Desperate to get back with the A
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
cr995,
I've had the silent treatment. I do know how it affects you. My ex used to disappear for weeks, then months at a time. Wouldn't answer the phone, would withdraw cash to pay for things so that I didn't know where he was.
Yes, it is horrible. It was so horrible, that I would actually be happy when he raged at me, because at least I felt like he knew I existed.
Guess one of the hardest things I had to handle with this was that he has a gf now. And I wonder if he is treating her the same way.
I know longer care if he is or he isn't. I'll just assume he is, because that is what they do. It wasn't me, and it wasn't you. It was them. This is who they are. Once they get close to someone, they push them away, and they blame all of their problems on you. It doesn't get better, it only gets worse. It is mental torture, I'll agree with that, but I was the one beating up myself. I felt it was about me, but it wasn't, it was about him.
And yes, I have had a lot of therapy to deal with this. (lol)
I've had the silent treatment. I do know how it affects you. My ex used to disappear for weeks, then months at a time. Wouldn't answer the phone, would withdraw cash to pay for things so that I didn't know where he was.
Yes, it is horrible. It was so horrible, that I would actually be happy when he raged at me, because at least I felt like he knew I existed.
Guess one of the hardest things I had to handle with this was that he has a gf now. And I wonder if he is treating her the same way.
I know longer care if he is or he isn't. I'll just assume he is, because that is what they do. It wasn't me, and it wasn't you. It was them. This is who they are. Once they get close to someone, they push them away, and they blame all of their problems on you. It doesn't get better, it only gets worse. It is mental torture, I'll agree with that, but I was the one beating up myself. I felt it was about me, but it wasn't, it was about him.
And yes, I have had a lot of therapy to deal with this. (lol)
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
cr, I know exactly where you are, I know what you are feeling. I was there, in the depths of that abyss. A big black hole just sucking you in. I want to hold you and cry with you. Not though for what we lost, we didn't really lose anything, they weren't there to begin with.
I remember once trying to write up all the reasons that I was afraid to leave.
The list didn't go very well.
It was things like:
I never lived alone, but then I thought, isn't that what I am doing now when he disappears.
I'll be lonely ---- thought about this, yes I was by myself when he disappeared, but the loneliest I was, was when he was home.
I won't have help doing anything ----- well this one was easy, we just had a snowstorm, about 15 inches of snow in my driveway, and my snow blower didn't work. Ex had disappeared again. So I had to research this and change my auger belt on the snow blower.
Try making a list and seeing how many negatives there are, and if there even were any positives.
What you are going through is maybe in a way to get back your identity. After the silent treatment, you feel like you didn't exist, you weren't heard, you weren't wanted, so really who are you?
Maybe ask your children that one. Your children do seem to support you.
After licking my wounds for a really long time, I purchased a house 4 months after the divorce. Couldn't do it sooner, the money was tied up in the divorce.
I got a foreclosure that needed a lot of fixing up. Well, I thought that was perfect. This house has been neglected for so many years, and so have I. It was rough, but I'm almost there. But, I looked at it as the house and I were healing together. My house is beautiful (or will be soon) now, and so am I.
I met a lot of people going through this, and not one person has ignored me, or told me that I was worthless, or said to me "look at you, who can ever care about you". Not one of them. I made many friends. Even made friends with my contractors. Surprisingly, I now have someone that I can call when I need help, and if it is not major, if it is just like helping out with something too heavy for me, they don't charge me.
It will be OK, you will make it, and you always have us here.
I remember once trying to write up all the reasons that I was afraid to leave.
The list didn't go very well.
It was things like:
I never lived alone, but then I thought, isn't that what I am doing now when he disappears.
I'll be lonely ---- thought about this, yes I was by myself when he disappeared, but the loneliest I was, was when he was home.
I won't have help doing anything ----- well this one was easy, we just had a snowstorm, about 15 inches of snow in my driveway, and my snow blower didn't work. Ex had disappeared again. So I had to research this and change my auger belt on the snow blower.
Try making a list and seeing how many negatives there are, and if there even were any positives.
