LexieCat

Attagirl. Hope is fine, but protecting yourself financially, and in other ways, gives you the freedom to do that without risk to your long-term well-being.

Hope should never take a back seat to reality. Live in the here-and-now, but plan for a future that reflects the reality that things may not go the way you hope they will.

I think you are doing pretty well so far. I know when I was desperately worried about my second husband, I kept some of the voices out of my head at work by listening to music on my headset while I worked at the computer. It helped me focus on work when I needed to. I also tried to schedule small, limited times to spend on planning or just general worries (it's kind of unrealistic to expect NEVER to worry under the circumstances, but the amount of time and energy can sometimes be circumscribed by setting aside a limited time for it).

And I second Florence's observation about the compatibility, and congruity, of the 12 Steps with Buddhist philosophy. I did a lot of reading about Buddhism when I first got sober, because a close friend of mine, a practicing Buddhist, got sober a few weeks before I did. He was VERY inspired (as was I, when he passed it along to me) by the book by Kevin Griffin, "One Breath At A Time," which sort of interprets the 12 Steps through a Buddhist lens. Buddhism is, for the most part (there are some different sects), an "a-theistic" religion, in that there is no central deity, as most of us think of one. Instead, there is karma, and dharma, the Eightfold Path, and living one's life in the Right way. It is basically, like the 12 Steps, a model for a healthy, whole life. I know several atheists (and Buddhists) who are very comfortable with the Steps.

And as for the prayer, I think of it as standing together with others who all wish for the same good things to come to them and to others. There's something powerful, comforting, and healing about the act, regardless of whether you believe your prayers are going to a specific entity or not.

CeciliaV

Well, I ordered two books from Amazon last night - "Everything Changes: Help for Families of Newly Recovering Addicts" by Beverly Conyers & "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice. Not sure if those are good books to curl up with and relax though! I still haven't gotten to watch this week's Walking Dead yet, so that's totally a possibility for the evening's agenda.

CeciliaV

Aand I stumbled. Checked our main CC online & looked at transactions. I swear, I hate this relapsing in my recovery feeling. Sigh. Trying to focus on the good things and the ways I'm doing much better than I used to be, like how I'm not freaking out right now.

SparkleKitty

Is there an online meeting available for you soon?

CeciliaV

Just did a quick search, and no online meetings tonight that I saw off the bat, but there may be a telephone meeting or two that I can try.

SparkleKitty

Of course we are all here thinking of and supporting you. The telephone meeting sounds nice -- I worry about you feeling alone or isolated right now. Not that I ever objected to getting lost in The Walking Dead (), but it might be a good day for some recovery-focused Cecelia-Time.

HopefulmomtoD

Can you be codependent for someone you don't even know? I read this and wanted to know, is he drinking? what did the cc show?

LexieCat

LOL, in my line of work we talk about "compassion fatigue." They used to call it "burnout," but "compassion fatigue" sounds so much more NOBLE, doesn't it?

CeciliaV

It showed he went to 7-Eleven. In theory, it could have been for cigarettes, but there's plenty of places closer he could go to get those. I knew. Even without checking the CC, I knew what I would come home to. He didn't go to IOP today (obviously) and told me via text that he is just not ready to go back, that he needs some time to sort things out with himself. (Whatever that means.) He also said he knows I'm disappointed (that he didn't go to IOP or even to just go see his counselor), but I told him not to worry about me and to focus on himself.

I found out via text with his sister that his BIL talked with him today and thought he sounded good, and I had to break the news to her that if he sounded too good, then it meant he drank. If he wasn't drinking, then he should have sounded like sh*t. I could feel her heart sink through the texts back & forth. It's kinda sad that I'm getting "good enough" to know when he's drinking without even seeing him or even talking to him myself.

And lol, I guess it IS possible to be codie for someone you don't know!

CeciliaV

Oh, and now I'm trying to counsel his poor sister. She's worried sick. And DH told BIL that he won't come visit them next week (DH's & BIL's spring breaks coincide) because it is a bad environment for him. I agree that he needs to not just run away from reality and put himself in a cocoon of forced sobriety and needs to stay here and actually GO to his IOP (which he now claims he will go to on Monday). I tried to tell her this, but apparently DH was specific and told his BIL it was his sister in particular. Ouch. That stings. I wasn't privvy to the detals of the convo, so I really don't know what specifically was said or how. I am trying to let her know he doesn't mean or know half of what he says when he's drinking & to not take it to heart (not apologizing for him, just trying to clue her in to dealing with and "interpreting" an alcoholic who is drinking), but I know she's hurt and, in her words, "pretty burned up this moment."

HopefulmomtoD

I'm surprised they will still take him at IOP. Last year, my son had intake for IOP, tested positive for alcohol and they told him they would not take him. Maybe its because he lied? But, I got the impression it was because he drank period. (He got referred to IOP following a week detox stay. He was home all of two days before his first IOP session and relapsed)

CeciliaV

Well, I don't think they would want him there WHILE drunk. I know they did testing when clients came back to the rehab facility after passes to go into the outside world, but not sure if they do "drops" as they call them for alcohol at his IOP if he's already enrolled. He's gone through intake with rehab, but not sure if he had to do an intake when he started the IOP program last week - it's at the same facility as his rehab. I really don't know, but good question.

