ZiggyB

Hi Crazed,
That really sucks but yes, you do need to stop calling her. Last week I visualized turning all of my problems over to God (higher power, or whatever you want to call it).

I know you feel sorry for her but she has made it clear she doesn't want your help so it's time to walk away from the situation and go back to living your life. There are lots of feelings that will likely come up, in addition to worry, you feel sad and angry.

I am a bit of a fool myself - I tried "helping" for 3 years which did absolutely no good for him, but I succeeded in making myself a complete mental case.

I am still trying to get over the broken promises, the lies and the verbal abuse. The lesson I learned is just not to get involved with any more alcoholics... lol

It is helping... now I just need to stop looking my ex up on the internet. :-P

BunnyNest

Same here Crazed. All the anger about his life, paranoia etc. was taken out on me because I knew the truth, and ultimately, he hated that I knew the truth. He thinks he has everyone else fooled. I walked away finally rather than take any more abuse. So hard.

I'm glad you have blocked blocked blocked. The next week is going to be the hardest, but it will start to get better after that. You will be amazed. Time to take care of you now!

marie1960

Glad to hear from you today. Sorry to hear the day hasn't been better for you.

Just know you probably are not the only person who knows her "little secret." Active alkies expose themselves to others on a daily basis. they are intoxicated, others can see this, smell this, hear this,....... believe me others know.

This is not your burden. She is an adult woman. Adults are responsible for themselves.

As horrible as this sounds, she has the right to drink herself to death. She has chosen NOT to embrace her own recovery, she's not currently ready, she may never be ready.

The only person you are responsible for is YOU and YOUR actions. Which leads me to...... she is putting it in writing to ....... STOP calling. Best to take the high road here, before you land in front of a judge, it could happen....... she may be setting you up for the fall......

Whenever you feel the need to call her, you can always just jump on line and talk to us, glad to hear you blocked her numbers, and emails!!!

Crazed

So I figured I would beat a dead horse- I got a call from my EXAG's aunt yestarday morning. She has been a close friend to me during my EXAGs 13 alcoholism, and personally has had it with her behavior over the years. She is the sister of my EXAG's deceased mother (who died in hear early 40s by drinking a bottle of Vodka and never waking up) - ironically Vodka is my EXAGs drink of choice, and she is in her early 40s. She has been concerned about the EXAG, as during the holidays she saw several signs of her potentially being drunk. I let her know that her instincts were correct. The Aunt also knows the 3rd party that EX is now dating (small town where everyone knows everyone else's business).

What was painful is how I am being portrayed to EXAGs family. Apparently my relationship with EXAG has been over since the end of October. It was stated to Aunt by EXAG that we have only seen each other once since the October breakup, at which time I asked for a kiss - to which she stated there was no emotion and it was like "kissing her brother." I could not believe I heard this. Apparently the Aunt was not made aware of the lunches, dinners, a few christmas shopping days, -OH- and also the fact that we slept together a few weeks ago. I wanted to defend myself and send her the dozens of texts and voice mails from the last 2.5 months about "How hard this is, I miss and love you.." Heck I even had a text from 3 weeks ago stating "This is so hard. I miss your kiss, your smell - I miss everything about you..." Even on Saturday during our last (AND FINAL) visit, she stated to me "I really miss kissing you!"

While I should know better then to let this bother me, it just hurts to see the extent of lying and manipulation. Play it up around the new guy that I am last weeks trash. Play it up around me that she is confused, and doesn't know what she wants. That she needs time and space to work through some of the resentments she has towards me - WHILE SHE IS ACTIVELY DRINKING.

And insulting my kissing is such a direct attack on me! I know this sounds COMPLETELY high school, but even at 44 it was painful to hear this, when kissing has always been a strong point of our intimacy. One of her resentments has been that we don't kiss enough as we were just getting right to it!

I don't know why I expect anything different. She is actively drinking. Her entire life now is lies. She is a master manipulator. I just am having an issue comprehending just how sick she really is. I am bouncing back and forth between ager and pity, and it is killing me.

Crazed

On the positive side, I have not tried to contact at all since the threat. I still have all of her numbers blocked, as well as all emails. I am trying to figure out the best way to get the rest of her belongings from my house. During my last barrage of very politically correct and business-like texts on Sunday (before I blocked her), I requested she have a moving company call me to make arrangements. I don't expect to hear anything, so I may need to start thinking about plan B.

I will not throw her stuff to the curb/goodwill/etc. It is 1000s of dollars, sentimental things, etc. I could never do that to anyone that I spent 13 years loving, and still love. In my mind it is not the right thing to do.

Pelican

Options:

Ask the Aunt if you can pack up and deliver the last of the belongings to Aunt's house. Ask Aunt to contact ex when goods have been delivered.

OR

Rent a storage unit. Pay the rent for XXXX months (you decide). Ask Aunt to pass information onto your ex. She can pick it up from storage, renew lease, or let it get repossessed. Her choice.

