How to work through relapse?
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Oh, and husband did finally call in to see if he had to go in for jury duty today. When I heard the "Sh*t!" I knew he had to go, lol! I think it might be good for him to go and sit in a room, waiting for his name to be called, alone with his thoughts for the day.
As for me, I just got into work and have to get caught up from my day away. It's amazing what piles up in just one day off, sigh. Going to do my best to have a good day today. It is what it is, but it becomes what you make it. That's my mantra for today.
As for me, I just got into work and have to get caught up from my day away. It's amazing what piles up in just one day off, sigh. Going to do my best to have a good day today. It is what it is, but it becomes what you make it. That's my mantra for today.
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So much for him sitting alone with his thoughts waiting to be called for jury duty today. Came home to find that he never went. So on top of staying home & drinking today, So now he could also get fined, hooray!
Anywho, I found his pants & underwear in a wet pile outside the bathroom door and when I went into the bedroom (where he was), I found him just in a shirt...and I stepped in something wet. I looked around & saw some small puddles and a giant puddle in the bedroom. I can only make educated guesses here. Didn't smell like alcohol. So it looks like he was having trouble with his pants again and peed all over the place. Ugh. This is just gross.
I cleaned up the grossness, because I don't want to leave puddles lying around, warping the hardwood floors. While I was down on my knees cleaning up the floor, I saw that he had a bottle under the bed. Not sure if he was hiding it there or if he dropped it, and it doesn't really matter. I know that dumping bottles out isn't going to change anything in the long term, but he has certainly had more than enough to drink today if he's peeing himself, so I dumped the rest of the bottle down the kitchen sink. I went back in to check on him in the bedroom, and found another small puddle at the edge of the bed...and saw that he had also gotten pee on the edge of the comforter & it was dripping onto the floor. I'm used to having to clean up drips here & there from our aging dog, but this is just gross!
I just can't believe how quickly he's spiraled again. I can't talk to him when he's this far gone. When/if we do talk, it's not going to be a hellfire and fury talk with harsh limits, because I'm not ready to set those right now and stick to them. I don't even know if he'll sober up enough tonight for me to be able to speak with him.
Somehow, I'm keeping my calm. I'm just going to go about my business this evening and do health checks on him occasionally, since I really don't know how much he drank. Right now, he's at least somewhat coherent and is responsive, albeit sleepy, but depending on how much he drank & how fast he drank, that could change fast.
I reached out to his sister (texted her and she'll be calling me soon), because I really just need to talk to someone right now. I know I need to focus my efforts on me. I know I need to figure out my own path and work on my own recovery. I'm proud of myself for not freaking the eff out when having to clean up pee puddles. (Sidenote: I can't believe I just typed that sentence!) But I'm really struggling as to what to do next. Would it be wrong for me to reach out to his counselors for guidance? At this point, I'm channeling "Don't just do something, stand there!" because I'm a bit afraid to make a wrong step or a wrong decision.
Anywho, I found his pants & underwear in a wet pile outside the bathroom door and when I went into the bedroom (where he was), I found him just in a shirt...and I stepped in something wet. I looked around & saw some small puddles and a giant puddle in the bedroom. I can only make educated guesses here. Didn't smell like alcohol. So it looks like he was having trouble with his pants again and peed all over the place. Ugh. This is just gross.
I cleaned up the grossness, because I don't want to leave puddles lying around, warping the hardwood floors. While I was down on my knees cleaning up the floor, I saw that he had a bottle under the bed. Not sure if he was hiding it there or if he dropped it, and it doesn't really matter. I know that dumping bottles out isn't going to change anything in the long term, but he has certainly had more than enough to drink today if he's peeing himself, so I dumped the rest of the bottle down the kitchen sink. I went back in to check on him in the bedroom, and found another small puddle at the edge of the bed...and saw that he had also gotten pee on the edge of the comforter & it was dripping onto the floor. I'm used to having to clean up drips here & there from our aging dog, but this is just gross!
I just can't believe how quickly he's spiraled again. I can't talk to him when he's this far gone. When/if we do talk, it's not going to be a hellfire and fury talk with harsh limits, because I'm not ready to set those right now and stick to them. I don't even know if he'll sober up enough tonight for me to be able to speak with him.
