Relapsed. Can't say I didn't see this coming.

Old 09-20-2012, 08:11 PM
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Relapsed. Can't say I didn't see this coming.

RAH relapsed. Some red flags have been flying for a month or so, but I wasn't certain so I decided to wait and see what happened. He worked late tonight. I came in from running errands with the kids and he was sitting at the counter eating and in a great mood. He smelled like vodka. It was unmistakable.

There wasn't really a confrontation. Out of earshot from the kids, I calmly asked when he started again, and he denied it, so I calmly asked again, and he denied it. He went away for a few minutes and came back with a story about having bought a couple of airline bottles a few weeks ago and just drank one tonight. That's one quack he's told me before. The boundary has long been that if he's drinking, he can't be with me and the kids. So he packed a bag. I suggested that he might fess up to his parents so he had a place to stay and call his sponsor and go to work in the morning. He decided to go to a roach motel instead, which is his relapse pattern. He also tends to relapse around holidays, which I've always found to be an extra insult on top of injury. We just celebrated a happy anniversary together, and this week is our son's birthday. How ****** it is for DS to go through this on his birthday.

The thing is, I don't feel much about it. I'm disappointed, sure, but I also saw this coming. He wasn't seeing his therapist, wasn't calling his sponsor, wasn't going to meetings. He was avoiding being near me, avoiding kissing me, and sleeping on the couch again, which is what he used to do when he wanted to get loaded in secret after I went to bed.

My heart was broken last year, and since then I've been trying to give him space to figure things out and figure out how to work a program (he didn't) and accepting his help around the house and whatever income he was bringing in. This time gave me the space to do my own recovery program and get my head together. I'm grateful that I've been doing the personal work I have. I had a nice rest of the evening with the kids, did some laundry and dishes, and I'm about to go to bed. No tears, no dramatic confrontations, just acceptance. This is what it is. I'm sorry about it, but it was out of my hands.

He texted me with reassurances that he's in this motel with no booze. I'm not responding. I think I'm done. I don't know how things are going to play out in the future, and I'm really trying not to future-trip myself into living with my parents again (which is likely), but I'm done. There are more silver linings here than finally having permission from yourself to step away from the alcoholic, and I'm going to find them.

I would really appreciate your support and wisdom right now. Be gentle.
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Old 09-20-2012, 08:18 PM
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I'm sorry, Florence. We do learn the signs, don't we? I wish it hadn't happened, but since it did, you did all the right things. Hitting bottom, whether it's the addict themselves or those of us who live with them, isn't always a catastrophic event or fireworks or even anything we can put our finger on. We just know that we're done.

Get some sleep and try not to worry about it too much. As long as you keep your focus on what is best for you and your children, everything will be okay. (((HUGS)))
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Old 09-20-2012, 08:24 PM
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So sorry it happened. I am sending you encouragement and support. I think your personal recovery is showing, and it looks good on you!
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Old 09-20-2012, 08:33 PM
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Oh Florence, so very sorry. You sound pretty calm and resolved, but I want to send a hug to the part of you that feels this loss.

We're all here for you. You're very brave, and you've been working very hard and it shows. So feel yourself supported by all of us here who do understand some of what you're going through. The day will dawn a little brighter, and you will carry on.

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Old 09-20-2012, 08:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
There are more silver linings here than finally having permission from yourself to step away from the alcoholic, and I'm going to find them.
Yes, there are. You may not see them immediately, but trust they are there. Your life is so much more valuable than waiting around for the other shoe to drop. You will survive and thrive without this brick around your neck.

But, from my own experience, I can say that it takes time. You will grieve and you will doubt. It's all part of the process. But, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep heading towards it.

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Old 09-20-2012, 10:33 PM
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Oh Florence, I am SO sorry........

To me it sound's like your at the point of feeling "numb"
Maybe it's a good thing right now?
But your recovery sound's like it's kicking in good and letting
you take care of you...Just think, once upon a time, you
weren't this strong, as you are tonight! Be proud of yourself

Sending you all of my love & prayer's........MUAH!!!!!
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Old 09-20-2012, 10:33 PM
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I'm so sorry, I just went through this, too. Almost could have written this myself. Had the exact same immediate reactions. I know. It does feel good to see our own growth, peace and happiness still intact.

