Relapsed. Can't say I didn't see this coming.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Florence, I truly understand how you feel. Although, you sound stronger than I am at this point. I let my boundary be trampled on this week. I caught AH hiding his empties, literally red-handed that he couldn't deny and yet I didn't hold my boundary. 2 weeks ago he blasted me for 'always presuming guilt' and not trusting him and now we're back in relapse mode.
You are strong, you will get through this. There's nothing written in stone that says you have to make a decision today. I have been doing the same thing, praying for God to show me a sign whether AH was just blowing smoke or if he was actually done drinking. And, yes, I got my sign. Still not sure what I'm going to do about it. I know the SR folks here will support you no matter what you decide. Sending you lots of support today!
You are strong, you will get through this. There's nothing written in stone that says you have to make a decision today. I have been doing the same thing, praying for God to show me a sign whether AH was just blowing smoke or if he was actually done drinking. And, yes, I got my sign. Still not sure what I'm going to do about it. I know the SR folks here will support you no matter what you decide. Sending you lots of support today!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Florence,
I just want to second what TeM noted about the financial side. I've not posted too much about that aspect of my journey - but it is a huge part of it. It's a real mess. There were limited options to deal with it - so I did what I had to do. I focused only on the very top priorities. I've taken necessary steps and it's not as bad as I thought, particularly if you take it one day at a time and appreciate small blessings. Future-tripping is hard to avoid when it comes to providing for your family, I know. There will be periods in the transition that are "undesirable" but hopefully those will be temporary -just a bridge to a more desirable situation.
It's too bad that the parents on either side can't see the reality before them. Here's hoping they start to get it - for everyone's sake.
MamaKit
I just want to second what TeM noted about the financial side. I've not posted too much about that aspect of my journey - but it is a huge part of it. It's a real mess. There were limited options to deal with it - so I did what I had to do. I focused only on the very top priorities. I've taken necessary steps and it's not as bad as I thought, particularly if you take it one day at a time and appreciate small blessings. Future-tripping is hard to avoid when it comes to providing for your family, I know. There will be periods in the transition that are "undesirable" but hopefully those will be temporary -just a bridge to a more desirable situation.
It's too bad that the parents on either side can't see the reality before them. Here's hoping they start to get it - for everyone's sake.
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Florence,
So sorry it hasn't sunk in yet with him. I know the airplane bottle game, remember it well, mine was using them for maintenance at work and never admitting it, although I know he was ashamed it had progressed to that point. That's why they lie, and why he lied to you. Shame.
Are you angry right now? I try to never make any decisions while angry, although that is the hardest for me because I can get very angry!
When it was over for me, it wasn't anger...it felt more like giving into defeat. I couldn't win. My will for him to be fair, honest, reasonable, and sober was not stronger than his will to do whatever he chose to do...and admitting defeat that my will was not stronger than his was the hardest thing for me to do.
I think relatives look at the situation, calculate the financial odds, and suggest we stay because of monetary situations. I know my relatives did exactly that, although nobody but my mother said that straight out. The question of- will they be better off with or without him, and if they leave--will they be leaning on me- question. Relatives also don't ever want to see a family blow up and disintegrate, even when upheaval for awhile would be better than status quo. They are concerned that you don't change into a worse situation, but they also are sometimes not very good at helping you change your life when you need to. The strong self-assured person will back you up when you change your life when you need to, the fearful relative will not....and the aggressive person will tell you to change your life even when you are not ready to.
You go ahead and do whatever is best for you and your children!
So sorry it hasn't sunk in yet with him. I know the airplane bottle game, remember it well, mine was using them for maintenance at work and never admitting it, although I know he was ashamed it had progressed to that point. That's why they lie, and why he lied to you. Shame.
Are you angry right now? I try to never make any decisions while angry, although that is the hardest for me because I can get very angry!
When it was over for me, it wasn't anger...it felt more like giving into defeat. I couldn't win. My will for him to be fair, honest, reasonable, and sober was not stronger than his will to do whatever he chose to do...and admitting defeat that my will was not stronger than his was the hardest thing for me to do.
I think relatives look at the situation, calculate the financial odds, and suggest we stay because of monetary situations. I know my relatives did exactly that, although nobody but my mother said that straight out. The question of- will they be better off with or without him, and if they leave--will they be leaning on me- question. Relatives also don't ever want to see a family blow up and disintegrate, even when upheaval for awhile would be better than status quo. They are concerned that you don't change into a worse situation, but they also are sometimes not very good at helping you change your life when you need to. The strong self-assured person will back you up when you change your life when you need to, the fearful relative will not....and the aggressive person will tell you to change your life even when you are not ready to.
You go ahead and do whatever is best for you and your children!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Your recovery is a real inspiration. You are certainly moving in the right direction especially by focusing on you and your children. I suggest asking yourself if you're going to keep going through this. Is it time to make a major change? One of my favorite slogans: "fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Well, I was doing swimmingly until I realized he was tooling around at our house in secret while I was at work. I get a notification from my personal email if it's opened up in two places. That happens when someone is on the computer at home while I have it open on my computer at work.
