Coping with grief and sadness

Old 07-11-2013, 02:48 AM
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Coping with grief and sadness

An update on how I'm feeling. I struggle with feelings of sadness and crying. Haven't cried as much in a long time. This break up is overwhelming at times. My 14 year old daughter left the country today to go on holiday with her friends family and I was crying after dropping her off. This is the third time she has went on holiday with them and usually I'm really positive about her going and although miss her I also look forward to the time to myself. I seem to be spending lots of time crying and think I may need antidepressants. I go back to my gp in 2 weeks and am waiting on phone counselling. Has anyone felt that antidepressants helped them through a break up? I'm off work with stress at the moment.
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Old 07-11-2013, 05:44 AM
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brightstar, First, let me say that I don't want to overstep any medical and diagnostic rules of this fourm. I did not take any antidepressants when I experienced grief due to loss of a significant relationship and death of a spouse.

Especially with the loss of the relationship (he broke up with me because I couldn't have more children--I had 3 from my previous marriage/he was younger than me and wanted his own children/we were planning to get married) I was just devastated. I cried rivers and then I cried oceans. I had waves of grief and sadness. I cried on my way to work every morning. It was very acute in the beginning.

I am telling you this because this type of crying is considered normal. To think a lot about the relationship is normal---esp. at alone times. I prayed for the pain to leave!
Of course, it did---eventually, in it's own time. The first 6wks was the very worst. I managed to get to my very stressful job and do the things I HAD to do--but, I was a crying mess in between. It took me 6mo. to get past it in a major way. Wen I met the man that was to become my husband---I really didn't look back---although, I still had occasional sad and very nostalgic memories for about another year. I discussed these feeling/memories with my new love and that was soo healing for me. I didn't love him anymore--just nostalgic memories for the whole event. Everyone's grief has it's own pattern--but, that was mine.

I will say that, in addition to the crying, I worked hard to get past the pain with some letting go techniques. (I had a book about "letting go" (LOL).

I think it is very important to know that grief and depression are not the same things---although it IS possible to have both simultaneously---this is where your professionals can help you. I have heard it described that grief is the presence of intense feelings and depression is the absence of feelings (feeling flat). Both are uncomfortable--for sure.

It is o.k. to cry a lot. Go ahead--it lets the pressure out. Talk about it to sympathetic people (at appropriate times). Be around other people and friends as much as you possibly can. Stay as busy and active as you can. Invent things to do!!!! And, start to make changes--get your hair restyled--loose 10lbs.---buy a new bedspread and re-arrange the furniture. Adopt a kitty. etc........

You will get through this. It doesn't feel like it....but, just know that you will.

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Old 07-11-2013, 07:01 AM
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Dandylion I think I'm afraid of these feelings. I have had anxiety/depression in the past years ago when I was 25 it was really severe. I've never been as bad as that again but I am a born worrier and am probably afraid of being like that again. Motivation is also terrible just now I'm sitting around a lot.....so not like me I'm usually on the go a lot. I have managed to move though! Just hoovered and am going to go for lunch with my cousin. My house is a complete bomb site and can't seem to do much housework at the moment. I really need to take good care of myself just now and am going to start some exercise. I used to be quite fit but over the last 2 years I have gave up exercise and yoga. My friend is a yoga instructor and is starting a nia fitness class next week (has anyone heard of this before?) I know I need to try and keep busy and be more active it's just my motivation at the moment is at an all time low. It's like taking baby steps. I think all the stress of being a single parent, work and finance problems and an alcoholic boyfriend flung in to the mix is a recipe for disaster. As al anon says... It's too much for most if us. So I need to get myself out of this place I find myself in.
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Old 07-11-2013, 07:36 AM
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brightstar---you've got it. babysteps!! As simplistic as that might sound--every little step forward is a step in the right direction. Set attainable goals, and take it one day at a time. Be proud of even the smallest step--because this isn't easy. You do have to push yourself , at times, even when you don't feel like it.

Just do the next right thing. Some days, it might be just getting out of bed and brushing your teeth. That is o.k., because this is not going to be the case forever.

It is not unusual to be afraid of the feelings, like you just described. You will find, though, that if you just let the feeling come and wash over you---and picture it washing away from you---the feeling will not swallow you up. It is actually the fear of the fear that gets to most people.

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Old 07-11-2013, 08:56 AM
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Hi bright star,

I just want to jump in to add my support, and say that dandelion gave you the best advice. I'll just say: What she said!!

It really sounds like you're on the right track!

For me, anti-depressants/anti-anxiety help is necessary, but that is my stuff.
For example, I determined I needed anti-depressant help again when I realized I was still obsessing and in pain more than two years after he left.... I've needed extra help forever, so it's no surprise.

In other words, it takes time. (Time takes time, they say) Consult with your Dr. if you think you need medical help and have been doing all the right things, with poor results.
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Old 07-11-2013, 10:01 AM
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Hi Brightstar,

I also agree that Dandylion gave you great advice!

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I was really weepy and cried all the time too after my break up. I didn't take antidepressants because I felt like I was simply sad, not depressed. Whenever I'd cry after my break up, I always felt a huge release afterward, like I was really working through the grief by experiencing and letting out the pain.

It was a completely different feeling than when I was was depressed several years ago. Like Dandylion said, depression is more of an absence of feeling.

