How to work through relapse?
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of course you are tired. my point was that each time he gets a day or so not drinking, you hitch such tremendous expectations on how that will make it all ok. and he just can't be whatever it is you need to be OK....he keeps letting you down. it's what he does.
if you instead rely upon yourself for what you need to be ok, you won't get let down. you become your own champion, your own hero. you get to drive the bus.
if you instead rely upon yourself for what you need to be ok, you won't get let down. you become your own champion, your own hero. you get to drive the bus.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
**********{Cecilia}}}}}}
(I always hear Simon & Garfunkel in my head when I type that...)
(I always hear Simon & Garfunkel in my head when I type that...)
Now the song is going to reverb all night!
Cecilia,
Sending more strength and hugs to you.
I have had a similar dream as yours with the outside staircase falling away, but I land hard, and unscathed. The free falling feeling is over and I feel safe then. It is strange, but I have had it more than once.
I am sorry for the silly ramble.
Beth
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Anvil, I'm doing my best, and maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but I feel like I'm getting whacked over the head a bit here. I am not hitching tremendous expectations on a day or two of not drinking. I have said more than once that I half expected this to happen, and I never said that everything will be okay if he stays sober for a day or two. I feel like I'm being put in a position of defending myself and him, and to be perfectly frank, I don't like it. I'm not going to go on about how many days he was in rehab and how many days he's been sober at a stretch vs not. I just wanted to share and get some support, not feel like I'm doing something wrong. I'm a human being who is hurting and is disappointed that someone I love dearly is not doing well.
I'm working my own recovery process at my own pace. Progress, not perfection. And I've made some good progress, if I do say so myself! Not so long ago, I would have freaked out on my husband and I'd be a hot mess right now. I kept my cool with him. I said my piece and I walked away. And while I know I have a way to go, I am proud of the progress I've made and the work I've done.
I'm working my own recovery process at my own pace. Progress, not perfection. And I've made some good progress, if I do say so myself! Not so long ago, I would have freaked out on my husband and I'd be a hot mess right now. I kept my cool with him. I said my piece and I walked away. And while I know I have a way to go, I am proud of the progress I've made and the work I've done.
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I don't know your situation but how is he when he's sober? Is he a liar, cheat and a thief. May be he's worth not giving up on. Only you know whether or not he's jerking your chain. I read that Betty Ford's family never gave up on her. People's paths to recovery can be very different. I was the relapse queen and am ever so grateful that some friends (not all) and most of my family didn't give up on me.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
**********{Cecilia}}}}}}
(I always hear Simon & Garfunkel in my head when I type that...)
(I always hear Simon & Garfunkel in my head when I type that...)
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Originally Posted by JBird100
I don't know your situation but how is he when he's sober? Is he a liar, cheat and a thief. May be he's worth not giving up on. Only you know whether or not he's jerking your chain. I read that Betty Ford's family never gave up on her. People's paths to recovery can be very different. I was the relapse queen and am ever so grateful that some friends (not all) and most of my family didn't give up on me.
When he's sober, he's a great guy. The glimpses of the real, sober him that I've seen lately were so refreshing and reminded me of who he is and can be. I'm not sure if that makes all this better or worse right now though - I know he's still in there and he can get out and be himself again if he lets himself, and it's just so disappointing to see him fall back into it again.
And I think he's jerking his own chain more so than mine. He may have gone to rehab and has gone to a lot more meetings than I have, but I think I'm a lot more cognizant of the power of this thing than he is.
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Originally Posted by wicked
Now the song is going to reverb all night!
Cecilia,
Sending more strength and hugs to you.
I have had a similar dream as yours with the outside staircase falling away, but I land hard, and unscathed. The free falling feeling is over and I feel safe then. It is strange, but I have had it more than once.
I am sorry for the silly ramble.
Beth
And no, not a silly ramble at all! Isn't it odd how our dreams can carry such powerful messages? At this point of my own recovery, my falling dream was telling me that I need to reach out to others and let them help me (working on it). Sounds like yours is saying you that you are strong enough to go through something scary, fall, and pick yourself back up again. (No wonder you have that spare strength to send me!
