Partner walked out .... Again.... Three days into recovery

Old 11-01-2012, 03:06 PM
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Thanks feeling great, I am going to change direct debits etc this week.

On the furniture front, I saw him today and he's done a complete turnaround and has agreed to shift the stuff into storage. He couldn't even look at me and clammed up when I touched on what's happened between us. He really stank of BO too, which isn't great.
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Old 11-01-2012, 09:39 PM
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Do most alcoholics find reality and responsibility hard to cope with?

OMG....yes or at least this is true very true with my XABF. In addition I also felt like you mentioned ...Getting them sober and they leave... If he isn't drinking which likely he is....he will be! Still stinking thinking!
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Old 11-01-2012, 11:02 PM
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Originally Posted by KKE View Post
I find the whole anxiety thing really hard to understand. I feel like he only ever gets anxious around me! I don't know if this is because I refuse to stick my head in the sand like he does or because I need him to do things that involve making decisions and dealing with life like "which company shall we use to store our stuff" or "you have really hurt me". As soon as I talk about the impact of his behaviour he can't deal with it. He then uses that as the reason he suffers from anxiety and drinks.
Well as someone who suffers from anxiety, I can tell you it's fear gone amok so maybe he's afraid of making decisions or he's afraid you're going to yell at him, or he could have fears of intimacy or who the heck knows. If he was really serious about dealing with it, he'd go to a mental health professional and get some help instead of drinking, doing drugs and using you as a scapegoat.

I went through the same thing of sorts with my ex, though his problem was anger and irritability, he would try to escape that by drinking, which just made the anger worse. Of course he would never accept that alcohol was responsible for his bad moods, it was always something I did or said. The most ridiculous thing could set him off, a dish left in the sink or a sock on the floor. Did he want to do anything to help himself feel better like.... psychotherapy, or meditation, or yoga? No, he thought all of those things were ridiculous and so was I, of course the only answer is to go to the bar and smoke.

Sometimes you can't really help other people, you need to just get out of their way before they make you a complete mental case along with them.
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Old 11-02-2012, 02:07 AM
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Yeah he has said a few times "I know you're just going to go mental" which is why he is avoiding me. In the space of three days he has gone from, yes I will help, no I won't, yes I will I just said no because I didn't need you going on!

I hugged him and asked him if he loves me. He said yes and hugged me etc. he agreed we can meet this Saturday to talk, part of me thinks he is going to bail out like he did last weekend. We hugged before he left I said I love you and he said "you know I love you too". Sounds stupid but I felt better hearing him say that.... I know I should be ignoring him and not bothering but I miss him. Feel stupid that I still need to know he loves me....
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Old 11-02-2012, 05:37 AM
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Of course you want to be loved back dear, and you deserve it, as do all of us here. That's how we think when we're in a relationship - we want to relate and the rest is just trimmings!

But that's not what they think. In the chronic phase of their addiction and new sobriety, all they think of is what can I get or take. They want givers, hostages, providers or victims JUST FOR what the As can take or get from them. They want what THEY want only, which is to feel good themselves regardless of how others feel or to not feel (to be numbed). Anything else is just lies, manipulation and a means to that end.

Please get yourself a lawyer and to Al-Anon. The bank can help you clear the joint account and set you up with a new individual one, but it can't change the title to the houses.
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Old 11-02-2012, 07:48 AM
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It all makes sense what everyone is saying. I guess in my mind I still think "no surely not ****, he isn't like all the other alcoholics, surely he isn't so text book with his behaviour...?" I know that if he wanted to come home i would welcome him with open arms, as I always do. I know I need to find the strength to just sack him off because I know he knows that he can come back whenever he wants too. Well, I'm the one that says "please come home".... Pathetic.
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Old 11-02-2012, 12:49 PM
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Sitting here wanting to text him so thought I would type on here instead! He is meant to be coming to see me tomorrow but I have a feeling he is going to bail out last minute like he did last weekend. When I spoke to him today he was just so irate with me. I asked him simple questions and he was just so snappy. I don't get why I am always the one who gets is anger, frustration and who he gets irritated with. I'm sure he doesn't do it to his friends....
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Old 11-02-2012, 01:00 PM
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I believe that the other people in our lives are mirrors. Some reflect the good in us, some reflect the bad. In turn, we reflect upon those close to us as well. I think it's possible he sees reflected in you some stuff about himself that he is not proud of. An emotionally mature person deals with these less than ideal reflections by trying to better understand themselves. An emotionally immature one lashes out and tries to smash the mirror.

If I were you, though, I'd not be asking 'why does he behave this way with me' but 'why do I put up with being treated so badly.' You're better than that!
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Old 11-02-2012, 01:33 PM
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Originally Posted by KKE View Post
It's funny you should say about waiting for the key to turn. Despite taking all of his things, he did not leave his front door key. Exactly the same as last year.
The reason why he didn't leave his key is because he wants to come back when it's convenient for him. My ABF did the same, until I changed the locks on him. Then it was him not coming to get his stuff when I kicked him out. Then it came to me getting a protective order so he really couldn't come back, that forced him into getting help.