What you are going through is maybe in a way to get back your identity. After the silent treatment, you feel like you didn't exist, you weren't heard, you weren't wanted, so really who are you?
Maybe ask your children that one. Your children do seem to support you.
After licking my wounds for a really long time, I purchased a house 4 months after the divorce. Couldn't do it sooner, the money was tied up in the divorce.
I got a foreclosure that needed a lot of fixing up. Well, I thought that was perfect. This house has been neglected for so many years, and so have I. It was rough, but I'm almost there. But, I looked at it as the house and I were healing together. My house is beautiful (or will be soon) now, and so am I.
I met a lot of people going through this, and not one person has ignored me, or told me that I was worthless, or said to me "look at you, who can ever care about you". Not one of them. I made many friends. Even made friends with my contractors. Surprisingly, I now have someone that I can call when I need help, and if it is not major, if it is just like helping out with something too heavy for me, they don't charge me.
It will be OK, you will make it, and you always have us here.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
cr, Thanks so much for posting this thread. I feel the same way. I received the silent treatment too and it sucks. I never saw it as being abusive but now I'm starting to rethink that.
I hate, hate, hate that feeling of being replaced. I keep telling myself that I deserve more than what he has to offer. Sometimes when I'm stuck thinking I want him I make a list of the qualities I want like honesty, respect, trust. His alcoholism has robbed him of those qualities.
I hate, hate, hate that feeling of being replaced. I keep telling myself that I deserve more than what he has to offer. Sometimes when I'm stuck thinking I want him I make a list of the qualities I want like honesty, respect, trust. His alcoholism has robbed him of those qualities.
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CR995 
The end of a marriage is a very painful time for anyone. Sending you many hugs and prayers for better days ahead!
When I was still living with my ex-husband, and he was having an affair, and he justified it with anger toward me because he did not want to feel so bad about himself he would:
not speak to me.
leave a room if I entered it.
not answer me if I asked him a question.
That is the silent treatment.
When we finally were living separately before the divorce because I had had enough of his disrespect and verbal and mental abuse, I did not return his calls, I did not return his e-mails, I never reached out to contact him.
That is no contact.
It sounds to me as though he went no contact with you (more or less) once you moved out (which sounds to me as though it was a sound decision on your part).
It also sounds to me as though you expected for him to see the light, become the man you wanted him to be, and then find you and woo you back.
It sounds as to me as though you believed somehow that if you just lived day-to-day and ignored the elephant in the room of your life that somehow this would all go away and you would not have to face how scary this all is....
It seems that way to me because that is how I felt about my own first marriage. I wanted it to be OK. I wanted him to be who I wanted him to be. Facing the reality of the situation was sooooo scary to me that all I could do was deal with day-to-day living and hope that somehow it would all work itself out. So I did nothing and let my ex-husband's actions direct the course of my life for close to 1 1/2 years.
It was really scary at first, but I finally decided to make all the decisions for my life and began to let my ex know what I was going to be doing and not merely reacting to what he was doing.
Sending you extra hugs of support! I hope that you will try to be good to yourself over the next few weeks and are able to get some sleep
The end of a marriage is a very painful time for anyone. Sending you many hugs and prayers for better days ahead!When I was still living with my ex-husband, and he was having an affair, and he justified it with anger toward me because he did not want to feel so bad about himself he would:
not speak to me.
leave a room if I entered it.
not answer me if I asked him a question.
That is the silent treatment.
When we finally were living separately before the divorce because I had had enough of his disrespect and verbal and mental abuse, I did not return his calls, I did not return his e-mails, I never reached out to contact him.
That is no contact.
It sounds to me as though he went no contact with you (more or less) once you moved out (which sounds to me as though it was a sound decision on your part).
It also sounds to me as though you expected for him to see the light, become the man you wanted him to be, and then find you and woo you back.
It sounds as to me as though you believed somehow that if you just lived day-to-day and ignored the elephant in the room of your life that somehow this would all go away and you would not have to face how scary this all is....
