How to work through relapse?

Old 04-21-2013, 04:39 PM
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It would get me out of the house, I'd be doing good, I'd get to play with other doggies, and maybe I'll make a couple friends along the way. I could really use some more human contact and conversation outside of family and work.
This sounds like a wonderful idea. Take care of the dogs and you will surely get all that good stuff back.

Beth
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Old 04-24-2013, 03:40 PM
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Sooooo, AH has decided on a sober living facility and will be moving there this Saturday - wow! He had a pass from rehab on Monday to see two places. One was kinda grimey and had an opening, and the other he really liked but was full (and he knows two other people from rehab there, too). So he got another pass on Tuesday to go visit two more places - one was "meh" and the other was pretty nice & happened to have an opening, so he decided to go back there today and put down his deposit & make plans for move in this weekend.

Part of me can't even believe this is actually happening! I'm still really glad that I stuck with my decision to not have him come home right after rehab, but it's all so surreal. I know it's the right choice, but I wish it was a choice I didn't have to make. I'm resisting the urge to offer to help him with the transition from rehab to sober living, and MAN it's hard! He's got most of the belongings he'll need, and he apparently needs to bring a combination lockbox with him to store his meds in, but since he's got his car with him at rehab, he can do this all on his own and can pick up whatever else he needs. I have to keep reminding myself that he's a grown man who's fully capable of taking care of himself if he wishes to.

I also spoke with my mom last night for a bit. I told her a few days ago that AH would be going to a sober living facility post-rehab, and she was pretty pleased to hear it - mostly because it was my idea and because it's so I can focus on me more without distractions and with less of a chance of me falling back into my old ways. She told me last night that she's really proud of me for how I'm handling everything and that I'm a much better person than she is (she'd have kicked him out long ago). I told her that I don't think I'm a better person than her or anyone else - just trying to do my best in a bad situation and to make the best I can of it. I consider life to be a journey - sometimes the path we find ourselves on isn't one that we would necessarily choose, but it may be one that we need and/or can learn something from. So I'm doing my damnedest to learn and grow from this whole "unscheduled detour" of living with and loving a A.

Oh, and on the topic of me taking care of me, I scheduled my follow up appointment with my doc for this Friday. Going to check in to see how the meds are doing and pick up my referrals for a dermatologist & for counseling. I've actually been feeling a bit better & a little less tired the last couple days, so that's good. Getting my arse to bed a bit earlier and taking my meds a smidgen later in the day seem to be helping a little. I think that once I get on a regular sleep schedule for a couple weeks and once my body gets used to the meds, I'll be doing a-okay.

And hopefully I'll actually be able to finally meet AH's counselor tomorrow - so far, we're still on schedule for meeting tomorrow evening. Again, given the past scheduling difficulties, I'm not holding my breath for it to happen, but it *would* be nice to have a meeting with AH and her to check in.
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Old 04-25-2013, 05:07 PM
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Well, no go on the appointment with the counselor. AH cancelled it. Said that since he's about to leave rehab, it would make more sense at this point to meet with someone with whom we'll be able to meet again and have some continuity. Makes sense I guess, but I was kind of looking forward to the session.

And AH also has made a change to his living arrangements - he dropped off the deposit check with his second choice place yesterday, but he got a call today from his first choice saying a bed had opened up. SO he put on his big boy pants, made some calls, and arranged to get the deposit check back from the second choice and arranged to stay at his first choice. I have to say, I'm somewhat impressed that he took care of this all by himself. I'm not going to throw him a party or anything for it, but it's refreshing to see him doing things that he traditionally would ask me for help with.

Anywho, I am glad he was able to get into his first choice of sober living facilities. He knows a couple people there already (they were in his rehab facility), and it's also closer to his work (good for him) and closer to home (10-15 minutes away...good for me, cuz he'll likely be able to help with the dog on my late work days!). It's also a bit less expensive than the other place, so that's got my inner accountant happy as well.

Enough about him, though - back to me! Work is CRAZY right now. I was juuuuust getting my feet under me & getting caught up, but it looks like I'll be taking on a new role that I'll really like. There's so much flux going on though, and it's a little dizzying. Restructuring. New responsibilities. New projects. I've also had a few fiascoes rear their ugly heads this week, but I've been able to manage them and massage some unhappy customers back into a happy place (or at least a not-as-unhappy place).

I feel fantastic and overwhelmed and excited and afraid all at the same time. But it's mostly the fantastic and excited that I'm trying to focus on. I have been complacent for some time at work. I've been pushing to get a title bump (and a salary bump, hello!) since I have responsibilities multiple salary grades above my title. According to my job title, I should be a level one tech person that needs constant supervision, when in reality, the level one folks escalate things to me, I manage several key services, and my manager has flat out told me that she loves that she doesn't need to really manage me!

