How to work through relapse?
 

So I've been home less than two hours from my weekend trip away, and it hasn't been a great homecoming. I came home to find that my husband relapsed after about 38 days sober (~31 of which were in rehab). I called him from the airport when I landed, and he told me he was home and that he wasn't going to his IOP tonight because he was too tired, just wanted to be home, but that he was doing good. I practically smelled it through the phone. He said he did everything he needed to at work and wanted to come home early because he wanted to see me. Hmm. Okay.

I came home and just knew it. I could see it. After I got my very emphatic greeting home from the dog, I talked with him. I encouraged him to be honest with me. He told me a story of how he had a panic attack this morning and ended up coming home early from work because of it, and that the panic attack was why he was acting "off." I've heard this panic attack story before. I'm not stupid. I've lived with an alcoholic for a while, and I know the signs and I know all the stories. His behavior was degrading as we talked more. I talked to him as calmly, but firmly, as I could muster. I finally just said, "Tell me when you started again." He didn't respond. I said it again. He looked at me and said, "So you know." Yes, I'm no fool. He told me he started Friday, which was the day before I left for my short weekend trip to see my family.

I was terrified that this would happen. Part of me knew it would happen. Before he left rehab, we had one last session with his counselors to talk about what would happen if he did come home & drank again.

Our deal was that if he relapsed and was honest, he would talk to his counselors about next steps. He wasn't entirely honest. He's been hiding it from me since Friday. He wasn't honest about it when I got home. He said he was going to skip his IOP tonight because he was tired, and tired of recovery. I knew then for sure that he had been drinking. I told him he had choices: not drink & stick with recovery, drink & be honest about it & talk to his counselors about next steps in his recovery, or drink and find someplace else to go. But it's very simple - no recovery, no honesty, no trust, no future. It's up to him. I will not live with the lies and the hiding and the drinking. I didn't like who he was and I didn't like who it made me.

Now he's laid out on the couch, sleeping it off. He had at least most of a pint today. The last words I told him before he went to nod off and before I walked off were that I didn't want to talk to him while he was drunk, that I'd be better off talking to a wall, and that we'd have a serious talk when he sobered up.

Oy, he actually just woke up as I was typing this up, and he came over to say he was sorry for lying to me. He was afraid to tell me. He was afraid that I'd kick him out and make him go back to rehab. I told him that it wouldn't be a bad idea to go back. I told him that HE was the one who said he would go back to rehab if he drank and lied. Then I reminded him that I didn't want to talk to him when he was drunk, so we stopped talking.

Ugh, so now what?! I'm not freaking out (which is a little weird, I'm oddly calm, although very frustrated and I've got quite the headache), and I know I need to keep my main focus on me & my well-being, so I will do that. But how do I be supportive of him through this should he choose to work through this relapse and get back on the recovery wagon? How do I do that without losing myself again in the process? Ugh. Just ugh.

I once told my therapist I wanted to "be there" for him and "support" him when he got sober. She smiled and told me that was my ego talking. She said he didn't need me, he needed AA. I think the best thing you can do is continue with YOUR recovery. He's going to do whatever he's going to do. He doesn't need your support, he needs to get back to work on being sober. He has professionals to help him with that.

L

Ditto to what LTD says.

You knew the odds were high. You went and had a great time regardless. He chose to drink. That's on him, Cecilia. Staying home to babysit a grown man is not going to prevent him from doing what he wants. And right now, he still wants to drink.