It's heartbreaking. The whole thing. The sickness, the damage, the pain. I would be very easy on yourself. Take it a day at a time. Do the work on yourself and let the answers come. There is no hurry.

Big hug!
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Old 09-21-2012, 03:13 AM
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So sorry this is happening to you.

I just wanted to second what LTD said.
I believe what your heart telling you now is true. Your emotions are likely to go up and down, but please try to remember what you know now.

When I left my husband, it was really hard for awhile, but I knew I musn't lose the sight of what I knew in my heart to be true. And I knew I couldn't live that life any longer. Since than my life became so much better. I became myself more than I ever was. And I can tell you I am a very happy person today.
(is just so happened that soon afterwards my RAH sobered up, started working on his recovery like his life depends on it - as it literaly was - and a year later we got back together - but my wellbeing and happiness didn't come from that - it came long before as I stayed true to myself and to what I believe is acceptable in my life and what is not).

We never know what the future might bring, but I believe that if we stay true to ourselves, if we honor and respect ourselves, and if we take nothing less from others, that the future will grant us with good lives.

You're doing a right thing, for yourself and your kids (and at the end of the day for your AH too, since you're letting him deal with the consenquences of his actions - but what he choses to do about it is his thing)

I wish you well
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Old 09-21-2012, 03:17 AM
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Your recovery is shining.
Keep making the next right decision for yourself and your kids. They are SO BLESSED to have a mom with recovery tools. They're going to be okay because you're okay. Take loving care of yourself. Stay away from the future-tripping. God has a plan. He's got you covered. Trust in Him. You're going to be okay.

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Old 09-21-2012, 04:28 AM
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Darn it, I hate these moments when I have absolutely nothing brilliant or witty or illuminating to write. But I can send you hugs and strength along with my sympathy.

I think you're going to be okay in the long run. Good luck in the short run. It may be a bumpy ride but I'm certain you'll get through it for both yourself and your children.
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Old 09-21-2012, 05:20 AM
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Hi Florence,

So sorry that you are at this place with you A ... sigh... I remember so well my XA building up to drink (BUD) and my even pointing the huge danger signs but as you already know we cannot control their choices.

The last time my XA was budding it had been almost a full year like yours and honestly it was like it had built up pressure like a volcano! Unlike your A mine went manic and off the chain and was in Las Vegas for 3 months and then checked himself into rehab out west for 2 months and then a sober living house for one month. Since then he has relapsed again...

LIke you I had been in recovery and knew I didn't have another relapse in me... I had clearly communicated that I had alcohol free boundaries and when he lost it I packed him up and moved him out for good.

That was in February and of course there was the chaos by phone and quacking incessantly that I ignored and eventually blocked. But I stuck to my guns and stayed NC and it was the best move I ever made in my entire life!

I have changed my life... moved from HIS dream home that we lived in for 10 days before he relapsed and I got stuck with the bills to MY DREAM HOME on the water!

I know it is harder with kids (I did that too with my first addict who I divorced when they were 6 and 1) but sometimes it is better for the addict to work this out in a single state rather than in the marital home.

You will find out what his commitment level is to sobriety and authentic recovery by what he does with his relapse on his own.

You know all this... you are well on your way to becoming the healthy, whole and happy woman your HP intends you to be and your recovery sounds so strong!!!

We married the same guy... just different names... same MO... I hit the eject buttom once the boundaries were violated.

Worked for me. Whatever happens you are in my prayers. Be strong... more will be revealed.
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Old 09-21-2012, 05:34 AM
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I don't have any wisdom about this that I can think of right now but I do thank you from deep in my heart for you sharing this. I read strength in your words, which I need right now, so I'm actually borrowing strength from you and your honesty. I so appreciate the story of his relapse because it brings reality and clarity to my mind, to fight the denial I have been in for the last 2 and a half years of my life about AXBF.