With a new assignment and lots of new responsibilities coming up, there's a much better chance that I'll be able to get that title/money bump - I'm not sure when, and I'm not even sure it will happen (hopefully the backing of my manager and the department head will help!), but at least I'll be doing stuff that I really like and getting some good experience and having some real impact at work. The projects I'm working on now and in the near future will really shape the way we work and hopefully help to improve the services provided. I'm really excited about that prospect. I love to troubleshoot, but I want to get out of front-line help desk troubleshooting and move on to service management and troubleshooting processes, communication, service provision, etc. This is going to be a crazy next few months as all this restructuring and reassignment goes on, and the transition will be hairy and scary at times, but I'm really excited to dig my heels in and do some great work that will really make an impact and that will exercise & excite my brain.
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Old 04-27-2013, 08:50 AM
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Well, today is THE day. AH is getting out of rehab and is going to his sober living facility. I've got all sorts of mixed up feelings right now. It's hard to resist the urge to sit around, waiting for his call and making sure I'm here & available when he stops by the house to pick up some stuff. He's changed his plans/schedule for today at least twice already, and I know I can't just hang on his actions/decisions, so I'm doing the best I can to focus on me.

So far, so good. I got up about 6:30 & walked the dog (SO glad he let me sleep past 6!), trolled around SR for a bit, and then I made myself an uncharacteristically decadent breakfast - scrambled eggs, cinnamon toast, pancetta, OJ, and coffee. YUM! I totally could take a nap after eating that much in one sitting, but it was super yummy and I need the fuel and the calories.

Speaking of calories...did my follow up with the doc yesterday. She wanted to see me a couple weeks into taking zoloft and I needed to pick up referrals and copies of my blood test results. With all the excessive nomming I've been doing, I didn't gain a freaking ounce, RAWR! I weigh the same as I was the last time I was there a couple weeks ago. On the positive side, at least I didn't lose anything? Sigh. Anywho, all in all, doing well. Turns out they were able to run cholesterol tests after all, but forgot to tell me, which I found out when I looked at the copy of the blood work. Overall number is a bit high (249), but my "good" HDL cholesterol is high, so that's great news. Doc said no need to put me on drugs since I'm at low risk for heart disease and since the good cholesterol is high and can help "scrub out" the bad stuffs. I guess all this solo dog walking duty is doing me some good and has helped me get the HDLs up, hooray! The doc was pretty funny at one point - she said that she normally recommends cardio exercise for folks who need to bring their cholesterol numbers down, and while she didn't want to exactly recommend that I NOT exercise, she kinda did, lol! So I have to find some sort of balance between not burning too many calories so I don't lose more weight and keeping myself moving to keep my good cholesterol numbers up. More leisurely dog walks for me I guess, and some more high-calorie meals to try to beef up a bit and get back to a healthier weight.

Still trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my day today. I may hit a meeting, I dunno. I am feeling like I need some support and social interaction. I have a few chores to do as well - cleaning, sorting through mail, bills, etc. I'm going to get myself moving and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. As long as I keep going forward and doing what I want and what I need, I'm sure it will take me someplace I want to be.
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Old 04-27-2013, 08:58 AM
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GO TO A MEETING! Do not underestimate the emotional stress of having your husband out of rehab and not home with you. For good and bad. The meeting will go far toward giving you a healthy equilibrium when your feelings start weighing on you.

This isn't easy, so arm yourself appropriately.
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Old 04-27-2013, 02:01 PM
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Thanks, stella. I did go to a meeting today, and I'm glad I did. I needed to hear today's message - autonomy. I bawled at my first Al Anon meeting, and I bawled again today at my second meeting. But it was good to share and to hear others' stories as well about what autonomy means to them. For me, it means finding my own way, being in charge of my own life, and letting others be in charge of theirs. VERY timely topic for me right now!

I talked to AH a few minutes ago, and his plans have changed again for today - glad I didn't sit around waiting for him! He's getting settled in and is hitting a second meeting early this evening, and he will be stopping by later to pick up some stuff and to visit for a bit. I told him to bring dinner, lol! Crying my eyes out at that meeting took a lot out of me and I'm tired, so for now, I'm going to rest a bit. The cleaning and other chores can wait until later or tomorrow.
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Old 04-27-2013, 02:25 PM
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YES, rest. It's funny that I had to go to a counselor to tell me that it's okay to rest. That taking care of myself is important. That considering the emotional toll on myself from the past few years is a reasonable thing to do, and that I should be kind to myself.

Rest. It makes all the difference in your ability to reason.
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Old 05-25-2013, 07:53 AM
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Hi all! WOW, it's been so long since I've visited, figured it's time for an update...and I missed you all and your kindness and support!

