Partner walked out .... Again.... Three days into recovery
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Originally Posted by KKE 
You know one thing I don't get? Why do I always get his anger and resentment? No one else, just me.
I concur the Stickies are hugely helpful. That was where I found this article after all: Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International
But to understand the WHY of it means trying to get inside the head of a crazy person. And if that crazy person can't be bothered, then why should YOU do it for him..?
You're not in a position to start working on "your issues" at the moment, especially not if one of them is blaming yourself and/or letting others wrongfully blame you. You're still in the midst of being emotionally abused and stolen from. For now, please know you aren't doing anything wrong to deserve it, OK? Stay focused!
Reckon priority #1 is to get yourself untangled from this monetary mess first. Even if you and your A do patch things up, then sadly, you'll still always need an escape plan... Distance (and perhaps your own personal bank account) really will help with that, so I applaud your efforts at no contact. Believe me, I know it's effing hard to do!
Anyway, I will be thinking of you, and always wishing the best. I've been in, and sometimes am still in, your shoes... And not just for one short mile either!
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
I don't mean this to sound harsh and mean, but what you write reads to me to be a tad bit suffocating for him, don't you think?! He's a grown man, after all.
Seems to me that checking the accounts was a perfectly valid way of gathering evidence that the dang fool had been lying to me. And of course he was!
Plus, to me, nothing KKE wrote suggested she was being suffocating at all, just worried and hurt and confused... Tuffgirl, could you please elaborate on what you meant by that? I've got a few good guesses, but I'd rather be clear instead!
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I know it is prying but at times it's the only way I can figure out what's happening for sure, as in with some evidence rather than me just wondering what's happening. Sometimes it's been the only way I've known he's alive and ok, not in hospital or trouble.
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Hey KKE!
Sorry for your pain. One thing that you can do for yourself is to stop thinking about him and trying to analize his behavior, words, etc. If you would take a step back and think is someone else going through what you are going through what would you think? You have to give yourself some time to distance yourself from everything. Go take a walk and enjoy something for just yourself. It should be about YOU....just YOU for a bit.Let go... you have other things to do.
Sorry for your pain. One thing that you can do for yourself is to stop thinking about him and trying to analize his behavior, words, etc. If you would take a step back and think is someone else going through what you are going through what would you think? You have to give yourself some time to distance yourself from everything. Go take a walk and enjoy something for just yourself. It should be about YOU....just YOU for a bit.Let go... you have other things to do.
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Hi KKE,
Just wanted to tell you that I know what you are going through. I was married to a "runner".
I tried to analyze this for years. It just doesn't make sense.
After years of analyzing, maybe I can help to answer a few of your questions so that you don't make yourself as crazy as I made myself.
Why is he always angry and upset with you? ----- He needs to be to justify his actions. He won't look at himself as being a problem, so then the problem has to be you. It's because of you, that he runs away from home. Silly as it sounds, but true.
I went to therapy with my ex, he told the therapist that he gets angry, if I get upset. Therapist told him that was manipulation, he ignored that.
So how did that work? Well he would go out after work, get drunk, would leave bar to come home, once outside, he knew that I would be upset, so he got mad, went back into the bar, and I have no idea of where he even slept, maybe his car. He did all this without even speaking to me.
Withdrawing money from the bank !!!!!!!! Well credit card bills came to the house, he didn't want me to know where he spent the money, bar?, hotel room? whatever, so he would withdraw money and pay cash.
It gets worse, and worse, and the time with the disappearing acts get longer and longer.
Time to give yourself a break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The roller coaster ride, only ended when I was the one that ran.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
Just wanted to tell you that I know what you are going through. I was married to a "runner".
I tried to analyze this for years. It just doesn't make sense.
After years of analyzing, maybe I can help to answer a few of your questions so that you don't make yourself as crazy as I made myself.
Why is he always angry and upset with you? ----- He needs to be to justify his actions. He won't look at himself as being a problem, so then the problem has to be you. It's because of you, that he runs away from home. Silly as it sounds, but true.