I am sorry your spouse relapsed. Your Acceptance of the situation shows how far you must have come in your own recovery. (((hugs)))
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Old 09-21-2012, 05:52 AM
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(((Florence))) Thank you for sharing this. Unlike you I do not remain calm and peaceful when my RAH shows signs of relapse. Although he is committed to sobriety, his actions sometimes say otherwise and how it affects the rest of the family is not something he cares much about. Unfortunately, I let this get the best of me and know I need to do more of my own personal work. I admire you for keeping the focus on yourself and doing the best you can.
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Old 09-21-2012, 05:54 AM
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I'm saddened to read your story but inspired by your strength. I think L2L has pointed out at least one silver lining ---the strength that your story and recovery progress imparts in others. I know it has helped me today.
I feel particularly connected to you today because I know how hard this is with children. What a wonderful mother they have - you are not only giving them a shining example of strength and love but you do it with such dignity. I really get that from your post. Dignity.

Please do something kind for yourself today. My suggestion is to find a comfortable, quiet place and make yourself a cup of tea in your prettiest tea cup. As you sit with that warm comfort in your hands, open yourself up to feel the genuine caring and support for you that has been sent out into cyberspace by posters and readers alike in this SR community. We care about you.
Extra hugs,
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Old 09-21-2012, 06:08 AM
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I'm so sorry Florence, I understand what you're feeling as do so many of us here and all I can say is we're here for you. There was a time I thought I would never get out of that black hole of emotions but each day I'm getting close to climbing out of it and you will too. My prayers are with you and your kids.
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Old 09-21-2012, 06:12 AM
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Florence, I admire your courage and how you've stuck to your boundaries. I'm sorry, though, about the relapse and the effects it will have on your family. It stinks to have your hopes dashed.
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Old 09-21-2012, 06:15 AM
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I'm so sorry Florence.
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Old 09-21-2012, 06:36 AM
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Thanks, everyone. I really, really, deeply appreciate your kinds words. Who knew this forum would be the support system it is for me? I didn't. I'm so grateful for this community today.

I'm already future-tripping about money, and I'm trying not to go there. It's hard. Things have been tight for so long, and his income was just enough to break even. All the household expenses are so pared down that I'm going to have to give up eating or something to make ends meet. I spoke to my mom last night and she offered to help sell the house and move us home. That would be... undesirable.

I'm feeling pretty distanced from everything today. I didn't sleep well last night, but I got up with the kids and we got everywhere we needed to be on time and in one piece. The parents on both sides are in hyper-reaction mode and sending me texts and emails gently encouraging me to take him back because he's so sorry and didn't mean it.

The problem -- and this is always the problem -- is that he is minimizing his drinking, the effects of his drinking, and the lengths he goes to to hide his drinking. The parents are eating it up because they want to believe the sincerity of his apologies and the fantasy that alcoholism can be "cured," and they are hooked right in with his promises about his recovery plan. But this recovery plan is the same one he had when he got out of three rehabs last year. He still really has yet to make or follow one at all -- but he *does* talk a good game and amp up the *appearance* of active recovery when everyone's eyes are on him. He's holding on to the "two airplane bottles" story and I think he's the only one that believes it.

It's really sad to see. Regrettable. He's a wickedly smart person who will do well in life if he ever gets a grip on this. But to the point, he's not there yet. He's still pretending.

I really don't want to wait for him to figure it out, always preparing for the other shoe to drop. I'm trying not to make any rash decisions right now. The thing guiding me the last couple of months was the power of patience and waiting for the truth to reveal itself. It did, and I was ready for it. Now I need to keep this up and just do the next right thing. Whatever that is.
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Old 09-21-2012, 06:42 AM
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My heart goes out to you. I know a little of what you're feeling, even the strange peace of acceptance.

My AW has relapsed... again. This time, I finally discussed the possibility of a divorce with our adult daughter, and she accepted it. She, too, has pretty much given up. In the past, she's held out hope that she could make AW stop, but AW hasn't reached the point yet where she wants to stop. She only abstains to please us, then always returns to the bottle.

Even the thought of financial ruin and starting over with nothing is not as scary as it once was. Just getting away from this endless alcoholic cycle seems like enough, at least on an intellectual level. The fear is still lurking in the background, because I know there's a lot of pain and unpleasantness between here and there.

I hope your can find a solution that brings you happiness.
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Old 09-21-2012, 06:52 AM
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Like everyone else here, I am both sad you have to go through this but inspired by your courage and clarity. I will be thinking of you and wishing you strength in the days ahead.
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