Somehow, I'm keeping my calm. I'm just going to go about my business this evening and do health checks on him occasionally, since I really don't know how much he drank. Right now, he's at least somewhat coherent and is responsive, albeit sleepy, but depending on how much he drank & how fast he drank, that could change fast.
I reached out to his sister (texted her and she'll be calling me soon), because I really just need to talk to someone right now. I know I need to focus my efforts on me. I know I need to figure out my own path and work on my own recovery. I'm proud of myself for not freaking the eff out when having to clean up pee puddles. (Sidenote: I can't believe I just typed that sentence!) But I'm really struggling as to what to do next. Would it be wrong for me to reach out to his counselors for guidance? At this point, I'm channeling "Don't just do something, stand there!" because I'm a bit afraid to make a wrong step or a wrong decision.
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Well, I chatted with his sister for a bit - told her the new level of depravity reached with the pee incident, and she encouraged me to call his counselors. So I did. I called the rehab/treatment center. I left a voice mail for the IOP counselor...I was told by the front desk person that he may check his messages on the IOP session break, but that break time has passed and no phone calls (which I understand, he has probably a dozen other people who are working their recovery that he has to worry about & tend to). I also left a voice mail for one of his rehab counselors. I told them both the same thing - he's had a relapse, is on I think day 5 of a binge, and I could use any helpful words or guidance or advice right now. I'm not sure what they would advise. I know that I can only control me. I can't control him nor his drinking. But part of me is hoping they'll call back with magical advice on how to fix it, fix him, and make it all better. I know that's not the case. But I do think that getting advice from professionals who are trained and equipped to handle addiction & relapse isn't a bad thing. I'm sure they've seen this happen more times than they care to count.
I've been texting back & forth with his sister. She talked with his grandmother, who wants to get on a plane & get out here to scold him in person. The vision of this tiny little 86 year old lady wagging her finger at him and scolding him firmly actually made me laugh out loud. (I must have a twisted sense of humor, or I'm desperate for a laugh, or I'm ready to crack, or a little bit of all of the above.)
I've been texting back & forth with his sister. She talked with his grandmother, who wants to get on a plane & get out here to scold him in person. The vision of this tiny little 86 year old lady wagging her finger at him and scolding him firmly actually made me laugh out loud. (I must have a twisted sense of humor, or I'm desperate for a laugh, or I'm ready to crack, or a little bit of all of the above.)
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His blood alcohol level is most likely getting to very dangerous levels. If he says anything in his drunken state about wanting to die or trying to kill himself, you could call 911 and get him admitted to the ER for a psych eval/detox. It could buy you some time. Or, you just call anyway if you fear for his life- and, I'd say he's getting close to deadly levels.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. What a disgusting, frightening disease alcoholism is.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. What a disgusting, frightening disease alcoholism is.
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OMG, why would she tell his grandmother? A parent, MAYBE, but a grandparent? Not that I would recommend lying to anyone, but geeze, why worry her?
I hope you plan on sleeping in the guest room--or have a rubber nightie.
Sorry things are such a mess right now. You're holding up pretty well. I agree, though, that his counselors won't have much to suggest for you to do.
Hang in there--not that you have much choice.
I hope you plan on sleeping in the guest room--or have a rubber nightie.
Sorry things are such a mess right now. You're holding up pretty well. I agree, though, that his counselors won't have much to suggest for you to do.
Hang in there--not that you have much choice.
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Originally Posted by HopefulmomtoD 
His blood alcohol level is most likely getting to very dangerous levels. If he says anything in his drunken state about wanting to die or trying to kill himself, you could call 911 and get him admitted to the ER for a psych eval/detox. It could buy you some time. Or, you just call anyway if you fear for his life- and, I'd say he's getting close to deadly levels.
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C - I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It just ain't right. I think you are doing the best you can...but I agree with the suggestion that a call to 911 should not be out of the question. especially if he still has booze around. hang in there!
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
?? I don't know why you would conclude that. He sounds, simply, quite drunk.
