redatlanta

C- I applaud you for making steps in your own behavior I know it was hard to go to work yesterday and I do understand the desire to manage the situation - that is as much for us as it is for them as dealing with a drunken night/day and the BS that comes along with it often is our problem.

I am saying this is kindness, because its hard to read this forum at times when you are caught in the midst of your situation. Your husband is NOT in recovery. he is NOT sober. As to whether or not he ever was really doesn't matter. What matters is now. Its very important to accept this, alcoholism and addiction are a disease of denial and it infects everyone and it is infecting you too. While I know you don't attend AA I think you appreciate the 12 steps. There is a reason why a white chip is handed out on that first day, and every first day that happens. My husband has 9 white chips. He should have 10 but he won't go get that last one because he wants to pretend that his relapse never happened. I suppose he sees it as flushing 10 years sober down the drain. I see the white chip as a fresh start and a new day - and a recognition that one is powerless over alcohol.

Perhaps now would be a good time to lay low and watch your husband and see what he does. Someone mentioned the term "more will be revealed" that is the truest statement when it comes to the disease. Letting it run its course is imperative to understand where the A is in their mind. Without prompting or questioning, commenting or discussing it would be good to see if your husband reaches back out for treatment on his own.

Crazed

Hi Cecilia. I feel your pain. I know my EXAG (or EXRAG) wants to be sober. I know she hates her life as it is now, and all the pain and damage it has caused to people around her. She keeps relapsing. And has for years. But I do not believe that she is not trying to recover. I just believe that the disease has such a strong grip on her that she may never be able to recover.

HopefulmomtoD

Its true- we can not control their drinking and its consequences. I'm a stranger to Cecelia- but in reading her DH's story- I can't help but feel sadness that he is killing himself with that stupid crap. ;-(

wiscsober

I am honored to read your story and concerns. Thank you. You helped me for today in my daily contact with alcoholics.

With detachment you are supportive. You are doing well with your recovery.

He literally is making his decisions by drinking and "trying to force other people to take control/responsibility for his actions."

You are not alone working any of the Al-anon principles -- maybe talk one-on-one about your worry and anxiety.

CeciliaV

Thank you, I do appreciate your concerns, and I share your concerns. He is definitely doing physical damage to himself, I have no illusions about that. I did look up Oxford Houses, but unfortunately, no locations in my area that accept men. He definitely can't do this on his own without the support of a program, and he has to choose to do it and reach out for that support...I know this. As for what the proper treatment for him would be at this point? I don't know. In theory, he is going to work today and is meeting with his IOP counselor early before the IOP session this evening. If he doesn't follow through and continues to drink, I don't know what I will do. I don't know how many chances he has left with me or how many chances he has left before he permanently damages or kills himself.

You're not coming on too strongly at all. I understand where you're coming from and I do value your input and suggestions and concerns. I agree that detox would be good for him, but again, I can't make that decision for him. If he does go talk to his counselor today and does go to IOP, then the pro's can help him with making the right decision about a course of treatment moving forward. But he has to show up first!

FireSprite

I can't add any better ES&H than what has already been shared here, but I do want to offer you some ((((HUGS)))) Cecilia. I have learned a lot reading through this entire thread & I appreciate all of the different perspectives shared.

Florence

CeceliaV, I'm an atheist and I've been on the recovery road thanks to a lot of individual counseling, SR, and Al-Anon literature. There's a dearth of meetings in my area, so I've cobbled a lot of resources together. The religion thing is dismissable in favor of the greater ideas of the recovery process if you want it, although I understand it's hard to get around sometimes, especially when you're first dipping a toe in. And I find the more I learn that the general ideas in AA and Al-Anon feel more Buddhist in nature than Christian.

Personally, for me, and I don't know how it is for other atheists in recovery, but abandoning the science-based, hard-nosed, new age stuff is ridiculous feelings was very helpful in removing my barriers to recovery. It's not that I found God -- I don't believe in God -- but I'm open to whatever works for me, and it turns out some of the meditative new age, Buddhist-type stuff works for me.

