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Time to Drop the Bomb and I'm Scared

Old 11-13-2012, 09:15 PM
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Unhappy Time to Drop the Bomb and I'm Scared

Within the next 48 hours I am going to meet with AW to tell her that I am going to convert from legal separation to final divorce. There is nothing she can do about it, it has been 12 drunk months, and now I can convert to a divorce without her consent.

This is the end of an 18 year marriage. I am so sad. I know she doesn't want to be an A. She can be so sweet and I know she is a caring person. I am angry at the vodka for turning our marriage into a textbook train wreck of lies, poor decision making, painful mistakes, and emotional if not physical infidelity, which was the final straw.

Me being a huge people pleasing Codie, I have been gently and slowly pulling away from her and trying to avoid conflict. I hate telling people things they don't want to hear. In this case, I am telling AW that she is going to be divorced, she really is going to be on her own now, and by the way...you are going to have to move because per our settlement agreement, upon divorce, the house will have to be sold.

She is living in our dream house we bought in 2010 before she fell off the wagon (2 years sober at the time), I live in a small apartment and continue to pay 1/2 of the mortgage, utilities, taxes, insurance etc. I was willing to go with this plan to see if she might get sober, it just hasn't happened. So I'm ready to pull the plug, and she is going to be shocked. I think.

I seem to have an endless supply of love, compassion, and forgiveness for this woman. My friends and family are like, get on with it already! But this is SO HARD for me. We have our memories, many good ones mixed with the bad. We have never lost our sense of humor which has been preserved through all the trials somehow, and I just can't stop caring about her.

She is like a child in many ways, and I feel like I'm jumping from a burning building and leaving the child to fend for herself.

Why is memory so selective? Have I forgotten the pain and drama? Why does my divorce seem so excruciating and difficult? Nothing about this feels good, but I do truly feel I have tried everything and she just. Won't. Stop. Drinking!

This is the ultimate turning over to my higher power. She is going to be in God's hands and I know in the end, she has to work it out with Him and so do I. Each person is responsible for their own life.

I am simply dreading this conversation. I have a "handout", 18 pt font, of how this will affect her, including getting her own health insurance, cell phone, gym membership, and most of all, having to sell the house where she has been fantasizing that I will someday return. Plus she is very comfortable there, she is a real nester and I have no idea where she will go or what she will do.

The silver lining for her is, she is a wealthy woman, I had to give her all of our money and a hefty 6 year maintenance plan because of the value of my family business. She has a ton of cash, even if she doesn't read her mail and is unable to write a check because of her shaking hands.

This is all so sad and pathetic. I know I am prolonging the pain by remaining so close to the whole situation, but I don't know any other way to do it. I do still care. So I am going plow forward, Lord have mercy, and we'll just see how it all goes down.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 11-13-2012, 09:19 PM
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God bless you, friend.
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Old 11-13-2012, 09:21 PM
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"We have our memories" (djayr)

Memories are not a foundation for a life together.

Sending you tons of support.
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Old 11-13-2012, 09:22 PM
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You are amazing.

God bless.
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Old 11-13-2012, 09:25 PM
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my heart breaks for you. I'm sending you a hug.
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Old 11-13-2012, 09:38 PM
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I'm sorry you are dealing with this and I hope you are able to peacefully move forward.
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Old 11-13-2012, 10:00 PM
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Originally Posted by djayr View Post
I know she doesn't want to be an A.

She also doesn't want badly enough to be a RA. Given the choice--which she has every hour of every day, between being an A and being an RA, she chooses being an A.


I am angry at the vodka for turning our marriage into a textbook train wreck of lies, poor decision making, painful mistakes, and emotional if not physical infidelity, which was the final straw.

I had some vodka a few weeks ago: it didn't ruin a marriage, cause me to make poor decisions or painful mistakes, or to cheat on my BF.

It's not the vodka--it's the drinker.


... she really is going to be on her own now, and by the way... and she is going to be shocked. I think.

It's been in writing for over a year now. If she's shocked, she did it to herself by choosing denial.


I seem to have an endless supply of love, compassion, and forgiveness for this woman...and I just can't stop caring about her.

