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So AH thinks I'm having an affair

Old 06-29-2012, 06:11 PM
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So AH thinks I'm having an affair

He seems to think that just because he's not getting any nookie that I must be getting it somewhere else. FYI: he wrote all this out and accidentally left it out on the kitchen counter, not sure what he was thinking? Maybe he wanted me to read it? DUH.

Anyway, he seems to think that his marriage is over because I'm not paying attention to him. He just doesn't get it. None of the conversations we've had about his violations of the law, the problems with the DUI, the drinking, etc seem to sink in. What this tells me is that I am actually changing, really changing. For years, I would put up with unacceptable behavior, angry outbursts, depression, anxiety, etc all coming from him and I would continue to give myself to him sexually and I'd write letters of caring and asking for forgiveness for transgressions that I never actually did. I'd apologize for things that weren't even my fault, just to get him to shut up. I used to try to keep the peace, make nice, and placate him by being the peacemaker.

Things have changed. I'm tired of accepting his behaviors and just chalking it up to his issues and him not taking responsibility for himself. I'm tired of having sex just because I felt it was the wifely thing to do. I'm tired of being a doormat.......and he doesn't know what to do with it!

Now, the question is: knowing what I know now, how do I proceed? He obviously is concerned about his marriage even though he won't talk to me about diddly squat right now. I could give him the letter I was planning on giving him telling him I'd go marriage counseling only if he addresses the drinking and only if he gets into therapy with an addictions specialist for 3 months. I also threw out the fact that I heard that AA works wonders for folks who need to give up the drink. I didn't threaten or give ultimatums except to say that marriage counseling is off the table unless he can do those 2 things. I also told him that if he won't do those things then he needs to communicate with me and tell me so, so that I can at least know where he stands.

Of course, I could do nothing. He seems to think that I'm not coming back from Florida. Hmmm, the idea did occur to me but home is home and I need to come back.

Oh, and just to vent today! Here's a story for y'all. My son has a friend who is fighting leukemia and I sometimes share the boy's story with AH. Today I told him of this boy's condition and then I asked him about the former president of his company. This man had moved to a sister company 3 years ago but we still saw him on the company sales trips every year so I've seen this man for 11 years now. We've played tennis together, shared meals together, I've met both his ex wife and his current wife, and I know his children's names. In short, I know enough about him to care about his welfare. So, this guy was diagnosed with leukemia back in April. I asked AH about the man this AM and he says, "Marshall died." Just like that, used a monotone voice and said nothing else. Ummm, when did this happen? "Oh, on Monday or maybe it was Sunday, don't know." So, I said, "Why didn't you tell me?" His answer was to just shrug his shoulders and say nothing. And, he wonders why his marriage is falling apart????? Is he freakin' kidding me? Ok, rant over. Thanks for hanging with me guys! FL is calling me, we fly out tomorrow AM!
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Old 06-29-2012, 06:18 PM
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I got accused of cheating every time xabf was drunk. If HE hasn't suggested counseling ( and forgive me that I can't remember if you've posted about that), or suggested getting help on his own, there's nothing you can do to change that. And really, making counseling conditional upon getting help is an ultimatum. I did that, and it landed my drunk ABF in jail last night because he wasn't trying to get sober for the right reasons. Have fun in FL, and think seriously about what it would take to put yourself first.
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Old 06-29-2012, 06:19 PM
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Seems like almost all of them come around to the conclusion that we must be having an affair if we don't want to have sex with them. They never consider that it could be they wreak of alcohol, or their crappy attitude, or the hell they have put us through could have anything to do with it. It must be because we are having an affair because they are gods and we should be only too happy to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride at any time.
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Old 06-29-2012, 06:28 PM
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in my case, the accuser was always the doer.
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Old 06-29-2012, 06:33 PM
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Normal verbage from an A...you can't fix stupid...enjoy your vacation and try to forget all his nonsense.
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Old 06-29-2012, 06:37 PM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
Normal verbage from an A...you can't fix stupid...enjoy your vacation and try to forget all his nonsense.
I was accused of being "inappropriate with men"...any man who crossed my path, including men I worked with, was neighbors with, related to. He never came out and accused me of cheating - just that I was "inappropriate" and not acting like a wife should act. There's that "should" again.

Yawn!

