I don't know where I fit in. If you leave someone to survive yes I guess you have to move on, as I am trying. Oh I'm going round in circles I'll stop now.
Not knowing where you fit in? I understand that too.
Keep working on you and your life.
It will come.
Beth
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
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Cr, he has moved on. His life isn't a pretend life, to him it's real. He has a gf, a place to drink till he's blind drunk, no responsibilities. In his mind he's probably in heaven.
So, the ball's in your court, what do you want to do, get better or keep drowning in suffering of your own making?
Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Your friend,
So, the ball's in your court, what do you want to do, get better or keep drowning in suffering of your own making?
Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Your friend,
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[QUOTE=cr995;4094266]That hurts me so much - the first time I saw it in writing it was from a female friend of his who couldn't wait to start referring to me as the ex - within weeks! And him - the only way he could refer to me at our daughers wedding was to call me the bride's mother. I really just want to say we are in fact still married and not yet divorced. I have focused on why and its the idea of him as my Ex - and I get upset with everybody who refers to him as such, so I have come up with something that works for me. No he is nothing to me we ran into each other a couple of times in the 1980's and I think we MIGHT have taken a class together in school.
I don't know why that sounds so much better to me but it does.[/QUOTE
cr, I had totally a different reaction to this. We were in the middle of the divorce, things were getting really ugly. He sold the house, I couldn't even go there to get the things that I wanted. It was just impossible. Sure the law would have allowed me to, but I couldn't. He took or got rid of all the furniture. Actually almost all the contents of the house.
So I had to show up at the closing for the house. Here he was trying to be pleasant with the buyers, and he called me his "wife".
!!!!!!!! Well I just wanted to fly across that table and rip his throat and say "STBX, STBX, STBX, don't you get it????? Not your wife. That's why we are selling our house and you got rid of or destroyed all of our possessions, don't you ever call me your wife again". 
I didn't I just sat there and smiled
I think that was when I knew everything was over, and that I could start to relax, (No more monsters in my head !!!!!!). It was over.
I don't know why that sounds so much better to me but it does.[/QUOTE
cr, I had totally a different reaction to this. We were in the middle of the divorce, things were getting really ugly. He sold the house, I couldn't even go there to get the things that I wanted. It was just impossible. Sure the law would have allowed me to, but I couldn't. He took or got rid of all the furniture. Actually almost all the contents of the house.
So I had to show up at the closing for the house. Here he was trying to be pleasant with the buyers, and he called me his "wife".
!!!!!!!! Well I just wanted to fly across that table and rip his throat and say "STBX, STBX, STBX, don't you get it????? Not your wife. That's why we are selling our house and you got rid of or destroyed all of our possessions, don't you ever call me your wife again". I didn't I just sat there and smiled
I think that was when I knew everything was over, and that I could start to relax, (No more monsters in my head !!!!!!). It was over.
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You are not moving on, and you can't until you accept that it's over.
"I see dead relationships. The people just do not know they are dead."
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I left him on the 3 of december 2011 - so yes just over 1.5 years.
I think its hard to let go because its been 'over' before so many times. We have been separated/lived apart for 2 years when my daughter was born and again for about 1.5 years from 2004 till the end of 2005 - so almost 2 years.
The difference is that he has filed for divorce. I am the one who started a divorce the last time then called it off.
The best I can do is accept that it is his choice to do what he is doing now. It is confusing when people say oh and A's brain is hijacked and he is a lunatic bla bla.
My daughter accepted this much earlier than me - she said you have to get it into your head that he doesn't care about you or me or her brother - he just wants to go abroad and drink.
In that case it was over as soon as he asked for the money to buy the house in 2006 because he told me his intention was to go and live there by HIMSELF. I just did not want to hear it.
I find it very hard to get my head round and that was 7 years ago and it is exactly what he is doing.
Actually a part of me knows he only came back for that 'lets try again' to get the money - and I gave it to him.
I think its hard to let go because its been 'over' before so many times. We have been separated/lived apart for 2 years when my daughter was born and again for about 1.5 years from 2004 till the end of 2005 - so almost 2 years.
The difference is that he has filed for divorce. I am the one who started a divorce the last time then called it off.