HopefulmomtoD

He wasn't drunk. In fact, I think he blew clean, but his blood or urine proved he had alcohol recently. We left intake thinking he was starting in a couple of days, but they called once the labs came back and said he could not come without another detox- I think I am remembering it correctly. (There have been quite a few rehabs/hospitalizations ... unfortunately. Its hard to keep it all straight!)

LexieCat

Now he's going to IOP MONDAY? Great--three more days of nonstop drinking. I doubt he will go on Monday. OK, I've officially changed my opinion about his present commitment to recovery. Someone could have a 2-3 day slip, fall not too far and get busy redoubling their efforts, but the further they slide, the further they slide. This stalling does not look very promising for the immediate future. Not to say he won't get back to it, but it could take days, weeks, or months.

As for his sister, you might suggest SHE check out Al-Anon.

Sorry things are taking this turn. Once an alcoholic picks up a drink, it's a complete crapshoot where it will wind up. I was hoping (as I know you were) that it was just a slip, but it's looking like he's determined to shoot himself in the foot. This is the problem with people who have all that INTELLIGENCE going for them--they have egos and pride to match, and it keeps them from getting humble enough to go back through the doors.

Keep taking good care of YOURSELF--no matter what he does.

CeciliaV

And I just talked to his BIL, who was also kinda ticked off that, as he put it, "he lied to my face!" about drinking. Oy. I'm counseling HIM now too on the ways of an alcoholic. Don't take it personal, it's not done AT you, expecting a drinking alcoholic to tell the truth is expecting too much, etc. Anywho, BIL is now considering coming out here to visit. I have no idea whether it would be a good or bad thing for DH for BIL to visit. Personally and selfishly, I could use the company of a not drunk person in the house. In some way, it may help DH to have his BIL here - he looks up to him like a father (again, long story, but short version is that his sister and BIL took him in when he left home at 15), and having him here would maybe help him find the strength to not drink for more than 18-20 hours. I doubt DH would be in good physical shape for a chunk or all of the visit - depending on if/when he stops drinking before this possible visit, BIL may show up at a terribly shaky & sweaty time, or he may be there to watch him descend into shakes & sweats, or he may just see what DH is like in the grip of alcohol. I dunno. I'm conflicted. And part of me kinda wants someone else in the fam to be here to see it so I'm not alone to watch it. Is that selfish or bad of me to think that way?

HopefulmomtoD

Gosh, I think if I were you I'd be checking into a hotel for the weekend. UGH. I couldn't stand to be around him killing himself. How big is your condo? Pretty hard to detach when they are right in your face.

CeciliaV

Yeah, not looking terribly hopeful right now at all for the immediate future. He just keeps sliding and spiraling deeper and deeper. For his own sake, I do hope he does get back to it.

I think I will. She's not faith-y either, but I think she could use some support and guidance and insight. She's referred to "recidivism" rates after rehab being high & whatnot...but she's not calling it what it is - relapsing into drinking. She's hurt and confused and doesn't know where to turn. Believe me, I know that feeling!!

I'm sorry, too. He's hellbent on self-destruction, one minute saying he wants to get better so badly and the next succumbing to it. And I am going to keep taking care of myself. Going to call my nephew in a bit to wish him a happy birthday (party was this last weekend but today's the actual day), make some dinner, watch some TV, have some me time. I'm spent from these last couple days. I can't imagine what I would feel like right now if I didn't take time for myself this past weekend to recharge and unplug from this insanity. Oh, and I'm going to sit down and look at finances tonight - I put a small starter amount of money into the new "just in case" account, but I want to make a plan to actually *fund* the fund and move some money in there.

CeciliaV

It's not off the table. The condo is about 1100 SF, so not tiny but not big enough to make it easy to get away and detach some.

LexieCat

I think I'd stay out of the relationship between your husband and his family. You don't have to protect either party from the other. As for whether your brother-in-law comes to visit, I would make that decision based on how YOU feel--if you think it might help you, let him come. If not, don't. Don't decide based on what's "best" for your husband. Right now he is a liability in your household--I think your vote counts more at this point.

CeciliaV

Thank you, I needed that. I think I need a reminder to be selfish every now and again. And by "every now and again" I mean constantly.

It's so hard to stay out of things with his family. They're at a distance and they don't have a front seat to what's going on here, which is good and bad. They don't get to feel what I feel and see what I see, so they're somewhat clueless as to what's really going on. DH isn't entirely forthcoming with them either when he's not sober.

I would certainly enjoy the company of BIL. He's a great guy on so many levels. I feel he is ill-equipped to deal with this in a lot of ways...but hell, I'm ill-equipped to deal with all this too, and he's a big boy and can take care of himself and make his own decisions as to whether he wants to come. It may be both good and bad for ME for him to visit, but I do want to give it a shot and like I said, it would be good to have someone here who I'm close to who I can guarantee will NOT be drunk. I sure could use some sober companionship. And if DH decides to drink while he's here, then me and the BIL can just go do some fun stuff together.

It's not set it stone just yet, he hasn't bought tix.