You may also have an endless supply of codependence dysfunction too. And although I've dropped the rope with my son, I know I have not stopped caring about him.


She is like a child in many ways, and I feel like I'm jumping from a burning building and leaving the child to fend for herself.

But she's not a child. And you treating her like one is horrible for her. My X treated his mother like a child (she wasn't an alcoholic at all, just feared having responsibility for her own life). He crippled her with his kindness.


I am simply dreading this conversation.

Then don't have a conversation. Just inform her that the finalization papers have been filed. Or have your lawyer do it. You have moved out; you really don't owe her a conversation about it. Haven't you been having conversations about it for a year now?


I have a "handout", 18 pt font, of how this will affect her, including getting her own health insurance, cell phone, gym membership, and most of all, having to sell the house where she has been fantasizing that I will someday return.

Why would you do this? Let go already. She'll figure it all out when the cell phone gets cut off and they turn her away at the gym door and the insurance company sends her the cobra paperwork. She knows all she has to do. She'll either do it or not, probably not, and your list won't change a thing, it just infantalizes her and enmeshes you. Divorce means not doing this.


I have no idea where she will go or what she will do.

They always figure it out. She will be fine. Not happy, but fine (and since she's not happy now, shrug--and even if she is happy now, shrug. This is divorce).


She has a ton of cash, even if she doesn't read her mail and is unable to write a check because of her shaking hands.

Rich drunks have NO trouble finding enablers who are more than willing to write those checks for her. She WILL work it out. I promise.
I don't blame you for mourning a long term marriage and all the lost dreams and hopes. I know it seems impossible to believe now, but you are going to be better off and happier. If she doesn't choose to recover, she will get worse--but that would have happened whether you stayed or left. Leaving there's a chance she'll be shocked into recovery--but don't count on it. But if you work on YOUR recovery, you absolutely will be happier. The world is not served by having two miserable people when you can reduce the misery in the world by one person, the one person you can control--yourself.

I wish you the best.
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Old 11-14-2012, 06:12 AM
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With this final move you are granting yourself the gift of peace and happiness. You have done all that you can, she will do what she is going to do whether you are with her or not.

Sending support your way...
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Old 11-14-2012, 06:17 AM
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I know it is a tough thing to go through. I am going through a divorce with my STBXAW as we speak. It was very hard for me to tell her I wanted a divorce, even though we have been talking about it for over 6 months. We have been together for 18 years, married for 11. I know how hard it is. On one hand I look at the woman & I can't help but care for her, I don't want to hurt her in anyway. It seems like I have steered much pain away from her & took the pain to spare her. It was what I thought was right at the time with what was given to me. In hindsight I believe I was wrong. I need to let her experience the consequences. Not just the little ones like leaving her where she passes out or cleaning up he spilled drinks, she needs to experience that she has CHOSEN to drink over working on our relationship & is going to lose it all, her dream house, her marriage etc. I need to get out of her way. It is the only way I can help her. So if I look at it like it is the only thing I can do to help her, it makes it a little easier to deal with.

I too am angry a the vodka. It has taken everything that I love away from me & given me nothing in return. I look at her & see the physical being that was once my wife but experience all the actions of a lying, cheating, scheming alcoholic. I don't know this person. I don't like this person. Unfortunately I still love my wife. I still care for her more than anyone else. I am so concerned for her well being & hate to see her spiraling down farther & farther. I feel a blade being pushed in me every time she takes another step down. The only thing I can do is detach & care for her & love her from a distance.

She is in the hands of her higher power. Let go & let her HP take care of her. Let your HP take care of YOU! It sounds like you have taken all the steps with great care & allowing them their necessary time. Take comfort in knowing you DID ALL YOU COULD. You cannot save her, you know this. You will get through this, you have taken so many scary steps & have made it through. This is just one more step, one that you knew was coming. You are strong, you can do this. Time to get out of the way.
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Old 11-14-2012, 06:31 AM
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Sorry for how painful this is - I am so glad you have chosen to have a good life. I hope for that decision myself.