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Well, I should stick to legal, rather than medical opinions, lol. The description so far didn't strike me as particularly alarming, but then I've been around a lot of drunks--at least one of whom had issues with appropriate elimination while drunk. But you folks with the medical training know better than I do about this stuff.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
?? I don't know why you would conclude that. He sounds, simply, quite drunk.
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Well you know better than I what you are seeing. He's drinking straight vodka right? Having been in rehab recently and not drinking for a while, his tolerance may be lower. I also don't think its fair for you to have to worry that he's going to aspirate or quit breathing in his drunken state.
If I recall correctly, Amy Winehouse died of alcohol toxicity (vodka) when she binged after a period of abstinence. Her blood level was .4 (my son's was once .38) at the time of her death.
If I recall correctly, Amy Winehouse died of alcohol toxicity (vodka) when she binged after a period of abstinence. Her blood level was .4 (my son's was once .38) at the time of her death.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
OMG, why would she tell his grandmother? A parent, MAYBE, but a grandparent? Not that I would recommend lying to anyone, but geeze, why worry her?
I hope you plan on sleeping in the guest room--or have a rubber nightie.
Sorry things are such a mess right now. You're holding up pretty well. I agree, though, that his counselors won't have much to suggest for you to do.
Hang in there--not that you have much choice.
I hope you plan on sleeping in the guest room--or have a rubber nightie.
Sorry things are such a mess right now. You're holding up pretty well. I agree, though, that his counselors won't have much to suggest for you to do.
Hang in there--not that you have much choice.
And his mom is out of the picture, has been for many years. He left home at 15 and to make a very long story very short, she's a piece of work who should never have been allowed to rear children.
As for why his sister talked to his grandmother? I don't know what exactly she told her, but she at least told her that he's relapsed and that she's worried about him. His grandmother already knew about his rehab stint and he talked with her since he got home about alcoholism, recovery, etc. With their mom out of the picture, they're all quite close.
he's also got an uncle who's many years (about 30 I believe) sober - he sent him a package of books and a great, supportive note while he was in rehab. The uncle apparently reached out to his sister with supportive words and he wants to talk to dear husband, but knows it's no use to do it while he's still drunk...I think it would be good for him to talk to his uncle. But all I can do is pass the message along.
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Originally Posted by HopefulmomtoD
Well you know better than I what you are seeing. He's drinking straight vodka right? Having been in rehab recently and not drinking for a while, his tolerance may be lower. I also don't think its fair for you to have to worry that he's going to aspirate or quit breathing in his drunken state.
If I recall correctly, Amy Winehouse died of alcohol toxicity (vodka) when she binged after a period of abstinence. Her blood level was .4 (my son's was once .38) at the time of her death.
If I recall correctly, Amy Winehouse died of alcohol toxicity (vodka) when she binged after a period of abstinence. Her blood level was .4 (my son's was once .38) at the time of her death.
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Wow. Just wow. His IOP counselor called me back, and I'm so glad he did. He's fantastic. We talked for about 20 minutes, and I feel SO much better and I feel like I know what some good next steps are. He was so honest with me, and I needed it. He had such great things to say about RAH (just gonna keep with the "R" in that acronym for now, I still have some hope) - how smart he is, how charismatic he is, how much the others in the program look up to him, what great progress he was making...and also how he was completely snowed by him when he called to say he was working late yesterday & today and wouldn't be able to attend his IOP sessions last night & tonight. Hrm. Sneaky little jerk! Ahem, anywho, back to the good stuffs.
He was really glad that I called and clued him in - said he would have figured it out (there's only so many "the dog ate my homework" type excuses a seasoned counselor can swallow), but was glad that I called to tell him what was going on so that he was fully informed. He assured me that while he had high hopes for him, relapse is so often part of the process and it's almost to be expected. And that a first relapse right after rehab/recovery is often a very hard & scary fall, and a difficult one to come back from. He gave me insight into things from RAH's view - how he feels shame, guilt, etc. He said that RAH was a person that a lot of other folks in the program looked up to - he's educated, smart, a bit more "mature" than others there, charismatic, encouraging, nice, etc...and that it's going to be very hard for him to come back to look these people in the eye and to admit that he relapsed to these people that looked up to him. I never really stopped to think about it or honestly cared too much about thinking about it from his perspective. I've put too much effort into shielding myself from whatever he was going through or doing. And while I'm not going to go all codie with this info (or at least I'm trying not to), his counselor gave me some great advice on what good things I can do to facilitate the process of getting him back on the wagon and not put my own self on the line.
