Originally Posted by djayr

I know she doesn't want to be an A.

She also doesn't want badly enough to be a RA. Given the choice--which she has every hour of every day, between being an A and being an RA, she chooses being an A.


I am angry at the vodka for turning our marriage into a textbook train wreck of lies, poor decision making, painful mistakes, and emotional if not physical infidelity, which was the final straw.

I had some vodka a few weeks ago: it didn't ruin a marriage, cause me to make poor decisions or painful mistakes, or to cheat on my BF.

It's not the vodka--it's the drinker.

... she really is going to be on her own now, and by the way... and she is going to be shocked. I think.

It's been in writing for over a year now. If she's shocked, she did it to herself by choosing denial.

I seem to have an endless supply of love, compassion, and forgiveness for this woman...and I just can't stop caring about her.

You may also have an endless supply of codependence dysfunction too. And although I've dropped the rope with my son, I know I have not stopped caring about him.

She is like a child in many ways, and I feel like I'm jumping from a burning building and leaving the child to fend for herself.

But she's not a child. And you treating her like one is horrible for her. My X treated his mother like a child (she wasn't an alcoholic at all, just feared having responsibility for her own life). He crippled her with his kindness.

I am simply dreading this conversation.

Then don't have a conversation. Just inform her that the finalization papers have been filed. Or have your lawyer do it. You have moved out; you really don't owe her a conversation about it. Haven't you been having conversations about it for a year now?

I have a "handout", 18 pt font, of how this will affect her, including getting her own health insurance, cell phone, gym membership, and most of all, having to sell the house where she has been fantasizing that I will someday return.

Why would you do this? Let go already. She'll figure it all out when the cell phone gets cut off and they turn her away at the gym door and the insurance company sends her the cobra paperwork. She knows all she has to do. She'll either do it or not, probably not, and your list won't change a thing, it just infantalizes her and enmeshes you. Divorce means not doing this.

I have no idea where she will go or what she will do.

They always figure it out. She will be fine. Not happy, but fine (and since she's not happy now, shrug--and even if she is happy now, shrug. This is divorce).

She has a ton of cash, even if she doesn't read her mail and is unable to write a check because of her shaking hands.

Rich drunks have NO trouble finding enablers who are more than willing to write those checks for her. She WILL work it out. I promise.