)
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When I went up to New York last year to hear J.K. Rowling read from her new book, I had an extra ticket that I sold on CraigsList to a mom who wanted it for her daughter, who attends college in New York. I met the young lady and we went to the reading together. Her mom had told me, when she bought the ticket, that her confirmation name was Hedwig. Yes, there was a St. Hedwig. You have to be a Harry Potter fan to appreciate it.
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My confirmation name was Gwendolyn. I am sure I picked her name for the sound of it rather than her actions to become a saint, because I don't remember that!
Now, I want to know.
Hmm, and the words to "Cecilia".
Now, I want to know.
Hmm, and the words to "Cecilia".
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Originally Posted by wicked
My confirmation name was Gwendolyn. I am sure I picked her name for the sound of it rather than her actions to become a saint, because I don't remember that!
Now, I want to know.
Hmm, and the words to "Cecilia".
Now, I want to know.
Hmm, and the words to "Cecilia".
Popular devotion interpreted Gwen's unusual physical and spiritual fecundity by God's gift to her of a third breast. Her iconography naïvely followed suit. Gwen is invoked for women's fertility.
...and
She is interpreted by Dyfed Lloyd Evans as having been a euhemerized mother goddess.
Personally, I kinda like the goddess one better!
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Difficult marriages - Saint Elizabeth/Saint Cecilia
On the same site, I saw that Cecilia is about poets, musicians, singers, the throat and more.
Saint Gwendolyn, I think I picked it because it was obscure and from Scotland or Wales.
maybe both.
The words to Cecilia, hmmm, I think the guy was addicted to a girl who definitely was not a saint!
I got up to wash my face,
When I come back to bed,
Someone's taken my place.
When I come back to bed,
Someone's taken my place.
I do love the internet. grateful for my computer and some people to connect with.
Beth
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She is interpreted by Dyfed Lloyd Evans as having been a euhemerized mother goddess.
Personally, I kinda like the goddess one better!
Personally, I kinda like the goddess one better!
a third breast? oh dear! oh my goodness. That is hilarious!
I must have read fecundity as beautiful. heeheeheehee
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I probably shouldn't post here since I'm early in recovery. But I have been following your story and rooting for you guys. You and your husband. I too went to rehab and within 4 days drank again. My IOP that I was supposed to attend just wasn't what I needed. I found a better one that is SO much better and has really been what I needed to find strength. I hope he can find something that gives him the strength as well. I do know that like you said you can't make him not want to drink and he will find a way.
I really hope that he will see how much you care for him and how blessed he is that you are still there rooting for him. You are a wonderful person and I really hope your recovery goes well too. You do what you need to keep yourself healthy no matter what. I will say a prayer for your husband that he finds the strength and hope to finally give it up for good. If he doesn't you have tried your best and he has been lucky to have you by his side.
I hope you aren't offended that I posted but I am rooting for you guys and really hoping he finds a way to get and stay sober. ((HUGS))
I really hope that he will see how much you care for him and how blessed he is that you are still there rooting for him. You are a wonderful person and I really hope your recovery goes well too. You do what you need to keep yourself healthy no matter what. I will say a prayer for your husband that he finds the strength and hope to finally give it up for good. If he doesn't you have tried your best and he has been lucky to have you by his side.
I hope you aren't offended that I posted but I am rooting for you guys and really hoping he finds a way to get and stay sober. ((HUGS))
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I know there are several ways to work our own recoveries. I am just curious which one you are using.
I tried several but for me, alanon was what finally helped me stopped being so enmeshed in my husbands problems and put the focus back on me .....and even that has been a slow learning process!
I tried several but for me, alanon was what finally helped me stopped being so enmeshed in my husbands problems and put the focus back on me .....and even that has been a slow learning process!
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I don't think Anvilhead means to make you feel uncomfortable. Each of us has different 'methods" so to speak in responding and offering advice. The combination of some responses which are just 'thinking of you" all the way down to "forthright, no sugarcoating" are necessary. When you come on an open forum that's what you get.