He told me to not confront him, but to keep on him & hold him to the task of picking himself back up from the fall and to just keep going. Let him know that he's welcome back at IOP, that there's no shame or guilt or blame...he relapsed. It happens. A lot. But he doesn't have to go back to rehab. He doesn't have to carry that fear, nor the guilt nor the shame. He hasn't let anyone down. He just needs to come back to IOP and pick up where he left off & move forward. His counselor told me that no, I can't make him do anything and that it's up to him, but arming him with this knowledge that he can just come back and keep working it & not fear blame/guilt/shame certainly can't hurt.
I remained calm during and after my chat with the IOP counselor. I was even calm while dear husband walked up to me several times while I was on the phone with him...even bringing me my little notebook that was flipped open to the page where I had the rehab/treatment center's contact info written down and said "what's this?" I just walked off & kept talking to the counselor, who went on to tell me that I was welcome to come to the family session tomorrow night or next week or whenever I wanted to if I felt comfortable. But his counselor's main goal was clear - he said, "Just get him to me, even if it's not during the evening IOP sessions, even if it's in the daytime, just get him to me." This guy obviously really wants to help him, and given the calming effect he had on me in just one relatively short phone call, he sounds well equipped to help him in recovery. He said he would call RAH tomorrow to follow up with him - he said he could talk to him tonight, but it would be too easy for him to say "yeah, sure, I'll come tomorrow night." He wants to talk to him closer to IOP session time.
After I got off the phone with the counselor, I did talk to him & told him that I spoke with his counselor. He pretty much knew from seeing that I had flipped open my notebook to the treatment center's contact info, but he was surprised that I talked to his IOP counselor, saying "how did you get his number, did you look at my phone?" Um, no, I'm just smart enough to ask to talk to my husband's IOP counselor & leave a message. Sigh, he's such a dork at times! Anyway, we talked. Actually, it was mostly me talking. I was calm. I was factual. Told him what I wanted/needed to say. Told him calmly that yes, he fell, it happens, he needs to pick himself up and just go back to treatment, he doesn't need to feel the guilt & shame and he hasn't disappointed anyone - he's welcome back there and he needs to do it for himself. We talked for a while, and he actually was together enough to accompany me on the final dog walk of the evening. We chatted more as we walked. He's feeling awful down and I can understand why - he feels like a failure.
Now before folks go all "stop focusing on him & focus on you" on me...I needed this. I needed to talk to someone who does this for a living and who knows my husband. I needed to hear that there may be hope just yet. I needed to hear that this is pretty damn normal to relapse and that there is a way back from it. I can't put all my hopes on him getting back on track, and yes I'm continuing to work on and put my main focus on my own recovery, but knowing what I can do to help facilitate his process and understanding where he is at right now means a lot to me. Right now, I'm feeling pretty good. I feel tired as hell, but I feel calm and good. I'm at peace.
Oh, and on the jury duty side note...he apparently called the jury duty line again after I left for work and asked for his jury duty to be postponed. I'm happy that he did it, because that means fines & penalties are off the table, but I'm also pretty irritated that he failed to mention it until late in the evening, well after I had already worried about it. Not feeling so peaceful about that part!