Sigh. Yeah, I know. And he does certainly still want to drink - I took a long hot shower to try to steam away my headache, and he came in to use the bathroom while I was in there (we only have one)...and he didn't leave. Just sat there on the toilet. Finally, I peek my head out and he's lolling around. He drank the rest of the pint while I was in the shower for barely 5 minutes. Seriously?! I finally had to help him out the freakin door & try to keep him from falling over in the bathroom while trying to shield myself behind the shower curtain (no way he's seeing these goods right now!). When I got out of the shower & got dressed, I opened the door to find him standing there, still struggling to button his pants. He had his shoes & jacket on & was planning on walking the dog. I lost my cool. I scurried him into the bedroom and told him to sleep it off, he's not walking the dog if he can't even button his pants, I took off his shoes (not for him, but for ME because I didn't want the shoes on the bed), and told him to stay off my pillows. I told him that either he calls his counselors and figures out next steps in recovery, or he goes back to rehab, or we're done and he finds someplace else to live. I also told him that if he's trying to sh*t on everything and push us towards divorce, that he's doing a bang up job. I know he's looped and barely any of it sunk it, but I couldn't help myself, I got mad. I said some choice words. I'm not proud of myself. So much for my progress in my recovery, RAWR! :gaah

I went back into the bedroom a short while later to pull out my pillows, and he was just as I left him - sideways with his legs dangling off the bed. Guess I didn't have to pull those shoes off after all! He opened his eyes when I pulled my pillows off the bed, but didn't say a thing, and neither did I.

So much for steaming my headache away. My head is now POUNDING. :headbange Trying to find some peace. Waiting for advil to kick in. I'm going to nosh on something and maybe catch up on Walking Dead since I missed it last night. I hope some good zombie action puts me in a better mood!

I told him he had choices: not drink & stick with recovery, drink & be honest about it & talk to his counselors about next steps in his recovery, or drink and find someplace else to go. But it's very simple - no recovery, no honesty, no trust, no future. It's up to him. I will not live with the lies and the hiding and the drinking.

He had at least most of a pint today

he IS drinking. according to the if/then/but chart above, that means he finds somewhere else to go.

here you are talking about supporting his RECOVERY, and he's STILL DRINKING!!!! now is the time for YOU to Walk the Walk.

Alas, he's an alcoholic and your life shouldn't focus on his disease. It's common for newly sober alcoholics to relapse; he may or may not get sober again. I hope you put the focus on you and your recovery, the only area you can control.

UGH .. I am so sorry. Actually, I got a little sick reading your post as it brought back memories of when I realized my DS had relapsed after coming home from 7 months away at rehab/sober living. Oddly, at first, I was calm, too. And, then by the end of the day, I was loony tunes. The next day even worse- because, like you, now I had to do what I said I was going to do if he drank again.

The good news is that after DS had his relapse and was out of the house for around a week. Spent time at his GF's house, but by the end of the week had nowhere to go. He spent one night outside in the middle of winter. It was HARD- really hard- on all of us. He was pretty desperate and knew he needed help. He went back to rehab for 21 days and has now been sober over 60 days and working the program hard going to meetings daily and working the steps.

So, I hope this is just a relapse and he will realize quickly that he can't moderate it. My RAS said at the time that he felt he could now control his drinking and questioned whether or not he was an alcoholic. He learned quickly he could not just drink a little.

I wish serenity for you to get through this. I know hard freaking hard it is.

That's the problem with spelling out those consequences--if you don't follow through on them, they are pretty meaningless. Are you ready to kick him out of the house, or to leave, yourself? And what if you kick him out and he refuses to go?

The way I put it to my second husband was simply that I was reaching the end of my rope, and that if things continued as they were, I was leaving--that I was not going to stick around and watch him self-destruct. I gave him "x" number of chances INTERNALLY. And when I had enough, I made my plans and left. By the time I had my stuff packed up and made my own plans for how I wanted to proceed, I was ready to go. If I had changed my mind any time up until the point I walked out the door I could do it without hurting my credibility. But the process of preparing to leave finalized my decision. I wasn't talking, I was WALKING.

Before you have any major discussions about future consequences, maybe you want to give it more thought. How patient are you willing to be? Bearing in mind that you cannot be privy to all of his thought process or know for certain how much he really wants to be sober and how hard he is actually working at his recovery (because you can't be de-briefing him every day about what he has done for his recovery every day), and also bearing in mind that some people do slip several times before they really get serious about what they are doing, and that some people slip even when they are trying, and that some people never "get it," do you really want to set specific criteria right now? Maybe you want to wait and see a bit.