CeciliaV

Thanks, FireSprite, I could use the hugs today!

As for an update so far today, about an hour ago, he texted me & said he was on his way to work & asked me to wish him luck. I'm tired. I'm a little cranky. I'm hungry. I can't fix being tired without going home and going back to sleep, but I am plying myself with coffee, filling my belly with a bagel & cream cheese, and trying to drop the crank-factor. Doing my best to not obsess today.

Wavy

I'm atheist too and haven't found that a barrier to participating in/benefitting from Al-Anon, although I will say that my meeting does not have a heavy religious bias to it, in fact there are only one or two people I could tell you for sure believed in God, most people just refer to 'higher power'. I'm fine with a higher power. I don't have any religion or superstitions, I'm a scientist and am very much evidenced based in my beliefs. Having a high power to me means knowing the world will still spin regardless of anything I can do. There are things bigger than me, so much bigger than me I can barely imagine them (like the universe!). For the most part what's going to happen is going to happen regardless of how much I worry about it or want it to be different. Obviously its up to you if you can find some kind of higher power that tallies with your world view, all I'm saying is that religion does not have to get in the way of you benefitting from what Al-Anon has to offer.

Really insightful and useful thread by the way. Thank you.

CeciliaV

omg, can I just share how hard it is for an obsessive compulsive person NOT to be obsessive compulsive?!

It's taking all I have right now to resist the urge to constantly check our credit card transactions online...the change jar is finally devoid of silver coins, so unless he dips into the collection of old coins I have (which he may have already dipped into), the credit card is the way to go.

And anyway, what good would it do me to know that he has/hasn't charged a 7-11 run on the credit card? He is crafty and smart, and I know he can find ways, and he does have one last CC that's only in his name & that I don't have the log on info for, so it would be meaningless for me to check & get a false sense of security if I don't see a transaction on our main CC. At least this is what I keep repeating to myself.

Okay, I have to scurry off and do some work and try to take my mind off this for a bit...imma drive myself (more) crazy like this!

stella27

I would be scared to share credit cards with an active alcoholic, Cecilia.

I think this could have ramifications beyond 7-11. ((hugs)).

electricalguru

Take him off your credit card or cards. My ex spent $4,000.00 a month on alcohol. I just sent her my final spousal support payment.

HopefulmomtoD

$4000 a month? What was she drinking- christoff champagne? My DS drank rot gut cheap vodka ....

electricalguru

I know it's hard to believe but last time I saw her she was buying 1/2 gallon of vodka and whiskey at a time. At first it was grey goose then went to Smirnoff vodka.

CeciliaV

Okay, I'm sleepy and a little slow right now, I don't get it...huh? I was referring to him making a liquor run & "knowing" whether he was at least trying to stay sober for today (which I know that I can't really know and it doesn't matter if he doesn't follow through). And yes, it's scary to share CCs and accounts & just about anything else with him right about now.

CeciliaV

So I took a step. Created a separate, single, non-joint savings account. Going to funnel in some money just to be safe. Even gave the account a nickname of "Just in case." Best case scenario, we have an extra savings fund to work with. Worst case scenario, it's there if I need it.

electricalguru

Good for you. You have to protect yourself, an active alcoholic don't care about anything, anyone, just how will they keep drinking.

FireSprite

I did the same thing when RAH quit drinking & 18+ months in sobriety, I have no intentions of exposing this "secret" just yet (I may never, who knows?). It is my security because when he hit his bottom, he had created huge debts & I was left without his income as well. I'm never doing THAT again.

CeciliaV

Yeah, not sure if I'll ever reveal this one. It's just in my name, so he has no access to it at all. And not that he ever logs into or looks our MS Money program where I keep track of all our money stuffs, but I may just keep it out of there for at least the time being, regardless of his lack of access to the account.

firebolt

(((Celia))) Smart move on the bank account. I need to do the same thing...

Hang in there today. I hope you get a little peace - be it from a good book, a movie with friends, a walk with the dog, or from detailing the hell out of your car. I hope you can find something to take your mind off him. BEST to you today and in this journey.