It seems that way to me because that is how I felt about my own first marriage. I wanted it to be OK. I wanted him to be who I wanted him to be. Facing the reality of the situation was sooooo scary to me that all I could do was deal with day-to-day living and hope that somehow it would all work itself out. So I did nothing and let my ex-husband's actions direct the course of my life for close to 1 1/2 years.
It was really scary at first, but I finally decided to make all the decisions for my life and began to let my ex know what I was going to be doing and not merely reacting to what he was doing.
Sending you extra hugs of support! I hope that you will try to be good to yourself over the next few weeks and are able to get some sleep
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Muskegon, Michigan
Posts: 131
Rejection sucks! Hurts so damn bad. Ive been through it twice now. I can say, this second time around has been easier than the first if that is any consolation. I wish I could take your pain away with mine. But we just go through it until it doesn't hurt anymore and one day...it wont. I know it wont. Because I did get through it once before. Took a long time but now, I wouldn't take that guy back in a million years. I feel sorry for the new girl. I know what she has to go through every day. This will happen for you too one day. I promise!!
I know I feel better when I have friends around me. Hope you have a good support system. Hugs to you.
I know I feel better when I have friends around me. Hope you have a good support system. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I agree with hg--not communicating post-separation is not the "silent treatment". It isn't the same as pointedly ignoring someone when they are right there sharing the same living space.
I'm not saying it isn't painful for you, but your pain is coming mostly from your own hopes that he would change. Once you really ACCEPT that he has not and will not change to suit you, you can move on from this chapter.
I'm not saying it isn't painful for you, but your pain is coming mostly from your own hopes that he would change. Once you really ACCEPT that he has not and will not change to suit you, you can move on from this chapter.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Lexie is totally right. One of the things I have learned in the course of my recovery is my happiness is not dependent on anyone else.
Be patient and give yourself time to grieve and heal.
Your friend,
Be patient and give yourself time to grieve and heal.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
cr.
Very interesting perspective.
Probably what the [RECOVERING] A goes through.
Took the liberty of swapping out your addiction for alcohol, just to see if it fits.
Yeah, it does sound like what I hear THEM say.
Sounds like an addiction thingy dealy to me. Just saying.
That you are figuring out you are quite powerless over it, seems a great thing to me. Puts you solid in Step 1.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over [insert your addiction here] ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Fun place to be sometimes, but no place to live . . . so there is always Step 2.
Step Two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Restoring to Sanity would probably be a Great Idea, at least sometime soon, huh?
You can do this. Don't worry, if it were easy, everybody would be doing it.
Very interesting perspective.
Probably what the [RECOVERING] A goes through.
Took the liberty of swapping out your addiction for alcohol, just to see if it fits.
Originally Posted by cr995 
I would do anything at this moment to get back with the ALCOHOL.
If I could crawl on my hands and knees in front of ALCOHOL and beg ALCOHOL to take me back - I would.!
If I could crawl on my hands and knees in front of ALCOHOL and beg ALCOHOL to take me back - I would.!
What the f*** is wrong with me!?
That you are figuring out you are quite powerless over it, seems a great thing to me. Puts you solid in Step 1.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over [insert your addiction here] ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Fun place to be sometimes, but no place to live . . . so there is always Step 2.
Step Two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Restoring to Sanity would probably be a Great Idea, at least sometime soon, huh?
You can do this. Don't worry, if it were easy, everybody would be doing it.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I too know the silent treatment game. But like the others have posted, I don't think what you have experienced is what I would call silent treatment in my own experience of it.
What jumped out to me this morning is this sentence you posted:
Are you feeling a need for closure, maybe? Some form of official ending that goes beyond ink on a legal document?
I know I did, and I got it, in a wayward form. About a month after my divorce, late one evening, I was thinking back to one phrase that my XAH said a lot during our divorce process. "...so we (or I) can be happy...", or a variation of this theme. As if divorce was going to bring happiness! So I sent a text. "Now that we are officially divorced, are you happier now?" His response was something like "my life is peaceful and purposeful now. Hope yours is the same". It made me laugh out loud. What ridiculousness! My life was purposeful before the divorce; definitely more peaceful with no contact from this guy now! I realized at that moment that I had all the closure I needed; I know my truth, I like myself and my life, and I made the right decisions all along.
