Katiekate

KKE, how you doing today???

KKE

Hi there, the whole NC thing is proving difficult. Got myself into a mess last night and got it in my head he must have met someone else which is why he left. I called and asked him, he said no. Then he text and said "I'm not with anyone else, I promise. I'm at work so talk tomorrow".

I know I sound like an obsessive freak. I'm just finding it hard to accept that 4 weeks ago I came home to an empty house, no explanation. I left it 2 weeks before I made contact, since then all I've wanted is an opportunity to sit and talk. I am finding it hard to just let it go because this isn't the first time it's happened and he's always come back. I just want to know if its same old or if its different this time. I know it's probably all futile but it's just how I feel. Again, trying to talk sensible with an alcoholic....not easy.

amy55

Hi KKE,

I think I do know how you feel. When I was going through this, I felt like a "throw-away" person. Worst feeling in the world. You see, in addition to alcoholism, I did strongly suspect that my ex had undiagnosed clinical depression (much different than situational depression) or even perhaps bi-polar. That would be a dual diagnosis. Very much different from one another (alcoholism) but very much associated with each other.

Trying to get my ex to talk to me or to understand anything at all that I was saying was like trying to catch a laser light. You run after it, finally think you have your hands on it, and there is nothing there. It was exasperating to say the least.

Please stop trying to wonder about what he might be thinking, where he might be going, and concentrate on you. You can be assured that at this time, he is not thinking about you, and I want you to know that I am not being cruel by saying that.

The hardest thing is when they initiate the "no contact". We can use the NC to protect ourselves, but they use it to "runaway" from things.

I found that what worked best for me was not the NC, because that meant that I was still spending each and every moment thinking about him, but just to move on with my life. Start having friends over, going to movies, going out for walks, do the things that you like to do.

(((((hugs))))) take care of yourself

KKE

Well he did speak to me today. Wasn't expecting to hear from him. Agreed to meet me, came out to the car, wouldn't answer any questions, lasted two minutes then he said "I can't do this now, seeing you upset is making me anxious, I will see you tomorrow, I promise". I told him all this is making me ill and him giving me two minutes of his time and not giving me straight answers was making it worse. Then he got out of the car and drove off to go to work. I followed him to his car and said "I don't want to meet or talk tomorrow, please tell me now, are you coming home or is this really it? That's all I need to hear from you" I asked about three times, all i got was "I will see you tomorrow and we can talk about it then. Don't worry I am definitely going to be there this time." Pathetic hey?

I really thought i would get some answers when he said he'd speak to me, but yet again, fobbed off. Every time I make a small step in my thinking he throws me a crumb and I believe in it. I'm not going to instigate tomorrow as I am pretty sure he isn't going to turn up anyway.

freeatlast1313

love this, thank you

freeatlast1313

Amy,
This is where i am right now, the hypervigilence, insomnia, anxiety. Medication is barely effective. How long till I will feel like me again? I know it is a process but like working ou at the gym, hard to keep going if you see no results and dont know when to hope for them.
Thanks,
free

amy55

I had typed up a whole response to you about 20 minutes ago, then for some unknown reason,, computer went down (lol), hate when that happens.


When I posted that it was for the OP, I didn't know people would actually listen or even read my ramblings. I wanted her to know that I understood, and I do.

I wrote that in my journal in 2005. I had developed PTSD, anxiety disorder and panic attacks. Why? I did it to myself. I kept trying to think of the what ifs and what can I do, and whatever. Made myself nuts. As to when it will get better, I am getting better now, not completely there yet, still self-doubting, I think I will be better when I really and truly love myself and trust myself, and I think that we can all do this together.

special ((((((hugs))))) for you tonight

we will get through it and we will survive

KKE

It feels like its contagious.... Like we caught their illness. For instance my A was recently told by his key worker he has anxiety, he uses it all the time and at time I believe plays up to the label. Guess what.... I have allowed myself to become so anxious this week I haven't been at work.

amy55

We do tend to "catch" their illness !!!!!!! I never had panic attacks or anxiety until after I was married for 11 years, and I had a very stressful job. I interviewed people with mental illnesses all the time, and that didn't do it to me. (lol)

What did it to be was trying to fix something, that I had no control over

Titanic

KKE. We feel your pain. We do the questioning and wondering.

.
You answered your own question before you asked it ... It is different. He is different. He is not even able to tell you ... He is anxious as heck. Give time time. Stay NC in the meantime.

Think of yourself as Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz after the devastating twister. Much later in the movie, behind the curtain, more will be revealed. In the meantime, try to get to know yourself and the others on this yellow brick road. That's what the movie is mostly about.

Maybe, what will be revealed is not what you expected or is not all that it's cracked up to be.