Crazed

Forgot to mention - Aunt is 200 miles away. I went to storage facility yesterday with intent of paying for 1 month - Unfortunately if she does not claim, I (not her) will continue to have the rental unit as a liability and be forced to pay

FireSprite

Well, if these are the only 2 options you might want to seriously consider planning a road trip.

I'm sorry to hear that she started drinking again. I had suspicions based on your description of her behavior, so I'm not shocked, & I know how hard & hurtful it is to hear things like that from a 3rd party about someone you thought you knew so well. It's painful no matter what.

She is making it very clear that alcohol is her primary & sole concern at this point. Staying with you has become difficult, she has sort of run out of excuses & distractions & has been left with a lot of reality that she is choosing not to handle.

So what are you doing today for YOU?

Crazed

And here we go -
Although her emails are blocked, I guess I cannot truly block them (or don't know how) - I just noticed they went to junk mail folder.

12:50 - I know you blocked my calls & emails. I want to come by & drop off keys & get my things. When will it be ok?

12:56 - Make it stop. I love you.

1:11 - Please answer me.

ZiggyB

Oh man, just reading this is killing me. I hope you can see how truly sick she is.

PohsFriend

Hey Buddy.

Sorry that life is crapping on your head today....

So on the rental unit, what say you put the stuff there and leave a key with management for her to receive her stuff and then notify her that it is there.

So she doesn't get it - OK.... how much are we talking for one month? Unless her stuff includes large furniture a $50 unit tops... be responsible for one more month and send her a note that her stuff will be cleared out at the end of month two if she does not claim it.

SAY CLEARED OUT.

Do not say sold, given away, thrown out.... don't do or threaten to do any of those things because aside from being wrong as you said, it can get you in trouble.

I know you wouldn't toss it, you know you wouldn't toss it... she don't know that :-)

That's the least dramatic path i think - storage unit. You do NOT want to watch her move her stuff out - seriously, there's easier methoids of self-torture and you don't want the conflict and drama of taking it to her and I'm guessing you are not keen on letting her and whomever rummage through your place while you are gone?

So sorry you are going through this.

Recovering2

I mean this in the kindest way....you are torturing yourself with all of this. A text that says "make it stop"? You can't make anything stop! That is the classic manipulation of an A.

She's not going to get her stuff. It's her way of keeping one foot in the door. The stuff then gets used as a tool to have to communicate. Until you get this done, you won't be able to finally be free to move forward. Rent a storage for one or two months (I would do one). Give a key to one of her AA friends you mentioned with a note specifying where the storage unit is, and what date it's paid through. She takes it from there. Wish her well, and let her go. Just my opinion. Not trying to be harsh, but this can go on forever if you let it.

Crazed

Make it stop = turn off the call blocking.

I need to get this sh*t out of my house, and this sh*t out of my life

Recovering2

Know there is peace and serenity out there for you my friend.

deeker

Let her hit bottom all by herself. Don't prevent it.

marie1960

"She's not going to get her stuff. It's her way of keeping one foot in the door. The stuff then gets used as a tool to have to communicate. Until you get this done, you won't be able to finally be free to move forward."

^^^^^^^^^^^ I agree with this 1000%^^^^^^^^

To protect yourself, you may want to check with an attorney before putting her stuff in storage. ( it may save unnecessary moving, she may be protected under some tennant's right, depending on the state you reside.) Just to make sure you are following a legal course of action. Perhaps he can draft a letter, explaining you paid for 1 month on her behalf, and that you now consider this matter her sole responsibility. Have it delivered by certified mail, and be done.

There may be a chance she never claims her possessions. Active addicts are not truly attached to material possessions, (they have different attachments.) She cannot hold it together for a day, so I do not believe she gives a crap about her things. If she did, they would be with her today.

By you not contacting her daily, she is starting to feel threatened.
She will step up her game, and the texts and rants will get worse, for a bit. When she sees you are DONE playing her sick, twisted game, you won't hear from her. She will move on and find the next sorry victim, and continue on her destructive ways.......

Crazed

Thanks. Here is my plan - She has a storage unit that I have legal access to, but no key. Later this week I will have a friend of mine call her to get the key. I will remove my belongings, and put hers in there. I will then drop key with her daughter when I visit her at work.

She agreed to this a month ago, and I do not think she will be opposed. It also keeps her out of my house.

PohsFriend

Perfect.... now go to the gym or take a walk or do SOMETHING to get all that energy out so you can think and sleep my brother - you need to slow down a bit. ...I'm a fellow obsessor ;-)

Hugs buddy, this too shall pass.

LexieCat

Good plan, stick to it, and I suggest emptying the junk mail folder without reading it. What you don't know won't make you crazy. Because I, too, am sure she will up the ante--threaten suicide, threaten to do something to you, whatever she feels will get your attention.

FireSprite

GREAT idea!!

I absolutely agree with this too:

and this:

I hope you have a much more peaceful day today Crazed!