Things are going pretty well. I feel like I'm finally "chemically" balanced with the zoloft - I've been waking up in a great mood, and it's SUCH a wonderful feeling to start the day feeling good.

I've been keeping up with my Smart Recovery meetings, although I do need to work harder on "doing my homework" and making/sticking to plans & goals for myself. BUT I did make some more progress - I have my first counseling session next week, and I've been working to communicate my needs and just generally communicate better with my husband and others.

I'm much more aware of my own needs than I ever have been. I've found that, at least for me, there's stages: awareness, acknowledgement, acceptance, action, and then real change. In some areas, I'm doing really well and have taken action and have seen change. In other areas, I'm at acceptance but am stuck on action. One thing that I think is really going to help me make progress with my husband is couples counseling - we're working with his IOP counselor, who just happens to have been a couples counselor before he started working at the rehab center. He's FANTASTIC. We had our first session last week, and we're hoping to have another session next week. We spent most of the first session setting expectations/goals and discussing where we are. The counselor obviously knows my husband better than me since they've spent much more time together, so I basically had to tell him where I'm at and my perspective on the goings-on (he already knows DH's perspective!). A HUGE eye-opener for me was when the counselor asked me whether I've acknowledged that I've been through trauma...I was aware in some way, but I haven't fully acknowledged it or verbalized it and certainly haven't fully accepted it either. Biggest tear-jerker moment was when I looked DH in the eye and told him that I don't trust him. That was incredibly hard. This isn't going to be an easy road, but if we're going to give this a go, there's some hard work ahead. I'm looking forward to it.

DH is doing well, too. He's still at the sober living facility and seems to have settled in well. He's going to IOP, AA meetings (often more than one a day), & therapy. He's back to work and is back in the swing of things there. We don't get to see each other too often, but we try to make the best of the time we have together. He stops by at least one evening a week, and then we try to spend as much time together as we can on the weekends. Biggest change is that we're not just hanging out at home...we're DOING THINGS. We've tried two new restaurants in the neighborhood, and we went to a movie last weekend. This weekend, we're going to see if we can take a short day-trip to Indiana...we just wanna get out and about, and plus, cigarettes and gas are way cheaper there than in Chicago, lol!

I'm back to cooking regularly again, and although I've fallen off the cleaning wagon, I don't care so much...at this point, I'd rather focus my energies on things that make me happy/relaxed/sane than on keeping this place in tip-top shape. Work is going well, too. I was nominated for an excellence in service award, and even though I didn't win, I did get to have a yummy celebratory breakfast and skip half a day of work for the ceremony. I'm excited about the projects that I'm working on, and I'm getting really good feedback on the work I'm doing - I don't do it for the kudos, but it's still nice to get an "atta girl!" every now and again! My manager is working to get me a new title (and a new salary!) that's more befitting of my efforts and abilities and my new job focus. We collaborated on making a new job description for me, and at this point, it's in the CIO's hands. I've got my manager's backing, and from the sounds of it, the support of the CIO & other high-ranking people in the department, so hopefully that will carry some weight with HR - they're really the final say on what my title and salary grade are, so I'm hopeful that I'll see a title bump and a salary bump, although I don't know just when yet. The hardest part is that although my new position isn't yet official, I'm picking up new responsibilities and projects while having to keep up with my old ones. It's forced me to get much better at prioritizing and managing my time. So far, so good, but I can't wait until I can just focus on the new stuff and leave the old stuff behind.

I gotta say, all in all, I'm feeling good. There is still a lot of work to do. I have no illusions there. I need to get off my butt and get some hobbies and get out of the house. I made no action on the volunteering side just yet, mostly because I've been busy and a bit tired...but I am feeling better rested (less pooped from the zoloft, hallelujah) and have to stop with the excuses and just DO IT. Much room for improvement, but still way better than where I have been. I'm happy about the progress I've made, and I'm looking forward to the progress to come...
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Old 05-25-2013, 08:07 AM
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I feel everything that you are going through and know you are not alone! I too have had the misfortune of watching my AH act like a complete A**. We have a similar story - I went out of town and came back to find my AH had relapsed after 9 months sober. It was like he was waiting for me to leave so he could live it up. I was so pissed I dropped him off at the emergency room to detox and that was 6 weeks ago. He went to rehab and then to a place in Florida to continue his recovery. It's amazing to me how much we are willing to put up with. Just keep setting your boundaries and taking care of you! The less you allow his actions to affect you and can detach the better you will be able to make decisions for yourself. Work the program - it works...
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Old 05-25-2013, 08:08 AM
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Hey, C,

Great to hear all the positive news! I've been wondering how things were going for you.

You sound terrific. Keep at it--all this will pay off, big-time!
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