I lost my $*&% and sent about 30 text messages (sadly, not exaggerating) demanding he get out of the house like he said he would. He sent several back ranging from "F*** yous" to "I'm not as bad as you think I am" quacks. He finally left. I called a locksmith to have the locks replaced today. I do not trust him.
To top it off, this (long story):
I have been trying to rebuild my relationship with my sisters after basically not having much of one with them ever. They are much older than me and thanks to a lot of turbulence in my teen years, they distanced themselves from me and my parents and the relationships never really recovered. All of this is part of the therapy experience for me -- realizing how deeply depression has affected my family on both sides for generations, realizing the seriousness of my parents codependency, realizing how badly my mother handles conflict by hiding truths from people, and how she minimized the seriousness of a dozen traumatic events over the course of me and my sisters' childhoods. Big picture stuff. So I've been learning quite a bit, not only about alcoholism, but also codependency and mental illness. After trying for several years, one of my sisters and I have been getting closer. Some of that is sharing our perceptions of our parents and the craziness of what mom told who and when and how truthful it was. Really, it's been transformative.
Today she wrote me a long email explaining that she knows I was raped when I was 13, how angry she was at mom and dad for not believing me, and how important she thought it was to acknowledge all that history, including the downward spiral I experienced afterward which was in part due to my parents' abandonment. It was... on any other day, it would have been occasion for real healing. Today, I just feel like I'm split wide open.
TGI %$&^*%( Friday. If you never know how strong you are until you have to be, today I learned I'm a goddamned rock.
I lost my $*&% and sent about 30 text messages (sadly, not exaggerating) demanding he get out of the house like he said he would. He sent several back ranging from "F*** yous" to "I'm not as bad as you think I am" quacks. He finally left. I called a locksmith to have the locks replaced today. I do not trust him.
To top it off, this (long story):
I have been trying to rebuild my relationship with my sisters after basically not having much of one with them ever. They are much older than me and thanks to a lot of turbulence in my teen years, they distanced themselves from me and my parents and the relationships never really recovered. All of this is part of the therapy experience for me -- realizing how deeply depression has affected my family on both sides for generations, realizing the seriousness of my parents codependency, realizing how badly my mother handles conflict by hiding truths from people, and how she minimized the seriousness of a dozen traumatic events over the course of me and my sisters' childhoods. Big picture stuff. So I've been learning quite a bit, not only about alcoholism, but also codependency and mental illness. After trying for several years, one of my sisters and I have been getting closer. Some of that is sharing our perceptions of our parents and the craziness of what mom told who and when and how truthful it was. Really, it's been transformative.
Today she wrote me a long email explaining that she knows I was raped when I was 13, how angry she was at mom and dad for not believing me, and how important she thought it was to acknowledge all that history, including the downward spiral I experienced afterward which was in part due to my parents' abandonment. It was... on any other day, it would have been occasion for real healing. Today, I just feel like I'm split wide open.
TGI %$&^*%( Friday. If you never know how strong you are until you have to be, today I learned I'm a goddamned rock.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Florence
I am impressed by your calm and serenity in dealing with your AH. Sounds like the parents find it easier to think you are taking care of him - less worrying for them to have to deal with. Don't let anyone else (AH, parents, whomever) pressure you into doing what you don't want to do.
I am impressed by your calm and serenity in dealing with your AH. Sounds like the parents find it easier to think you are taking care of him - less worrying for them to have to deal with. Don't let anyone else (AH, parents, whomever) pressure you into doing what you don't want to do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I love the new security on certain email accounts these days. Mine notifies me if an unknown device tries to open my email box. I have to do a series of authenticating steps for my laptop, phone, and tablet. No more snooping in that email account!
Hang in there, Florence. Prayers for a better weekend,
~T
Hang in there, Florence. Prayers for a better weekend,
~T
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Florence,
You ARE. You've been a rock for so many people here. And now you see you can be for yourself.
You may feel like you're split wide open, but girl, there's solid titanium at your core. You will get through this.
You ARE. You've been a rock for so many people here. And now you see you can be for yourself.
You may feel like you're split wide open, but girl, there's solid titanium at your core. You will get through this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
You are indeed a ROCK. Whew. There has never been a truer statement.
Maybe the reason that you received that email from your sister, on today of all days, will reveal itself. There seems to be an awful lot that needs healing. May that process happen as quickly as it can and soon! Hang in there Florence.
MamaKit
Maybe the reason that you received that email from your sister, on today of all days, will reveal itself. There seems to be an awful lot that needs healing. May that process happen as quickly as it can and soon! Hang in there Florence.
MamaKit
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
My therapist says that the only way to emerge completely new is to kill your last self completely, i.e. let the destruction of the old ways of being be complete. Apparently my last self is getting killed dead.
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