Losing my cool

Old 08-18-2011, 08:14 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post

I would also suggest you get some 'nanny cams' and place them in strategic places that they will record his words and his actions. That is proof in any court.
this - definitely
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Old 08-18-2011, 08:38 AM
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WTBH, your situation is so different than mine. I have no experience to offer but I will send strength and hope.

The only advice I can give you is to ask is there any sort of domestic violence group or woman's advocacy group where you can get some free or cheap help with this issue? This isn't necessarily a al-anon or divorce issue but a legal one. Any allies/support you can pick up would be good.

BTW, I like the nanny cam idea as well.

Your friend,
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Old 08-18-2011, 09:26 AM
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Something I forgot to mention.

If you get the 'nanny cams' make sure you place them in whatever objects you are going to use AFTER THE GIRLS ARE IN BED AND ASLEEP.

One of them without knowing might 'blurt' out information.


Love and hugs,
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Old 08-18-2011, 09:54 AM
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(((((wtbh))))) I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this.

Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
He accuses me of tracking him but I think he's the one doing it. I feel like a prisoner in my town, my house, my life.
This may very well be true. My xh accused me of being unfaithful when it was actually him who was having an affair.

Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I have changed passwords, opened a separate bank acct, email account, and the one thing I can;t stop is him showing up unannounced whenever he likes, making scenes.
I'm glad to hear that you have done so and hope that at least he will not be able to hack into any of your private financial and e-mail dealings.

If he has been ordered to leave the house, have you been able to change the locks so that he can't just come and go whenever he feels, or did he leave without a court order? Although I don't know the laws very well, it would seem to me that you could lock the doors and not allow him in if he stops by unannounced. Plus, if he makes a ruckus to get in, then the police could be called and would probably have to do something to protect you.

I hope the courts will move things along and you can soon have peace!

Hugs, HG
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Old 08-18-2011, 11:07 AM
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((((WTBH)))) Every time you post it's like I am reading my own life. I know exactly how you feel right now. I am living the exact same crazy existence!!! The lies, manipulation, and threat of him taking all this crap & lies to court to use against you... My attorney has said the same... exact... thing... "try to keep things as calm as possible". Yeah, right!

I too feel that some people don't get it. I have never experienced anything this insane in my entire life and I have never met anyone or been close to anyone that has either. Half the time I feel like I'm living a Lifetime Movie!!!! I totally feel like the system is letting me and my kids down and it angers me so much that he has all these rights! Everytime he calls I have to answer it or he "documents" it so that he can reflect my parental alienation - yes, his attorney actually used this term in our temp hearing after he LIED saying that I refused to let him have the girls once he moved out. But, nobody ready my three page "documentation" stating each and every time I offered or he "was busy". Just freakin great!

I can imagine this doesn't really make you feel better; I just want you to know that you are not alone in this craziness. Please know that you are doing the right thing (I have to remind myself of this practically a million times a day). We will get through this!
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Old 08-18-2011, 11:32 AM
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This too shall pass. I am 4 years past the chaos/drama and I sometime remember stuff and go - oh- that happened- that's messed up......working the steps 4 yrs. later is helping me. He wasn't the only one messed up....I made it worse in my insanity......oh well....we know better we do better......
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Old 08-18-2011, 01:18 PM
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I have no experience in your type of situation and my heart goes out to you. You are right. As much as you have described your situation for us, none of us are there in your shoes living it, and it sounds pretty intense. I would absolutely need every single Alanon tool, and then some, to manage.

I hope you will get some good experience, strength and hope as well as some comfort from people who will post here.

Someone once told me, when I really needed to hear it, that people tend to imagine that what they are going through right now feels like it's going to last forever and we need to remember that time passes and things change. It's comforting to think this when you are in a rough spot. It will not last forever, things change, it can and will get better.

Thinking of you. Hope you can get some rest to recharge your batteries.
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Old 08-18-2011, 06:31 PM
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WTBH, in my experience (personally and professionally in court), when an attorney tells his/her client 'not to make it worse', the attorney usually advises not to engage in any communication with the other party unless in writing or through the attorneys.

Is it possible to do this?

Certainly you do have the women's shelter option. You can choose one in your county or state that isn't influenced by your town, if you feel 'known' by too many people. I do think, just from your comment of "short of killing you" that he's got enough serious mental issues for you to protect yourselves further. Even if you don't check yourselves into a shelter for actual shelter, there may be one in your county who offers good, affordable services and one with whom your attorney will work.

I know attorney's fees are a huge worry; however, it is possible he would be ordered to cover that cost anyway, in the end. If you feel you're not being represented properly, you do have choices.