I realized - again - that the guy I missed didn't exist. And I was better off without this chaos in my life.
Hope you find your closure. Often, it isn't as important to us as we think it is.
Peace,
~T
What jumped out to me this morning is this sentence you posted:
Silent treatment is a form of banishing someone from the abuser's existence without the benefit of closure or a good bye or a chance at reconciliation.
I know I did, and I got it, in a wayward form. About a month after my divorce, late one evening, I was thinking back to one phrase that my XAH said a lot during our divorce process. "...so we (or I) can be happy...", or a variation of this theme. As if divorce was going to bring happiness! So I sent a text. "Now that we are officially divorced, are you happier now?" His response was something like "my life is peaceful and purposeful now. Hope yours is the same". It made me laugh out loud. What ridiculousness! My life was purposeful before the divorce; definitely more peaceful with no contact from this guy now! I realized at that moment that I had all the closure I needed; I know my truth, I like myself and my life, and I made the right decisions all along.
I realized - again - that the guy I missed didn't exist. And I was better off without this chaos in my life.
Hope you find your closure. Often, it isn't as important to us as we think it is.
Peace,
~T
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, we don't necessarily need closure from the other party--we can provide our own closure. Waiting for closure from someone else is giving them WAY too much power over our happiness.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Yes I painfully would say that it is NC as well - but why I say the silent treatment is that
I had a lot of this for years WHILE we were living together - just before I left, he would talk and joke with any and everybody then he would come into the house and not even make eye contact with me - he would just blank me as if I was not there - this could go on for weeks, months.
I then retreated to a seperate living room and he turned up one day and handed me a meal he had made for me and then left. I realise now that was probably remorse.
Last year we were both at my daughters house - when I came into one room he got up and went out into another, in the same company he would just look through me as if I was not there. At her wedding he did the same thing - the whole day!
It was awkward and embarassing for everyone and he did not care about her. When she tried talking to him he said I was a serial adultress and now he had to live his own life.
I am VERY familiar with the silent treatment he did it to me on holiday and at the weekends, christmas any special occasssions and then towards the end of what ever celebration he would give me some stupid present like an elaborate meal.
In 2005 he moved out and stopped talking to me for a year! Blanked me when he picked up the kids , put the phone down on me if I called etc and then one day out of the blue sent me an email telling me he loved me and wanted to go on holiday with me - we went - he spent most of the time in the bar, and moved back in as if nothing had ever happened.
When I first moved out he initially told me on the phone that he really missed me and life was more fun with me in it that out of it, It felt to me like too little too late but I came back and spent 2 weeks with him the following year and he spent nearly the whole time drunk.
I say it is the silent treatment because it has elements - he treats me like I don't exist - so when I get abusive emails that actually feels better.
I don't know what I am trying to convince myself of here - but I do see that I am dealing with an alcoholic and life without him will maybe be less painful.
I probably should be grateful for the situation because otherwise I would be back in a flash and then would never heal.
I had a lot of this for years WHILE we were living together - just before I left, he would talk and joke with any and everybody then he would come into the house and not even make eye contact with me - he would just blank me as if I was not there - this could go on for weeks, months.
I then retreated to a seperate living room and he turned up one day and handed me a meal he had made for me and then left. I realise now that was probably remorse.
Last year we were both at my daughters house - when I came into one room he got up and went out into another, in the same company he would just look through me as if I was not there. At her wedding he did the same thing - the whole day!
It was awkward and embarassing for everyone and he did not care about her. When she tried talking to him he said I was a serial adultress and now he had to live his own life.
I am VERY familiar with the silent treatment he did it to me on holiday and at the weekends, christmas any special occasssions and then towards the end of what ever celebration he would give me some stupid present like an elaborate meal.
In 2005 he moved out and stopped talking to me for a year! Blanked me when he picked up the kids , put the phone down on me if I called etc and then one day out of the blue sent me an email telling me he loved me and wanted to go on holiday with me - we went - he spent most of the time in the bar, and moved back in as if nothing had ever happened.
