KKE

Yeah, I know I'd be over joyed if he knocked on the door now.

Did you find that when you wanted to talk about things it was like you were suggesting he throw acid in his face?

amy55

Funny way of putting it, but yes !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can't talk things over, you can't try to make things better, they run, and they run fast, especially now that they have cars !!!!!!!!!!! It did feel like I was throwing acid in his face.

But can also relate to how good I felt when he would actually talk to me, be nice to me.

KKE, it is your life, and you can do what you want, which I am sure you will do that anyways. I'm trying to show you how my life went. Not saying yours will go the same way, but just giving you things to think about.

The strangest thing I went through was all the people that he was so nice to, and thought I was crazy, till a few people said to me, I believe you, because no one can make stuff like this up.

KKE

I know you are and I really appreciate it. I appreciate everything people have shared with me, it helps me to hear that I'm not the only one who's had all this....

The last two weekends he's said we can talk. The first weekend he claimed he was too anxious, and the second he went mental at me. It's like he can't face me. We did meet briefly last week but he couldn't even look at me and as soon as the conversation moved towards what had happened he couldn't cope.

amy55

I understand all of this. One time my ex left and believe it or not, I finally got him on the phone. He said he wanted to work things out, but couldn't listen to me for more than 5 minutes at a time for less. So he kept hanging up, then would calm down, and call back, then call again. Went on and on for over 3 hours. He finally came home. He couldn't look at me.

He ran again !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In a way, I think I suspected mental illness for years. I saw the way that his face would change, I saw the way his body stance would change. He became very arrogant, haughty. I knew I couldn't do anything when he got like that.

Please take what you can and leave the rest, it's my experience

amy55

Entry from my journal dated 3/25/05. I left 12/31/2008


I met with my therapist today. She had asked me if I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time. I told her my nerves had not stopped shaking at all since at least April 2004. That I had tried paxil, but that it didn't work for me. It seemed to give me hope, which then bought out my hypervigilence more. I do in fact feel depressed, but I also feel hypervigilent. I would welcome the calming feeling of depression.

I feel fatigued, unmotivated, and empty all of the time, but I am not able to sleep without otc sleeping pills, even with these 1/2 the time I still can't sleep. My mind just races all the time. I strive for total depression. At least when I am like that I may be able to sleep. Which is worse? Feeling "on guard" all the time, when is he coming home? is he coming home? what did I do this time? what can I do to make things better? or just depressed? Maybe I want to feel "sedated"

I always thought depression was about the worst it could get, but is depression actually a step up for me?





When I went through the waiting and the hoping, it was just miserable. I did actually think that depression was the best, because that meant I gave up all hope, and now I can finally think about me and what I want.

Do you want your journal to look like this?

btw, I have a wood stove, will start burning this journal, and my other 5 this winter.

amy55

Actually, now that it is 7 years later, I can see that it wasn't really depression, it was detachment. But, got sucked back in for another 5 years.

KKE

I can so relate to everything you've written there. My mind has and is continually racing with those questions: where is he? I wish he would come home? If I didn't argue back it would be fine. I too just want to sleep and feel numb and sedated, depressed, it just seems easier than the edgy messed up feeling.

No I don't want my life to be like that but I had resigned myself to it and come up with coping strategies. For a while it was consistent, the cycle that is. And yeah, I was willing to make that sacrifice so long as I had him there in my life. Like I said earlier, I am just struggling this time because its seems so much bigger, as in he has made a bigger statement by packing and moving in with his mum so I am not "safe in the knowledge" like before that he was coming home. And yes, I know I shouldn't want him home but yeah....

amy55

KKE, you are still young, and have a lot to live for. If you want, I will continue to tell you my story. I just don't want you to end up like me.

They make bigger and bigger statements, they want everything on their terms. I still wanted him back, maybe it was just for the validation, I don't know.