We have all been there certainly when I came on last year I did not like a lot of the responses I was getting. I didn't want to be told what was going to happen it infuriated me (how do YOU know? You don't KNOW my AH). While the details of each situation are different the end result is all the same and those 'prophecies' came true. Our purpose on here to support each other to guide and help.
Anyone who is responding is showing they care. For me those forthright responses are the ones I looked for in the end.
I'm sorry he picked up, I am not surprised. I, like Anvilhead, do not support that he was really every in recovery. It is an important point because it will tell you what's coming next, and it sure does help with not being constantly disappointed!.
(((HUGS))) I am very, very sorry for what you are going through and kudos on the changes you are making for yourself.
We have all been there certainly when I came on last year I did not like a lot of the responses I was getting. I didn't want to be told what was going to happen it infuriated me (how do YOU know? You don't KNOW my AH). While the details of each situation are different the end result is all the same and those 'prophecies' came true. Our purpose on here to support each other to guide and help.
Anyone who is responding is showing they care. For me those forthright responses are the ones I looked for in the end.
I'm sorry he picked up, I am not surprised. I, like Anvilhead, do not support that he was really every in recovery. It is an important point because it will tell you what's coming next, and it sure does help with not being constantly disappointed!.
(((HUGS))) I am very, very sorry for what you are going through and kudos on the changes you are making for yourself.
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Yup, that's pretty much what recovery is all about--warm hugs interspersed with cold truths.
I relate a lot to Cecilia, because it's pretty much the way I am, by nature. I always want to hope for the best, give people the benefit of the doubt. I've gotten much better at being realistic about the fact that good intentions do not always carry through in actions. It's especially frustrating when you sense that the alcoholic "sort of" gets it. You're like, Dude, yeah, THAT'S the way to do it. Only it turns out that they are repeating what they've been told, or what they've heard in meetings or in treatment, but they really don't BELIEVE it yet.
Nobody can predict with absolute certainty whether someone will finally come around, and how long that might take, or what else might need to happen before they are finally willing to surrender. For a lot of people they have to be hit over the head repeatedly to grasp the idea of powerlessness--that all the good intentions and remorse in the world don't mean squat if you are still thinking you can manage an addiction on your own.
I have a good friend who has been struggling with his drinking for a very long time. He has been at the "high functioning" stage for many years, and several recent events have shaken him up to the point where he SAYS he is ready to quit, for good. He has been taking some direction, but I'm still not certain that deep down, he gets it. I asked a couple of my long-time recovered friends about it, and what they said is very true, I think. They suggested that I pray for him to receive the "gift of desperation." I know, for me, that was what it took. Granted, I felt desperate before some of the horrendous things that a lot of other people have to experience before they feel that, but it still was there.
That's why all of the propping up, and helping in various ways, don't really help the alcoholic, and actually prolong the moment of truth. Sobriety is something you need to desperately want, to go through everything you have to go through to recover--to actually change the course of the river of addiction, and to realize you can't do it on your own power.
I relate a lot to Cecilia, because it's pretty much the way I am, by nature. I always want to hope for the best, give people the benefit of the doubt. I've gotten much better at being realistic about the fact that good intentions do not always carry through in actions. It's especially frustrating when you sense that the alcoholic "sort of" gets it. You're like, Dude, yeah, THAT'S the way to do it. Only it turns out that they are repeating what they've been told, or what they've heard in meetings or in treatment, but they really don't BELIEVE it yet.
Nobody can predict with absolute certainty whether someone will finally come around, and how long that might take, or what else might need to happen before they are finally willing to surrender. For a lot of people they have to be hit over the head repeatedly to grasp the idea of powerlessness--that all the good intentions and remorse in the world don't mean squat if you are still thinking you can manage an addiction on your own.