The best I can do is accept that it is his choice to do what he is doing now. It is confusing when people say oh and A's brain is hijacked and he is a lunatic bla bla.
My daughter accepted this much earlier than me - she said you have to get it into your head that he doesn't care about you or me or her brother - he just wants to go abroad and drink.
In that case it was over as soon as he asked for the money to buy the house in 2006 because he told me his intention was to go and live there by HIMSELF. I just did not want to hear it.
I find it very hard to get my head round and that was 7 years ago and it is exactly what he is doing.
Actually a part of me knows he only came back for that 'lets try again' to get the money - and I gave it to him.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
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CR, it sounds like you are asking someone what to do so here goes,
Let go, you are clinging to, as Hammer would put it, the ghost of a relationship. There is no relationship if you are the only one participating.
I really understand what you are going through, I went through similar things with my alcoholic wife. I also know that the person who put the most into the relationship has the hardest time letting go because they have the most to lose.
I can say from experience, once you let go you can begin to heal. It's not quick, it's not easy but it does get better.
Your friend,
Let go, you are clinging to, as Hammer would put it, the ghost of a relationship. There is no relationship if you are the only one participating.
I really understand what you are going through, I went through similar things with my alcoholic wife. I also know that the person who put the most into the relationship has the hardest time letting go because they have the most to lose.
I can say from experience, once you let go you can begin to heal. It's not quick, it's not easy but it does get better.
Your friend,
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cr, I'm working on acceptance and letting go, this is very much like recovery, not a straight line more like ups and downs. I had contact with my ex over the weekend, yes it caused me more pain but its as if every time I go back facing reality comes closer. I still can't accept that it is over, wish I could but I don't think it's going to happen overnight. I've had an ok day had dinner with all the family which occupied my mind. He said he would call me tonight but I know that is not the solution to this whole mess....the solution lies with me, he'll keep coming back as long as I allow him too. I'm working on that one.
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Thanks for all the replies.
It is not a straight line that's true - I think I read in the recovery books that we cycle through the stages over and over again denial, sadness, depression etc - you know what -its true.
The shocking thing is I thought I was DONE with the denial stage - I didn't expect to go back into it again.
But anyway one year ago I would never have dreamed that I would have been where I am today and there's no doubt in my mind that where I am today is better - even if I don't have that 'precious' wedding ring on my finger lol!
So one year from now I should feel even better.!
It is not a straight line that's true - I think I read in the recovery books that we cycle through the stages over and over again denial, sadness, depression etc - you know what -its true.
The shocking thing is I thought I was DONE with the denial stage - I didn't expect to go back into it again.
But anyway one year ago I would never have dreamed that I would have been where I am today and there's no doubt in my mind that where I am today is better - even if I don't have that 'precious' wedding ring on my finger lol!
So one year from now I should feel even better.!
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I think I read in the recovery books that we cycle through the stages over and over again denial, sadness, depression etc - you know what -its true.
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Cr-
I am struck in one of your posts, that the being seperarate is not over, but letting go of the sober person he once was is.
The sober individual you care for so much is not half of a complete whole when you add in who his is with alcohol....but he is the same person.
My head knew the above way ahead of my heart. For me it was not about the divorce or the seperation, but realizing that I was powerless over his alcohol use (and people, places and things), but hardest for me was that I was powerless over his recovery or even the desire to get better.
I did a book called The Grief Recovery Book that really helped me to see how this brought up so much grief (old and new for me). It was really helpful....and it helped normalize that feeling denial, anger, depression cycle was normal...I was not a crazy person.
I am struck in one of your posts, that the being seperarate is not over, but letting go of the sober person he once was is.
The sober individual you care for so much is not half of a complete whole when you add in who his is with alcohol....but he is the same person.
My head knew the above way ahead of my heart. For me it was not about the divorce or the seperation, but realizing that I was powerless over his alcohol use (and people, places and things), but hardest for me was that I was powerless over his recovery or even the desire to get better.
I did a book called The Grief Recovery Book that really helped me to see how this brought up so much grief (old and new for me). It was really helpful....and it helped normalize that feeling denial, anger, depression cycle was normal...I was not a crazy person.
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