When I first moved out he initially told me on the phone that he really missed me and life was more fun with me in it that out of it, It felt to me like too little too late but I came back and spent 2 weeks with him the following year and he spent nearly the whole time drunk.
I say it is the silent treatment because it has elements - he treats me like I don't exist - so when I get abusive emails that actually feels better.
I don't know what I am trying to convince myself of here - but I do see that I am dealing with an alcoholic and life without him will maybe be less painful.
I probably should be grateful for the situation because otherwise I would be back in a flash and then would never heal.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Yup, we don't necessarily need closure from the other party--we can provide our own closure. Waiting for closure from someone else is giving them WAY too much power over our happiness.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Anvillehead II have you ever had the silent treatment?
i had one screwy relationship with a person who ran hot and cold and loved to play the come here go away game. lot of retreat and pursuit. i played that game for a long time and then finally just got real tired of it.
considering that this last time YOU left, i just don't quite get how you find the "silent treatment" so offensive....except for the fact that it doesn't sound as if you left signifying it was OVER, only that you hoped to turn the tables on him and have him come chasing after you. if you see above, i GET that part. but it's really just more games. and lord aren't we all just DONE with the games?
But I am encouraged that it will get better so long I stay away from him. would you maybe tape that to your bathroom mirror as your new affirmation???
i had one screwy relationship with a person who ran hot and cold and loved to play the come here go away game. lot of retreat and pursuit. i played that game for a long time and then finally just got real tired of it.
considering that this last time YOU left, i just don't quite get how you find the "silent treatment" so offensive....except for the fact that it doesn't sound as if you left signifying it was OVER, only that you hoped to turn the tables on him and have him come chasing after you. if you see above, i GET that part. but it's really just more games. and lord aren't we all just DONE with the games?
But I am encouraged that it will get better so long I stay away from him. would you maybe tape that to your bathroom mirror as your new affirmation???
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by cr995
Yes I painfully would say that it is NC as well - but why I say the silent treatment is that
I had a lot of this for years WHILE we were living together - just before I left, he would talk and joke with any and everybody then he would come into the house and not even make eye contact with me - he would just blank me as if I was not there - this could go on for weeks, months.
I then retreated to a seperate living room and he turned up one day and handed me a meal he had made for me and then left. I realise now that was probably remorse.
Last year we were both at my daughters house - when I came into one room he got up and went out into another, in the same company he would just look through me as if I was not there. At her wedding he did the same thing - the whole day!
It was awkward and embarassing for everyone and he did not care about her. When she tried talking to him he said I was a serial adultress and now he had to live his own life.
I am VERY familiar with the silent treatment he did it to me on holiday and at the weekends, christmas any special occasssions and then towards the end of what ever celebration he would give me some stupid present like an elaborate meal.
In 2005 he moved out and stopped talking to me for a year! Blanked me when he picked up the kids , put the phone down on me if I called etc and then one day out of the blue sent me an email telling me he loved me and wanted to go on holiday with me - we went - he spent most of the time in the bar, and moved back in as if nothing had ever happened.
When I first moved out he initially told me on the phone that he really missed me and life was more fun with me in it that out of it, It felt to me like too little too late but I came back and spent 2 weeks with him the following year and he spent nearly the whole time drunk.
I say it is the silent treatment because it has elements - he treats me like I don't exist - so when I get abusive emails that actually feels better.
I don't know what I am trying to convince myself of here - but I do see that I am dealing with an alcoholic and life without him will maybe be less painful.
I probably should be grateful for the situation because otherwise I would be back in a flash and then would never heal.
I had a lot of this for years WHILE we were living together - just before I left, he would talk and joke with any and everybody then he would come into the house and not even make eye contact with me - he would just blank me as if I was not there - this could go on for weeks, months.
I then retreated to a seperate living room and he turned up one day and handed me a meal he had made for me and then left. I realise now that was probably remorse.
Last year we were both at my daughters house - when I came into one room he got up and went out into another, in the same company he would just look through me as if I was not there. At her wedding he did the same thing - the whole day!
