wicked

I am so glad you are laughing, sometimes that is my only way to cope.

I do know about those sad, sad voice mails. My mother was a master martyr.
And, since I was a child and the oldest, I always felt this need to make mommy feel better. Distraction was what I did. Luckily, she had a morbid sense of humor, and that is something I could tap.
Sadly, I do not think we ever had a clear discussion about addiction other than my fathers alcoholism and how it affected her.

I guess I am trying to say that I did not handle this problem well with my mother.
I hope you handle the conversation better than I did. Maybe you can work up to the bare naked truth, and when you are feeling overwhelmed, tell her you will call back.

Mothers, can't live with them, can't be born without them. heehee.
Back to humor.

Beth

CeciliaV

I'm waffling. I was all set to call my parents, had the phone in hand & had my little "script" cued up on the laptop. Then I decided to call my sister instead. I told her via text that he was going back to rehab and then last night that he was delaying it a day, and I haven't really talked to her in a while. So we chatted. She was somewhat in a state of disbelief, thought he was doing okay, etc. It's so hard to explain. I had to tell her quite directly - he's an alcoholic; it doesn't go away, and unless they're ready to really commit to change, they won't change. I shared that I had said no to several of his requests - to contact HR for him, call the rehab center, help him pack, etc. She said "well he's just a big baby!" and said something along the lines of "well didn't they teach him the tools to deal with this when he was there last time" and the like. I told her that I wish it was that simple. If it *was* that simple, then every alcoholic would just go to rehab once and POOF they're FIXED, hooray! But it's not that simple. It's a lot more complicated and messy than that.

Anywho...she's of the thinking that I should not tell my parents. And I can't say she's wrong. My sister said that my mother already has too much on her plate, etc. My response? Well I have a lot of my plate, too! I know I would end up having to console and comfort them, my mom especially...and then my poor dad would end up having deal with the aftermath, living with an already stress-laden lady with this extra dose of self-imposed stress for at least a month, if not more. I just can't take that extra weight on me right now. My sister and her family will be at my parents for Easter - she said she would call from there, and that will definitely help keep the banter light and airy and not serious. I hate to put her in the middle, but she's offering to help run interference, and I could use all the help I can get right now to keep things on a more even keel.

LC, I may have to borrow that line about his recovery being his personal issue - it IS true, and right now I am NOT comfortable discussing it with them. Thank you, excellent suggestion! My parents have asked for my help finding new dental insurance for them, so I'll do some work on that tomorrow so I can have a change of subject at the ready.

lol, you crack me up! That fly/window analogy is great - I know that bump bump bump feeling all too well.

CeciliaV

Well, he called and I talked to him. It was weird. I'm not sure whether I'm going to see him tomorrow, and I told him as much. I told him this is hard for me. We agreed that we would talk briefly in the morning - I'm going to sleep on it and see if I want to go tomorrow.

For now, I'm enjoying being able to lay on the couch and just relax.

LexieCat

I dunno... what do you hope to get out of visiting him the day after you practically had to tie him onto the roof of the car to get him out of the house? You're not going to be able to determine a darned thing at this stage of the game--he won't even be fully detoxed yet. To show your support for his recovery? You've been cheering him along all the way, as long as he was ostensibly making an effort, and even for a time after he quit even going through the motions. He KNOWS you support his recovery.

I think I'd leave him to his own devices for a while. Let him concentrate on what he needs to do. As much as you'd like for this to be a "team effort," in the end it is all up to him, and maybe it's time he realizes that. And maybe time for you to realize it, too.

Ellvk

When I visited AH 2 days after he was admitted to inpatient, he was in such a fog.... he barely remembered it later. I didn't regret it, but I did it more for me than for him. Whatever is best for YOU at this point, yes?

bless5

I agree with LexieCat. When I stopped being the cheerleader, it was such a change for my hubby and me. I really had to step way back from him and the disease, and i think that's what finally made him grab onto recovery with both hands because I was ready to bolt from the marriage and he finally knew it.

