I believe my saga is at an end... what to do?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
I believe my saga is at an end... what to do?
So the EXRAG and I spoke yesterday about her and 2 friends from AA coming to get the rest of her things from my house. I left VM this morning to confirm, and spent the afternoon away from the house. I requested her to text me when done. Never got a text. Got home at 4 - she never came by. Totally unaccounted for.
Of course, my impulsive codependent behavior, I went by her apartment. She let me in and hugged me tight, cried, and then I could see it in her eyes and body movement. And I also took a slug of her diet coke that was iced tea colored - Heavy Vodka, her drink of choice. There was no anger, no arguing, etc. Just sadness. We talked about the severity of it- with tears in her eyes, she stated she started drinking again in mid-November. My instinct thinks it started well before then, as the signs were there.
All of the inconsistent conversations, actions, texts, etc, have now become clear. While I have been holding on for a future with whom I thought was working a program and becoming sober, I think those dreams finally got crushed today. While I was jealous that the 3rd party was going to get the best of her, I no longer feel that way. I feel sorry for him.
But mostly, I feel so much sadness for her. Today I could see her suffering, I could see her powerless, and I could see her hurting. She looked defeated. When I left, we hugged again, and I told her I loved her and hoped she would get the help she needed.
Oddly, I think this has lit a new path for me. While I still beat myself up for many things that contributed to the demise of our relationship, I can now clearly see how sick she still is. Perhaps I just needed the Vodka proof, since her actions (which should have been enough) just were not bringing it home. I am NOT crazy. She is still drinking. 40 days in rehab and 3 months in halfway house, and a few months out she is back at it.
So, while my plan is no-contact, what should I do otherwise? Let her cousin know (who is a few years sober)? Tell her Ex-sponsor? Let her Ex-husband know (she has split custody with 16 and 18 year old daughters) - she is not allowed to drive either child in a car - it has been a family rule for 3 years, which is strictly adhered to by the kids, so kids in car accident is not a concern.
I am not sure what to do. I hate to see her suffer in silence.
For me, tomorrow's Alanon meeting cannot get here fast enough.
Of course, my impulsive codependent behavior, I went by her apartment. She let me in and hugged me tight, cried, and then I could see it in her eyes and body movement. And I also took a slug of her diet coke that was iced tea colored - Heavy Vodka, her drink of choice. There was no anger, no arguing, etc. Just sadness. We talked about the severity of it- with tears in her eyes, she stated she started drinking again in mid-November. My instinct thinks it started well before then, as the signs were there.
All of the inconsistent conversations, actions, texts, etc, have now become clear. While I have been holding on for a future with whom I thought was working a program and becoming sober, I think those dreams finally got crushed today. While I was jealous that the 3rd party was going to get the best of her, I no longer feel that way. I feel sorry for him.
But mostly, I feel so much sadness for her. Today I could see her suffering, I could see her powerless, and I could see her hurting. She looked defeated. When I left, we hugged again, and I told her I loved her and hoped she would get the help she needed.
Oddly, I think this has lit a new path for me. While I still beat myself up for many things that contributed to the demise of our relationship, I can now clearly see how sick she still is. Perhaps I just needed the Vodka proof, since her actions (which should have been enough) just were not bringing it home. I am NOT crazy. She is still drinking. 40 days in rehab and 3 months in halfway house, and a few months out she is back at it.
So, while my plan is no-contact, what should I do otherwise? Let her cousin know (who is a few years sober)? Tell her Ex-sponsor? Let her Ex-husband know (she has split custody with 16 and 18 year old daughters) - she is not allowed to drive either child in a car - it has been a family rule for 3 years, which is strictly adhered to by the kids, so kids in car accident is not a concern.
I am not sure what to do. I hate to see her suffer in silence.
For me, tomorrow's Alanon meeting cannot get here fast enough.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi
I am so sorry about what you are going through, but it does sound like this was the eye opening moment that you needed. I don't think there is anything you really can do aside from beginning the process of letting go. Is it your business to tell anyone how much she's been drinking? I would be careful about that one.
I am so sorry about what you are going through, but it does sound like this was the eye opening moment that you needed. I don't think there is anything you really can do aside from beginning the process of letting go. Is it your business to tell anyone how much she's been drinking? I would be careful about that one.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I am so sorry to hear that your GF is drinking again. That is the worst possible news for those of us who have hopes for our alcoholic partners, and I send you my sympathy and empathy.
