Crazed

So the EXRAG and I spoke yesterday about her and 2 friends from AA coming to get the rest of her things from my house. I left VM this morning to confirm, and spent the afternoon away from the house. I requested her to text me when done. Never got a text. Got home at 4 - she never came by. Totally unaccounted for.

Of course, my impulsive codependent behavior, I went by her apartment. She let me in and hugged me tight, cried, and then I could see it in her eyes and body movement. And I also took a slug of her diet coke that was iced tea colored - Heavy Vodka, her drink of choice. There was no anger, no arguing, etc. Just sadness. We talked about the severity of it- with tears in her eyes, she stated she started drinking again in mid-November. My instinct thinks it started well before then, as the signs were there.

All of the inconsistent conversations, actions, texts, etc, have now become clear. While I have been holding on for a future with whom I thought was working a program and becoming sober, I think those dreams finally got crushed today. While I was jealous that the 3rd party was going to get the best of her, I no longer feel that way. I feel sorry for him.

But mostly, I feel so much sadness for her. Today I could see her suffering, I could see her powerless, and I could see her hurting. She looked defeated. When I left, we hugged again, and I told her I loved her and hoped she would get the help she needed.

Oddly, I think this has lit a new path for me. While I still beat myself up for many things that contributed to the demise of our relationship, I can now clearly see how sick she still is. Perhaps I just needed the Vodka proof, since her actions (which should have been enough) just were not bringing it home. I am NOT crazy. She is still drinking. 40 days in rehab and 3 months in halfway house, and a few months out she is back at it.

So, while my plan is no-contact, what should I do otherwise? Let her cousin know (who is a few years sober)? Tell her Ex-sponsor? Let her Ex-husband know (she has split custody with 16 and 18 year old daughters) - she is not allowed to drive either child in a car - it has been a family rule for 3 years, which is strictly adhered to by the kids, so kids in car accident is not a concern.

I am not sure what to do. I hate to see her suffer in silence.

For me, tomorrow's Alanon meeting cannot get here fast enough.