iwh

actually, i was dead pan serious, well maybe madpan serious, but i still very seriously agree with what i posted and there was no humor intended.

however your response is kind of good in that it did lighten the load for a minute and i did find humor, but my family does this too.

if i bring up alcoholism & that i need to take this seriously, my dad makes a joke.

i'm not joking about these things and i've gotten to the age & stage of alcoholism where the jokes over.

i do have a good sense of humor & should keep it, and very glad some of you have it too, but what i posted is not a joke and affecting millions of peoples lives.

i do not like or find much value in the morbidity in some recovery programs and do not want to further account for nightmare experiences, i hope that is not what you are looking for to take me seriously.

FireSprite

You know, there's also a theory out there from those that believe in reincarnation & multiple lives that says that we make agreements before incarnating in this lifetime. (I realize this isn't a theory everyone subscribes to )

It says that we know fully what challenges we will face, the family we are being born into, how easy or difficult our path will be... & that we accept it all fully knowing they are obstacles that our soul needs to conquer in order to continue in it's ascension.

That we NEED those struggles and lessons in order for our soul to continue on it's journey. They may relate to past life's traumas or resolving bad decisions made in previous incarnations. They believe that this physical life we live is temporary, and but a blip compared to the totality of our soul's existence so while we experience pain & suffering now & it seems lengthy & eternal, it's really a short period of time compared to the span of our many lifetimes & soul's journey. Sometimes these hardships represent new obstacles, sometimes we just get stuck and stubbornly refuse to see alternate solutions & continue to face the same lessons over & over until we learn.

It's all in how you choose to look at it sometimes.

OnawaMiniya

Oh, I'm quite aware that you are absolutely serious. Just mean that some comments (such as throwing tomatoes, or serving donuts and coffee) indicate to me that you have a sense of humor. Does that clarify my post a bit?

To be honest, though I do find value in a lot of the messages and suggestions etc in some recovery programs, personally I'm not into the religious aspect for example. I have beliefs but have never been a fan of organized religion, even as a child. But like I said they do still offer insight and things that can be directly applied to one's life. I say this in response to your ending comments.

So, it's about finding what works for YOU. Make sense?

OnawaMiniya

By the way, also for the record, I'm quite interested in psychology. Love the subject. Just a nod to your post title.

iwh

yes, totally. this is where i'm at now. i see a lot of the work that needs to be done & there's no promise that they will change a thing, yet i still have to keep contact with them for certain reasons.

f

it is a huge insight. i have no trouble accepting that anymore. i'm insightful. told to me by professors, monks, professionals, friends, neighbors, you name it only to be reinforced by my family that i'm a little kid & an idiot.

i'm trying to save me life here as it's slipping off the edge.

things i read here, going to meeting & simply googling healthy relationships is starting to help me feel ok about saying 'no' to them where they would otherwise go around it.

it's sick, it sucks, sorry any of you had to read this.

& thank you for your responses. i didn't get the chance to fully read everyone & comprehend, but i will.

thank you.

iwh

yes, again because of how i was raised, i bet you're all getting a hoot out of that, i still want us to all be friends here.

so, yes, you picked up on some humor. thanks for having some too, but i've got a lot to deal with now.

i do like it though, i've noticed, when i am sober for a while, i'm not much now, i do find a more wholesome humor that comes natural, whether i be in the shower, cooking, walking, etc. i love that & feels so normal & healthy. makes being sober lookingforwardable.

lillamy

I've made lots of mistakes with my children. The one I'm trying very hard to avoid is defining them. When they say "I'm so clumsy!" I say "most people go through certain ages when they're a bit clumsier than otherwise." When they say "I suck at math" I say "Some parts of math are harder than others to understand." When say "I'm lazy" I say "only if you want to be." Bottom line, I want them to always feel like change is possible. That it's within their reach.

I think many of us have FOOs that define us and put us down. I didn't -- but I had a husband who did, for 20 years. I had to cut ties with him for my health.

OnawaMiniya

I'm definitely not making light of your situation in the least. Since I noticed that you do have a sense of humor I just mentioned that that was good because I truly believe laughter is a fabulous medicine. I'm not saying to laugh at things in your life that are causing danger. Just that it's good to give ourselves a break once in a while. Me, I like watching stand up comedy or something funny when in a bad or upset mood. I can tend to overthink things.

Like when you said your father makes a joke when you say you have a problem and need help - not cool. I didn't make a joke at all about the seriousness of your situation.