As to what to do now, I think the first thing is to get clear on whose problem this is. Remember the three C's:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
Glad you're headed to Alanon, if you haven't picked up Co-dependent No More, I recommend it as a book that was very useful for me when I was trying to decide which of the problems were mine to solve, and which weren't.
ShootingStar1
As to what to do now, I think the first thing is to get clear on whose problem this is. Remember the three C's:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
Glad you're headed to Alanon, if you haven't picked up Co-dependent No More, I recommend it as a book that was very useful for me when I was trying to decide which of the problems were mine to solve, and which weren't.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
So sad for both of you... naturally you just described the little nightmare I try to keep out of my head and pray I never go through so it hurt to read that.
Very sad.
Good luck to you my friend, you own your mistakes and she hers but her drinking is not your fault.
Very sad.
Good luck to you my friend, you own your mistakes and she hers but her drinking is not your fault.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Babe,
Your first instinct is still "what should I do for her?"
Let go.
Her cousin, her ex, her sponsor - they're not your monkey. It's her circus. Let it go.
Deep breaths. No contact. Work your program. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Your first instinct is still "what should I do for her?"
Let go.
Her cousin, her ex, her sponsor - they're not your monkey. It's her circus. Let it go.
Deep breaths. No contact. Work your program. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Honey, You keep asking us for a different answer to the exact same question........ we just CANNOT provide that for you. It truly is what it is.... She is an active alkie....
These crazy conversations you and her have been having........ I kept thinking to myself she is NOT in recovery, she is drinking......... of course I do not know her, so how could I even say that ? BUT I know the behavior, I have walked in your shoes, I have felt the same hurt and devastation, I was so hopeful, this was going to be the time , he will beat this addiction, we would finally have a chance......
THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. They all have the monkey on their back, some of them too far gone to turn it around for themselves. And I am not saying this to offend anyone, I just know that the guy I spent 5 years will die from addiction, he will NEVER be able to quit, He NEVER wants to quit, HE is perfectly happy in his world of DRUNKEN STUPOR.... AND he is going to die from his addiction or a complication of addiction. period.
To this day I cannot understand....... but I no longer need to even begin to understand, his addiction cannot no longer consume my life, I do not hold the key to his sobriety, and he simply has ZERO to ever offer me, his words are meaningless, his " I Love You's'" are nothing more than a moment in time, that's it..... nothing more........
I came to this forum in June of 2011....... lost, confused, scared, emotionally battered, hurting, and like you searching for answers........ In order for me to truly go forward, I had to surrender,.... and dammit it hurt,...... almost two years later, I won't admit it to anyone else, other than here at SR, it STILL hurts. But the hurt is slowly be replaced with "this is just how it had to play out" I have learned from this painful experience, i have moved on in my life. And if you give it a chance, you too can move forward. Time to give more validation to you and your life.
All your post have been about her, how bout we talk about you for a bit?
These crazy conversations you and her have been having........ I kept thinking to myself she is NOT in recovery, she is drinking......... of course I do not know her, so how could I even say that ? BUT I know the behavior, I have walked in your shoes, I have felt the same hurt and devastation, I was so hopeful, this was going to be the time , he will beat this addiction, we would finally have a chance......
THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. They all have the monkey on their back, some of them too far gone to turn it around for themselves. And I am not saying this to offend anyone, I just know that the guy I spent 5 years will die from addiction, he will NEVER be able to quit, He NEVER wants to quit, HE is perfectly happy in his world of DRUNKEN STUPOR.... AND he is going to die from his addiction or a complication of addiction. period.
To this day I cannot understand....... but I no longer need to even begin to understand, his addiction cannot no longer consume my life, I do not hold the key to his sobriety, and he simply has ZERO to ever offer me, his words are meaningless, his " I Love You's'" are nothing more than a moment in time, that's it..... nothing more........
I came to this forum in June of 2011....... lost, confused, scared, emotionally battered, hurting, and like you searching for answers........ In order for me to truly go forward, I had to surrender,.... and dammit it hurt,...... almost two years later, I won't admit it to anyone else, other than here at SR, it STILL hurts. But the hurt is slowly be replaced with "this is just how it had to play out" I have learned from this painful experience, i have moved on in my life. And if you give it a chance, you too can move forward. Time to give more validation to you and your life.