He was really glad that I called and clued him in - said he would have figured it out (there's only so many "the dog ate my homework" type excuses a seasoned counselor can swallow), but was glad that I called to tell him what was going on so that he was fully informed. He assured me that while he had high hopes for him, relapse is so often part of the process and it's almost to be expected. And that a first relapse right after rehab/recovery is often a very hard & scary fall, and a difficult one to come back from. He gave me insight into things from RAH's view - how he feels shame, guilt, etc. He said that RAH was a person that a lot of other folks in the program looked up to - he's educated, smart, a bit more "mature" than others there, charismatic, encouraging, nice, etc...and that it's going to be very hard for him to come back to look these people in the eye and to admit that he relapsed to these people that looked up to him. I never really stopped to think about it or honestly cared too much about thinking about it from his perspective. I've put too much effort into shielding myself from whatever he was going through or doing. And while I'm not going to go all codie with this info (or at least I'm trying not to), his counselor gave me some great advice on what good things I can do to facilitate the process of getting him back on the wagon and not put my own self on the line.
He told me to not confront him, but to keep on him & hold him to the task of picking himself back up from the fall and to just keep going. Let him know that he's welcome back at IOP, that there's no shame or guilt or blame...he relapsed. It happens. A lot. But he doesn't have to go back to rehab. He doesn't have to carry that fear, nor the guilt nor the shame. He hasn't let anyone down. He just needs to come back to IOP and pick up where he left off & move forward. His counselor told me that no, I can't make him do anything and that it's up to him, but arming him with this knowledge that he can just come back and keep working it & not fear blame/guilt/shame certainly can't hurt.
I remained calm during and after my chat with the IOP counselor. I was even calm while dear husband walked up to me several times while I was on the phone with him...even bringing me my little notebook that was flipped open to the page where I had the rehab/treatment center's contact info written down and said "what's this?" I just walked off & kept talking to the counselor, who went on to tell me that I was welcome to come to the family session tomorrow night or next week or whenever I wanted to if I felt comfortable. But his counselor's main goal was clear - he said, "Just get him to me, even if it's not during the evening IOP sessions, even if it's in the daytime, just get him to me." This guy obviously really wants to help him, and given the calming effect he had on me in just one relatively short phone call, he sounds well equipped to help him in recovery. He said he would call RAH tomorrow to follow up with him - he said he could talk to him tonight, but it would be too easy for him to say "yeah, sure, I'll come tomorrow night." He wants to talk to him closer to IOP session time.
After I got off the phone with the counselor, I did talk to him & told him that I spoke with his counselor. He pretty much knew from seeing that I had flipped open my notebook to the treatment center's contact info, but he was surprised that I talked to his IOP counselor, saying "how did you get his number, did you look at my phone?" Um, no, I'm just smart enough to ask to talk to my husband's IOP counselor & leave a message. Sigh, he's such a dork at times! Anyway, we talked. Actually, it was mostly me talking. I was calm. I was factual. Told him what I wanted/needed to say. Told him calmly that yes, he fell, it happens, he needs to pick himself up and just go back to treatment, he doesn't need to feel the guilt & shame and he hasn't disappointed anyone - he's welcome back there and he needs to do it for himself. We talked for a while, and he actually was together enough to accompany me on the final dog walk of the evening. We chatted more as we walked. He's feeling awful down and I can understand why - he feels like a failure.
Now before folks go all "stop focusing on him & focus on you" on me...I needed this. I needed to talk to someone who does this for a living and who knows my husband. I needed to hear that there may be hope just yet. I needed to hear that this is pretty damn normal to relapse and that there is a way back from it. I can't put all my hopes on him getting back on track, and yes I'm continuing to work on and put my main focus on my own recovery, but knowing what I can do to help facilitate his process and understanding where he is at right now means a lot to me. Right now, I'm feeling pretty good. I feel tired as hell, but I feel calm and good. I'm at peace.
Oh, and on the jury duty side note...he apparently called the jury duty line again after I left for work and asked for his jury duty to be postponed. I'm happy that he did it, because that means fines & penalties are off the table, but I'm also pretty irritated that he failed to mention it until late in the evening, well after I had already worried about it. Not feeling so peaceful about that part!
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Hey Cecelia - I am glad about one thing - your husband seems to be pretty harmless when drinking.
You know here on SR we are very honest so I am going to give you my opinion. You are really enabling your husband. You are cleaning up his mess, with good intention, but enabling him while doing so.
