Originally Posted by Kindeyes

I haven't seen our son since February. I heard from him on Wednesday.

His car (which is also his home--as he is homeless) was impounded.....along with everything in it......all of his belongings and clothing. This is a consequence of the lifestyle he is living. I say "he is living" because I don't believe that any addict actually chooses addiction. It sneaks up on them and until they feel the full impact of their addiction and the lifestyle that is associated with it......it goes on and on and progresses. I have played a major role in that progression in the past by enabling that addiction and the behaviors associated with it.

He called to ask me to get it out of impound using the following four tactics:

1. Emotional/Psychological Blackmail: Threat of suicide. I don't know where he is, he's done this hundreds of times in the past, he hung up. I let it go and went about my day. If anything happened to him, I knew that the police would advise me. I prayed and gave it up to God.

2. Strong Arming: (he called again several hours later.....obviously didn't follow through on the suicide threat and it didn't work so on to the next tactic). Lots of foul language, insults, threats, anger, yelling and accusations......call lasted all of about 30 - 45 seconds. I hung up on him.

3. Pity me: At this point I turned my phone off. He called seven more times over the next hour. Leaving a message twice which I had my husband listen to before I listened. "I don't know why you won't talk to me Mom.....it's so....hurtful." I prayed and let it go (as best I could but I was pretty torn up by this point).

These first three all happened within the course of one day........

4. Tell her what she wants to hear and logic: This call happened two days later. "I've stopped using meth.....been clean for three days. I am asking you to help me out of a dire situation. Your Dad helped you once (yes true--once--not hundreds of times like codependent me has done for him). I simply said "I love you. I'm sorry this is happening. I'm sure you'll figure things out." Tactic evolved back into strong arming and pressure. I said "I said no....I mean no." All of this was done calmly and I ended the call with "I love you. Goodbye."

After the initial calls (tactics 1 - 3 which all happened over a period of ten hours or so) I had a couple of bad days (sad), but I know that I had responded appropriately......it still affected me but with the help of my friends and a strong program, I recovered quickly.

I am sharing this because people tell us what to do all the time but they don't give examples of HOW it's done calmly, with love, but not caving on the boundaries. I will not support my son in his disease. But I will support (by BEING something not DOING something) him when/if he chooses sobriety.

I have known for a very long time that my son's car was keeping him from his bottom. It was shelter. But most importantly it was currency. With a car, he could make drug runs in exchange for drugs, food, a place to sleep. Without it, he has lost his currency.

He is desperate. And he may resort to desperate measures (robbery, burglarly, suicide or maybe even recovery.....who knows.....it is all out of my control). What I do know is that I have not stuck a pillow under his butt as he approaches his bottom and he is in God's hands.......his choices from this point will cause something to happen and I don't know what that might be. Time will reveal more. I hope and pray for a good outcome. But I will survive whatever happens. I will be ok.

So many of you here on SR have had to do the tough stuff. I want to say thank you for guiding me and showing/telling how to stand my ground, do what is right for me, my family, and for my dear addicted son. I want to openly thank God for helping me find the courage and the words without any anger, resentment, or punitive intent.

This is a tough road that we all walk. I am so grateful to have SR, my friends from Al-Anon/Nar-Anon and my dear husband.

Just an update......thinking of all of you and empathizing with the struggle at all of the stages of personal recovery. It has taken me a very very very long (far too long for me and for my son) to get to this point in my own recovery. I'm ok today. The easy thing is No Contact. The tough thing is maintaining control over myself when there is contact.

gentle hugs
ke