I remember a time a read a Dr Phil book (please don't) it was about how if you changed yourself, then the other person will change with you.

So, I tried it. Told the ex that I will not get upset, angry or whatever. He then proceeded to order me around like a slave for 45 minutes, I finally lost it, he knew that I would eventually.

What came out of that day? Another rant or rage of his that I could only be nice to him for 45 minutes. This was in addition to the rage that he had when he came home drunk and went at me the whole night because I washed the kitchen floor, I loved the floor more than I loved him.

Go figure !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you understand now that it is not you, they will start a fight about anything.

I know that you are not ready to throw up your arms and say enough !!!!!!! That's ok.

Look how long it took me.

But I am here for you.

MTBChick

KKE I just want to give you a hug and tell you that, yes right now sucks and it feels like life is never going to get better.... But, as cliche as it sounds (I know when I was in the thick of it with my A from 2001 to 2006 when the relationship ended plus another year 1/2 after where I couldn't move on even though he did the last thing I wanted to hear from anyone) was that it will get better and you can have the life you have dreamed of (might not be with the guy you thought it would) but its that you can have it. Like I said it took me an additional 1 1/2 after that relationship ended for me to stop trying to figure out the whys, to stop trying to analysis everything he did or didn't do while we were together. He was also a runner running from any type of conversation about anything that was not all happy roses and sunshine. However I finally reached that place where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired & wanted a happy life for myself. What that translated to was that I finally became ready & willing to look at myself. Prior to that I was scared and afraid to turn my attention towards myself. Who knows what I might find. Im so glad that I got to that place. My world and life started to get brighter and the life I had dreamed for myself slowly started to materialize before my eyes. The more distance I got and the more I did for myself I started to feel happier, calmer, & well I'm rambling.

KKE I guess I just hope that you hit your bottom soon & get to the point where you are sick & tired of being sick & tired... Why bc you are worth it, your dreams are worth it, & the life you want & dream of is worth it. It's waiting for you to decide its worth it & go about living it. Always know when you feel down and alone we are all here and we believe in you.

~MTB

KKE

Yeah, I can speak to my A about anything apart from him and our relationship. As soon as I hit on those topics his whole body language changes and I get cut off really quickly. Get told to keep things "light" and that after work he just wants to "relax".

Thank you for all the kind and honest posts.

KKE

I met up with a mutual friend yesterday who met him a couple of weekends ago. Apparently he told our friend that i "ruined" his life; i bring him down and i treat him like a child.... Really quite upset.... I also spoke to his Mum yesterday too who was really upset about the whole thing and said that he had said very little to her apart from he couldnt see it working out and his head was a mess. She was unaware that he had walked out with no discussion.

I had agreed with him over the weekend that we would talk this week. I had tried to call and text him over the last 2 days - nothing. So last night i was pretty upset and text "Am i worth so little that you cant even text me to acknowledge the fact that i have been calling and texting you for the last 2 days?" He text back straight away saying "Im working cant talk" (he works nights). I just said could he call me before work so we could organise trying to meet up and talk at some point. I said i didnt want to lecture or argue, just talk. I know people will probably think i shouldnt even try and tgalk to him about stuff but i just feel so messed up about it all and want some answers....

Titanic

Your text "Am I worth so little that you can't even text to acknowledge ... " shows that you are continuing to lecture and argue. Think about it. You are using a rhetorical question (a technique of argument) to make him feel, convince him that he should feel guilty (shaming him) for not contacting you - that he did something wrong (lecturing) by slighting you. Also, the "you can't even text" bit is trying to demonstrate (argue) that he had a better choice in how to handle the situation, and that he should have made that choice and that the choice he did make was poor (lecturing). Repeatedly trying to get him to call or text you back shows you are trying to control him. So, he has every reason to disbelieve that you won't lecture or argue or nag or shame him or try to control him. Yes, he has every right to feel that you treat him like a child because you do (as he is acting like one).

