Crazed

I don't think so. I don't believe I want her to need me. I just want her to love me - and be sober. I think I am putting my selfish needs in front of her recovery. I want us to work on our relationship NOW. Ignoring her and my current issues... Crazy thinking.

But what I am learning about myself through this is difficult. I have been blaming our relationship issues for years on her drinking and dishonesty- Since that pink elephant is so large, it is easy to not look at my character defects. We have spent alot of time talking about my failures in the relationship. I have to say, many of them are sound. Without going into detail, I can see where I have fallen short as a supporting, loving and nurturing partner to both her and her children. The sickness comes in when I do not meet HER needs, she acts out. WHen she acts out, I exhibit more of what is lacking in our relationship. Am I sick, or has her behavior over the years make me sick? I guess it doesn't matter. We both know we are currently sick.

Honestly, I am identifying a huge issue as the introduction of the 3rd party- potentially insecurity. If she had requested 90 days of no contact after rehab, I would have been OK with it. I think that I feel so threatened with the 3rd party guy that I am scrambling. I am afraid that if we don't talk or see each other, he will swoop in and get her love and affection. He is that "nice guy" that doesn't pressure, and is always there to "call to see how the move went, and to see if she is OK."

I think a healthy person would say "If she loves him and it makes her happy and lives out the rest of her life sober, then go in peace." While I do think one minute, the next minute is followed by my competive nature of "There is no way he can provide the lifestyle she has become accustomed to, they are completely intellectually on different planets, etc."

And I don't trust what she is telling me..... but I want to. Especially since she seems to have turned a corner with her recovery...

Crazed

I so wish mine would do that. Mine does just the opposite- From conversation yesterday, "I am so proud of what you have been doing for yourself. With you going to Alanon to better yourself, and actually reading up and taking an interest in my disease, I feel that you may be able to understand me. I am committing to my recovery and my daughters. And I am hoping to learn how to love myself. With you and me both recovering, who's to say that in a few months time we will not be back together being able to love each other stronger than we ever have before. If it is in God's plan, it will happen."

Again - here is the HOPE.

AtATotalLoss

I know for me it was just a level of sick co-dependency that became so all consuming that it feels like part of you has died when you finally let it go. I cared so deeply that I let myself be completely buried by it. What do I know - still working through all of it myself. But I can say that even though I am still having moments of every emotion known to mankind, I am finally feeling relief that I know I don't have to play that game anymore. That their recovery is theirs and I can't do anything other than hope for them. The same way you hope and feel for people that have suffered a natural disaster. So sad, but I have to just pray that they can recover and move on.
I am focusing on me for a while and I keep having to remind myself (seriously about once every ten minutes) that doing so doesn't mean I don't care or that I am selfish. It is what is best for everyone, because I can't take care of anyone when I'm a hot mess too.
Hang in there - this didn't happen overnight and it is not going to get fixed overnight either!! Take baby steps and focus on what is better now in this moment in time. Hard to do but well worth it.

LexieCat

OK, what you are saying makes sense. I get where the "third party" could seem threatening. But your holding on more tightly isn't the answer.

You DID get to your meeting this morning, didn't you? I hope your stop-off to check on her didn't derail that. If it did, I suggest you find another meeting. Preferably in the other direction.

AtATotalLoss

"I am so proud of what you have been doing for yourself. With you going to Alanon to better yourself, and actually reading up and taking an interest in my disease, I feel that you may be able to understand me."

Umm, what?? She needs to take an interest in her disease. Crazed - I am thinking that this is only more manipulation only disguised as hope. So sad how alcoholics can't even have freedom to be the good people that are under their sickness I hope for her that she can get serious about her recovery and get better. That is on her. For you I hope that you can get some distance and start being able to enjoy some time that is not sucked up in all this. And to be able to let it go and start being you again! Just like she deserves to have a better life and sobriety, you deserve not to be merely one more addiction for her. Hoping for you most of all and hoping for her too.

Crazed

I did make it to Alanon. Helped me get grounded. I must clarify- in addition to Alanon, i have been reading about the physiological and psychological effects of alcohol on the alcoholic.

During our relationship, i took very little interest in her recovery and was not all that emotionally supportive. Honestly, I got discouraged with AA. She spent so much time there over the last 5 years, with very little to show for it. I believe I actually started to resent her going to meetings and not spending time with me. Over the last few months i have begun to understand it was not a failure of AA, it was a failure of her. When she got home from treatment, i expected her to be fixed and all of our problems to go away. Learning about the disease, and my role in the dance, is what she was referring to.

LexieCat

Glad you made it to the meeting. Keep going--it can only help.