Crazed, you have been given some great advice here.
The thoughts that I couldn't do anything to help my AW at first seemed like I was giving up, that I should be able to do something. The truth was I had no more control over her than I did over the weather.
Something I learned here and at Alanon is the 3 A's.
Awareness, acceptance, action.
I was here because I was aware that things weren't right and nothing I did made it better. It took me awhile to allow myself to accept this as true, my ego refused to at first even when the rest of me new it to be true. Finally I admitted to myself that I couldn't think myself out of this, that in fact my best thinking had put me in this position, I was ready to let go and start taking care of myself.
Last step was to actually do that, give up the illusion that I had any control over her life and start living mine. It was possibly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It was well worth it.
Your friend,