Hang in there, as safely as possible.
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Old 08-18-2011, 08:10 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I am not in your shoes and going NC with my AH was easy for me, so I can only imagine what you are going through, so big hugs from me too.

Your AH sounds like a right piece of work and almost psycho! It doesnt sound like a very safe situation for you and its no wonder you are feeling let down by the authorities and folks on SR. As someone has said 'this too will pass'. The nightmare you are currently living in, will one day be over, or much calmer.

I do get a sense from your threads that you seem to be adding fuel to the fire. What you have been doing to date with regards to your interactions with AH hasnt been working well for you at all. I think it calls for a different approach, a different strategy and a change of direction on your part. Your smart - right?, well brainstorm some 'rules' for yourself to protect you from him and his current madness.

There have been some good suggestions already from SR. Go NC as much as possible. Dont EVER let him into your home. Tell him (through the door) to telephone/email you if he needs something and you will arrange to leave it out side for him to collect or better still 'talk to my lawyer'. If he comes over making a scene - dont let him in (EVER), and do your best to ignore him. Do not interact. Put a neon sign out the front of your house saying 'security cameras are in use' If he 'kicks' off outside of the home then hopefully the neighbours will telephone the police to complain about the disturbance your AH is causing and your AH will be picked up. You dont have to be involved in this, if you are indoors. These are just some suggestions/ideas, find some that will work for you.

He cant force you to speak to him or interact with him.

Maybe a womans shelter would be a good choice for you now, to keep you safe and give you some 'mental' breathing space while you reavaluate.

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Old 08-18-2011, 08:37 PM
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Don't have any answers for you, but am sending moral support.

I had a somewhat parallel experience with XH and a legal system that did not seem to help me protect my child. Scary and frustrating! It can make you feel crazy and cornered. I still have flashbacks years later.

I hope you can take some support from SR. It sounds like you are doing the best you can under difficult circumstances.

And congrats on getting a job!
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Old 08-19-2011, 05:11 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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It's IMPOSSIBLE to not allow AH in this house bc it is HIS house too. I have tried to keep him from showing up. I have tried to ask him to tell me when he's coming so I can leave. I have tried to leave when he shows up and been told I am alienating him (as this is SHOUTED from the driveway) from the girls.

I guess I am at a loss as to how I am adding fuel to the fire. I am NOT about to get into a pissing match in court with him about this is why I kept the girls from him, this is why I changed the locks etc... since the COURT itself has said that thus far I have no right to do these things.

Whether he is willing to behave like a grown up or a sane person, I've been trying my best to be "agreeable" bc it seems to be the best way to keep him from being crazy.

I guess refusing to hand over my cell phone initially was adding fuel? The thing I am fed up with is that he's only calm-ish when he's getting the illusion of controlling me. So, until I have a court order saying I have any rights to be free from him bothering me, my options are: a) stand up for myself and get raged at b) give in to his demands and have less rage.

Not great options.

I'd made it clear to him that I'd call the police if he showed up here and when he did and when I called (2 nights ago was NOT the 1st time I've called the police recently) I was told that unless he was doing something to me there was nothing they could do. Great system we have.
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Old 08-19-2011, 05:16 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by catlovermi View Post
Well, maybe the law won't dictate that he can't approach YOU without a restraining order, but it certainly can support you if you are on other private property not owned by him, and the OWNERS of said property do not want him on their property. THEY have a right to refuse him on their property for tresspass...

Oddly enough, nope- not in my f'ed up family/life ... I stayed at my mom's with the girls for a few nights last week and AH showed up several times telling me that he had every right to see his kids. The first time this happened I told him he needed to call me or text me and I'd bring the girls to him somewhere and he shouted "power and control and sat himself down in my mom's living room and the girls went nuts playing with him being happy that fun dad was there. I told him if he showed up again I'd call the police bc as you say, it's not his property. At this point, my mother (who kept me from calling the cops when he assaulted me last month in front of her) came in and told ME to stop and said that NO ONE would be calling the police. AH just smirked and that was the end of that.

I want this divorce fast tracked and want to be DONE, like yesterday.