I don't think being sad is a bad thing! You need to allow yourself to experience the loss. However, if the sadness feels overwhelming and never lifts, or if it starts to feel like a dull ache from which you never get a break, then you could definitely check out meds.

I say be open to anything. The world is full of support and opportunities for healing. You just need to know that you are not alone!!

Hugs.
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Old 07-11-2013, 03:40 PM
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Thanks again everyone for your support. I had a good day out in sunshine for lunch with my cousin she cheered me up she is so funny she had me actually laughing my head off! The background sadness was still there but I was glad to be out. As you say take it in baby steps one day at a time. I'm going to see how I go rue anti depressants. I did go off work before we broke up feeling exhausted and tearful so think as well as this current break up I've had a stress build up too (it's happened before). Wish I was 6 months down the line.....but I'm not, I'm going through this and will get through it. That's almost been a week of no contact so I can do this. I deleted his number but have not been tempted to text, just thought get rid of it to be on the safe side. Although I don't feel great just now it is good not to be having to constantly worry and analyse that relationship anymore.....no more neglect, no more being 2nd priority and no more pain caused by him. At least this current pain will have an endpoint.
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Old 07-11-2013, 03:49 PM
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I'm so sorry to hear about this sadness, but it sounds like you are on the right track going out with your cousin, and enjoying a laugh when you can. When my ex broke up with me (on my birthday!) I cried for a really long time. I felt like someone was punching me in the heart, literally. I also felt like I was thinking about it and dwelling on it because that's what I was supposed to feel. Like if I wasn't thinking about it, I wasn't doing something right or I wasn't feeling what I was supposed to feel. This is wrong! Enjoy the laughs when you can get them, meet new people, learn who you are as a person and what makes you happy. My dad always reminds me that this too shall change, and he is the wisest person I know.
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Old 07-11-2013, 04:06 PM
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Brightstar, what a great move going out with your cousin and laughing so hard, your heart must have chosen her on purpose knowing you needed that!

I'm 2 1/2 weeks into no contact (although I did *clarify* a week or so in), and my whole body ached a LOt of the time the first week but a lot less now.

I think doing things like you're doing, putting good things in your day that are part of the life you want to have, help a lot. Not as a distraction -- because as people here said you do have to feel all that and it's healthy to feel it so you can work through it -- but for balance. To have something good and positive and aiming toward you in your day, every day.

Big hugs to you. Do something kind to yourself and self-loving tonight.
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Old 07-11-2013, 04:10 PM
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Originally Posted by brightstar43 View Post
Thanks again everyone for your support. I had a good day out in sunshine for lunch with my cousin she cheered me up she is so funny she had me actually laughing my head off! The background sadness was still there but I was glad to be out. As you say take it in baby steps one day at a time. I'm going to see how I go rue anti depressants. I did go off work before we broke up feeling exhausted and tearful so think as well as this current break up I've had a stress build up too (it's happened before). Wish I was 6 months down the line.....but I'm not, I'm going through this and will get through it. That's almost been a week of no contact so I can do this. I deleted his number but have not been tempted to text, just thought get rid of it to be on the safe side. Although I don't feel great just now it is good not to be having to constantly worry and analyse that relationship anymore.....no more neglect, no more being 2nd priority and no more pain caused by him. At least this current pain will have an endpoint.
I love your attitude, brightstar!
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Old 07-11-2013, 04:18 PM
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I don't know what time it is over there BrightStar but how about tomorrow you look up a local yoga place, look up their schedule and go to a class that fits your day.

It has helped me in the past in these situations.
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Old 07-11-2013, 04:27 PM
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Zenme it's 2320 in sunny Scotland, usually wee say that as sarcastic humour but all this week the sun has been shining in the high 20's I would say that's my higher power at work cause sunshine definitely lifts my spirits. My friend is a yoga instructor so I'm aiming to go soon. Her baby is only a few weeks old but she's starting classes shortly. I used to do hot yoga. Need to go back as since being off work and sitting around much more thn normal I've gained about half a stone in a week! Yoga does help and I'm also going to look into mindfulness classes. This is what I'm aiming for. I'm taking very small steps just now.....due to the extra weight! Only kidding
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Old 07-11-2013, 04:29 PM
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half a stone is nothing brightstar, I gained 2 stone because of all the madness! Be sure to waddle about if you start to sink =P. I like hot yoga but unless i am well rested and in top condition it is no fun. I'm sticking to regular for now.
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Old 07-11-2013, 04:36 PM
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I second the yoga suggestion. Hot yoga can be kind of dangerous so be careful. Yoga cured my depression literally instantaneously. After the very first class I was better. I know it sounds crazy but it's true.
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Old 07-11-2013, 04:47 PM
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I won't be doing any hot yoga not for now that would be a bad move so don't worry. Can u imagine I'd be a wreck! No wacky stuff just now. I'll speak to my yoga friend she'll know of good classes. I'm aiming to take the dog for a walk Tom. Hope to get a good sleep first I've been waking up too early in the morning which is very unusual for me.
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Old 07-11-2013, 04:56 PM
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HOT YOGA! You guys are hard core!!


That sounds to me like a great big giant kangaroo hop (as apposed to baby steps)


Just kidding you all. Go for anything that helps (LOL)
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