Enjoy some peace and quiet. You deserve it!

dessy

Your peace and serenity comes through in your post. I'm jealous of your peace in the house. Hugs and hang in there

CeciliaV

Well, I know what he would get out of it - more cigarettes, lol!

Honestly, I'm not sure what I would get out of it other than a free lunch. It *would* be the first time in a while that I would be able to see him and actually know for sure that he's sober, albeit detoxing & on klonopin. Maybe the family session counselor will say something new this week and won't just tell me repeatedly to go to Al Anon. I don't know. Still unsure pre-coffee...

LeSigh

Hmmm. I think if it were me, a break would be more helpful than a visit.. Take yourself for a nice lunch or a walk or something, you know he's safe and the rehab centre can take over for a while?

Rest rest rest.. Snuggle that dog.. And then rest some more

X

jmartin

C - I will be interested to hear what you decide. I just decided that my AW can drive her own damn self to rehab, I am done trying to shepherd her through recovery. thankfully, the facility is a 2.5 hour drive, so I will not be subjected to this kind of pressure. I will go when they have the "family day," but at this point, I feel spent, exhausted, and honestly, incapable of dealing with her in a constructive way. I plan on luxuriating in some days free of her needy drama, and I don't feel I could possibly do justice to any kind of "whither us" discussion, let alone small talk or cheerleading. I would not presume to offer advice, but from your description of events, my gut says to politely decline his invitation if you don't want to go, and avoid all possibility that this is just more shameless manipulation.

HopefulmomtoD

Personally, it seems like he is very dependent on you and is making you part of his recovery. He needs to figure out that he wants to be sober whether you are in the picture or not. I'd lay low .... you've already tried the supportive route and that sure didn't work. Take a break and figure out whether you want to continue on the ride.

(Anytime my DS was in rehab he was always on blackout for at least a week ... I'm surprised he can already make all of these calls.)

Wishing you peace and serenity .....

Hopeworks

I agree with the other posters. It appears your detaching is having a positive effect in that he is realizing that you are establishing boundaries and expecting him to live his life differently.

In the old days I was at my XA's side everytime the doors were open at his many rehab stays and the message I sent was that any time he made recovery noises or took actions towards recovery I would pretzel myself into what I considered total support of that action.

Years later I now analyze my actions and his behaviors and see a completely different picture and wish I had could do over those years of the hovering, helicoptering codie.

What I taught him was that relapsing was not a big deal because once he came up for air from his boozing all he had to do was check into a rehab to reel me back in like a fish on a hook.

Secondly, rehabs are just sober geography and the real recovery takes place when they leave the sober environment. If they don't plug into a recovery program that has accountability and creating an environment of self inspection and willingness to change everything... I mean everything... then they will drink again.

AA works if the A gets a sponsor that knows the steps and the A dives into the program (not just the meetings which are just fellowship and encouragement)....

If the A doesn't change on the inside and deal with the core issues that cause them to drink they will drink again... AA can be the path or a really good counselor that knows addiction has helped many A's overcome their addiction.

There are other groups but there needs to be a support network and growth ... if that doesn't happen the vast majority stay on the chronic relapse rat wheel.

CeciliaV

I had a good cry this morning. I was working on bills and sorting through the pile of mail, singing along to Sia, rocking out...and then part of the song Sweet Potato just punched me in the gut:
"Now my inner dialogue is heaving with detest
I am a martyr and a victim and I need to be caressed
I hate that you negate me, I'm a ghost at beck and call
I'm failing and placating, I berate myself for staying
I'm a fool, I'm a fool"

I BAWLED. Just looking at the lyrics now makes me all teary-like. I don't know why it hit me so damn hard, but it did.

