jessiec

Every day is that day with my ABF. After an alcohol-related fight Saturday and little contact yesterday (asking me to brunch - no! And telling me he wishes we could have a snow day together. Um, ok), today he sends a chatty text about road conditions and the Grammy's.

Really?!

Freedom1990

So exactly what is it you are getting out of this relationship?

jessiec

An excellent question, and one I ask myself.

I do love him (the sober version). He can be the most wonderful, sweet, funny, loving, generous, good, family-oriented, God-loving man who treats me like a queen.

And then he can be a real drunk jackhole.

Willybluedog

In his world there is nothing wrong, if he behaves normally he expects that you will fall in line. It's worked every other time, why not this time.

The more you change you, the more he will be confused.

Just keep doing your thing, he will get the message or not, does not really matter as long as you keep moving forward.

I call it the baby duck, a baby duck just puts its little head down and keeps going, if it encounters obstacles it just goes over, under, or around them, rain or snow, sunny or cloudy baby duck keeps on moving toward his target.

So when things get tough just be that baby duck....

Big hugs,

Bill

Impurrfect

(((Jessie))) - My first XABF could be wonderful and he could be a jackass. A lot depended on how much he drank, but I later realized he was also an untreated ACOA and had a lot more issues.

I stayed with him for over 20 years..and I lost myself. I turned to drugs to numb the pain of our "relationship".

I think you may want to think about whether you want to be doing this for the rest of your life? He has shown no intention of change (from what I recently heard, XABF#1 is pretty much the same) and I'm 50, he's 52....more than 30 years later...he hasn't changed. He married one of the gf's he was seeing when we were together (yes, I did allow this because I thought I couldn't survive without him).

I spent the last decade or so in addiction hell, then finally found recovery.

I just would really hate to see anyone follow in my path. Even without the addiction, I was a really sick codie and it's only by finally accepting the people I love have their problems (including addiction), but they are THEIR problems, have I finally found peace in my life.

(((Bill))) - I am SOOOO going to keep the image of a baby duck in my head..love it!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Freedom1990

Have you ever read the book "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood? If not, I recommend it.

jessiec

Amy, I appreciate you so much. Thanks for sharing your story. My ABF is also an ACOA who has never dealt with that and some other deep issues. I'm sure alcohol is just the most obvious of problems, it's not the only one.

I don't want this for the duration of my life. I wasted 10 yeara in a disappointing marriage (not alcohol related). I kept hoping this relationship, which started with such promise, could last. I wanted to think he would keep his oaths to get help. I wanted to think we could face our troubles together and strengthen our bond.

Instead, nothing is changing. The pretending, lies, arguments and tears persist.

Thanks for letting me share and for hearing me. It all makes me stronger!

nodaybut2day

You cannot dissociate the sober man from the "drunk jackhole"; they are one and the same. Are you willing to accept him as he is today? That is the only person he is willing to be at the moment.

jessiec

Freedom, I haven't. Thanks for the suggestion!

suki44883

As far as he's concerned, nothing is wrong. He has no problem with his drinking and crappy attitude. You do. So, why shouldn't he call or text acting as if nothing is wrong? Everything is perfectly normal to him.

jessiec

Thanks everyone. I'm still somewhat new to all this and I appreciate the insights. I'm in counseling and reading all I can. I understand it to some extent intellectually, I find it all very hard to swallow and stomach.

sojourner

Addiction is baffling and cunning. Consider Alanon (a 12-step program for family and friends of alcoholics). Many of us here go to Alanon meetings besides this website. I learned how not to let addiction be in charge, but it takes a lot of support to do that. I could never have done that on my own, because addiction is just to big and just to baffling and cunning.

Keep coming back and google Alanon for meetings near you!! You are worth it!!

sirpher

With my STBXAW, the sober wife was wonderful, sweet and funny, but the more the disease took over time (over about the last 8-10 years), the less wonderful and funny things became. An the sweet part is still there, but sometimes that is used a manipulation, which is just sad for me to see.

By the way, I am putting the word "jackhole" in my computer dictionary because that is a funny word and perfect description for some people.

inpieces314

I am working on that myself. I totally love (and I am being sarcastic here) how they can pretend nothing is wrong and so there really must be nothing wrong, right? WRONG! I mean, I actually got in a fight with my boyfriend once because he said, "Well, you know, I did do like one or two things wrong to you when I was drunk..." No, EVERY SINGLE TIME you did something wrong! Just because you were too drunk to remember or chose not to remember or wanted to pretend you forgot, does not mean I did. I hate that. So yeah, I am working on that too. Obviously he is never going to apologize for what he did, so I need to either get over it or move on, because it's only going to eat me alive.

Cyranoak

You don't have to divorce them.

LifeRecovery

Jessiec-

I found situations like this hard.

They made me feel crazy, because I was the only one getting upset and "rocking the boat."

Often too I was dealing with my ex being in a black out situation with his drinking so he was not capable of remembering how bad it was (that is not an excuse, just my experience).

Your experience was crazy making, not you. For my relationship this type of behavior was just part of the denial he did not want to change it and I did not either for a long time.

Impurrfect

((Jessie)) - I understood the codie/addict stuff intellectually a long time before I "got it" in my heart and my head. I lurked her for over a year before I chose recovery from both my addiction and codependency, still didn't sign on until I had 6 months at working on both.

Please don't beat yourself up if you don't get it yet. It takes time and, for me, it took a lot to hit my bottom. I admit...I want to save you from going where I went to in my codie bottom, but I can't do that. ALL of us, I think, share our ES&H, ask the hard questions because we've been-there-done-that.

You are light-years ahead of me. I had a friend who tried to share HER ES&H 30 years ago and I just didn't get it. She was the same age as my mom, at the time (my mom died in '91), saw where I was heading but I just wasn't ready to hear it.

You are listening, you are posting what you're going through and allowing others to share their ES&H. There will probably come a day when you scream "OMG, why didn't I LISTEN!?!??!" but it's okay - been there, done that

I had to get to where I am, by going through what I did. It's not a road I wish even my worst enemies travel, but I honestly have no regrets. I may be 50 years old, have this habit of having to learn things the hard way, but I hope and pray I have a lot of good years ahead of me that I can pass on what I've learned.

When your gut, heart and head all get together? It's pretty darned amazing, but it doesn't happen in an instant.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

LifeRecovery

I too was working on my codependency recovery long before I met my loved one with addiction concerns.

For me what is scary is how bad it got even with some solid recovery under my belt.

Even with that it has taken me a long time to feel it in my heart and being. I had to interact yesterday (after two years from the start of me going to Al-anon), and it still winds me up.

Beating myself up about it though only makes it worse.

ljfinlee

that is the hard part for me- stopping the reacting, and choosing how i wish to feel or percieve things. I've been delving into books literature, everything i can get my hands on today. my husband has been sober for 25 years. i went to alanon for 7 of those years then stopped going! bad mistake, you know you are co dependent when you spend most of your life defending yourself and your actions, and your view is always outward towards others, their thoughts, their actions, their emotions etc..... talk about having no life, I've been living everyone elses, me?? there is just a big hole their. hmmm wonder what God had planned on filling that area up with? lol. in the end, my hubby and I were both raised in alcoholic environments and learned really bad lessons, very early in life. as much as i want to change him and he wants to control me. today i have to just totally except who and what he is and get out of his way so God can do his work. years ago i heard a saying- something like this If you don't shut up, they wont ever hear God? amy thanks for the posts here! you make me feel like recovery is a possibility even at this late age- im 55.

Impurrfect

(((ljfinlee))) - Welcome to SR..actually, welcome to the family

Hugs and prayers,

Amy