Rehab was an epic fail for him. He made it 5 days and has been on a bender since. You did not uphold your boundary. Boundary was honesty. He wasn't honest. Now you are cleaning us his pee puddles and contacting his counselor who seems to be delusional as well that if "you can just get him to me" that everything will be alright. Your husband has received a hall pass AGAIN - with everyone fluttering around him cleaning up his mess and patting him on the back telling him "its ok, we EXPECTED THIS TO HAPPEN, this is very common, dust yourself off - get back to rehab. Until everyone gets on board with the expectation that this WILL NOT happen and if it does woe be unto you - I am pretty sure it will continue.
Your husband who is NOT RAH - he is just AH, did not get one moment of any type of repercussion. This is the WORST thing you can do with an addict. Going to rehab is not a repercussion, its a vacation for him.
I can hear in your entire last post hope, and the belief that you and counselor have figured out how to get husband sober. I don't blame you because those of us who have been through it with our spouses have felt the same - I know I did, I came here to SR so someone would tell me how to fix RAH who relapsed after 10 years sober. I felt the same as you, hopeful and willing to do whatever it took because I loved him and I didn't want our relationship to end. I simply couldn't imagine leaving him to his own devices and killing himself in the process.
All of our stories are different yet they are all the same - and the outcome is the same if you choose to enable. The only chance you have to help you husband is to help yourself. It is a fact that stopping enabling and codependent behaviors MAY affect the addict in a positive way - I say may because it may not. Get to Al Anon - work the steps. This will help you more than you know it will save your sanity cause there is a lot of quacking going on in your household. You may "know" that you can't fix your husband but I don't think you really "believe" that - your actions say otherwise.
I'm pulling for you both, sounds like there is a good marriage here infected with alcoholism.
I suggest you read the threads of HopefulmomtoD who has been commenting here. A very similar circumstance with her son who went to rehab and detoxes around 6 times and what it actually took for him to choose sobriety. I could name dozens of other threads as well - as I said different yet all the same.
Sending (((hugs))) your way. Best, Red
You know here on SR we are very honest so I am going to give you my opinion. You are really enabling your husband. You are cleaning up his mess, with good intention, but enabling him while doing so.
Rehab was an epic fail for him. He made it 5 days and has been on a bender since. You did not uphold your boundary. Boundary was honesty. He wasn't honest. Now you are cleaning us his pee puddles and contacting his counselor who seems to be delusional as well that if "you can just get him to me" that everything will be alright. Your husband has received a hall pass AGAIN - with everyone fluttering around him cleaning up his mess and patting him on the back telling him "its ok, we EXPECTED THIS TO HAPPEN, this is very common, dust yourself off - get back to rehab. Until everyone gets on board with the expectation that this WILL NOT happen and if it does woe be unto you - I am pretty sure it will continue.
Your husband who is NOT RAH - he is just AH, did not get one moment of any type of repercussion. This is the WORST thing you can do with an addict. Going to rehab is not a repercussion, its a vacation for him.
I can hear in your entire last post hope, and the belief that you and counselor have figured out how to get husband sober. I don't blame you because those of us who have been through it with our spouses have felt the same - I know I did, I came here to SR so someone would tell me how to fix RAH who relapsed after 10 years sober. I felt the same as you, hopeful and willing to do whatever it took because I loved him and I didn't want our relationship to end. I simply couldn't imagine leaving him to his own devices and killing himself in the process.
All of our stories are different yet they are all the same - and the outcome is the same if you choose to enable. The only chance you have to help you husband is to help yourself. It is a fact that stopping enabling and codependent behaviors MAY affect the addict in a positive way - I say may because it may not. Get to Al Anon - work the steps. This will help you more than you know it will save your sanity cause there is a lot of quacking going on in your household. You may "know" that you can't fix your husband but I don't think you really "believe" that - your actions say otherwise.
I'm pulling for you both, sounds like there is a good marriage here infected with alcoholism.
I suggest you read the threads of HopefulmomtoD who has been commenting here. A very similar circumstance with her son who went to rehab and detoxes around 6 times and what it actually took for him to choose sobriety. I could name dozens of other threads as well - as I said different yet all the same.