While you are right, you are also proving his point. Also, would you rather be right or happy? That text of yours is very telling about how much the disease has affected you, how it can make those of us around alcoholics "insane" in the Step Two sense.

Would you treat a business colleague, sales prospect or other adult like this? If you answer no, then don't do it to him either. If you say yes - when they act that way - then you have a lot of self-work to do.

Bring the focus back on YOU and what you can do better. Learn to set boundaries. Go to Al-Anon. Do some Step Study on the F&F forum of ours here on SR. Read Melodie Beattie's book "Codependent No More" and get/do her companion workbook.

This is a loving wake-up call from one of the many of us who have been down your same road. Peace.

KKE

I know what you're saying, I'm just so upset. Had a few glasses of wine when I text that (first alcoholic drink I've had since all this happened). I know you're right, it's just how I felt. Felt like cr*p.....like I meant nothing.....just felt so worthless, like I wasn't worth his time. I had sent really nice civilised texts before and if I'm honest I was just so angry I hadn't been acknowledged. The minute I send a sterner lecture type text I got a response. But yes, I know you are right titanic.....I'm just struggling and none of it seems fair.

dollydo

Self esteem is an inside job, it does not flourish based on outside sources. IMO you will never find peace and happiness until you get to the real root of your problem, he is not it, it is all about you, your self worth, your neediness. Please consider getting some help so that you can find true happiness....from where it all begins...within.

KKE

Probably hard to imagine but I never used to be like this.... I used to be fun, outgoing, ambitious. I've got a good job, nice car, my own house the lot. I feel like the last few years have just turned me into an emotional wreck. The ups and downs, one minute he wants me the next he doesn't, one minute he's there then he isn't. It's weird because I think, surely I should be saying "I'm not having anyone treat me like that" but instead I still seek validation from him and feeling like I need his affection.

dollydo

"Probably hard to imagine but I never used to be like this."

Nothing in life remains constant, it either gets better or worse, might be time to take some action...to improve your self esteem.

KKE

When he left last year I did start counselling. My sessions had recently moved further and further apart. Since this all kicked off I have started going weekly again and for the last two weeks alanon. I still just keep coming back to this point where I feel I want to talk to him and just generally feel messed up.

Titanic

It isn't fair. There's not much that's "fair" about being in a relationship with an active alcoholic or addict (or one in early recovery or a "dry drunk"). There are two things the As place ahead of you: Self; and the addictive substance, person or activity. And there's a big thing missing: emotional maturity or sobriety. The As' emotions have been artificially concealed, numbed, stimulated and stunted for years. They fight, freeze or flee in the face of interpersonal conflict. They don't work things out and, in some cases, don't even let the other person know what feelings they're storing up (against the other or not). Hence, the "relationship" is not normal.

Good job in getting back to counseling and Al-Anon!

Tuffgirl

This above ^^^ is a great place to start from today...its just a feeling. You don't need to act on that feeling. Especially when I think you know full well by now how it will turn out.

Titanic is right - would you rather be peaceful or right? And if being right is your priority, at what price will you pay to be right? And will anyone else but you care if you are right or not?

Letting go of the need to be right was one of the biggest recovery successes I've had so far. It helped to accept I know my own truth, I don't need anyone's validation of what I already know to be right.

Arguing reality with an alcoholic is futile and crazy-making. He has to hold onto his version to continue his addiction. No matter what you or anyone else says. Best to just quit talking and start doing.

KKE

Despite knowing I'm not going to get any empathy from him I always think if I play it like this or say it like that I might get through. Stupid. He's told me today he will be coming round Saturday to get some post and talk to me. I want to get it all out there and talk but going by history and what everyone is saying here it might be worth considering just going out. I don't want to cry and plead in front of him, it's degrading and it must make him feel quite empowered. But yeah, I also want to hear what he has to say and say what I have to say. Just don't need another weekend of potential stress. Don't know....