I went to therapy with my ex, he told the therapist that he gets angry, if I get upset. Therapist told him that was manipulation, he ignored that.
So how did that work? Well he would go out after work, get drunk, would leave bar to come home, once outside, he knew that I would be upset, so he got mad, went back into the bar, and I have no idea of where he even slept, maybe his car. He did all this without even speaking to me.
Withdrawing money from the bank !!!!!!!! Well credit card bills came to the house, he didn't want me to know where he spent the money, bar?, hotel room? whatever, so he would withdraw money and pay cash.
It gets worse, and worse, and the time with the disappearing acts get longer and longer.
Time to give yourself a break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The roller coaster ride, only ended when I was the one that ran.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
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Amy, did he ever run and tell you it was over and he wasn't coming back?
Mihgab, I know what you are saying..... It makes sense. I guess deep down I just want him to come home and I'm holding onto the fact that running away is just something he does and he always comes back. This time I'm just scared he won't.
Mihgab, I know what you are saying..... It makes sense. I guess deep down I just want him to come home and I'm holding onto the fact that running away is just something he does and he always comes back. This time I'm just scared he won't.
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[QUOTE=KKE;3658955]Amy, did he ever run and tell you it was over and he wasn't coming back?
Many times. He also filed for a divorce during that period of time. Then stopped the divorce. Please don't use this as hope that he will return, because even if he does return, he will keep running.
We are divorced now, because I ran. He filed the divorce, because how can you have a relationship, if I'm not there???????
So, again, my fault !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Many times. He also filed for a divorce during that period of time. Then stopped the divorce. Please don't use this as hope that he will return, because even if he does return, he will keep running.
We are divorced now, because I ran. He filed the divorce, because how can you have a relationship, if I'm not there???????
So, again, my fault !!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I had actually accepted that every 4-6 weeks he would go off on a bender and run away and I would see him 3-5 days later, I had even accepted the verbal, I'd also come to terms with the fact that every so often he would go out on a Saturday morning for an "hour" and I wouldn't see him for 5 hours. I'm just struggling with him moving into his mums and taking all his stuff etc. again, this happened last year too, it just seems a but more permanent. It also hurts because he knew that would be the one thing I would truly struggle with..... Everything else I was dealing with..... This has just got me.
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I had actually accepted that every 4-6 weeks he would go off on a bender and run away and I would see him 3-5 days later, I had even accepted the verbal, I'd also come to terms with the fact that every so often he would go out on a Saturday morning for an "hour" and I wouldn't see him for 5 hours. I'm just struggling with him moving into his mums and taking all his stuff etc. again, this happened last year too, it just seems a but more permanent. It also hurts because he knew that would be the one thing I would truly struggle with..... Everything else I was dealing with..... This has just got me.
He just "upped it". And once you accept this, he will "up it" again.
My marriage didn't start out with the running away thing. It started with weeks of the silent treatment. Once the children were grown and in college and they couldn't see what was going on, is when he started disappearing.
It's upsetting you now, imagine 5 years from now. You will become hypervigilant, have constant fight or flight mode. Will be walking around with the cell phone, like it was an appendage. Always wondering, always worrying, always walking on eggshells.
It is your life, I would just prefer your life not to be a reenactment of mine.
One story from my marriage. My ex disappeared for over a month. Would not answer my phone calls, would not call me, nothing, no communication. I was finally getting better, and he walks in. Couldn't understand why I wasn't "over it" yet, since we did not fight for over a month. I was supposed to jump into his arms when he showed up, and guess what, now I made him depressed again.
It's been almost 4 yrs since I left, and I still feel it everyday. I was married for 27 years.
Someday soon, I will be ok, and maybe even be able to trust again, but maybe not.
(((((((((more hugs))))))))))))
He just "upped it". And once you accept this, he will "up it" again.
My marriage didn't start out with the running away thing. It started with weeks of the silent treatment. Once the children were grown and in college and they couldn't see what was going on, is when he started disappearing.
It's upsetting you now, imagine 5 years from now. You will become hypervigilant, have constant fight or flight mode. Will be walking around with the cell phone, like it was an appendage. Always wondering, always worrying, always walking on eggshells.