It was awkward and embarassing for everyone and he did not care about her. When she tried talking to him he said I was a serial adultress and now he had to live his own life.
I am VERY familiar with the silent treatment he did it to me on holiday and at the weekends, christmas any special occasssions and then towards the end of what ever celebration he would give me some stupid present like an elaborate meal.
In 2005 he moved out and stopped talking to me for a year! Blanked me when he picked up the kids , put the phone down on me if I called etc and then one day out of the blue sent me an email telling me he loved me and wanted to go on holiday with me - we went - he spent most of the time in the bar, and moved back in as if nothing had ever happened.
When I first moved out he initially told me on the phone that he really missed me and life was more fun with me in it that out of it, It felt to me like too little too late but I came back and spent 2 weeks with him the following year and he spent nearly the whole time drunk.
I say it is the silent treatment because it has elements - he treats me like I don't exist - so when I get abusive emails that actually feels better.
I don't know what I am trying to convince myself of here - but I do see that I am dealing with an alcoholic and life without him will maybe be less painful.
I probably should be grateful for the situation because otherwise I would be back in a flash and then would never heal.
Geeeeeeez! What a D*CK!! No wonder your head is spinning! And no wonder you feel so hooked in---craving a crumb of affection. He's giving you intermittent reinforcement, which is horribly addictive. (Search for "intermittent chicken" here...I think u can probly google SoberRecovery + intermittent chicken)
You need to detox from this crap. I just wish the detoxing weren't so painful (Not Fair!! ) but you WILL get better!!!!!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
I don't know I suppose I wanted a change in him and when I left he was mostly in a drunken stupor, unwashed and unkempt.
My leaving has resulted in him trying desperately to prove that he is not an A, and putting on the show that he is healthy in all ways. Not really what I was going for - I was going for a real attempt at recovery with me, not a fake attempt with somebody else.
My leaving was for my survival I think and the fact that he continues to deny and blame are painful for me that's all.
My leaving has resulted in him trying desperately to prove that he is not an A, and putting on the show that he is healthy in all ways. Not really what I was going for - I was going for a real attempt at recovery with me, not a fake attempt with somebody else.
My leaving was for my survival I think and the fact that he continues to deny and blame are painful for me that's all.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by cr995
My leaving was for my survival I think and the fact that he continues to deny and blame are painful for me that's all.
And then some where along the line, you (I) realize that not only is it not likely to ever happen (because that would mean A LOT of hard recovery and relationship work on his part), but really, it's not even truly necessary for you to heal and move on.
Part of that, for me, was learning to forgive myself for being part of it. Learning to forgive myself for putting up with such horrid behavior for so long, for accepting the miniscule crumbs of 'love' that he doled out as all I deserved/needed/was normal.
Sending hugs.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
cr - i've noticed now a couple times you've said "if there was a pill for that" you'd take it. not only is that wishful thinking, and exactly why addicts reach for a glass or pipe, BUT most importantly you are abdicating doing the work YOURSELF.
you wanna get better? that get up off your tuckus and get busy!!! you are much more in control than you either give yourself credit for, or perhaps want to own. but it's there. HE can't make you better (altho he has done a bang up job of helping you get worse!!!!), a PILL won't make you better....YOU can make you better.
start small. one tiny thing. one GOOD thing. get to a meeting. join a club of some sort. read recovery books. stop the train of thoughts that take you to a dark place before you are there. use new affirmations. make the decision to make the changes.
one of my favoritest sayings is:
There are no problems, there is only resistance to the solution.
endings are just new beginnings.
you wanna get better? that get up off your tuckus and get busy!!! you are much more in control than you either give yourself credit for, or perhaps want to own. but it's there. HE can't make you better (altho he has done a bang up job of helping you get worse!!!!), a PILL won't make you better....YOU can make you better.
start small. one tiny thing. one GOOD thing. get to a meeting. join a club of some sort. read recovery books. stop the train of thoughts that take you to a dark place before you are there. use new affirmations. make the decision to make the changes.
one of my favoritest sayings is:
There are no problems, there is only resistance to the solution.
endings are just new beginnings.
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