I don't know if I'm going to the rehab center today. Even after coffee & waking up a bit and crying my eyes out. He definitely is terribly dependent upon me, as evidenced by the somewhat pathetic "please helllp me paaaaack!" pleas the other night and the pleas for help contacting HR, the rehab center, etc. And I certainly do see that whenever I detach a bit and/or set a boundary for myself, it has an impact on him and his actions. When I kicked him out to a motel end of January for a night, he was in rehab within a couple days; when I told him he works it while home OR finds a place he can work it OR find someplace else to not work it, he was again in rehab within a couple days. But I wonder...is this just him placating ME and doing what he thinks will keep me hooked a bit longer, or is this him actually making a concerted effort to work on his sobriety & recovery? I can't answer that. I don't know if even he can answer that honestly. Rehab is the "easy" part (from the perspective of no access to booze, people taking care of him...I'm not implying that rehab is a cakewalk) - him being sober and working on his recovery outside of rehab is the hard part.

I dunno. And yes, I still do find it strange that this rehab center allows outside contact relatively freely. They have access to use their counselors phones on downtime, but they have to wait their turn...otherwise, they can use a payphone on the main floor to make phone calls with a calling card. I wasn't sure if they would even allow a visit just one day after he checked back in, but they will. It all does strike me as a little odd given how other rehab centers tend to clamp down communications. In a way, I guess it speaks to their approach that family/community support can be part of the recovery process. And I'm not sure that's a great approach for all situations, and definitely not sure if it's a great approach in this situation.

I could use some support today, so maybe I will go to the family-of session. Maybe I can get something out of it. I *could* do the family group session, eat my lunch, and then decide whether I want to leave or stay to visit him. I've got a couple hours left to decide.

CeciliaV

oh, and before I get all down on myself, I want to make a personal inventory of what I'm PROUD of over these last few days:
- I made a personal boundary for me, about me
- I did NOT call the rehab center for him
- I did NOT contact HR for him
- I did NOT fill out the FMLA forms for him
- I did NOT take him to rehab and I DID let him arrange transportation himself
- I did NOT pack for him nor help him pack
- I did NOT take time off work or go in late to work to see him off to rehab
- I did NOT gush nor get all "omgyou'reawesomeforgoingtorehabSQUEEE!"

Hooray for me! I have to celebrate whatever victories I can. And it does make me feel good that I've made progress.

And for the Allie Brosh fans out there, I'm seriously considering making this my new avatar...
All The Things - deploy the cheese

LexieCat

I still kinda get the feeling you are looking to have someone give you the "key" to making him get better. You're looking at the effect on HIM of your detaching and setting boundaries, not the good effect it has on YOU.

You're probably not going to get any great insights from the counselor. Their "job" is really to reach the alcoholic--the families can certainly undermine recovery if they don't understand what is going on, but not everyone in rehab HAS a family, and they are expected to recover, too.

I know how hard it is to separate what's good for him from what's good for you. To some extent they coincide--if he gets better, you have a chance of saving a marriage that is important to you. But the thing is, there are no guarantees that he will "get it" this time. So practicing detachment may be essential to your staying strong even through another relapse. To get it deep down in your bones that this is up to HIM, and that all the love and support in the world cannot save him if he isn't willing to do some serious tearing down of ego.

From what I have heard about your husband, he needs to work on his humility--that he is really no different, as an alcoholic, than the guy doing time in prison for something he did under the influence, or the guy who has been living in a cardboard box. They feel the SAME attachment to alcohol, they NEED it the same way, they risk things that are important to them because of their addiction.

Maybe he needs to sit with those feelings for a while. To realize that he, too, risks everything dear to him--you, his home, his job, the respect of his family--if he continues to drink. That it's time to quit screwing around believing he will always have a safe place to land.

And maybe YOU need to realize that all that stuff is an inside job for him. You can't help him come to those hard truths. And that there is a possibility he just isn't "done" yet, and that YOU will have to make those hard choices. I think to the extent you can keep yourself in a zone of neutrality, hoping that he gets well, but ready to take care of yourself if he does not, you will be doing a great service to yourself.

Bluegalangal

****** hugs}}} - I wish you peace.

Re: lawyers. I just found out my Employee Assistance Program through my work includes some free legal advice. I have not looked into it (I called about a counselor) but the intake person told me that it was available.

