djayr

Within the next 48 hours I am going to meet with AW to tell her that I am going to convert from legal separation to final divorce. There is nothing she can do about it, it has been 12 drunk months, and now I can convert to a divorce without her consent.

This is the end of an 18 year marriage. I am so sad. I know she doesn't want to be an A. She can be so sweet and I know she is a caring person. I am angry at the vodka for turning our marriage into a textbook train wreck of lies, poor decision making, painful mistakes, and emotional if not physical infidelity, which was the final straw.

Me being a huge people pleasing Codie, I have been gently and slowly pulling away from her and trying to avoid conflict. I hate telling people things they don't want to hear. In this case, I am telling AW that she is going to be divorced, she really is going to be on her own now, and by the way...you are going to have to move because per our settlement agreement, upon divorce, the house will have to be sold.

She is living in our dream house we bought in 2010 before she fell off the wagon (2 years sober at the time), I live in a small apartment and continue to pay 1/2 of the mortgage, utilities, taxes, insurance etc. I was willing to go with this plan to see if she might get sober, it just hasn't happened. So I'm ready to pull the plug, and she is going to be shocked. I think.

I seem to have an endless supply of love, compassion, and forgiveness for this woman. My friends and family are like, get on with it already! But this is SO HARD for me. We have our memories, many good ones mixed with the bad. We have never lost our sense of humor which has been preserved through all the trials somehow, and I just can't stop caring about her.

She is like a child in many ways, and I feel like I'm jumping from a burning building and leaving the child to fend for herself.

Why is memory so selective? Have I forgotten the pain and drama? Why does my divorce seem so excruciating and difficult? Nothing about this feels good, but I do truly feel I have tried everything and she just. Won't. Stop. Drinking!

This is the ultimate turning over to my higher power. She is going to be in God's hands and I know in the end, she has to work it out with Him and so do I. Each person is responsible for their own life.

I am simply dreading this conversation. I have a "handout", 18 pt font, of how this will affect her, including getting her own health insurance, cell phone, gym membership, and most of all, having to sell the house where she has been fantasizing that I will someday return. Plus she is very comfortable there, she is a real nester and I have no idea where she will go or what she will do.

The silver lining for her is, she is a wealthy woman, I had to give her all of our money and a hefty 6 year maintenance plan because of the value of my family business. She has a ton of cash, even if she doesn't read her mail and is unable to write a check because of her shaking hands.

This is all so sad and pathetic. I know I am prolonging the pain by remaining so close to the whole situation, but I don't know any other way to do it. I do still care. So I am going plow forward, Lord have mercy, and we'll just see how it all goes down.

Thanks for listening.