Sending (((hugs))) your way. Best, Red
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Weeellll.... I have mixed feelings. Here's my take. It appears that, before and during rehab, and even when he first got out, that he really wanted to get better. SOMETIMES it takes one or more slips before someone truly appreciates the fact that this disease is as "cunning, baffling, and powerful" as it is.
I never buy the line is that "relapse is a normal part of recovery". That implies that you get a free pass to screw around for a while. It isn't. But it is part of many people's paths, anyway. For some people, even those who want to get sober and stay that way, they are shocked to find out how easy it is to give in. They misjudge the process. They think, especially guys like your husband, who is "educated, smart, a bit more 'mature, than others there, charismatic, encouraging, nice" (and people would probably describe me the same way), that they have this thing licked just by learning about it and getting some insight. I'm fortunate that I have been around AA and alcoholics for long enough that I knew a little better than that. I was scared to death to pick up a drink.
I think what the counselor was getting at (and I do NOT think he's delusional--I think he knows very well what the challenges are) is that if he comes back, the counselor now has some insight into what his weak spots may be and they can focus on those. My guess is that he will want him to focus on the "powerless" aspect of the disease.
So anyway, I don't think either one of you has necessarily suffered an epic fail. I hope he goes back and gets serious. And I hope you will resist the urge to micromanage. It's very hard not to, but really, really important for both of you.
And until/unless he shows signs of abandoning recovery I'd keep the R. Just my opinion.
I never buy the line is that "relapse is a normal part of recovery". That implies that you get a free pass to screw around for a while. It isn't. But it is part of many people's paths, anyway. For some people, even those who want to get sober and stay that way, they are shocked to find out how easy it is to give in. They misjudge the process. They think, especially guys like your husband, who is "educated, smart, a bit more 'mature, than others there, charismatic, encouraging, nice" (and people would probably describe me the same way), that they have this thing licked just by learning about it and getting some insight. I'm fortunate that I have been around AA and alcoholics for long enough that I knew a little better than that. I was scared to death to pick up a drink.
I think what the counselor was getting at (and I do NOT think he's delusional--I think he knows very well what the challenges are) is that if he comes back, the counselor now has some insight into what his weak spots may be and they can focus on those. My guess is that he will want him to focus on the "powerless" aspect of the disease.
So anyway, I don't think either one of you has necessarily suffered an epic fail. I hope he goes back and gets serious. And I hope you will resist the urge to micromanage. It's very hard not to, but really, really important for both of you.
And until/unless he shows signs of abandoning recovery I'd keep the R. Just my opinion.
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I think I would check into a hotel. Or drop him off at one.
Does it strike anyone as odd that he was with it enough to call and lie to his counselor and get out of jury duty and then spent the days on a bender?
That's not recovery, is it? And Lexie, would we still really call it recovering while someone is stone-cold drunk and peeing all over everything? This isn't facetious - I'm genuinely curious...
Does it strike anyone as odd that he was with it enough to call and lie to his counselor and get out of jury duty and then spent the days on a bender?
That's not recovery, is it? And Lexie, would we still really call it recovering while someone is stone-cold drunk and peeing all over everything? This isn't facetious - I'm genuinely curious...
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Join Date: May 2012
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red, I hear you. I know what you're saying. I don't think that rehab was a vacation for him. He did a lot of hard work in there, and he was making good progress while he was there. He failed to follow through when he got home, which I did half expect since it's harder to do what he needed to do without the structure of rehab and with the temptations of the real world. I never told him that it was okay that he relapsed, and I don't think his counselor will say that either. But the odds are what they are - many do relapse, but it doesn't equate to instant failure and a point of no return. He CAN come back from it if he picks himself up. As much as I want to, I can't pick him up and I can't fix him - he has to do that himself. But I also don't think it's a terrible thing to support him going to do that. I called the counselor last night for me, and I'm so glad I did. I have a better understanding of what I'm facing here. I know better how to not feed into the fear/shame/guilt spiral. I have a better understanding of the odds and the process and that it's not a case of relapse meaning there's no turning back. He does have a chance, but he has to give that chance to himself and he has to actually do it himself. But that doesn't mean I can't encourage him to do so.
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