All your post have been about her, how bout we talk about you for a bit?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
It is always sad to me how many people are in such dark places because of alcohol and drugs...and there is nothing we can do except encourage them to do the next right thing. That decision and the work involved is entirely up to them.
If you really want a clean break, pack up her things, have her two AA friends come by, pick them up, and bring them to her.
I hope that you will soon believe that you deserve better treatment.
If you really want a clean break, pack up her things, have her two AA friends come by, pick them up, and bring them to her.
I hope that you will soon believe that you deserve better treatment.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You do nothing "for" her, just for you. Her family, her ex-sponsor, they are all aware of her problem. You are still trying to fix her. You are still thinking that if you can just DO something--figure out what it is that she needs--she will get better.
That doesn't work. She KNOWS what to do. She was in AA and had a sponsor. The tools are there. She has to pick them up and use them. You can't do that for her.
Your JOB is to take care of herself. I suggest that you ask one of her friends to pick up her stuff so it is out of your house. And then go on with your life. Al-Anon, or therapy, might help you get on the right track.
That doesn't work. She KNOWS what to do. She was in AA and had a sponsor. The tools are there. She has to pick them up and use them. You can't do that for her.
Your JOB is to take care of herself. I suggest that you ask one of her friends to pick up her stuff so it is out of your house. And then go on with your life. Al-Anon, or therapy, might help you get on the right track.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Crazed, you have been given some great advice here.
The thoughts that I couldn't do anything to help my AW at first seemed like I was giving up, that I should be able to do something. The truth was I had no more control over her than I did over the weather.
Something I learned here and at Alanon is the 3 A's.
Awareness, acceptance, action.
I was here because I was aware that things weren't right and nothing I did made it better. It took me awhile to allow myself to accept this as true, my ego refused to at first even when the rest of me new it to be true. Finally I admitted to myself that I couldn't think myself out of this, that in fact my best thinking had put me in this position, I was ready to let go and start taking care of myself.
Last step was to actually do that, give up the illusion that I had any control over her life and start living mine. It was possibly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It was well worth it.
Your friend,
The thoughts that I couldn't do anything to help my AW at first seemed like I was giving up, that I should be able to do something. The truth was I had no more control over her than I did over the weather.
Something I learned here and at Alanon is the 3 A's.
Awareness, acceptance, action.
I was here because I was aware that things weren't right and nothing I did made it better. It took me awhile to allow myself to accept this as true, my ego refused to at first even when the rest of me new it to be true. Finally I admitted to myself that I couldn't think myself out of this, that in fact my best thinking had put me in this position, I was ready to let go and start taking care of myself.
Last step was to actually do that, give up the illusion that I had any control over her life and start living mine. It was possibly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It was well worth it.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Nothing do nothing, not your responsibility.
Originally Posted by Crazed 
So the EXRAG and I spoke yesterday about her and 2 friends from AA coming to get the rest of her things from my house. I left VM this morning to confirm, and spent the afternoon away from the house. I requested her to text me when done. Never got a text. Got home at 4 - she never came by. Totally unaccounted for.
Of course, my impulsive codependent behavior, I went by her apartment. She let me in and hugged me tight, cried, and then I could see it in her eyes and body movement. And I also took a slug of her diet coke that was iced tea colored - Heavy Vodka, her drink of choice. There was no anger, no arguing, etc. Just sadness. We talked about the severity of it- with tears in her eyes, she stated she started drinking again in mid-November. My instinct thinks it started well before then, as the signs were there.
All of the inconsistent conversations, actions, texts, etc, have now become clear. While I have been holding on for a future with whom I thought was working a program and becoming sober, I think those dreams finally got crushed today. While I was jealous that the 3rd party was going to get the best of her, I no longer feel that way. I feel sorry for him.
But mostly, I feel so much sadness for her. Today I could see her suffering, I could see her powerless, and I could see her hurting. She looked defeated. When I left, we hugged again, and I told her I loved her and hoped she would get the help she needed.