Hugs.....
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Old 11-14-2012, 07:03 AM
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There"s a lot of wisdom on this site. I know how difficult it is and how hard it is to accept. I"m trying to get to the d phrase after 36 years. There comes a point in time when we know we deserve better and that the crumbs are not enough. I'm so glad that I am reminded that I cannot fix it. For me it will be easier to not have to watch this anymore. Think of the peace ( and yes for awhile loneliness) ...I 'm looking forward to the peace.
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Old 11-14-2012, 07:05 AM
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God bless you, and your wife. It is so hard to let go.

A friend of mine who treats substance abusers gave me an analogy to think about when deciding whether to help my AD. Imagine that someone dear to you is about to jump off a bridge. She ties a rope around her waist and gives you the other end. You say, "I can't keep you from falling. Don't do this." She says, "OK" and jumps over the side of the bridge. You quickly realize the weight is too much and say to her, "You have to climb back up. I can't pull you up if you don't help." She says it is too hard and does nothing. You keep telling her to help herself as the rope starts to slip from your hands. Still she makes only halfhearted efforts or none at all. You realize that if you don't let go of the rope, you will fall over the bridge with her. You didn't choose this scenario; she did. You want to help but she won't help herself. It's no longer an issue of whether you will help; you just can't do it. There are three possible ends to the story: Either she helps herself and climbs back up, the rope slips out of your hands, or you just let go.

This has helped me accept that I am not in control of my daughter's disease. Whenever I think about her wandering around city streets drunk or looking for drugs, I think of this story. Hope it helps you.
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Old 11-14-2012, 07:45 AM
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Your post brought me to tears, you obviously care for your AW very much. I'm sorry things have worked out this way. ((((HUGS))))
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Old 11-14-2012, 08:02 AM
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My heart goes out to you, you will be in my prayers. I completely know how you feel, there comes a point and you can tolerate no more and I am there as well. However, my situation is a little different. I am biding my time saving money so I can get out. I divorced my ex last year, he drank up all the little money I had in savings, because I JUST KNEW HE WOULD DRINK A LITTLE. That little turned into everything I had. I put my furniture in storage and moved in with my son. Loving him and being stuid I suppose, he convienced me he was through with drinking just "please" come home, so I did. Well guess what???? I am right back in the same situation. I have my plan to save my extra money that will be coming in, and in January I will get my own place. It is heart breaking when you can have a good marriage and the spouse/mate won't give up their booze. And I believe with all my heart, if a person SETS THEIR MIND to it, they could do it. I know it won't be easy, but it is all in what you want out of life. I am older than my ex and like you, for what ever reason I feel responsible for him, but now my feelings are turning to anger and disgust. Get your divorce, get out, have a happy life for once, you have done all you can do. I wish you the best of luck.
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Old 11-14-2012, 08:06 AM
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What a hard decision and situation. You seem like a very caring and compassionate person. In the end you have got to do what you have got to do. It seems you have tried everything....maybe this will wake her up and help her to save herself. Best of luck!
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Old 11-14-2012, 08:09 AM
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I know how painful this must be for you.
YOU must take care of YOU now...There is nothing you can do to help her.
Best wishes~
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Old 11-14-2012, 08:32 AM
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I know this was a difficult decision to make. As difficult as this is, I want to tell you that I believe you are making the best decision given the circumstances. I also believe you are going to be okay.

It helped me to realize that some people can stay in my heart, just not in my life.

(((djayr)))
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Old 11-14-2012, 11:31 AM
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I wish you lots of luck in dealing with the situation, please report back and let us know how it goes. Letting go is painful.
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Old 11-14-2012, 11:40 AM
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djayr, I understand where you are coming from seeing I've been where you are standing. I divorced my x over a year ago and a half, we had been married for 39 yrs and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. 6 months after the divorce he was already in end stage alcoholism but he stopped drinking and I truly believe if we were still together he would still be drinking. I think he got to his bottom and realized he was the only one who was going to take care of him. Take care of yourself and know there is life after divorce.
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Old 11-14-2012, 01:06 PM
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Two things:

1) I'm so sorry.

2) Congratulations.
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