It's awesome that you are finding things to look forward to in sobriety as the end of your post indicates.

iwh

i know FULLY that that is waaaaaay over the top for me right now.

i also have some experience in these beliefs and know many people in this field do not want people to get lost in these theories. that's much more advanced study once you've really got the basics down.

thank you kind sir/madam.

iwh

thanks. i like that your just illustrating being a good parent. that's great and sorry i didn't quote the part of you telling/showing them that change is possible.

this has been making it so hard from me & i am not a child anymore!

i work on changing and it's all, no, 'you/we do it this way' attitude i get that makes it so hard. seriously, when you hear that voice, words, psychology that goes through your ears that you've heard your whole life... anyone else could say it & have little effect, but it's my mom & dad. ya know...

damn. i know my mom at least has a therapist for many years and as i was learning about this things i am shocked that they threat me like this still!
she really has to be dishonest with her therapist to get away with this, but i don't want to get it that. but that's even how they talk to me, the few times a year i see them. i'm usually thinking, 'who are they talking to?' because NO ONE talks to me like they do, they have such an imaginative idea of who i am it over takes reality. again, sick & i'm sorry to tell you guys these things, but this is what i'm really dealing with.

i do try to do nice things for them when i see them and really want peace with them, but it's like the feed on fighting and this drives me the wrong way or f i got to start seeing it as the right way...

iwh

also, i have no idea what FOOs means. i'll have to look it up. this friends & family stuff it helping me a lot, but i can only learn so much so quick.

thanks i will look up FOOs when i can.

OnawaMiniya

I think "family of origin".

iwh

cool, wish we could hang out, i'm about ready to change gears, but in now continue to sweep my family issues under the rug anymore.

i can't sweep these issues under the rug anymore. i wish i could fully explain, but i'd be typing here.............................................. ...............a lot.

f, i've been going to a lot of meetings and working on my recovery, here i am, hi, but i also found sometimes going out and doing normal people things is very very helpful. i didn't go to a meeting on 4th of july, i went to beach and i was like, 'this is really hitting the spot'. like recovery wise. i know if i did that everyday it would be bad, but i found it very helpful.

anyway, haaaay, ha, thanks,

Ipanema

I started a new plan today based on readings from this site. The person who is a Bully I will stop answering her calls. Then I will send a message in answer to what she wants (babysitting, help driving kids here and there, etc.)I don't mind driving the kids but she got to the point where I was driving friends of the grandchildren without the grandchildren in the car! The Bully is my daughter. She helped me financially for a couple of months (she is quite well off, of which I am glad for her). But that put me in a subservient position for all kinds of crazy things...no more. Thanks for writing that it's ok to not answer calls from friends and family if they are toxic!!! No explanations to her anymore about where I was, with home, etc. etc. So this is not really family of origin (which was an alcoholic father/bipolar mother) but the disease carries on down thru generations from what I have observed. My Higher Power has led me to this site of which I am so grateful. Also, I refused more financial help and said it caused too many problems. I didn't really need it anyway. She is worried I will run out of money. I assured her I will not. My worst nightmare is to live with her out of desperation. That thought has curbed any excess spending and I buy many things at the Dollar Tree. God provides everything I need anyway and has since I got sober 33 years ago. :rotfxko

LadyinBC

Ahhhh the blame game. So prevalent in this day and age. I'm an alcoholic and I lay the blame on it on me.

Yes, I come from a family of alcoholics, that isn't my fault, I can't control that, but I can control what I do. I chose to escape in a bottle. That is on me.

Lots of people have crappy childhoods etc, and they don't turn to booze or drugs or do crappy things to other people.

iwh

yeah, that's kind of what I was saying, but kind of not. be a good judge of when your help & heart is needed & when it is not. that's worth being rigorously honest about.

iwh

well, so be it. some people even win the lotto.

moral values are fluid depending on circumstance. maybe that seems crazy to civil us, but realistically speaking.

i take no blame game stance. even your neighbor whom you've never met has .0000000000000110010 part to do with it.

maybe it seems crazy to people because politicians will never let you believe it, but everyone & everything plays a role.

do your best to be independent and take full responsibility/blame/CREDIT, no civil, political, public person wants or will allow that!!!
only unless it will cost them or your they will share blame, then it's ALL YOUR FAULT & that is impossible.

i can't officially apologize, but much of the recovery game is poorly worded with the blame on the dumbass using, even if that is denied (as in most dysfunctional relationships).

when we are dealing with matters of getting 'high', it's much more than a simple materialist game.

most of us on this site have seen the side-affects of getting high very much so.

ha, yes, i know this is poorly worded, but i'm no politico and ya know...

FireSprite

I disagree with this statement almost wholeheartedly. We may be forced ~ in extreme situations~ to make a decision that goes against our moral code for survival purposes, but I don't believe that changes my values.

My values are NOT fluid. If I CHOOSE to go against my values that is still a choice, regardless of the reason (high/drunk); not a change in what is morally acceptable.

iwh

FireSprite, I know that is a very complicated thing I said. It is likely impossible for some of us to understand and that is a good thing.

I did not have to reach that far.

I am a philosopher, sorry, lol.

FireSprite

If that's the way you see it, that's fine.

Not so complicated to me. My very Sober Mind recognizes it as yet another fatalistic excuse to justify, deflect and redirect blame, but that's me.

So, how long have you been sober and in recovery, iwh?