Titanic

He has about as much clue to the questions as you do. Don't try to figure him out. It's not possible right now - if ever with an A.

Go do something really simple for yourself today. Like a long hot bath or shower.

KKE

I don't know why I think he is so different from everyone else's alcoholic bf. Keep thinking that I am talking to a "normal" person and that there is truth behind the things he says. It's like I keep doubting myself, if that makes sense? It's almost like I can't believe that he can truly be that messed up, which is when I start taking on board his blame stuff. I have been sleeping on my sofa since he left, can't even bring myself to go to bed.

I tried to keep a 24hr silence, I managed 19! Ended up speaking to him twice. The first time he was pretty cold and irate. Told me to leave him alone and not to speak to him etc. the second time he was calmer and said he needed to sort himself out because he got so stressed yesterday, he said he didn't mean what he said. I asked him if he loves me (I seem to always need this validation from him) and he said "I will always love you, don't worry". I feel like I am crazy. Who takes all that abuse then the next day needs to hear the person tell you they love you so you can feel "better"? I just feel so unbelievably pathetic and I need to step out of this cycle.

Titanic

Would you try to make sense of what a schizophrenic housed behind the walls of an insane asylum were saying? Think of it like that. Picture the words "SICK" written on his forehead. You can't make sanity out of insanity!

Progress, not perfection!

KKE

Progression is so much better than regression I guess!

Thank you everyone, I only wish I had joined this forum a few years ago.....

KKE

Ok, so yesterday he to £70 and then £50 cash out, today he has taken £70...... I know it could be for anything but it seems a lot, especially with his extreme mood swings in the last couple of days...... What do you think? I know it's hard to speculate but I want to know if you think I am reading too much into it?

fourmaggie

i read some of your comments...

but i was so busy TAKING OUT THE "TRASH".....

KKE

I don't know how to take that

fourmaggie

these As in our lives...suck the life out of you....get you down on your knees to beg for your self worth again...

i am taking out the trash, where they belong

KKE

I still beg, I hate myself for doing it but I do. I begged him to come home last night, crying and all sorts. His mood swings are terrible at the moment but I am so stupid I think that I can appeal to his rational side. Just not happening. I am worried he is back on drink/and or drugs because of this money going out of his account.

Katiekate

He probably is active again, taking lots of money is a sure sign.

KKE, please, you need to take care of yourself, this guy is driving you nuts, you are in entrenched in co dependency, I know I was.

Please try to start thinking about how you can comfort yourself.

Are there meetings you can go to, do you have a therapist, maybe it's time to slowly turn your attention to yourself. He is going to do what he does, there is not one thing you can do to change anything he does. The only one you can save is you, and honey, you are soooo important.

I know all of this is so difficult, but you can slowly begin to build yourself back up. Talk about this with someone, a family member of friend that you trust, don't isolate yourself, the world is big, you just need to take one step out into it to begin to feel relief.

We are here, we care, hot shower, something to eat, call a friend or family member , tell them you need help and comfort. It's okay, this is the beginning, it's hard, it does get easier.

Sending you lots of love Katie

dandylion

Dear KKE, look at it this way: You have a disease just like he has a disease. Yours is called co-dependency, and, right now it has a strong control over you---just like the alcoholic has a strong compulsion to drink...even when it is clearly destroying him.

This "disease" is hurting you--causing you to humiliate yourself and dishonor your own self. It makes you like a beggar who is grateful for crumbs that are tossed your way. It is like he has become your drug and it causes you to desert your own self. That is how selfish this disease is!!!

You can recover from this by admitting how out of control you are and following a program of recovery--just like the alcoholic. There are m any on this board who have done it---who understand and will help.

Please consider attending alanon and stay close to this board. You can get your self--your peace of mind back and live a happy life.

You were not created to live in this misery.

very sincerely, dandylion

KKE

I just don't know how to think about myself anymore, I can't even sleep in my bed its awful. I went to a meeting last week, there is one today. I just ended up crying in front of a room full of strangers and felt stupid. They said do six meetings minimum before you judge so I will do that and go tonight.

All my mind thinks about is him and wanting to see and talk to him. It's obsessive and is making me think in such a depressive way. Anyway, I will go to the meeting tonight and see how that pans out.

Titanic

KKE, we all cried like that in Al-Anon - many times. No one thinks it's stupid. You're doing great in going to Al-Anon!!

KKE

Went to the meeting, still haven't been able to bring myself to say anything, just feel a big lump in my throat while I am there..... But yeah, I will commit to the six weeks at least.

I haven't phoned him today either so that's well over 24 hours now! I am saying to myself "leave it till at least Thursday then see how you feel". We drove past each other today and we gave each other a polite wave and acknowledging look, I felt awful after that. He must've been on his way to work. Amazes me how after what I am thinking was a heavy weekend, he is able to function as if there is nothing up with him.....

Katiekate

It's so good that you are not contacting him.

I had a hard time with no contact too, but as the days went by, i began to sleep better, feel more peace, feel grateful the chaos was gone from my life, but it was really hard, you are in a hard place right now, it will ease up over time.

Have compassion for yourself. I'm so glad you are posting.

Are you reading anything about alcoholism, I did, it was so helpful, the stickies at the top of the page gave me comfort too.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Please keep posting.

Big hug to you Katie

dollydo

"I still beg, I hate myself for doing it but I do. I begged him to come home last night, crying and all sorts."

This is sad, have you considered therapy? IMO, you have some deeper rooted problems, more than the garden variety codependency issue.

Tuffgirl

Just imagine the kind of person you'd be if you took all this time you are investing in HIM and focused it on YOU.

P.S., and I don't mean this to sound harsh and mean, but what you write reads to me to be a tad bit suffocating for him, don't you think?! He's a grown man, after all.

KKE

You know one thing I don't get? Why do I always get his anger and resentment? No one else, just me. He even blamed me on Saturday for "making" him buy a house with me. He thinks buying a house with me was the start of all his problems and he never wanted that but I forced him. This is partly why he says he drinks.....

It probably is suffocating but for so long now I've had to keep an eye on our accounts (joint), in fear that he's spent it. Been checking everyday for the last couple of years. Just what I do to know what's going on. It's not great but I guess it's just what I've done/do..... Especially when he has done runners....

Never really thought of my underlying issues..... Been about him for so long now.

Tuffgirl

Hon, my ex blamed me for "pushing" him into marriage! It's normal for alcoholic relationships.

Titanic

You know what happens when you feed a stray cat? It keeps coming back. Apparently, you seem to be the main and closest one dishing up an emotional response to his coming around with anger and resentment.

Don't respond. See what happens. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Peace.