Oddly, I think this has lit a new path for me. While I still beat myself up for many things that contributed to the demise of our relationship, I can now clearly see how sick she still is. Perhaps I just needed the Vodka proof, since her actions (which should have been enough) just were not bringing it home. I am NOT crazy. She is still drinking. 40 days in rehab and 3 months in halfway house, and a few months out she is back at it.
So, while my plan is no-contact, what should I do otherwise? Let her cousin know (who is a few years sober)? Tell her Ex-sponsor? Let her Ex-husband know (she has split custody with 16 and 18 year old daughters) - she is not allowed to drive either child in a car - it has been a family rule for 3 years, which is strictly adhered to by the kids, so kids in car accident is not a concern.
I am not sure what to do. I hate to see her suffer in silence.
For me, tomorrow's Alanon meeting cannot get here fast enough.
Of course, my impulsive codependent behavior, I went by her apartment. She let me in and hugged me tight, cried, and then I could see it in her eyes and body movement. And I also took a slug of her diet coke that was iced tea colored - Heavy Vodka, her drink of choice. There was no anger, no arguing, etc. Just sadness. We talked about the severity of it- with tears in her eyes, she stated she started drinking again in mid-November. My instinct thinks it started well before then, as the signs were there.
All of the inconsistent conversations, actions, texts, etc, have now become clear. While I have been holding on for a future with whom I thought was working a program and becoming sober, I think those dreams finally got crushed today. While I was jealous that the 3rd party was going to get the best of her, I no longer feel that way. I feel sorry for him.
But mostly, I feel so much sadness for her. Today I could see her suffering, I could see her powerless, and I could see her hurting. She looked defeated. When I left, we hugged again, and I told her I loved her and hoped she would get the help she needed.
Oddly, I think this has lit a new path for me. While I still beat myself up for many things that contributed to the demise of our relationship, I can now clearly see how sick she still is. Perhaps I just needed the Vodka proof, since her actions (which should have been enough) just were not bringing it home. I am NOT crazy. She is still drinking. 40 days in rehab and 3 months in halfway house, and a few months out she is back at it.
So, while my plan is no-contact, what should I do otherwise? Let her cousin know (who is a few years sober)? Tell her Ex-sponsor? Let her Ex-husband know (she has split custody with 16 and 18 year old daughters) - she is not allowed to drive either child in a car - it has been a family rule for 3 years, which is strictly adhered to by the kids, so kids in car accident is not a concern.
I am not sure what to do. I hate to see her suffer in silence.
For me, tomorrow's Alanon meeting cannot get here fast enough.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
Originally Posted by marie1960
Honey, You keep asking us for a different answer to the exact same question........ we just CANNOT provide that for you. It truly is what it is.... She is an active alkie....
These crazy conversations you and her have been having........ I kept thinking to myself she is NOT in recovery, she is drinking......... of course I do not know her, so how could I even say that ? BUT I know the behavior, I have walked in your shoes, I have felt the same hurt and devastation, I was so hopeful, this was going to be the time , he will beat this addiction, we would finally have a chance......
THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. They all have the monkey on their back, some of them too far gone to turn it around for themselves. And I am not saying this to offend anyone, I just know that the guy I spent 5 years will die from addiction, he will NEVER be able to quit, He NEVER wants to quit, HE is perfectly happy in his world of DRUNKEN STUPOR.... AND he is going to die from his addiction or a complication of addiction. period.
To this day I cannot understand....... but I no longer need to even begin to understand, his addiction cannot no longer consume my life, I do not hold the key to his sobriety, and he simply has ZERO to ever offer me, his words are meaningless, his " I Love You's'" are nothing more than a moment in time, that's it..... nothing more........
I came to this forum in June of 2011....... lost, confused, scared, emotionally battered, hurting, and like you searching for answers........ In order for me to truly go forward, I had to surrender,.... and dammit it hurt,...... almost two years later, I won't admit it to anyone else, other than here at SR, it STILL hurts. But the hurt is slowly be replaced with "this is just how it had to play out" I have learned from this painful experience, i have moved on in my life. And if you give it a chance, you too can move forward. Time to give more validation to you and your life.
All your post have been about her, how bout we talk about you for a bit?
