SparkleKitty

If someone is determined to hurt you, you will never be able to "cover every angle."

I spent my entire childhood trying to be perfect so my mother would be happy and not yell anymore. I was thirty-two years old before I figured out her anger had nothing to do with me, or my siblings, or my dad. She was just an unhappy alcoholic who needed to unleash her unhappiness on others. I don't know your situation well enough to compare, but it sounds familiar to me.

KKE

I just wish he would do it to someone else so they could see it. No matter what I do I always get the brunt of it. The behaviour is just so unpredictable.

cli

KKE, can you please add this to your list of reasons why this dude is a turd? I know you're under pressure to move your stuff, you haven't slept, you're stressed out. This was a very similar situation to my own, when things had become so overwhelming, and my now XRABF offered no help beyond blaming me for it all!

If he's screaming at you like a child, and is too lazy and/or cruel to help you sort it out, then perhaps you should feel free to leave his half of the belongings where they are, still sitting in his dad's house. Pick out your own stuff and leave the rest behind. Not your problem...

Then get some sleep, take a breath and perhaps a hot bath, and pat yourself on the back for surviving this mayhem. I know it's been a really rough road, and you deserve to be kind to yourself!

cli

Bah! I know! My ex seemed so generous and kind to everyone else, but in reality he was giving away MY THINGS like he was Santa Claus... And if I got angry about it, then I was just a crazy selfish bitch. So frustrating and confusing, loving an addict...

KKE

They just aren't consistent are they? Did yours have mood swings? Stupidly I tried to call a few times and the phone was off. When I did get through he put the phone down and switched it off again. I sent a text asking him to call when he is calmer, i doubt he will. I know I should ignore him. Just so rubbish, you think you're going to see someone and you get dropped like a sack of spuds.

cli

Mood swings is an understatement. You're not dealing with a healthy sane person. Of course it hurts how little he cares, but only because you're basing your code of conduct on normal human behaviour. Yeah, it is rubbish, what you're going through. The best way to stop it is to get some rest, hot bath, visit your mum. Put down your mobile right now! Take care of yourself for a change. Leave that turd to rot on his own, and stop letting him punish you for his own misdeeds. Rest. Hot bath. Mum. OK..?

Point is, refresh yourself and things won't seem so dire.

KKE

Thank you everyone

Want to know if he's drinking again. If I knew that I guess I could understand the behaviour better. Oh well. Think I will make a cup of tea and watch a film....

cli

That's the spirit! Reckon I might do the same. Just remember it doesn't matter if he's drinking or not, he's still acting like a jerk. (My ex did all his worst damage to me without having touched a drop for months.) Drunk or not, "sober" and "recovering" or not, a jerk is still a jerk, and we deserve better.

Anyway, I hope you have a lovely evening, especially after such a rough day!

Titanic

Great! Put that cell phone away and catch a flick with tea!!!

We spouses and SOs* - those that are closest to the alcoholic/addict - almost always get the biggest brunt of it ... except in cases like that of the drunk driver who killed my relatives.

* This may be a parent, child or sibling too.

KKE

He's called me a few times and screamed and shouted at me. He thinks I screwed him over with our house. We both had some paperwork written up about the money we out into our house that wasn't what we agreed. He thinks I'm fully responsible for that. I've told him time and time again that I wanted him to sit down with me so we can send an email to the solicitor so he can see what I'm sending. He's always said "oh not now". He's saying it was a simple agreement and I should've done it. I didn't need him there. He told me I'll be hearing from his solicitor. He told me I'd ruined his life and he wished he had never met me. He said the reason he did drink and drugs was because of me. I ended up screaming back at him. We've been arguing for the last hour. He reckons that the first big thing we did Together that I screwed him over and he's never trusted me since. He's also taken £120 out of his account today, 70 earlier and then another 50.

I feel so hurt. Time and time again I've been there for him. He's said some horrific things to me tonight, including that the reason he did crack was because he was with me. Just awful.

Titanic

You didn't cause his drinking or using, and you can't control or cure it or him. Don't let his crazy diseased talk get to you. He's out of emotional control right now and may be active again.

How much more do you want to take? It's your choice ... you can pick the phone up or not. You CAN ignore him for 24 hours. No one's life is going to be improved by you picking up that phone to talk to him today.

KKE

Hi titanic.. I'm going to take your advice and leave it for at least 24 hours. I think your right, I think he must've been drinking, or drugs, or both. It was just awful. He called me and I was so happy at first. Thought he'd calmed down from earlier. Instead I got what I got. I don't think he would've taken that much cash out for nothing, and twice. It's been brewing for a while. He even said "this time I'm not going to hide behind a drink, I'm going to tell you exactly what I think of you" and "you are making me want to drink".

Titanic

Good for you!

If not active, he's BUD (Building Up to Drink/use).

KKE

Got a text from him: "didn't mean what I said"

I haven't replied.

cli

My ex use to do this to me too. Saying very abusive things while I was under huge pressure, selling our house and moving out by myself, then "Sorry babe, just want to be sure you'll be OK." Really? How does calling me a passive-aggressive psycho ensure I'll be OK?

Good for you for ignoring it! Carry on taking care of your own business. You've got enough to worry about without his craziness thrown on top...

KKE

It's all just so confusing. Just feel so tired with it all. In my mind I want to sit down and talk to him properly about what's happened but it seems he's just not in the right frame of mind. I tried to call him today (stupidly) but his phone was off, didnt bother leaving a message. He smashed up our bookshelf in rage and i want to leave it to him to sort out. Have now switched the phone off, less temptation.

keepingmyjoy1

Sorry you are going through this KKE. One of the times I left my AH (3 times now!) he was in the state that yours is in. He even kicked a hole in the wall. I moved out anyway.

The only input I have is "stay the course"--get the moving out done as quickly as you can so that you can have peace. Hugs.

KKE

Thing is, it was him who left me so realistically he should be happy he left such a "controlling" woman who "ruined" his life. The stuff is our stuff that's in HIS dads house.

The ridiculous thing is, his phone is off and I am sitting here wondering - what did he do? Is he drinking? Where is he?

cli

Yeah, it's too cute how they do that, eh? Surely your A is expecting you to be SO GRATEFUL when you eventually do get a hold of him, and that you'll welcome him home like a war hero or something. Grrr...

KKE

Hahaha oh yeah i expect so. Bloody idiot. I'm trying really hard to switch off from it all today it's not going great. I even keep looking at the text he sent me saying he didn't mean what he said and thinking "poor him, he must've been in such a bad way to say all that stuff and now he's felling bad which means he must've got drunk which is why his phone is off, why can't he just come home blah blah blah". It's so consuming..... And degrading.