God bless you, and your wife. It is so hard to let go.
A friend of mine who treats substance abusers gave me an analogy to think about when deciding whether to help my AD. Imagine that someone dear to you is about to jump off a bridge. She ties a rope around her waist and gives you the other end. You say, "I can't keep you from falling. Don't do this." She says, "OK" and jumps over the side of the bridge. You quickly realize the weight is too much and say to her, "You have to climb back up. I can't pull you up if you don't help." She says it is too hard and does nothing. You keep telling her to help herself as the rope starts to slip from your hands. Still she makes only halfhearted efforts or none at all. You realize that if you don't let go of the rope, you will fall over the bridge with her. You didn't choose this scenario; she did. You want to help but she won't help herself. It's no longer an issue of whether you will help; you just can't do it. There are three possible ends to the story: Either she helps herself and climbs back up, the rope slips out of your hands, or you just let go.
This has helped me accept that I am not in control of my daughter's disease. Whenever I think about her wandering around city streets drunk or looking for drugs, I think of this story. Hope it helps you.