And like Fandy said, perhaps I should leave some cases of beer like a Hansel and Gretl trail leading to the door of our house and that will just distract him. Or better yet, maybe he'll drive off a bridge and I won't have to deal with him in any way ever again.
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Old 08-19-2011, 05:51 AM
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I want to pray for you and hope you find peace in this. I know what you are going through as I have been in the same situation before. I cant tell you how you feel because I am not you...every situation is different. People shouldnt judge you...and I think we are all here to help you. I know I was in a bad marriage...he wasnt a alcoholic but when he did drink he became violent and became some other person that I just didnt understand...the divorce was nasty and his new wife hates my guts for whatever reason (no kids between us) I have 2 from previous marriage...but they looked to him as a father figure and there were times where he was physically and ALWAYS mentally abusive in front of my kids...i am glad that marriage is over and when you get to a point where you cant talk to him, you cant trust him and you just want him DEAD...its time to let go and let GOD!!! Pray for him...Forgive him and you will be a much happier person!!! HE may be a jerk and a creep but that just means you deserve better...we all do. We shouldnt have to live like this and I made the decision to move on...even though I loved him very much...and believe it or not...but now I am with someone that is a alcoholic but I know how to deal with it and he has been sober for almost a month andI am going to Al-Anon...if anything its helping me deal with me...I am 36 years old and I have NEVER been able to focus on me...its always been about that MAN in my life...and a week ago I decided that NO MAN is going to keep me from being there for my kids and keeping them safe and happy and then I decided I deserve that too...and now I am living my life for me...if my current MAN wants to be a part of it SOBER...then i am all for it...if he chooses not to...oh well...we cant control them, we cant make them do anything because we did they would only being doing it for us and they have to want to do it for them or its suggestion to you (only a suggestion) is you let go and let GOD and words that your husband says are going to hurt you...not in private, public or in court. He is going to say things to you to hurt you and I am sure its working because we love our MEN so much that we dont want to believe they would hurt us until its too late. I wouldnt get a restraining order on him unless he has physically hurt you or the kids or threatening you to do so...I would simply act like he doesnt matter and let him live his life...ignore his texts, ignore his phone calls...and take NOTES on every little thing...because I guarantee you he isnt...MEN dont do that (no offense to you men)...not many men do that let me say that. Women are more organized and we tend to remember everything...especially the bad things that hurt so keep a journal each day in a spiral notebook for a month...after that month go back and read what you wrote on day one...and see if things dont get better just by reading what you have written in the time...who knows doing something like that may help you think about what you have done and how you reacted vs how you are now...does that help at all? I am not judging you because I have been there. I want to pray for you and all i do know is ... if you forgive him ...your life will get better...not with him but without him unless you seek counseling TOGETHER whether he listens or not...that would a record by a professional that he doesnt listen, or he lies etc...that you can use in court if you needed it too. I am here if you need to chat...sometimes we just need someone to talk to. Sorry if I am rambling or putting my nose where it doesnt belong...just trying to help!! GOOD LUCK!! Good luck to you all May God Bless!
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Old 08-19-2011, 05:51 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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WTBH, really big ((((hugs))))

I am really sorry you are going through this. As for the SR responses, well when you ask a bunch of codies for advice you might as well be offering vodka to an A. It's what we do. Again I really don't have anything I can share that I think would help your situation.

I have one big question for you though. If you let him see the girls at either your mother's house or yours , without your supervision, do you think he would be a danger to them? If not I would use this as an opportunity to work on my detachment and let him see them. Doing so would take away a big argument he has about you trying to control his access to them.

Dam, see what just happened, you asked a codie for advice, I was just going to give support and the next thing you know my mouth is running away giving solutions to problems that I don't own. Doesn't mean the advice might not be worthwhile though.

If nothing else you have my support and any strength that I can send.

Your codie friend,
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Old 08-19-2011, 06:14 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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What I have learned is that people are who they are, and they will do what they do until it stops working for them. My AH will continue to push my buttons if I continue to react. I tried and tried to find the perfect combination of words that would somehow get him to stop. Ahh, I was trying to control the situation and him - but Step 1 - I am powerless over people, places and things. SOOO, my AH likes to push buttons. He likes to get people agitated. It's ****** up... and he's not going to stop because it is what he does. My only choice is to stop responding to it. What that looks like depends on each and every situation. If it's a text or email, I delete/ignore/don't respond. If we're on the phone, I excuse myself from the conversation (well, for me, I actually tell a white lie - "OH, I'm sorry to cut you off but I have to go... xyz came up! We'll talk more later!" Yeah, it's a lie - but I play nice to get myself the hell out of bad situation. Because I know ME, I know that if allow myself to stay near him, sooner or later - he's going to find the weak link in my Al-anon armor... and BOOOM - I'm gonna react! When we're in person, it's a bit harder - I tend to have alot of "urgent bathroom trips"! I do the best I can in the current situation to protect myself and my sanity - knowing that I too can't get my AH out of the house, I can't keep him from the kids. It's not fun. Limboland can be downright hell at times - but that's where keeping the focus on ME really matters. And, accepting that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I can do that will change my AH or stop him from being a *****.