F him. Go have a fabulous time!
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Old 06-29-2012, 08:58 PM
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Agree with Summer! From my experience, when my XABF would accuse me of cheating it was because HE was actually the one doing it:deflecting blame. Its 1 of the many twisted games As play. IMHO i wouldnt be surprised if he used your supposed "cheating" as an excuse to actually cheat while youre in FL. : (
"He obviously is concerned about his marriage even though he won't talk to me about diddly squat right now."
To me that doesnt sound like hes very concerned about the marriage. Actions speak louder than words and in this case hes mute, which to me says the marriage must not be of great importance.
"I could give him the letter I was planning on giving him telling him I'd go marriage counseling only if he addresses the drinking and only if he gets into therapy with an addictions specialist for 3 months. I also threw out the fact that I heard that AA works wonders for folks who need to give up the drink. I didn't threaten or give ultimatums except to say that marriage counseling is off the table unless he can do those 2 things."
Liz those sound like ultimatums to me. Either YOU do this or IM not going to do that: ultimatum. Please dont take this the wrong way but why do you still have that letter? I havent read all of your posts but have seen you mention this 'letter' multiple times. Do you think it will be the thing to open your AH eyes and realize he has a problem? Ive seen many of your comments on other threads as well so i know that YOU know that HE will only get sober when hes ready. A letter is not going to be the kick in his ass that he needs. The letter should be at the bottom of a trash can. From what youve said it sounds like he doesnt deserve any more explanations about the problems in your marriage caused by his drinking. Hopefully your trip to FL will be a breath of a fresh air and a chance to recover some of your focus and put it back on yourself.
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Old 06-29-2012, 09:09 PM
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Btdt, he's convinced that's the only reason i left, and why he'll "win" the divorce. It's so absolutely ridiculous.
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Old 06-29-2012, 09:45 PM
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Originally Posted by WorkInProgress8 View Post
Agree with Summer! From my experience, when my XABF would accuse me of cheating it was because HE was actually the one doing it:deflecting blame. Its 1 of the many twisted games As play. IMHO i wouldnt be surprised if he used your supposed "cheating" as an excuse to actually cheat while youre in FL. : (
"He obviously is concerned about his marriage even though he won't talk to me about diddly squat right now."
To me that doesnt sound like hes very concerned about the marriage. Actions speak louder than words and in this case hes mute, which to me says the marriage must not be of great importance.
"I could give him the letter I was planning on giving him telling him I'd go marriage counseling only if he addresses the drinking and only if he gets into therapy with an addictions specialist for 3 months. I also threw out the fact that I heard that AA works wonders for folks who need to give up the drink. I didn't threaten or give ultimatums except to say that marriage counseling is off the table unless he can do those 2 things."
Liz those sound like ultimatums to me. Either YOU do this or IM not going to do that: ultimatum. Please dont take this the wrong way but why do you still have that letter? I havent read all of your posts but have seen you mention this 'letter' multiple times. Do you think it will be the thing to open your AH eyes and realize he has a problem? Ive seen many of your comments on other threads as well so i know that YOU know that HE will only get sober when hes ready. A letter is not going to be the kick in his ass that he needs. The letter should be at the bottom of a trash can. From what youve said it sounds like he doesnt deserve any more explanations about the problems in your marriage caused by his drinking. Hopefully your trip to FL will be a breath of a fresh air and a chance to recover some of your focus and put it back on yourself.
And, this is why I haven't given him the letter. This letter is actually a newly written letter that I rewrite about once a week and I think it's more a cathartic writing experience for me. Yet, I sometimes feel compelled to actually give it to him because it took so much out of me to write it and to put it together. Then, I come to my senses and realize he'll never appreciate the effort I put into it anyway so I'll just keep them locked in my documents on my computer.
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Old 06-29-2012, 10:50 PM
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I hear you sister!

It's like they can't for one minute think that maybe we don't want to have sex with them because they are GROSS and lovemaking isn't just a physical thing. Like my AH, after a night of wine and beer, let's just say his performance wasn't exactly up to par. I got so done with that, I finally cut him off completely and told him "It's booze or our marriage. You choose. And while you are thinking about that, I'm not having sex with you either." He was far more worried about not getting laid than me leaving him over alcohol.
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Old 06-29-2012, 11:11 PM
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Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits View Post

It's like they can't for one minute think that maybe we don't want to have sex with them because they are GROSS
Yep, that!
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Old 06-30-2012, 05:02 AM
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Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits View Post
I hear you sister!