Titanic

SparkleKitty: Your stuff is so brilliant and eloquent! Love the Band of Brothers series idea.

Tuffgirl: This here is one I won't soon forget ... LOL ... "Here's my warped philosophy about folks like this guy...the only way they are messing with me for any length of time is if there is something BIG in it for me. Like 8, maybe 9 figures. Sounds callous & shallow, I know, but I can't think of any other reason why I'd let someone mind-f**k me for long." Yeah, let's not be two bit, small pound "pros." LOL

Titanic

KKE: Open an account in your name only. Take your money out of the old account and deposit it in the new one. Cut up your card and all the rest having to do with the old account. He can still use the old account as he sees fit. Whether he stays gone (or not), that's for the best ... for your protection.

P.S. Make sure you are not on any credit line or overdraft protection line on the old account (so advise the branch manager in writing, and keep a copy). This way, you don't have to wait for your x to do squat.

KKE

So he turned up today. It was really confusing.... He drove me to town (took about an hour) and back (he had to drop a document off there). He refused to engage in ANY conversation about us or the situation. Kept saying "can we talk about something else". And then when I did try to approach the subject told me I was making him anxious and he was feeling the most anxious he'd been for a while, because of me. He would not talk about ANYTHING. All he wanted to do was talk about trivial **** "how's x? How's y?". On the way home I said "look **** if you don't want to talk about stuff that matters ok but if you want me to be fun can we do something fun rather than you put me in your van and expect me to say nothing when I was hoping to talk". He didn't respond. That was another tactic he used if he Didn't want to engage. He only said early on "I can't come back if you're going to cause me this much anxiety, you've only been in the van ten minutes and I'm the most anxious I've been". He said he would see me soon, wasn't sure about the weekend but he'd see me next week before work. He reckons he's not drinking and alcohol nurse has discharged him now because he's doing ok.

fedup3

KKE, please read what you just wrote. He uses the line anxiety just to shut you up! If anyone sounds like they are having an anxiety attack it is you and not him. I have had plenty of them. Do you want to keep living at the whim of this person, really? Get a piece of paper and make two columns one for all the wonderful selfless things he has done for you and the other for all the selfish things he has done to you, this will give you a good picture of your life with him.

SparkleKitty

Do you imagine he will ever want to talk to you about your relationship? Or is he possibly just waiting for you to give up?

KKE

I don't think he will talk about anything in an emotional context. Although I thought I would get some straight answers. Didn't think he would be 100% opposed to everything I wanted to say because he must've known I wanted to talk about the situation. I even tried to talk about our house, cut off. It felt horrible, it was like I couldn't talk freely or say what I wanted. Forced to talk about stupid things like the news headline today and what my mum is up to and how the noisy neighbours have been.

amy55

Wow, I remember this well !!!!!!! I was only allowed to talk about the weather. My son once told me that the only thing he talked to his father about was the weather and his job.

I can understand your frustration. I went to a psychotherapist once with my ex. This guy told me that my ex had the emotional maturity of a 7 year old, told me that if my ex really worked hard enough on himself, he might be able to bring that up to a 12 yr old, then asked me if that was enough for me.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

KKE

I take it he didn't say that in front of your ex?!

amy55

KKE

From that conversation today, I think you already know that today is Wednesday, and he is talking about, maybe, just maybe he will see you sometime next week.

I know I got a lot of responses from my ex like that, and then I would drive myself crazy.

Please don't do that. Do something nice for yourself today. Go out, go out anywhere, go shopping, do something.

After you calm down a bit, then don't think about him and what he is doing or not doing, think about you, and what you want out of life. Is this it? Is this what you want? obviously not. So think about you. Make a plan for how you can change your life, not his life, you can't do anything about that, you can only change your life.

Put the cell phone down, and back away from it. You can do that. Better yet, shut it off.

He will not change, unless he wants to, and things seem to be going pretty good for him right now, he is shutting you out, he is not listening, he is in his own little world, he doesn't want to hear your voice. I used to feel like my ex put duct tape on my mouth.
this isn't life, this isn't a way to live.

It's really hard, but do something for yourself today, then do a little more for yourself tomorrow. Cut down each day on the amount of room that you allow him to take up space in your head. Put a limit on it.

I know how hard it is, when you think, "well, maybe if we could just sit down and talk about things" it's not gonna happen. You need 2 people to make a relationship, and you are the only one there. Just know that it is not you, and be kind to yourself today

amy55

Yes, he did. That was the last time that my ex went to see that guy, but yet, I continued to see him.


Edited to add: I was never afraid to speak to a therapist, because that was the only time that I was allowed to speak, so I always did tell them everything that was on my mind. It was like "wow!!!!", I'm allowed to talk. (lol)