I know my AH won't leave - so I am working on my exit plan on how I am going to leave. Getting my work/business in order so that I have the money I need to firmly support myself. So, while I know what I want the finish line to be - I'm just not there yet and in the meantime, I have to make the best out of the situation I'm in. One day at a time. I keep my eyes and ears open - collecting my information - and not adding to the chaos. As my Dad always said, "Sweetie, just make sure you keep YOUR nose clean and you'll have nothing to worry about!!!" So that's it. I keep my side of the street neat and tidy - and work really hard on learning how to not play the blame/shame game with my AH. And I trust that more will be revealed and all will work out okay - as long as I keeping handing it over to my HP!

As someone's signature says... when you find yourself in hell, keep walking!! I keep going to my Al-anon meetings, working with my sponsor - building my strength and my exit plan - one day at a time.

Thanks for letting me share!
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Old 08-19-2011, 06:28 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
And like Fandy said, perhaps I should leave some cases of beer like a Hansel and Gretl trail leading to the door of our house and that will just distract him. Or better yet, maybe he'll drive off a bridge and I won't have to deal with him in any way ever again.

Yikes, what a mess. Sorry that it seems that you have no refuge from this clown. The only thing I would say is that you should continue to be mindful of the whole power/control game that he seems so intent on playing. It's obviously rooted in fear. I'm a drunk and ultimately thats the rathole from which an alcoholics most outlandish behaviors come. Whenever you are responding to his actions, he has a degree of control over you by virtue of your response.

It does seem that there are no clearly good choices in this situation. Do the best you can by your children, and do best for yourself to minimize or eliminate his tendency to live rent free in your head.

Be true to yourself; this too shall pass.

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Old 08-19-2011, 08:03 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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It sounds miserable. Just do everything you can not to engage. Don't answer the door, don't talk to him on the phone about anything except your kids. Keep the doors locked, just don't let him in. He doesn't live there.

You have a divorce pending, so I agree with whomever said to tell him that all correspondence must be through the lawyers.

Your mantra should be "don't engage, don't engage, don't engage." Treat him like a tired three year-old. He can be explosive and full of rage, but you don't have to be part of it.

He has no right to see your cell phone. You don't have to prove anything to him. You know what's true and what's right. Meet him at a playground or a restaurant with a kids' area for visits.

There are ways to keep him separated from your real life. Start thinking about them. You are very smart, and you cannot let yourself get worn down with all these battles he stages. Your girls need you to be rested and strong.

wishing you all the best.
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Old 08-19-2011, 09:47 AM
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sometimes we are slow to learn and still want to be ain't gonna work in his case.

you have joint assets, a home and a mortgage, child care and responsibilities. you took a new job that affords you better control over your YOUNG CHILDREN's schedule. He's going to have to fork over more $$ for support and his parents are going to support THEIR CHILD and not make your life easier. expect them to throw as many obstacles in your path as they can.

I hope you get the support straightened out in writing that shows your drop in income and the cost of daycare for your kids...then it will be decided how much he has to pay. You don't care where the $$ comes from as long as the kids needs are tended to. If his mama gives him the $$, he'll just drink/smoke more.

sooner or later it WILL catch up with him and he will not be charming BS Artist that he preceives himself to be now. just sit back and take care of you, the stress can make you feel constantly sick...especially since your mother isn't acting in your best interest either...

hopefully his weekend will be so full of selfish plans he won't be circling you like a turkey buzzard.
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Old 08-19-2011, 04:52 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Fandy- Hooray for selfishness... you're a clairvoyant, I swear! AH was too busy to see the girls today and I was all over encouraging him to do the various things that "suddenly" popped up... And here's to hoping that tomorrow and the rest of the summer until work starts for us both is like this. Had a nice day with the girls, felt relatively at peace and am headed to bed soon to get some much needed sleep since I've really been struggling to sleep much at all for the past few weeks and it seems to have finally caught up with me.
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Old 08-19-2011, 05:09 PM
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Clairvoyant? (well maybe just a bit)...I've been there, hopefully he is BIG into Sunday football, which could mean he'll start "tailgating" by 8AM and give you yet more peace.

I gladly gave up my rights to the season football tix for the Giants at their have to look at it objectively.

get some sleep, slather on some good cream and take your vitamins...stress robs your body too...please do not turn to wine as I did....
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