It's like they can't for one minute think that maybe we don't want to have sex with them because they are GROSS and lovemaking isn't just a physical thing. Like my AH, after a night of wine and beer, let's just say his performance wasn't exactly up to par. I got so done with that, I finally cut him off completely and told him "It's booze or our marriage. You choose. And while you are thinking about that, I'm not having sex with you either." He was far more worried about not getting laid than me leaving him over alcohol.
Yeah, well, throw in the extra pounds he keeps putting on, too. He isn't drinking around me anymore so at least the smell isn't there and he doesn't snore as bad anymore, either. For me, I'm just not physically attracted to him at all and I'm hurting emotionally from all the years of his behavior so I'm just tired of having sex with him just to appease him or to keep up the facade of marriage at this point. Yeah, I told him 18 months ago that I was appalled that he'd choose alcohol over his marriage and he wonders why we're having problems here, DUH!
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Old 06-30-2012, 06:27 AM
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I feel for you I have been in yours shoes way too many times. You need to figure out what is best for you and focus on that. He will only change if he wants to and you have made it easy for him like myself in my past realtionship of always trying to make everything right. Are you exhausted yet????? Because I know its exhausting trying to make eveything right with someone like that. They take advantage of nice woman like ourselfs.
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Old 06-30-2012, 06:56 AM
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Originally Posted by elizabeth1967 View Post
I feel for you I have been in yours shoes way too many times. You need to figure out what is best for you and focus on that. He will only change if he wants to and you have made it easy for him like myself in my past realtionship of always trying to make everything right. Are you exhausted yet????? Because I know its exhausting trying to make eveything right with someone like that. They take advantage of nice woman like ourselfs.
Elizabeth, thanks for sharing! Love your picture, by the way. Very pretty! And, yes, I'm exhausted and burned out and that's why I'm just letting things lie as they are. In the past, I would have, at some point, stayed up late and sat on the couch next to him and tried to get him to open up, to tell me all his problems, and I'd take on those problems as if they were my own. I'm just sooooooo over that right now. He will have 3 weeks alone. 3 weeks to drink if he chooses, 3 weeks to check out porn on his computer, 3 weeks to think about what he wants out of life.
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Old 06-30-2012, 12:43 PM
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Dear Liz, I know for myself, and my observation of others, it is sometimes a matter of reaching one's "tipping point". The moment when the pain of maintaining the status quo has become greater than the pain of changing. From your posts, it does not seem like things are getting better, so, maybe it is just a matter of time---waiting until the pain becomes more unbearable.
For me, that time came one day when the thought that for the rest of my life I would have to fight for my own identity and autonomy. In that one moment, all the reasons that I had for trying to "make it work" just didn't matter any more. I am so thankful for that precious moment. I have never looked back.
Liz, do you know what the tipping point might look like for you?

In support, dandylion.
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Old 06-30-2012, 01:12 PM
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I have been accused multiple times of cheating by my AH whenever he feels that he isn't getting the amount of sex that he deserves (yea he actually worded it that way). So, therefore in his opinon I must be getting it somewhere else. Seems like they approach sex just like they do everything else. It's all about them.
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Old 06-30-2012, 01:46 PM
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My husbands words after accusing me of having an affair on many occasions are usually something like "It can be the only reason you don't find me attractive anymore".

Nothing to do with regularly wetting yourself, looking like crap, not showering/brushing your teeth, not shaving, wearing the same t-shirt for a full week, not washing your bedclothes for months, not being able to string a sentence together. And that's without even factoring in the alcohol or the inability to "perform".


Seriously........
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Old 06-30-2012, 02:23 PM
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I'm with Peach. When they start accusing you, it says something is up with THEM. I personally would not have unprotected sex with him.
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Old 06-30-2012, 03:00 PM
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I have reached that point in my life was married to a man who drove me to that point where I could not deal with his opaite addiction stayed with him for 20 years married young I was dumb and nieve. Then fell for a another addict to alcohol that lasted the past 5 years abusive in other ways. Now I am alone trying to figure out how to be in a normal relationship without all the abuse. Its sad to admit you get use to it and a nice man feels odd to be with.I sometimes push what seem unfamilar to me away but acknowleding it and realizing its normal to be with someone nice. I look back on my life with men and feel wow how sad for me to let these men treat me like this and have them make feel its acceptable.
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Old 06-30-2012, 04:39 PM
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Liz, mine did virtually the same thing when he found out his best friend had cancer. He didn't mention it for a few weeks then simply said so&so had surgery a week ago and is starting chemo in a week. He didn't go visit him upon the news, nor visit him in the hospital, nor after. The relationship was different than with your AH's friend, and I believe mine didn't mention it to anybody in his family because then it would have taken away his "his" time drinking...plus his best friend was also his best hangout/drinking buddy and he probably saw that drinking relationship being out the door since his friend wasn't going to be drinking like that anymore.

Regarding being accused of cheating...one time my XA called some of his friends and family (while in a 4 day drunken raging stupor) and told them a bald face lie, that he knew was a lie, that he found out I had been "dating one of my guy friends"....then later he said that nobody had been on the other end of his calls.

I've always figured 100% of the time in situations I'm aware of that the accuser is the one that's been unfaithful.

Once mine realized I would not have sex when he was drunk, he would try to go there at the midpoint of drinking for "I'm-not-stumbling-drunk-yet-but-I-intend-to-be-in-10-more-minutes-so-why-can't-we-do-it" sex. And then carry on with accusations that there must be a reason I wouldn't.
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