I have a good friend who has been struggling with his drinking for a very long time. He has been at the "high functioning" stage for many years, and several recent events have shaken him up to the point where he SAYS he is ready to quit, for good. He has been taking some direction, but I'm still not certain that deep down, he gets it. I asked a couple of my long-time recovered friends about it, and what they said is very true, I think. They suggested that I pray for him to receive the "gift of desperation." I know, for me, that was what it took. Granted, I felt desperate before some of the horrendous things that a lot of other people have to experience before they feel that, but it still was there.
That's why all of the propping up, and helping in various ways, don't really help the alcoholic, and actually prolong the moment of truth. Sobriety is something you need to desperately want, to go through everything you have to go through to recover--to actually change the course of the river of addiction, and to realize you can't do it on your own power.
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Originally Posted by cleareyes
I probably shouldn't post here since I'm early in recovery. But I have been following your story and rooting for you guys. You and your husband. I too went to rehab and within 4 days drank again. My IOP that I was supposed to attend just wasn't what I needed. I found a better one that is SO much better and has really been what I needed to find strength. I hope he can find something that gives him the strength as well. I do know that like you said you can't make him not want to drink and he will find a way.
I really hope that he will see how much you care for him and how blessed he is that you are still there rooting for him. You are a wonderful person and I really hope your recovery goes well too. You do what you need to keep yourself healthy no matter what. I will say a prayer for your husband that he finds the strength and hope to finally give it up for good. If he doesn't you have tried your best and he has been lucky to have you by his side.
I hope you aren't offended that I posted but I am rooting for you guys and really hoping he finds a way to get and stay sober. ((HUGS))
I really hope that he will see how much you care for him and how blessed he is that you are still there rooting for him. You are a wonderful person and I really hope your recovery goes well too. You do what you need to keep yourself healthy no matter what. I will say a prayer for your husband that he finds the strength and hope to finally give it up for good. If he doesn't you have tried your best and he has been lucky to have you by his side.
I hope you aren't offended that I posted but I am rooting for you guys and really hoping he finds a way to get and stay sober. ((HUGS))
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Doing my best today. At one point this morning, he asked me how I was doing. I said ok. He asked if I was going to talk to him and I said I dunno and shrugged. The most we spoke so far today was when he said he was going out to get Gatorade & asked if I needed anything from the store. Told him to pick up dog food, and when he returned and told me what he got, I said ok.
Been mostly keeping to myself this morning. I am well overdue for a haircut - it's been 2.5 years. (I grow it long and then shear it every couple years for donation.) I spent a bit of the morning playing around with a hair/makeover site picking a haircut for myself, and I just made an appointment. Gonna toss myself together and go do something nice for myself. Proud that I finally made this step - been putting this off for quite some time!
Been mostly keeping to myself this morning. I am well overdue for a haircut - it's been 2.5 years. (I grow it long and then shear it every couple years for donation.) I spent a bit of the morning playing around with a hair/makeover site picking a haircut for myself, and I just made an appointment. Gonna toss myself together and go do something nice for myself. Proud that I finally made this step - been putting this off for quite some time!
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I am rocking my new haircut. Husband was a little shocked when I left somewhat abruptly for the appointment yesterday - he was on a work call and I tossed myself together & just motioned to him that I was going to get a haircut and I left. I have to say, that was somewhat empowering.
It was glorious to go do something nice for myself. The stylist was fantastic - he's a sweet and funny guy and he made me feel good about myself. I was there for almost two hours, and it was great. I feel so much lighter, figuratively and literally. I lopped off FIFTEEN INCHES! (Did I mention that my hair was out of control?!)
I have a few chores & tasks I have to do today, but I'm going to do my best to do more fun stuff for me. Just because he's not taking good care of himself doesn't mean that I shouldn't or can't take good care of me.
It was glorious to go do something nice for myself. The stylist was fantastic - he's a sweet and funny guy and he made me feel good about myself. I was there for almost two hours, and it was great. I feel so much lighter, figuratively and literally. I lopped off FIFTEEN INCHES! (Did I mention that my hair was out of control?!)
I have a few chores & tasks I have to do today, but I'm going to do my best to do more fun stuff for me. Just because he's not taking good care of himself doesn't mean that I shouldn't or can't take good care of me.
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