I think a lot of the stuff they do is just to push your buttons. They don't do it on purpose, they are just selfish, and assume that you will be there like you always have been. So why should this time be any different?

Make it different. Even if you don't feel it, fake it. Be serious, you aren't going to put up with this behavior anymore. He needs to take responsibility, and that will only happen when you force him to look at his own actions.
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Old 11-02-2012, 01:41 PM
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Deep down, despite knowing this is wrong and I'm just going round in circles, I want him to come home and I am scared he means it this time and it really is done. Ridiculous and so needy. Feel so emotionally reliant on him. In the end I had resigned myself to the fact that he would regularly do runners and come back but so long as I knew he was coming back. It seemed ok and I could function. What with him taking his stuff it just leaves me feeling insecure whereas before I had found some security and found my place in the chaos. Like I knew the drill. If that makes sense?
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Old 11-02-2012, 10:08 PM
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Originally Posted by KKE View Post
Deep down, despite knowing this is wrong and I'm just going round in circles, I want him to come home and I am scared he means it this time and it really is done. Ridiculous and so needy. Feel so emotionally reliant on him. In the end I had resigned myself to the fact that he would regularly do runners and come back but so long as I knew he was coming back. It seemed ok and I could function. What with him taking his stuff it just leaves me feeling insecure whereas before I had found some security and found my place in the chaos. Like I knew the drill. If that makes sense?
Oh dear, I know that feeling! It's all so confusing... I'd only recently realized how much I had slowly but surely changed my perfectly normal reactions to emotional abuse -- adapted myself to accept very unacceptable behavior.

All the ol' AA adages say alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it is a family disease too. It's so true I got sick right along with him. And the fact that I'm still struggling with missing and loving a man who did (and still does) unthinkably cruel things to me is pretty clear evidence of that!

I'm working on getting myself back to who I was 5 years ago. Not easy at all, especially when, like you, I feel so needy and ridiculous these days! But just look at what we've been through...
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Old 11-03-2012, 02:21 AM
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KKE, try a paradigm shift into YOU.

If you only had one day to live and he's not around, what would you do with that 17 hours (you're not allowed to not sleep in this exercise!)? What would you do, eat, go see, spend your money on and who would you visit or spend time with?

Write it out taking no more than a half hour. Then go do some of that.

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Old 11-03-2012, 02:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Titanic View Post
KKE, try a paradigm shift into YOU.

If you only had one day to live and he's not around, what would you do with that 17 hours (you're not allowed to not sleep in this exercise!)? What would you do, eat, go see, spend your money on and who would you visit or spend time with?

Write it out taking no more than a half hour. Then go do some of that.

GASP! What a cool idea! A little mini bucket list...

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Old 11-03-2012, 02:54 AM
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I don't even know what I do and don't like anymore..... The only thing I can think of is see my mum.

Couldn't sleep last night. Just so on edge about today. Meant to be seeing him but I reckon he's going to cancel. I know all I want to do is beg him to come home. Like I always do.
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Old 11-03-2012, 03:29 AM
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Originally Posted by KKE View Post
I don't even know what I do and don't like anymore..... The only thing I can think of is see my mum.

Couldn't sleep last night. Just so on edge about today. Meant to be seeing him but I reckon he's going to cancel. I know all I want to do is beg him to come home. Like I always do.
Oh dear, you are in the thick of it, eh? If meeting him is causing you so much distress, perhaps you might consider cancelling on him instead? Maybe take a breath for a moment? Reschedule on your own terms, when you're better rested and less immediately heartbroken? You know the pattern you're on already...
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Old 11-03-2012, 03:39 AM
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Go see your mum. If that's not realistically possible, curl up with your favorite pillow and let it comfort you for a good long cry. Then get out that pen and paper.
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Old 11-03-2012, 05:01 AM
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So he moved the sofa for me. His friend helped him. There was other stuff to move and his friend told him that he would help. He said no. Next thing you know he his on the phone screaming at me telling me he wasn't going to move the rest of the stuff and I could do the rest myself. I asked if he was still coming to see me later and he just started screaming that he had struggled all day with the sofas and to leave him alone. He has now turned his phone off. Yesterday we went through all the bits that needed moving and he was fine with it all. Today he's screaming at me and refusing to do it all and as predicted I won't be seeing him. He would've known that he wouldn't be able to move that stuff on his own so I don't know why he told his friend he didn't need his help.
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Old 11-03-2012, 05:15 AM
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KKE, I am so sorry that you are the subject of all of this screaming. He sounds very selfish and abusive. I hope you are doing things to take care of yourself today.
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Old 11-03-2012, 05:31 AM
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Thank you.... I just feel like I covered every angle with him yesterday so he wouldn't have a reason to get angry with me today. I made sure he was fully briefed by text and phone so there were no unexpected surprises for him today. He knew he wouldn't be able to shift the rest on his own so he shouldn't have told his friend otherwise. The only person he ever seems to scream and shout at is me.
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Old 11-03-2012, 05:39 AM
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Leave him alone. You have the stuff you need. Don't try to figure him out or appease him for at least 24 hours.

Take care of You, please!
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