It is your life, I would just prefer your life not to be a reenactment of mine.
One story from my marriage. My ex disappeared for over a month. Would not answer my phone calls, would not call me, nothing, no communication. I was finally getting better, and he walks in. Couldn't understand why I wasn't "over it" yet, since we did not fight for over a month. I was supposed to jump into his arms when he showed up, and guess what, now I made him depressed again.
It's been almost 4 yrs since I left, and I still feel it everyday. I was married for 27 years.
Someday soon, I will be ok, and maybe even be able to trust again, but maybe not.
(((((((((more hugs))))))))))))
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A month? Wow, that's pretty long to not talk to you etc then just come back? In your heart did you know he would come back after all that time or were you thinking "yep, this is over now". Did he claim part of the reason he did that kind of stuff was because he needed "space"?
When you say you feel it everyday, do you mean you miss him or the hurt is just always there? Sorry to ask so many questions, if you don't feel comfortable answering, then please don't feel you have to.
When you say you feel it everyday, do you mean you miss him or the hurt is just always there? Sorry to ask so many questions, if you don't feel comfortable answering, then please don't feel you have to.
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Sorry, just lost my response.
Will try again.
I no longer "miss him", guess I still miss the fantasy of what I thought I had. Realized that when I was missing him, what I was actually missing was validation. You see, I felt like I was a throw-away person. That's how I was treated.
Silent treatments would go on for that long, except for when the raging started. He either didn't speak to me, or he raged at me. For awhile there, I didn't care that he was raging, at least he was speaking.
He had all the "space", that he wanted. He took the living room, I took the den. He would go to the living room, "his cave", almost every moment that he was home, except to come out to get a beer or to go to the bathroom. He kept the lights off, that meant that I was not allowed in, had tv on, but no sound, and then would sleep there.
I was actually more lonely when he was home, then when he was "running". It meant I had one less room that I could be in, and even in my own room, I was not safe. I was afraid to sneeze in my own home, he would hear me, then come in to rage.
I will answer any and all questions that you have to the best of my ability.
Will try again.
I no longer "miss him", guess I still miss the fantasy of what I thought I had. Realized that when I was missing him, what I was actually missing was validation. You see, I felt like I was a throw-away person. That's how I was treated.
Silent treatments would go on for that long, except for when the raging started. He either didn't speak to me, or he raged at me. For awhile there, I didn't care that he was raging, at least he was speaking.
He had all the "space", that he wanted. He took the living room, I took the den. He would go to the living room, "his cave", almost every moment that he was home, except to come out to get a beer or to go to the bathroom. He kept the lights off, that meant that I was not allowed in, had tv on, but no sound, and then would sleep there.
I was actually more lonely when he was home, then when he was "running". It meant I had one less room that I could be in, and even in my own room, I was not safe. I was afraid to sneeze in my own home, he would hear me, then come in to rage.
I will answer any and all questions that you have to the best of my ability.
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I think I thought that after the detox it was going to be the beginning of a good life. Yeah I knew it would be hard but I just thought he was in the hands of professionals and we were going to get through it. Three days with no meds....he does another runner. His mum hasn't spoken to me since it happened either which I find quite hurtful seems as we used to talk regularly and she had a good idea of what I'd been going through. Wasn't expecting much perhaps "look he's ok, he's here".
I never could quite figure out what he was running from..... It's quite comforting to know that this behaviour isn't something that has only happened to me. As in similar things have happened to people I don't know. This means its all pretty text book alcoholic stuff. I have always been led to believe that he ran off because I "go on" or because I argue too much.
I never could quite figure out what he was running from..... It's quite comforting to know that this behaviour isn't something that has only happened to me. As in similar things have happened to people I don't know. This means its all pretty text book alcoholic stuff. I have always been led to believe that he ran off because I "go on" or because I argue too much.
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"Runners" have problems. They are not emotionally mature, they can not sit down and discuss anything, you need to agree with them, or if you don't, you are then the "enemy".