CeciliaV

thanks, Lexie - as always, very insightful and wise words. He certainly DOES need to work on his humility in regards to his alcoholism - he's not a "special" alcoholic, he's just an alcoholic. In more general terms, he's completely lacking in self-confidence, so it's an interesting dichotomy. He will have to dive deep and work on his underlying issues - anxiety, depression, feeling of loss with his family situation/his past (going back to leaving a terribly unhealthy home at 15-16). It's going to be hard, and I cannot do this for him. If he doesn't take these steps on his own and work on recovery post-rehab, he will always have ample excuses to go back to drinking.

For now, his job appears to be safe until next review period early next year. The biggest risk job-wise is if he runs out of FMLA time. The biggest risk is paycheck-wise if if he runs out of sick time to cover the leaves, and that's where it would have a direct effect on me financially.

As for losing his family...he does stand a chance of losing me, but I don't know that his sister & BIL would ever give up on him. They have seen him on his best behavior most times, only seeing him really blotto once (he visited them on his own a year or so ago and apparently snuck into their stash and guzzled booze). They've heard him slurry & drunk on the phone, but haven't seen it other than that one time. I was actually SHOCKED on Wednesday night when he called them - he was obviously sloshed, and his niece got on the phone, and he did his best sober impression when talking to her. I don't know if they realized he was drunk at the time.

As torn up and hurt as I feel, I am proud of myself for the steps I've taken - not only for the effect they've had on him, but for the effect they've had on me. Saying no to him for the first time was hard, but it got easier the more I said it. I felt stronger. I can stand up for myself little more every time I say no or don't take out my pom-poms. Each positive action I take for myself shores me up.

I am starting to understand the situation better. I'm starting to understand and accept the role I play. I accept that I've enabled him in so many ways - his drinking, his immaturity, his dependence on me. I don't like it, but I accept it.

And speak of the devil, he just called as I was typing this up. I told him that I'm not sure I'll come today. He told me that the family counselor said I was welcome, he was interested in how I was doing, etc. I told husband that I'm not sure what I would get out of seeing him today. I asked him what he would get out of it - he said he would like to see me while he is sober. I asked if he wanted to talk about anything in particular, and he said that while I know what's going on with him, he wanted to check in with me to see how I'm doing and what's going on with me. We left it at I'll come if I want to and if I don't he will try to call me later.

Anyway, enough of my novella writing for now...I've got to feed myself and the dog and take a shower...and then make my decision.

AnvilheadII

C - it's been ONE day. nothing has changed except he's sitting in a treatment center instead of the couch. let him be and GIVE YOURSELF A DANG BREAK, woman! let him deal with his stuff - and allow there to be some space and distance between you. right now your thinking is still all about him...should you rearrange your day to go see him. many treatment centers have a two week black out period with NO contact with the outside and for good reason. you've begun to realize his dependence on you....you can start right now to break that dependence. it would be good for both of you.

this is of course just my opinion.

wicked

Hey, that avatar is the best!

Beth

LexieCat

Yes, I'm proud of the progress you've made, too--and I don't mean to discount it. It's just that, just as the alcoholic must, we have to constantly check our own motives. It's so very easy to slip back into cheerleader mode, or "help" in ways that are ultimately unhelpful. One of many things we actually DO have in common with alcoholics (and I see it more all the time in myself and in other people) is a tendency to deny, to rationalize, to warp our thinking to see what we want to see and to believe what we want to believe, rather than accepting reality.

And the reality right now is that there is little you can do for him. Keep the focus on doing good stuff for YOU. Paws off him. That was actually one of my little mantras I used to use for myself--paws OFF. Sometimes that requires us to do what feels terribly unnatural. It may FEEL like going to see him would give you some relief, but in reality, it might just set off all those alarm systems and "detectors" we all have. Is he sincere? Is he "getting it"? It's like trying to read tea leaves. Sometimes the healthiest thing is to just sit with the unknowable future. And to make peace with that.

Hugs,