These crazy conversations you and her have been having........ I kept thinking to myself she is NOT in recovery, she is drinking......... of course I do not know her, so how could I even say that ? BUT I know the behavior, I have walked in your shoes, I have felt the same hurt and devastation, I was so hopeful, this was going to be the time , he will beat this addiction, we would finally have a chance......
THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. They all have the monkey on their back, some of them too far gone to turn it around for themselves. And I am not saying this to offend anyone, I just know that the guy I spent 5 years will die from addiction, he will NEVER be able to quit, He NEVER wants to quit, HE is perfectly happy in his world of DRUNKEN STUPOR.... AND he is going to die from his addiction or a complication of addiction. period.
To this day I cannot understand....... but I no longer need to even begin to understand, his addiction cannot no longer consume my life, I do not hold the key to his sobriety, and he simply has ZERO to ever offer me, his words are meaningless, his " I Love You's'" are nothing more than a moment in time, that's it..... nothing more........
I came to this forum in June of 2011....... lost, confused, scared, emotionally battered, hurting, and like you searching for answers........ In order for me to truly go forward, I had to surrender,.... and dammit it hurt,...... almost two years later, I won't admit it to anyone else, other than here at SR, it STILL hurts. But the hurt is slowly be replaced with "this is just how it had to play out" I have learned from this painful experience, i have moved on in my life. And if you give it a chance, you too can move forward. Time to give more validation to you and your life.
All your post have been about her, how bout we talk about you for a bit?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
But mostly, I feel so much sadness for her. Today I could see her suffering, I could see her powerless, and I could see her hurting. She looked defeated.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Thanks for all of the kind words and support. Today has been an absolutely horrible day - of my own making. I tossed and turned all night with the image of her pathetic, sitting on the floor with tears streaming down her face. My feelings aside, I feel so BAD FOR HER. I am so afraid she will end up like her mother (died in sleep after ingesting Vodka - mother was in her early 40s. Approximately the same age as my EXAG). While I vowed no contact, I tried to call her several times today, to which I got a text of "Stop Calling." I called once more, and she picked up and I did not get the crying alcoholic. I got the angry alcoholic. After being threatened and hung up on (I think that is completely immature), I finally texted her that she needed to make arrangements with a moving company to come by and pick up her things before next Sunday. There is 1000s of dollars worth of things - I cannot bring myself to throw away/leave at curb. I instructed her that the company needs to contact me, as I will no longer communicate with her.
I just finished blocking all of her phone numbers, as well as all of her email addresses.
I feel like I have been discarded like the cheap plastic bottles of Vodka she drinks. While it pains me, I still have no empathy for myself. Only empathy for her. I will ask my higher power for strength, and also pray for her and her children. This feeling of utter and complete helplessness is very painful.
I also feel like I am the only one who knows her secret. She is living the lie of going to AA, meets regularly with her therapist, etc. She has told nobody that she has been actively drinking for months. This is a huge cross for me to bear by myself, especially if something bad happens.
I just finished blocking all of her phone numbers, as well as all of her email addresses.
I feel like I have been discarded like the cheap plastic bottles of Vodka she drinks. While it pains me, I still have no empathy for myself. Only empathy for her. I will ask my higher power for strength, and also pray for her and her children. This feeling of utter and complete helplessness is very painful.
I also feel like I am the only one who knows her secret. She is living the lie of going to AA, meets regularly with her therapist, etc. She has told nobody that she has been actively drinking for months. This is a huge cross for me to bear by myself, especially if something bad happens.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Another thought - not that it matters-
My brother-in-law made a statement to me about his theory of why she left me. "You had her number. She could no longer BS you about drinking, as you know all the signs. You had her backed in a corner. Her pride would not allow her to admit she relapsed - she spent thousands and months at rehab. It is easier to move out than feel that guilt and shame. And now by herself, she gets to keep her secret."
... which makes me think that since I am the only one that knows her secret, I am now being shown the exit from her life....
My brother-in-law made a statement to me about his theory of why she left me. "You had her number. She could no longer BS you about drinking, as you know all the signs. You had her backed in a corner. Her pride would not allow her to admit she relapsed - she spent thousands and months at rehab. It is easier to move out than feel that guilt and shame. And now by herself, she gets to keep her secret."
... which makes me think that since I am the only one that knows her secret, I am now being shown the exit from her life....
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