I kept a journal since 2003. What I want to share with you is part of 2007 - 2008
4/4/2007 - 4/20 he ran. Also went to the lawyer to see about a divorce
4/21/2007 came home. He was upset that I didn't want to have sex, so he told me that he found me sexually unattractive.
4/22/2007 told me that he only said that, because I didn't want to have sex
4/22/2007 - 5/24/2007 ran away again, he went back to the lawyer
5/24/2007 came back, said he wants to try again
5/24/2007 - 5/25/2007 ran away again
5/26/2007 came back, everything was ok, till I said that I felt stressed
5/26/2007 - 6/3/2007 ran away again
6/3/2007 - 6/6/2007 back home again, wants to work things out again.
6/6 - 6/13 out again
6/14 comes back home
6/15 out again
6/17 - 6/22 out again
6/30 - 7/2 out again
7/4 - 8/30 out again, threatens divorce again
I have many more of these, but I think you can see the picture.
I kept a journal since 2003. What I want to share with you is part of 2007 - 2008
4/4/2007 - 4/20 he ran. Also went to the lawyer to see about a divorce
4/21/2007 came home. He was upset that I didn't want to have sex, so he told me that he found me sexually unattractive.
4/22/2007 told me that he only said that, because I didn't want to have sex
4/22/2007 - 5/24/2007 ran away again, he went back to the lawyer
5/24/2007 came back, said he wants to try again
5/24/2007 - 5/25/2007 ran away again
5/26/2007 came back, everything was ok, till I said that I felt stressed
5/26/2007 - 6/3/2007 ran away again
6/3/2007 - 6/6/2007 back home again, wants to work things out again.
6/6 - 6/13 out again
6/14 comes back home
6/15 out again
6/17 - 6/22 out again
6/30 - 7/2 out again
7/4 - 8/30 out again, threatens divorce again
I have many more of these, but I think you can see the picture.
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You see, I didn't leave my ex because he was an alcoholic. I left him because the "running" and never being there is emotional abuse. He had problems way way deeper than drinking. They were there with the drinking, and they were there without the drinking. It is 2 separate issues.
I am an RA. I drank my way through his "running away", and I know I could never do to someone else, what he did to me.
I am an RA. I drank my way through his "running away", and I know I could never do to someone else, what he did to me.
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Thank you for sharing that with me...... It's not that different to what my A did/does. That was one thing he was consistent with, running away and turning his phone off, occasionally picking it up to scream at me. He never would let me talk about it after either, apparently I couldn't "let things go".
He also goes round telling people how controlling I am and how I don't let him "relax". This time he said "I've left you, and I'm not coming back". Those words keep going round my head. Did your Ex leave the keys when he left for longer periods?
He also goes round telling people how controlling I am and how I don't let him "relax". This time he said "I've left you, and I'm not coming back". Those words keep going round my head. Did your Ex leave the keys when he left for longer periods?
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" I'm just struggling with him moving into his mums and taking all his stuff etc. again, this happened last year too, it just seems a but more permanent. "
Permanent is what you need, this relationship is going nowhere. He will not stop running, this is his mo.
Permanent is what you need, this relationship is going nowhere. He will not stop running, this is his mo.
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You need to understand this. If it happened 5 minutes ago, it is in the past, and you are not allowed to rehash these things, because then it is your fault, that you just won't let things go. I was always told to just "get over it", I didn't just say that, I said that awhile ago (5 minutes ago), and why aren't you "over that" yet?
And yes, I was so controlling !!!!!!!!!! Told him to get the eff out many times, then when he wanted to leave, he would, while telling everyone what a controlling b!tch I am, and that I threw him out, in the meantime, he knew he was going to provoke me, so he would unlock all the windows. (lol), when I caught onto this, I would go and lock them, he broke the basement windows twice, crawling back in, then found out that the bathroom window on second floor would not lock, so he would come in the middle of the night, get the ladder and "he came in through the bathroom window".
Never left keys because we didn't have any. Had automatic garage door opener. So I would lock that door, well, he broke that lock also.
You are with him for 4 years. I was there for 27.