Just some things to think about...

Dear Cecelia, he is doing what alcoholics do. He is not doing this AT YOU. This has to do with a battle that is going on in his head with this ugly disease. The disease is telling him that he can still drink. The disease causes powerful cravings that blot out everything. It takes all the determination that the alcoholic can muster to stay abstinent and WORKING A STRONG PROGRAM.

Alcoholics are told in rehab and AA that abstinence is the only thing that puts the disease in remission---- but, most don't buy it right away. Giving up the thing that they love the very most in life is too hard to swallow. Thus, relapse is common. They still believe that they are unique--that they can still drink a little.

Rehab isn't recovery--it prepares a person to BEGIN their recovery. It seems that this is learned only through experience for most alcoholics. THIS DISEASE DOES NOT GIVE UP EASILY.

Understanding this will keep you from having unrealistic expectations of your loved one--and from having needless resentments that he just wants to "HURT" you. Recovery and healing lies in working the 12 steps with a sponsor --not just attending a few AA meetings. I think he needs AA now more than he needs rehab (my personal opinion).:headbange

However, his recovery is his business to attend to. All you can do is to decide what you will or will not live with.

sincerely, dandylion

I believe even the best rehabs have about a 10% recovery rate. I suppose if he stops now it will be better than a week long bender. It sounds as if he is a serious alcoholic drinking a pint at a time & stumbling around.

Exactly...
 

...so now you stick with the deal. What was the deal? Now do that. If you can't, it's on you. If he can't, it's on him but you still stick with the deal.

He's testing you to see if you will simply stay the codependent enabler you were. Now is the time you answer that question.

Good luck.

Cyranoak

To be fair, I did tell him this today to recap what we discussed about relapse with his counselors before he left rehab. What's done is done right now - he's in no shape for him to discuss, make decisions, or go anywhere. When he "comes to" then I can actually talk with him and not with the alcohol. I had hoped he'd make it through without stumbles and relapses, but I knew the odds. Now I just have to figure out how to move forward.

Thanks, LC. Sage advice. I think before I declare any more edicts, I sit with myself and think. Right now, it's less important what he says and more important what he does. And I need to plan and process.

The ever so slightly good-ish part is that he's drunk enough that he won't remember much of what happened today since I got home. Never thought I'd think it was good that he'd be drunk and not remember, but I doubt he'll actually remember he words I said out of pain and anger, and that does in some twisted way help me to retain some sort of credibility.

I hope that he does what he should do, which is talk to his counselors and make a plan to get back on the wagon & at least go back to meetings and his IOP. But if he doesn't, I need to make my plan about what I will do.

For now, I'm going to insert my brain-to-mouth filter and muzzle myself on the long term consequence discussions until I can get some clarity. In the meantime, I am going to try to just be. And I'm going to try to not mommy him and coddle him. Which is going to be hard, especially since he has a jury duty notice that he has to call for tomorrow morning. The notice came in while he was still in rehab, and so far, I've resisted the urge to tell him he can/should call and ask for it to be postponed, and MAN that was a hard one to swallow & let him try to figure out for himself. Even the little things like that are hard.

Sounds like a good idea. Nothing wrong with telling him he won't have infinite chances--that eventually you will have had all you can bear and that when you reach your limit, there may be no going back. You can even say you can't say where that line will be, but if it is crossed, there may be irreparable damage at that point.

Having said that, seriously, in a sober conversation, you can shut up about it for the time being.

There are a few problems with drawing lines in the sand. I often think when we say things like that, we are really being coercive. Obviously, there are some absolutes, such as where physical abuse occurs. But when it is to pressure someone to change something like drinking, force doesn't work. Even if he quits, he feels like he is knuckling under to your demands. If he DOESN'T quit, you don't win either way. Either you leave before you are truly ready (just because you made the threat), or you stay and you feel weak and ineffectual (even if you shouldn't, because nobody can force something like this).

When it is time to leave, when you have truly put up with all that you can, or want to, you can leave without a speech, sadly but knowing you are doing the right thing. If you must leave, it's best not to have those lingering regrets.

I had NO regrets when I left. I left before I hated him. I was sad he could/would not get well, but I felt I had been as supportive as I could, as understanding as possible, but I felt there was no foreseeable prospect of his getting sober and staying that way. At that point I was simply done, the way I was done when I had my last drink.

his jury duty phone call is NOT the issue...it's just easier to focus on.
thing is....YOU have a drunk in your home today. again. you have hope in what he WILL do and yet what he ends up doing is......this.

I know...the jury duty notice is not THE issue, but it's an extra issue that's an added trigger for my codie ways. It's honestly really hard to not fall back into old patterns and call for him.

At this point, all I'm equipped to handle in my tired, achy state is getting through right now. Right now, he's stumbling through the bathroom - just heard him knock something down in there - and I'm just trying to keep my sanity and find some serenity in this moment. It's taking all I have to keep it together. I need to give myself a break, rest, & detach a bit.

I hope you can some rest tonight CeciliaV. (((hugs)))

Cecilia,
I'm sorry about the relapse.
Lots of wisdom before me...I just want to say two things...

1. There is absolutely NOTHING you can say or do that will make him stop drinking There is also NOTHING you can say or do that will make him continue on his bender. The choice is his. It always has been...always will be. YOU ARE POWERLESS OVER HIS DISEASE. Period.

2. Consider your boundaries with point number 1 in mind. This isn't about him. Not at all. We think its about them. As codependents we spin our wheels as we focus on what they are doing and we spend all our energy reacting to what they are doing. This is all just a distraction. It's about you and only you. What can you live with? What are you willing to live with? If your earlier boundary was that you refused to live with active addiction, what are you willing to do to enforce that boundary? Are you willing to take action today or do you need time? What's best for YOU? That's the only thing you need to focus on. Work the type of program you wish he would work.

Hugs... I know the sting of disappointment runs deep. Dig deep and work your program. We're cheering you on.

Mary

Well, it's a new day. My head is feeling much better, in more ways than one. Still have a bit of a lingering headache, but it's much smaller and more manageable. I feel surprisingly good after having slept on the couch. I gave husband a verbal poke to walk the dog, and I'm going to pour myself into the shower & get going on my day.

Outonalimb, thanks for the reminders. The part that really hit home for me was There is also NOTHING you can say or do that will make him continue on his bender. I don't think I ever thought of it that way! Thank you. I needed that.

I'm going to continue to work my own recovery. I'm going to work on myself and finding clarity and serenity. I'm going to steer clear of absolutes and edicts for today. I'm going to focus on getting ME better. I have made a lot of progress, and I'm not going to let a relapse (both his and my own) throw me any further off my course. Just going to work it.

Unfortunately, I do have to work at going back to actual work today, so I have to run...just wanted to check in to say thanks again to all for the support. I'm off to greet the new day. Hugs to all! :hug:

When my husband relapsed I was very lucky to find SR and guidance on how to deal with it. What I did for 2 months while he was having a good time drinking was having a good time planning my exit, and attending Al Anon unbeknownst to him. When I first found out I was not prepared financially, or emotionally to deal with it.

He was easy when drinking - funny, giggly and in a great mood. I am sure if he were hard to deal with things would have unfolded differently. One night he turned into mean, nasty threatening drunk. The next day I laid out my boundary "booze or me". I was prepared to leave THAT DAY.

RAH has been sober since that day.

Keep working your program and move forward with a plan. When you have clarity of how you will get out of it it will help you be able to make boundaries and enforce them IF THAT IS WHAT YOU CHOOSE.

Sorry this has happened its just so disappointing. (((hugs))) hope you have a peaceful day today.