I wanted to kill him, but figured I already served my time in the marriage. He wasn't worth another 20 years of me being in jail.
They get worse, they get so bad that you find yourself laughing at their stupidity, or in my case, drinking almost every day till I could laugh.
And yes, I was so controlling !!!!!!!!!! Told him to get the eff out many times, then when he wanted to leave, he would, while telling everyone what a controlling b!tch I am, and that I threw him out, in the meantime, he knew he was going to provoke me, so he would unlock all the windows. (lol), when I caught onto this, I would go and lock them, he broke the basement windows twice, crawling back in, then found out that the bathroom window on second floor would not lock, so he would come in the middle of the night, get the ladder and "he came in through the bathroom window".
Never left keys because we didn't have any. Had automatic garage door opener. So I would lock that door, well, he broke that lock also.
You are with him for 4 years. I was there for 27.
I wanted to kill him, but figured I already served my time in the marriage. He wasn't worth another 20 years of me being in jail.
They get worse, they get so bad that you find yourself laughing at their stupidity, or in my case, drinking almost every day till I could laugh.
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Even though he left the keys, I would still suggest, change the locks, wouldn't put it past him to have made another set.
"Runners" are really bad news. They only want things to go the way that they want them to go, if you dare to open your mouth, they are out "running" again. Real control freaks, you will walk on eggshells the rest of your life.
And ...... they don't think they are!!!!! They are so insecure, immature, and have so many feelings of inadequacy, and they need someone to blame for this, and that is "YOU".
I am telling you a lot of things about my life, so that you can envision your own, years from now. It doesn't get any better.
Moving in with his mom, manipulation. He wants you to "shut up". The more you try to be "you", the more he wants you to be a "stepford wife". The more you try to "grow", the more he will put you down.
"Runners" are really bad news. They only want things to go the way that they want them to go, if you dare to open your mouth, they are out "running" again. Real control freaks, you will walk on eggshells the rest of your life.
And ...... they don't think they are!!!!! They are so insecure, immature, and have so many feelings of inadequacy, and they need someone to blame for this, and that is "YOU".
I am telling you a lot of things about my life, so that you can envision your own, years from now. It doesn't get any better.
Moving in with his mom, manipulation. He wants you to "shut up". The more you try to be "you", the more he wants you to be a "stepford wife". The more you try to "grow", the more he will put you down.
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No, he didn't leave the keys. He never does. Thought he would this time as it seems more "final" I guess, in the sense hes told everyone and moved out etc, perhaps he just forgot.
Manipulation? As in trying to teach a lesson for expressing views?
The control thing is interesting. He was going crazy at me on Saturday telling me how controlling I am and how s##tty I make him feel, how talking to me makes him want to drink etc
I never saw his running away in the way you describe. I just thought he was running from me because I'm unbearable......
Manipulation? As in trying to teach a lesson for expressing views?
The control thing is interesting. He was going crazy at me on Saturday telling me how controlling I am and how s##tty I make him feel, how talking to me makes him want to drink etc
I never saw his running away in the way you describe. I just thought he was running from me because I'm unbearable......
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no KKE, he is not running from you, he is running away from life. You can't do anything about that. He's going to keep running. If he stops then he has to face life.
All the things that he said about you, just take them all and flush them down the toilet, they mean nothing. They were said to make you hurt.
My ex used to actually smile when he realized that he hurt me and that I was hurting more than him.
Is this the way to live though?
I used to be soooooo happy when he came back to me, but he never really did come back to me.
Manipulation ????????????? Meaning you need to accept his truths, his views, his opinions on everything as absolutely correct. Never argue, because that will make him feel inferior.
You are a good and kind person.
All the things that he said about you, just take them all and flush them down the toilet, they mean nothing. They were said to make you hurt.
My ex used to actually smile when he realized that he hurt me and that I was hurting more than him.
Is this the way to live though?
I used to be soooooo happy when he came back to me, but he never really did come back to me.
Manipulation ????????????? Meaning you need to accept his truths, his views, his opinions on everything as absolutely correct. Never argue, because that will make him feel inferior.
You are a good and kind person.
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